mreid

Can the libido be satisfied in non-sexual ways?

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mreid

I saw a thread by a guy (hetero, 20-30y/o) on another website who was talking about how he met this random girl online on omegle. They talked for about 3 hours and then he gave her his Skype contact and they continued talking through Skype. At this point he had seen no pictures of her. They continued chatting and he said (on his post, no to her) he really enjoyed talking with her, that they were very similar people, that she wasn't "easy" and presented a bit of a challenge, which he liked. Says  (on his post, no to her) she was very mature for her age, and that she was "difficult" which he liked. After a while she posts some pictures of herself and he says  (on his post, no to her) she wasn't very hot or remarkable in any way, that she was average looking and acceptable. Over the course of 6 months they talked nearly every day. During this time he had sex with other girls, but always saw her as "someone he could talk to".

 

After those 6 months she says she likes him. He says he likes her too, and this eventually evolves into "I love you" from both of them, etc... they kept talking all the time and everything seemed fine.

 

However she suddenly grows cold, talks to him less and in a dry way, and he starts to get upset. He becomes annoying to get her attention, she gets fed up and tells him he is being an idiot. He stops talking to her for a while.

 

He said he felt sad about it for a while, had sex with many girls but is never satisfied, keeps thinking about her, tries to chat with other girls but they bore him. After some months he was almost over her and she suddenly sends him a message at 3am saying that she had been really busy and stressed irl, that she had personal problems to deal with and that's why she couldn't keep talking to him. He started talking to her again but a month later he starts being annoying again, she gets fed up and stops talking to him.

 

He is sad again and refuses several girls, regardless of how hot they were (his words), because he simply "wasn't in the mood". After some time he starts feeling better and suddenly she starts talking to him again, something about her father's death, he becomes obsessed with her again, they start talking again.

 

He said he has had sex with many girls, several of which way hotter than this one (his words), has had a girlfriend, has chatted regularly with other girls for a while, yet he still refuses girls sometimes because of this one (they never even met irl). He said himself that this girl is not someone anyone would look at twice on the street, that he barely knows anything about her because she is very distant and prideful. Says this has never happened to him. This has been going on for 2 years. I think all he's seen from her were a few photos and from what I understood all their conversations were in text, so he doesn't even know what her voice sounds like.

 

Their interactions go like this: they are mostly a lot of bantering, then she grows cold and starts talking to him less and in a dry way, then he gets annoying and provocative to get her attention, then she tells him he's being an idiot and they stop talking for a while. Then she suddenly messages him again, usually with some apology and telling him how much she misses him and likes him, and the cycle repeats.

 

He said that he thinks he can't stop talking to her because in the beginning he was the one who played difficult and that made her interested, then he stopped playing difficult and she turned the tables on him and that he feels he can't stop talking to her because he wants to turn the tables on her again (his words). He also said he can have sex with other women in the meantime, but that because of her he doesn't feel like pursuing anything serious because of her, and that no other girl has "clicked" like this one.  One poster has suggested that he replace her with another one that "clicks" like her, although that it will be very difficult as he has talking with many women and hasn't felt that "click".

 

 

 

I asked him if he felt that his interacting with this girl affected his libido. He said yes, that he doesn't even feel like masturbating. I asked him if he was depressed and he replied that he wasn't, that this only happens to him when he talks to her and that before that he'd do it twice a day and he'd talk with several girls. I also asked him if their conversations were sexual or romantic, and he said no, that they were never sexual, that right now they are completely normal conversations and that she was the one who started with the "I love you"s.

 

I remarked that it was as if their conversations satisfied him in some way, which seemed contradictory given his story. He replied that maybe it was because they were very similar people, he thought. I asked him how was it that that satisfied him sexually, as one thing didn't seem to have much to do with the other to me. He replied that it didn't satisfy him sexually, but that he really enjoyed talking to her. Then I asked that if that was so, then how was it that his libido completely disappeared when he talked to her? That for that to happen, she must satisfy him sexually in some manner. He said he had no idea how that happens, that he can't explain it. Considering the average user of that website, I'd say his libido is normally probably pretty high.

