leeluvssquids

Am I Gray-Ace?

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leeluvssquids

I’ve been confused for weeks because my body will get that warm feeling some talking about, though it’s not very strong, like I notice, but that’s because lately when I see anyone I think is gorgeous I see if my body reacts cause I’ve been testing myself essentially. But mentally I don’t think anything besides “they’re pretty”. So maybe I’m gray ace?

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Starlit Sky

Your body will basically react however your body reacts, regardless of what you think, so that's not necessarily an indication of whether or not you're ace / allo / or in the gray area. :) But in other words, feeling that doesn't mean that you're a gray-ace. However, if that warm feeling causes some sort of bodily desire to engage in intercourse (even if that's not what your mind is saying), then you should probably consider that you might be in the gray area, or even allosexual. ^_^

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MichaelTannock

Sexual Attraction and Arousal aren't the same, and some Asexuals still experience arousal.

If you can get aroused, and still never desire sex with another person, then you're Asexual, not Greysexual.

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leeluvssquids
6 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

Your body will basically react however your body reacts, regardless of what you think, so that's not necessarily an indication of whether or not you're ace / allo / or in the gray area. :) But in other words, feeling that doesn't mean that you're a gray-ace. However, if that warm feeling causes some sort of bodily desire to engage in intercourse (even if that's not what your mind is saying), then you should probably consider that you might be in the gray area, or even allosexual. ^_^

I’m having problems deciding if that is a desire to engage. Mentally nada, like I said, but bodily, I can’t tell I guess.

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MichaelTannock
3 minutes ago, leeluvssquids said:

Mentally nada, like I said

You needn't go further than that. You have your answer.

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Enzic

Welcome to AVEN

 

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leeluvssquids
4 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

You needn't go further than that. You have your answer.

Thanks, though I feel like I’m getting conflicting ideas on here haha.

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MichaelTannock
2 minutes ago, leeluvssquids said:

Thanks, though I feel like I’m getting conflicting ideas on here haha.

 

You might find this post helpful if you haven't read it already,

 

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infinityandbeyond
1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said:

Sexual Attraction and Arousal aren't the same, and some Asexuals still experience arousal.

If you can get aroused, and still never desire sex with another person, then you're Asexual, not Greysexual.

This makes sense to me and is the conclusion I came too when wondering if I was grey or not.  I can get aroused but the thought of having to then have sex never enters the equation, although I'm not repulsed by it sex would be a chore.

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Nowhere Girl
8 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

even if that's not what your mind is saying

I would disagree about it. The decisive aspect is what one desires. If one's body has some urges, but the mind is screaming "No! I don't want sex!", it's more important.

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Starlit Sky
4 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I would disagree about it. The decisive aspect is what one desires. If one's body has some urges, but the mind is screaming "No! I don't want sex!", it's more important.

Absolutely, but what I was trying to get across was that arousal will happen even if our minds don't agree with it. :)

 

6 hours ago, leeluvssquids said:

Thanks, though I feel like I’m getting conflicting ideas on here haha.

I think the reason you feel that is because, well, you kind of are xD I love AVEN, and I generally love the people, but I do disagree how some of us go about "deciding" whether or not a person is asexual. But I have absolutely been on the "other side," so to speak, where it was all very cut and dry. You either are or you're not, you either have sexual attraction or you don't, and if you kinda do / kinda don't then you're gray--you know, whatever the topic is.

 

But the reality is that that's just not how sexuality and sexual desire / attraction works . . . and over the past couple years or so, and especially this past year, I've been learning more and more about sexual repression. I in no way believe that every asexual is just repressing their sexualities--I don't even believe that's true for half of asexuals--but it absolutely can be true for a number of people who come through here, and was probably true for myself.

 

To get more on topic, though, you do sound asexual. It's entirely possible that one day you'll find someone, things happen, and you realize, "Oh! I actually want sex!" You may or may not find them sexually attractive, but that desire--if it were to happen--would be enough for you to comfortably call yourself either allo or gray-A, and if that were to happen, there'd be nothing wrong with it.

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Nowhere Girl
2 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

But the reality is that that's just not how sexuality and sexual desire / attraction works . . . and over the past couple years or so, and especially this past year, I've been learning more and more about sexual repression. I in no way believe that every asexual is just repressing their sexualities--I don't even believe that's true for half of asexuals--but it absolutely can be true for a number of people who come through here, and was probably true for myself.

