prioritization of sexual compatibility?

[ryn2]

Sexuals, as you enter into new relationships, how important is sexual compatibility?  I’m not so much talking orientation here; more like, if you start seeing someone new - someone you really like otherwise... easy conversation, similar interests, fun to spend time with, whatever else you look for in a partner - and the sex just isn’t awesome, would you continue the relationship or end it?  Why?

 

I’m looking for personal opinions/past experience, as I’m guessing this may vary from person to person rather than being universally true across all sexuals.

[Ceebs]

Anything I could say is entirely hypothetical, I guess. The only experience I've had where the sex wasn't awesome, it was due in good part to me being very uncertain about myself (especially my sexual orientation, but other things too). Sex is not the reason we no longer have a romantic/sexual relationship. We still have a familial/platonic one for a variety of reasons, but I'm pretty sure my scenario is not the norm.

 

These days I'm not sure I could see myself getting to the point of being really into someone if the sexual chemistry/compatibility wasn't there. There would just be an energy missing from the relationship and it wouldn't feel like a proper relationship at all. But who knows... as I say, all hypothetical. I don't even really know what my own libido is like, tbh. It seemed to change from close to nonexistent to well within normal (which I perceive as almost high, given what I'm comparing it to) when I found someone I was into and compatible with, but we've never had the opportunity to have a fully normal relationship.

[ryn2]

7 minutes ago, CBC said:

The only experience I've had where the sex wasn't awesome, it was due in good part to me being very uncertain about myself (especially my sexual orientation, but other things too).

I should probably clarify that I “just” meant that for whatever reason the sexual chemistry didn’t seem to be there/the sex wasn’t enjoyable for you - all of you, not just CBC - and not necessarily that your partner/prospective partner had poor technique or generally sucked at it.

[Ceebs]

Yeah I mean... if the chemistry wasn't there, I think I'd likely decide we made better friends then partners. I'd feel initial romantic interest based on their personality (I'm not much of one for "ooh that person is hot, so I want to pursue them") and I feel like I'd find out pretty quickly if there wasn't a "spark", so to speak.

[E Kat]

It's hard to say at this point in my life.  I was a virgin when i married my first husband,  but our sexual chemistry was fine and not the reason we divorced.  My sexual chemistry with my next husband was off the charts,  but he was not mentally stable.  If he hadn't died im not sure we'd still be married. 

 

So... when i was dating i felt quick connections to men i had sexual chemistry with...but i usually felt that chemistry with men who were a bit less stable.  My new husband and i had chemistry,  it was just more muted than with others.  It was the whole package of him that made me fall in love. I think compatibility in other areas are more important in general than sexual compatibility. 

 

That being said,  the lack of libido compatibility is wearing in me,  so I'm not sure what I'd do if i were dating again. 

[Ceebs]

I will definitely say that I kinda regret that my first serious relationship was essentially a hetero-asexual one. It completely fucked up my idea of what a romantic relationship was supposed to feel like. I had no idea what it felt like to be wanted by someone or to not feel creepy about wanting sex yet also feel creepy about having it, no idea that most young couples don't flip into "old married couple" more or less within weeks of living together... bleh.

[ryn2]

Sorry for your loss, @E Kat... I didn’t want to butt in on your longer thread, but your relationship with your second husband sounds like it must have been a difficult situation all ‘round.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

I will definitely say that I kinda regret that my first serious relationship was essentially a hetero-asexual one.

Yeah, given what you now know about yourself that probably wasn’t a great starting point... but it’s easy to say that with the benefit of hindsight and not so easy to know it in the (then-)present.

[Ceebs]

For sure. I mean, I felt the initial "butterflies" and all the normal crush stuff when I first knew my husband, things I'd felt for several other guys too, and I assumed the rest would follow. And he used to say that he thought he might be demisexual, and he's always been sex-positive and willing to do stuff occasionally, so I think on some level I was expecting more from him. Which didn't really happen. And on the rare occasions it seemed that he tried or expressed something sexual-ish that seemed kinda genuine, I found myself disgusted. It really fucked with my head; it made me feel repulsed in the way people would feel grossed out by their parents behaving sexually. Like I remember as a little kid, after some boy on the school bus told me that my parents had to have had sex in order to create me (ok, technically not true, there's IVF and stuff, but still), I went home and asked my mum if it was true. She said yes and launched into a spiel about when a man and woman love each other blah blah blah... and my eyes welled up with tears and I went silent and ran upstairs and wouldn't look either of them in the eye for several days. I was utterly horrified. It went beyond normal "ew, sex is gross" reactions from kids. It felt deeply disturbing, like my mum had told me something really awful, like she'd confessed that she and my dad were terrible people. I felt exactly the same way about my husband's attempts to be sexual with me -- disturbed. Like he was doing something inappropriate for the type of connection we had. I had to almost mentally split him into two people. Whereas there's absolutely no weird disconnect and discrepancy with my female partner. It seems like the most normal thing in the world; the opposite of disturbing. I can't imagine having to split her into two people; if I did, that would be a really bad sign. That extreme repulsion and what I consider to be almost a hostility towards sex are what brought me to AVEN and the concept of asexuality in the first place, 14 long years ago. Believe it or not, once upon a time I probably would've fallen into the anti-sexual category. I was very overt and often outspoken with my disgust at times, and some of my thoughts were in the realm of the stuff I regularly call people out on now and think is entirely unacceptable. (Lol, the outspoken part hasn't changed at least). I've come a long, long way... the 19-year-old who came here was a very different person, sexuality-wise at least. That's why I'm so wary of 13-year-olds declaring their asexuality.