 

Several other users (mostly 20-30y/o incels) told him to stop talking to her altogether, he said he would take their advice as they all think she is just using him for attention, but he started talking to her again. Said he has talked to many girls who were way hotter than her, but that he can't help it, and that this had never happened to him.

 

Another guy replied that something similar happened to him, only he actually knew the girl. In the past I have also seen a comment by another guy saying that there was this girl he talked to every day, she was average looking, it was completely platonic and they got along well as friends, and it completely killed his libido.

 

I've heard some women say that their sexual feelings only appeared after developing feeling for a guy, so this would be the complete opposite of that.

 

Obviously these guys are in love with them, and that raises a few questions:

1) How is it that this type of completely platonic interactions completely killed their libidos? Any theories?

2) Guys: is this common? Has it ever happened to you?

3) Girls: same question

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Ficto.
58 minutes ago, mreid said:

Then I asked that if that was so, then how was it that his libido completely disappeared when he talked to her? That for that to happen, she must satisfy him sexually in some manner. He said he had no idea how that happens, that he can't explain it. Considering the average user of that website, I'd say his libido is normally probably pretty high.

 

His libido could have disappeared because it was focused on her and she wasn't there. If she was there in person with him his libido could have been over the roof. Some can satisfy libido from a distance (I am one such person) some actively require the other person to be there and sexual release feels kind of empty if they're not there.  There are also people who lose a desire for sex once they have a connection with someone (on AVEN people call them freys. Not ace but people mistake them for ace here). Also, when someone is miserable and desperate, a desire for sex can wane. He does seem quite miserable and desperate around her, lol.

 

1 hour ago, mreid said:

1) How is it that this type of completely platonic interactions completely killed their libidos? Any theories?

Oh, I answered this one already with my above comment.

 

1 hour ago, mreid said:

2) Guys: is this common? Has it ever happened to you?

Sexual guys will have to answer that.

 

1 hour ago, mreid said:

3) Girls: same question

I know in times when I've had very tumultuous contact with someone (as this guy seems to) the body get's too stressed out to even think about sex. You're too busy worrying about if they person is going to bugger off again, if they've been giving you the cold shoulder because they're banging other people, all sorts of stuff. If you could have the comfort of consistent contact and safety in the knowledge this person isn't going anywhere then maybe your body could relax, but while you're stressed and worried you can't even think about sex.

 

Again though, freysexuality is a thing (it's just not asexual or any kind of ace) in that people can want sex with strangers and those they don't know that well, but once a true connection starts they lose that desire for sexual intimacy. Could be any number of things.

 

However - I don't think his libido was being satisfied in other ways, it was just not existent for whatever reason when he was talking to her. Could also just be a sign that his body wasn't as turned on by her as his mind was.. that happens too.

 

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Ficto.
Just now, mreid said:

How do you explain then the other 2 guys who felt the same way about physically present girls?

By some of the other things that I listed. Relationship instability and stress, possible freysexuality, or even their bodies just not being as attracted to the girls as their brains were (which does happen).

 

Again though I don't think it's anything to with their libidos being satisfied by other means, but more a severe drop in their libido as a result of any number of factors like those I have listed.

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Ficto.
32 minutes ago, mreid said:

If you are refering to their relationship with these girls, they said they were quite satisfied while things were going well and that the relationship was peaceful. As for the first guy, his libido dropped when he talked to her and for a while after when he was still thinking about her. So his libido was low when the relationship was going well and when it wasnt. So this isnt the answer.

Again, could well be freysexuality or something similar. (doesn't have to fit the exact definition of frey to be something similar)

 

32 minutes ago, mreid said:

Doesnt answer the question.

Yes it does, I was explaining freysexuality which is a legitimate thing. These guys could easily be experiencing some form of it.

 

33 minutes ago, mreid said:

Their interactions werent sexual, whether if the girl was there or not. Still their libidos dropped.

Exactly. A libido dropping is completely different than a libido being satisfied through means other than sex.

 

33 minutes ago, mreid said:

Only when she didnt talk to him, other than that he said he felt quite well. So did the other two guys. He also said he wasnt depressed.

So that's not the answer then, it was just one option.

 

34 minutes ago, mreid said:
1 hour ago, FictoCannibal. said:

I know in times when I've had very tumultuous contact with someone (as this guy seems to) the body get's too stressed out to even think about sex.