Is sexual repression necessarily Something Wrong? One can prefer feeling something else than one does actually feel and then they "have a right" to repress unwanted feelings.

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Starlit Sky
6 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Is sexual repression necessarily Something Wrong? One can prefer feeling something else than one does actually feel and then they "have a right" to repress unwanted feelings.

To be honest, repressing feelings is never a good or healthy idea, no matter what the circumstances. I'm not sure if that's quite what you meant or not, but on the chance that it is, I felt it was important to point that out. As far as people having a "right" to suppress emotion, sure, they have that--but throughout my childhood and adolescence I did what I could to repress my emotions, and doing so just about destroyed my humanity. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

It is also important to note that repressing your sexuality can be incredibly detrimental to your over-all health, but the effects of that would really depend on an individual and what they're actually repressing, I think.

 

But--and please correct me if I'm wrong--what you're mainly asking is, Does it really matter if an asexual is repressing their sexuality? Is that correct?

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Nowhere Girl
7 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

But--and please correct me if I'm wrong--what you're mainly asking is, Does it really matter if an asexual is repressing their sexuality? Is that correct?

No, I'm mostly questioning the automatic assumption that sexual repression is always wrong.

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Marlow1

My wife is a sexual who has twice, for long periods of time, unconciously repressed her sexuality. The first time was before she met me. She had had a terrible relationship and through the suffering of all that ended up loosing all desire for sex. At first this felt completely normal to her, but as time went by unwanted behaviours and anxiety developed. 

 

She entered therapy, and after several years her desire for sex returned. And for 20 years things were fine for her. I have mentioned elsewhere that when she and I met me not pressurising her into sex helped a very lot for her to get well from this

 

Anyway the 20 years went by, and she was basically a highly sexed sexual, me a moderately sexed demisexual, but it worked. We was exceedingly happy

 

Later though, I had the brain hemhorrage and for a variety of reasons lost my atttaction to her

 

My wife was very hurt by this but this time she did not have anybody to tell. She began to believe that the attraction would not return and basically had to decide what she could do about it

 

Something very deep inside of her said she could not sleep with somebody else, this is part because she loves me, but partly because she just cannot sleep with a person she does not know well and so on. She has beliefs about fidelity too, that sex is spiritual and so on. The thought of sleeping with another person whilst married to me just makes her ill

 

She decided the relationship with me was more important than the sex and both consciously and unconsciously started to come to terms with it, or so she thought

 

It is a long story regarding all the things that have emerged in therapy regarding all this, but long story shorty, after going through several years of no sex and believing she did not need or want sex my wife now suffers from several anxiety disorders, including hypersexuality (using sex to soothe anxiety, having intrusive sexual thoughts, obsessive compulsive behaviour, shame issues and a lot more) due to all this.

 

She is doing exceptionally well, and is recovering, but my point here is that for a sexual that represses their sexuality there can be long term problems that are difficult to undo. It has been terrible to see my wife go through all this

 

Me, my lack of attraction is definitely not repression. My lack of attraction is due to Aphantasia.

 

As I have mentioned many times here, it takes years for me to become attracted because I need a specific kind of relationship with my partner, and the situations that are in place that lead up to the attraction are important. As with everything in life I have to build concepts. I cannot just look at a person, or a situation etc, and think I want that. My mind needs a fair amount of information before it can crystalise the idealness. Other people use their imagination to do that. They have 'types' built into their unconcious minds, they can remember clearly the the many thing that happened the previous times they were together, and so on

 

 

I think that the best way to figure out if it is repression or something else, such as just being wired differently is to study the process of attraction for sexual folk. Listening to the many ways that they can become attracted can help a person understand their own way that they are dealing with things.

 

With my wife, for several years with the problems from the brain hemhorrage etc, it was not obvious to her or myself how distressed she was.

 

With me, even to this day with my attraction now returned, if for some reason my wife could not make love with me, I would be perfectly OK. I would be bothered if it reduced the hugging etc, but the no sex I could live with. And if she dies or leaves, the no sex would be perfect for me, even not having a person to hug many times each day would be fine for me. I am just as happy with no sex as I am with sex. I do not miss it the way my wife does. Having no sex does not have the same effect on me, and it is not just not being not bothered, I am happy without it. This why I know for her it is repression and for me it is not  

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