 

So yes. Not the greatest first major relationship experience. Sorry to get off track there. Clearly I have... issues. I'm still not sold on the idea that in some way I'm not a tiny bit bisexual; the feelings for guys can still exist, but I have trouble translating them into reality. I don't know what that stems from, but I won't write off the possibility that it's a mental issue. My husband has said that I seem to respond like someone who's been sexually abused, but I have no reason to believe that's the case. I guess I really don't care at this point; it seems easy enough to just not fuck dudes.

 

(Ok for real, done with the off-track stuff!)

[ryn2]

No, it’s all helpful!

 

Sounds like you could either be bi/pan with a strong preference for women or biromantic + homosexual... hard to know.

 

I really clicked with my first boyfriend (we only had PIV sex once but that was due to factors other than not wanting to) but we were both really young and emotionally a mess and I figured looking back that I’d actually clicked with the drama (we were always on some cliff or another) rather than the sexual activity.  As I try to puzzle back through everything and sort out my sexuality I’m wondering which (maybe both!) was actually true.

[Ceebs]

Oh yeah, clicking with drama... not unfamiliar with that one myself.

[ryn2]

I was definitely doing that at the time, and I can’t say I don’t still feel the pull of it (although I’ve learned it’s not a great way to adult!) but I’m not sure it explains everything for me sexually.  I wish I’d given this more thought a long time ago when it was still fresher in my mind.

[anisotrophic]

Hm. This was all a decade and a half ago, but I did date and/or have sex with several folks. (All male, that's probably my orientation.)

 

Being attracted to my partner was a requirement; I would drop dating if I couldn't feel that vibe in me. And, well, I blithely assumed that approach was mutual? 😂 (not really his fault, it's obvious to a sexual individual when attraction isn't present. asexuality as an "option" was unknown to us.)

 

I don't recall judging the quality of sex much... I guess, it was sometimes pretty hot, sometimes not so much, this didn't feel like a huge deal. It was mostly that I was attracted.

 

But beyond some threshold, I did prioritize friendship and love stuff. I wouldn't date without that either? (I did have one FWB.)

 

And my spouse matches that pattern of friendship first, then love, then attraction -- met by text chat first, then voice (I recall his accent making it hard to think straight! I am such a stereotype...), finally in person. We didn't call it dating until we had been, err, physically intimate (which happened within hours, we certainly seemed to be compatible from my perspective).

 

This is all retrospective. I can't imagine trying to find another partner right now. Too emotional, too much work, I'm... tired? I'd rather take a break from emotional roller coasters these days.

[Ceebs]

@ryn2 Oh yeah it's definitely no way to adult. The earlier days of the off-and-on thing I've had with someone for nearly four years now was filled with crazy person drama because we're both fucking nuts. Pretty sure we've broken each other's hearts a few times over now. We stopped speaking for about a year. We're improving at adulting these days, I think.

 

As for giving things more thought at the time... yeah, unfortunately that's another of those "benefit of hindsight" scenarios, I think.

[ryn2]

16 minutes ago, CBC said:

As for giving things more thought at the time... yeah, unfortunately that's another of those "benefit of hindsight" scenarios, I think.

Yeah, I guess it never dawned on me that there might be consequences outside me.

[Ceebs]

Just now, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I guess it never dawned on me that there might be consequences outside me.

Often the case when we're young. Live and learn, as they say.

[ryn2]

26 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Being attracted to my partner was a requirement; I would drop dating if I couldn't feel that vibe in me. And, well, I blithely assumed that approach was mutual?

I’ve been in situations where I wasn’t... but I didn’t want to lose the rest.  I actually thought that was a plus in my current situation, as my partner ultimately didn’t seem interested in sex (although he claimed to be attracted to me) either so I thought it was a good combo.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Often the case when we're young. Live and learn, as they say.

Alas, I wasn’t.  I was in my mid-30’s.

[Ceebs]

Just now, ryn2 said:

Alas, I wasn’t.  I was in my mid-30’s.

Shh, that's my age range; don't ruin the illusion for me that I'm still young.

[ryn2]

21 minutes ago, CBC said:

Oh yeah it's definitely no way to adult. The earlier days of the off-and-on thing I've had with someone for nearly four years now was filled with crazy person drama because we're both fucking nuts. Pretty sure we've broken each other's hearts a few times over now. We stopped speaking for about a year. We're improving at adulting these days, I think.