It wasnt tumultuous for the most part. There were times they got along fine and enjoyed their interactions, which he said were nice and peaceful. He only felt bad when she stopped interacting with him, actually. For the other two it wasnt tumultuous at all.

You asked specifically ''has this ever happened to you'', I was just saying what it was like when I experienced in answer to question 2.

36 minutes ago, mreid said:
1 hour ago, FictoCannibal. said:

You're too busy worrying about if they person is going to bugger off again, if they've been giving you the cold shoulder because they're banging other people, all sorts of stuff.


Not the case of the other two, as for the main guy most of the time he wasnt worried. There were no feelings of jealousy between them because their interactions were never sexual. According to him there was nothing romantic other than "i love you" "i really like you" and trying to schedule dates that in the end never happened. He never mentioned any feelings of jealousy. Same with the other two guys, one of them said he felt quite at peace.

 

These stressful feelings only seem to happen when the girls are not around and/or not interacting with them. And not in a sexual or romantic way.

Again, I was just talking about my own experience with losing desire in answer to question 3 which you posed in your OP. When I answered question 3 I wasn't speaking in reference to the guys, just my own experience.

 

38 minutes ago, mreid said:

So this isnt fraysexuality because there were never sexual feelings between either, in any of the 3 cases. In 2 cases there werent even explicit (or even implicit?) romantic interactions, of those two in one case there were romantic feelings on his side, on the other i dont know but hr said he really liked her.

So they either clearly weren't sexually attracted to the girls even if they found them attractive and nice to be around, OR they felt a connection very quickly. If these guys are legitimate freys. It sounds to me like they really liked the girls but their bodies just weren't sexually attracted to them - it does happen. 

 

39 minutes ago, mreid said:

He wasnt turned on at all in any way. There were no sexual feelings or interactions. In any of the cases. The guys said it themselves.

Exactly, so clearly there was no sexual attraction and no libido involved. This isn't a case of 'a libido being satisfied without sex' but a case of their being no libido at all even if they liked the girls and found them attractive physically. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, it does happen.

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Ficto.

We of course only have your word to go on that this convo happened at all, and that it happened in the way you're describing. Could you please post screencaps of the convo with names blurred out? We'd be better able to answer if we could see what the guys themselves said, as opposed to just going by your interpretation of what they said.

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Starlit Sky

To be honest,

 

2 hours ago, mreid said:

I asked him how was it that that satisfied him sexually, as one thing didn't seem to have much to do with the other to me. He replied that it didn't satisfy him sexually

that's a lot of your answer. If someone says that something doesn't satisfy them sexually, even if that doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't satisfy them sexually. Trust me. As someone who's been there, you know when something satisfies you sexually and you know when it doesn't.

 

And I actually do understand how it can be confusing. I think the reason he didn't know of a good answer is because he proooobably doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about things like this, like AVENites do.

 

2 hours ago, mreid said:

he becomes obsessed with her again

 

2 hours ago, mreid said:

Obviously these guys are in love with them

To be honest, there's nothing you stated that sounded anything remotely like love, but much more like an obsession . . . and some people who develop obsessions do, in fact, experience a drop in their libido (whether it's temporary or long-term).

 

So, about fraysexuality.

 

Spoiler

 

If someone identifies as fraysexual / frayromantic, and they read this, then they'll have to comment and tell me their thoughts (I mean, if they wanted). And I'll preface this by saying that

  1. I cannot possibly say that I know everyone's story, and I cannot say that so and so is or isn't asexual, or straight, or fraysexual, or whatever. Nor am I trying to say that. But
  2. in my (first-hand) experience of identifying as a frayromantic, and experiencing all the things that frays experience, and from every single person I've ever talked to who identified as either fraysexual or frayromantic (which is over twenty people, btw), I have a lot of reason to doubt that it is a thing at all.

And I am not saying that to insult anyone, to start a debate, or anything else. Actually, my hopes for bringing this up are so that someone who identifies as fray might see it, might relate, and might go, "Oh, wait! There's more to this!" just like I did. And if they don't, if they have totally different experiences, then I would hope that they would either say so here or send me a PM and tell me because this is a subject near and dear to my heart and, if I am correct about fraysexuality / romanticism (and I'm 98% sure that I am), it will be something close to everyone's heart that identifies with that label.

