Jump to content

prioritization of sexual compatibility?


ryn2

Recommended Posts

6 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

I've never heard anyone in my religious community cite sexual incompatibility as a reason for divorce.

Is there social pressure with the community not to, do you think?   Or does it just not seem to be important to people?

 

Even outside a religious framework people often say something more generic, especially to those who are not their closest friends.  At least, that’s true where I live.

Link to post
Share on other sites

E.g., my former partner cited, among the me-related reasons, not being “in love” with me anymore (despite still loving me) and needing to “make a fresh start.”  Those are the explanations I quote when people ask me what happened.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's possible.  It's also possible that they assume that's just how sex feels like for everyone.  

 

Traditionally, sex wasn't talked about much in Judaism.  There isn't even a biblical Hebrew word for sex; it only appears as a metaphor.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

sex wasn't talked about much in Judaism

I thought it was fairly explicitly alluded to with references about how both partners should satisfy each other. Not that I'm Jewish, just interested.

 

Paging @Sally...

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I thought it was fairly explicitly alluded to with references about how both partners should satisfy each other. Not that I'm Jewish, just interested.

 

Paging @Sally...

There may be a few passages in Rabinnic commentary (The Talmud) on it, but that doesn't mean it's the sort of thing we talk about in polite company all that often.

 

At some times when I've (somewhat impolitely) mentioned asexuality and tried to raise ace awareness, I might encounter the idea that women never wanted sex or that men had insatiable sexual desires.  (Never both opinions from the same person.)  

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, AspieAlly613 said:

There may be a few passages in Rabinnic commentary (The Talmud) on it, but that doesn't mean it's the sort of thing we talk about in polite company all that often.

 

At some times when I've (somewhat impolitely) mentioned asexuality and tried to raise ace awareness, I might encounter the idea that women never wanted sex or that men had insatiable sexual desires.  (Never both opinions from the same person.)  

Yep I guess teaching and polite conversation aren't necessarily going to work the same way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

I'm not Sally, but she and I are both Reform Jews. Reform Jews in America are LGBT+ inclusive and don't make a big deal about premarital sex in my experience. My  mostly secular Jewish best friend's mother advised her not to wait for marriage because she thought it was important for couples to make sure they were sexual compatible before marriage. Education and the medical profession are two things Reform Jews hold dear. There's strong support for comprehensive sex education and access to the full range of sexual and reproductive health services. Divorce is permitted but obviously not a desirable thing, and some rabbis require couples to meet with them and consider their compatibility before marrying. I have never been to a premarriage counseling session, but I'm pretty sure sexual compatibility is discussed along with views about money, children, work, living space, etc. The kids in religious school get education about "healthy intimate relationships" around six or seventh grade. I haven't actually seen the curriculum, but I gather they discuss consent and the difference between love and abuse, and probably birth control and disease prevention.

 

I have read excerpts from the Talmud in which men were coached on sexually satisfying their wives or girls were coached on sexually satisfying their future husbands. There are also discussions of types of sex other than piv, which are clearly for pleasure rather than reproduction.  The Talmud also goes into very long and detailed discussions of sexual fluids that are not for the squeamish. These traditional texts are not widely read by Reform Jews of any gender, and they may not be widely read by Orthodox women.

 

I find the Bible to actually be pretty explicit about sex. There is a lot of sex in the Bible, much of it nonconsensual, incestuous, adulterous, or otherwise messed up. The terms used for sex may include phrases like "lay with" or "went into", but it's quite clear what the text is saying. The Song of Songs describes sexual desire from both male and female perspectives. Poetic imagery and metaphors are used, but it does not take a genius to figure out what they are saying.

 

I have heard that some Orthodox communities have separate sex ed sessions for newlywed men and women that focus on mutual pleasure, but that may not be universal. Also, Orthodox Jews who are not married may not have been to such a class yet. I have found frank discussions of sex on Modern Orthodox or Open Orthodox websites. These discussions promote modesty and waiting for marriage, but they definitely get across the idea that sexual desire is a powerful force and that sex within marriage is supposed to be very enjoyable. 

 

Overall, if an asexual Jewish spouse claims to have no idea that sexual desire is a thing, I doubt Judaism is to blame.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...