This is definitely where my first relationship would have gone, except we were too stubborn to come back from hiatus and then he moved away/met someone/got married/had three kids.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Shh, that's my age range; don't ruin the illusion for me that I'm still young.

LOL, true.  You’re still young... compared to me, for sure!  That was just about when I started feeling pretty old.

[Ceebs]

15 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This is definitely where my first relationship would have gone, except we were too stubborn to come back from hiatus and then he moved away/met someone/got married/had three kids.

If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't so much that anyone was too stubborn to come back from hiatus, more that I was too stubborn to give up once I realised I'd been wrong to end things, and I like to get what I want even if I should leave well enough alone for a dozen very valid practical reasons.  

 

14 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

LOL, true.  You’re still young... compared to me, for sure!  That was just about when I started feeling pretty old.

Honestly I've been feeling old for years now, physically anyway. I think I'm finally there mentally as well.

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

If it makes you feel any better, it wasn't so much that anyone was too stubborn to come back from hiatus, more that I was too stubborn to give up once I realised I'd been wrong, and I like to get what I want even if I should leave well enough alone for a dozen very valid practical reasons.

Heh, yeah, that too!

 

I was too busy making him suffer in revenge for some wrongs he’d done me to see that it was really me I was hurting all along.

 

In my defense I was only in my early 20’s then.  

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

In my defense I was only in my early 20’s then.  

Well there ya go, I was like 29-30. Definitely could not have handled that shit in my early 20s haha.

[Telecaster68]

3 hours ago, ryn2 said:

if you start seeing someone new - someone you really like otherwise... easy conversation, similar interests, fun to spend time with, whatever else you look for in a partner - and the sex just isn’t awesome, would you continue the relationship or end it?  Why?

I'd commute the 'marriage-esque' relationship into a friendship, because conversation, shared interests, and fun are stuff I do with friends. I used to assume that good sex would be an emergent property of that stuff, but turns out it's not, necessarily, and despite what large parts of AVEN would love to believe, sexually desiring each other simply does qualitatively change a relationship (even for asexuals, just not in a good way). Without it, I'd be miserable and probably my partner would too.

 

Sex not being awesome is generally a sign that that one of you isn't that into it, or into you, or you're not into them. I don't think - now - that it can get better than how it is initially, especially if it's not your first time round the block, and if you're not enthusiastic about making sex one of the relationship priorities when you first get together, you never will be. 

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sex not being awesome is generally a sign that that one of you isn't that into it, or into you, or you're not into them.

Do you think that, if both people are really into one another, that will automatically lead to good sex?  I mean, I can see what you’re saying (I think) about people putting in effort, but what about situations where people have different preferences (in terms of activities and techniques, I mean, not necessarily in terms of orientation)?

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Do you think that, if both people are really into one another, that will automatically lead to good sex?

Based on my marriage, no. They both have to be really into expressing that bond sexually too. 

 

I think that if they were, they'd find a way to enjoy sexual stuff their partner wanted even if it wasn't something they were particularly into, because of the thrill of getting your partner off, and the shared sexual experience. Both are intoxicating. If there was something that did hit a hard limit, they'd probably at least give it a try, and if it didn't work out there'd be enough understanding and desire to figure out a compromise, because they both truly appreciate that it's important. 

 

It's a bit like two really driven, ambitious people - probably there'd be problems, but they both understand how important ambition is to the other, and they'd find a way; if one was less ambitious, they'd have more of a problem with finding a way through.

[ryn2]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'd commute the 'marriage-esque' relationship into a friendship, because conversation, shared interests, and fun are stuff I do with friends.

Have you been in a situation where you had good sex but not these other types of connections?

 

I’m not meaning to challenge your experience, just trying to understand why others - and potentially therefore myself - prioritze some aspects of getting along with someone above other aspects.

 

I.e., is it a given for you that you would only enter into a sexual relationship with someone who already possesses (or at least seems to possess) the other traits you want in a partner?

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Based on my marriage, no. They both have to be really into expressing that bond sexually too. 

Sorry, can’t multiquote anymore... trying to reconcile this with what I quoted above about not-awesome sex generally meaning one or both of you is/are not that into one another...

 

Do you think your situation was an exception (you were really into one another, but not collectively into sex enough to make that part work) or are you retrospectively thinking you weren’t as into each other as it seemed at the time?

[Telecaster68]

3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Have you been in a situation where you had good sex but not these other types of connections?

Not quite, but I've had flings where the whole friendship bit was way less important than the sex. The other stuff might've developed if those flings had gone on longer, I guess. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who annoyed the fuck out of me, however hot they were, or however amazing their fellatic technique.

 

6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

is it a given for you that you would only enter into a sexual relationship with someone who already possesses (or at least seems to possess) the other traits you want in a partner?

If I was looking for a substantive relationship, yes. If it was just a fling, then fancying each other and making each other laugh would be enough.