 

Fraysexuality is thought of as being an "inverse" of demisexuality, with the definition being of someone who loses sexual attraction and / or desire to someone after developing a bond.

 

Growing up, I was . . . picky . . . with my crushes. I had a set list of things that I definitely looked for in a partner. There wasn't much for the physical nature, but I knew I liked chivalry, a curious mind, big dreams, and a strong drive. And I was highly opinionated about everything under the Sun, and as a kid I was one of those annoying people who had a hard time of really being okay with someone who disagreed about why X character sucked, haha

 

But this affected my "love life." I would meet someone, and I might get some butterflies for a short time, but every time, without fail, they would say or do something that was usually very small and trivial, something that didn't matter, and I'd lose interest in the drop of a hat.

 

was someone who lost romantic interest after developing a bond. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like a horrible person because I was judging everyone for their "imperfections" when I knew that I was imperfect, too. I was afraid because I felt like I would be alone for all my life. It was a horrible feeling, and the discovery of fraysexuality and frayromanticism was only nice in that it helped give a name to what I was experiencing, but not much more.

 

That said, the definition is faulty, anyway. Never mind the actual terminology behind fraysexual--get almost everyone who identifies as a fray to really think about it, and they can tell you that it's NOT about the bond, but about certain actions or traits an individual might take or have that the person identifying as fray felt was a deal breaker. When I was talking to others who identified as fray, I can't tell you how many times I was told that they were happy they weren't the only ones who felt the definition was off. Their / our deal breakers would range from anything to whether a potential crushed liked sci-fi over fantasy, if they were "too" into football, if they had a nice side. . . .

 

Shortly after I started college, I fell in love with a guy. I seen his good things, I seen his "bad" things, and there were so many things that would have previously been too many deal breakers that normally I would have discounted immediately. And from that experience I knew that I wasn't frayromantic like I had thought. I began to wonder about others who identified as fray, and that's when I started talking to them--not just about their deal breakers, but about previous life experiences.

 

And you know what? EVERY single one of us had gone through some sort of trauma in our youth that we ended up connecting to our relationships. Whether it was a violent parent, a divorce, the death of a guardian, or something totally different, every single one of us found that we were able to find a root source of abandonment and / or trust issues, and our extreme deal breakers were actually a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt. But of course, by keeping such "deal breakers" alive, we were hurting ourselves, anyway.

 

I can't speak for the others, but for me this has been healed by actively reminding myself that it is safe to love and be loved. It's definitely been a process, but I honestly believe that it is highly likely that anyone who identifies as fray could reach the same point of a happy romantic life if they made a commitment to beginning a healing process that focused on allowing themselves to love.

 

 

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Ficto.
13 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

that's a lot of your answer

Wtf? I didn't even see that part and I was sure I read it thoroughly *goes back and reads again*

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Starlit Sky
2 minutes ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Wtf? I didn't even see that part and I was sure I read it thoroughly *goes back and reads again*

The struggle is real 😂

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Ficto.
2 hours ago, mreid said:

I remarked that it was as if their conversations satisfied him in some way, which seemed contradictory given his story. He replied that maybe it was because they were very similar people, he thought. I asked him how was it that that satisfied him sexually, as one thing didn't seem to have much to do with the other to me. He replied that it didn't satisfy him sexually, but that he really enjoyed talking to her.

Okay so yeah now that I've read back over this part which I missed the first time, I have to agree with @Starlit Sky. If he said it doesn't satisfy him sexually that means he's not being satisfied sexually, regardless of what's happening with his libido.

 

3 hours ago, mreid said:

Then I asked that if that was so, then how was it that his libido completely disappeared when he talked to her? That for that to happen, she must satisfy him sexually in some manner. He said he had no idea how that happens, that he can't explain it. Considering the average user of that website, I'd say his libido is normally probably pretty high.

When someone has no libido that doesn't mean it's being satisfied in some way, it means that for some reason something is killing it. As a sexual person, when you're having a libido response with a person 'satisfying' it doesn't make it go away exactly. Satisfying your libido with them gives you an orgasm and pleasure etc, but the libido still comes back after, often the intimacy even feeds your libido and makes it stronger. If your libido is DEAD with that person that means its not only not being satisfied, but that you clearly have no sexual chemistry with that person. This is very different from having your libido satisfied in non-sexual ways.

 

20 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

To be honest, there's nothing you stated that sounded anything remotely like love, but much more like an obsession . . . and some people who develop obsessions do, in fact, experience a drop in their libido (whether it's temporary or long-term).

Yes that's exactly what it sounded like to me. Obsessive and tumultuous, even in times where to him things seemed to be happy..

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Philip027
Quote

Obviously these guys are in love with them,

That wasn't so obvious to me, really.  Usually you don't do this on and off, hot and cold, petty bickering shit with the people you love, I would think.

 

Quote

Several other users (mostly 20-30y/o incels)

Oh, rofl.  Suddenly it all makes much more sense

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Serran

No idea what the other two described went through in relationships, since you arent giving much detail on them. 

 

But, this guy has a toxic relationship with an object of obsession. There isnt much love in it that I am seeing by what you describe. And, if its never sexual and he doesnt find her attractive and says it doesnt satisfy him sexually, then it doesnt. Losing his very high libido a bit is understandable though, given the situation. She is all he wants, other girls dont do it for him, but he doesnt want her sexually, so his desire loses a focus point and fizzles. No one is "just right" atm. 

 

Doesnt mean he is satisfied. Just that right now, no one is sparking it enough. The "hot" girls arent her and she isnt "hot" or available. 

 

There are many times my libido goes away because of one thing or the other in a relationship going on. Sexuals dont always desire sex. If there are other things going on, that desire can fizzle for a bit. Sometimes even months or years. 

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Starlit Sky
8 hours ago, mreid said:

What I think he meant with that was that it didn't give him any sexual pleasure. It did however greatly reduce is need to seek it for some reason.

Satisfying a libido and having sexual pleasure are the same thing.

 

EDIT: Well, almost the same thing. But generally speaking, they go hand in hand.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

That isn't whats happening here. The romantic feelings developed after they developed that bond, but there were never any sexual feelings according to these guys. They are not frays.

I know it's not what's happening here, which is why I chose to put that section in a spoiler. It's irrelevant to the situation at hand, but since fraysexuality was being mentioned, I said my piece (and gave my reasons why throughout). Aside from that, my point is that I really don't believe anyone's fray, lol

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

...

Really? Have you ever been in love?

 

2 hours ago, mreid said:

To me, the guy is clearly completely in love with her. I think that is pretty obvious. Same with the other two. Why dont you think thats the case? Sure in his case its a bit obsessive, but that doesnt change what it is.

Interestingly, everyone who has responded here is calling him out on an obsession. I have been in love twice and developed an obsession once. I think the problem is that people tend to think that someone who has an obsession is a creepy killer stalker, but that's not necessarily the case. Aside from that, I can also say that there is a definite difference between having an obsession with someone and being in love with someone, and those two things don't mesh that well together.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

Then how do you explain it that the guy, who'd normally feel sexually attracted to women and masturbate regularly, loses all the inclination to do that just from chatting with some woman he never met? His libido hasn't disappeared for the normal causes (stress, depression, etc...) [...] His libido comes back once he stops thinking about her after having stopped talking to her for a while. Then she comes back and screws up his libido again lol So this whole thing has to satisfy him in some way.

Nah, you're just really underestimating exactly how stressful an obsession can be on the human body. That's the only thing happening here.

 

11 hours ago, mreid said:

Thing here is, these guys have pretty high libidos. Reading through other threads they sometimes rate women and talk about their fantasies and from what i gather to them as long as a woman is not utterly repugnant they'd pretty much have sex with her if she wanted it. Even complete strangers. Hell, even cousins and step sisters. Idk if they are any more degenerate than the average person, this particular website is anonymous so they talk freely.

Thing is, how high their libidos are isn't really relevant to their situation--at least not to the extent that you think it is. No matter how high a libido someone has, there's going to be times where that's going to go through a dip. The main guy you described was definitely obsessed, and the others may or may not have been (but as they said that the "same thing" happened to them, I'm guessing they were). Trust me on this one: obsessions are stressful. Sometimes they're stressful in a way that you don't even realize . . . when I was going through my thing, for over a year my stress levels were incredibly high--but at the time I wouldn't have said they were at all.

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Starlit Sky

The whole "stalker in the night" theme definitely does play a part in an obsession--but that's really only in extreme cases. Obsession feels (and to some, looks) like love at times, and usually those who are obsessed with someone think they're in love. They think they've found the one that's definitely right for them, the one that trumps all others, and they cannot stay away. It consumes their thoughts . . . and love consumes your thoughts as well, but not quite in the same way. With love, you think about the other person a lot, but not all the time. In fact, when you're in love, there are quite a lot of times when you might not think of your partner.

 

But the true face of obsession--and I call it as such people are more likely to act in much less subdued ways than the stalker version--is kind of hard to describe, and as I said, it can sound like love. I think that's why a lot of people confuse the two (and I'm not talking about you, many people do).

 

Quote

At its worst, obsession is an iron mask that permits us to gaze in only one direction at one thing—or, to use another metaphor, a giant tidal wave that crashes through our minds and washes away all other concerns. We may become obsessed with a person, a place, a goal, a subject—but obsession amounts to the same thing in all cases: addiction.

The main thing to look at, as you might have guessed, is the addiction part (but you can check out the full article on Psychology Today here).

 

In the beginning, when the obsession is developed, it can be intoxicating, and any number of emotions might show up (typically very positive; as I said before, some feel like it's total love, but that's not the case for all of them, some are just overjoyous, some are essentially "addicted" to the feeling the person / thing gives them, and so on, some are purely fascinated--and in the case of this guy, a lot of it seems like it's a great deal of fascination). But as time goes on, just like with any other addiction, it all comes crashing down. You're frustrated that things aren't going your way. If the object of obsession is removed from the obsessor, as was in this case, then it can make the obsessor depressed and / or feeling heartbroken. If the object is gone long enough (and depending on the individual), the obsession can begin to disappear . . . but if said obsession suddenly comes back, that feeling of joyousness can as well, and the cycle repeats itself.

 

Returning to the stress about the guys? If you'll remember, I said that at the time I didn't feel very stressed at all, but after I got away from the obsession I realized that my stress levels had actually been through the roof for over a year. For me personally, the reason I didn't realize that I was that stressed because there were times when I was "fed the addiction," so to speak (in other words, the object of obsession was around). When they're around, things can feel a lot better, if only for a little while--but when that "object" is removed, trust me, it's extremely stressful and taxing on both the mind and the body . . . even if an individual doesn't realize it is.

 

But if you're just not comfortable with the notion that they were stressed, then let's not even talk about that. Instead, let me tell you that a part of having an obsession (and especially when you're feeling the "high" parts of obsession) WILL kill your desire to do daily activities (and that includes any kind of desire for anything to do with sex--in other words, it can totally wipe the drive out, in some cases). But if the object of obsession is removed (and again, depending on the individual), then things can begin to turn to normal, even if they aren't quite there. A person could begin to do the activities that they used to (and in this case, libido could return), but as soon as the object comes back, like I said earlier, the whole cycle repeats itself.

 

I'm hoping that this has answered why I'm calling what he is experiencing an obsession and not love for you, but if it hasn't, I'm sure I can probably explain further that would help, but ultimately the bottom line is that he's addicted to her. No one else compares, he can't stop thinking about her, he stops otherwise normal activities, etc--all things that come with an obsession.

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Starlit Sky

I find their feelings relatable when I was experiencing an obsession myself, but no, definitely not from what love is like. I was not describing love, I was describing an obsession--and if you feel that that description matches with what I was talking about, that's an obsession.

 

And while I may see it, and while every other person who has commented on here so far has seen it, you don't--which, it seems, is simply due to not fully understanding what an obsession is.

 

Which is fine in and of itself, I think, but the topic isn't able to go any further without understanding the fundamental differences between love and an obsession.

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Starlit Sky
25 minutes ago, mreid said:

Feeling fascinated by someone you are in love with is also perfectly normal, as long as you don't cast an absurd saintly aura around them that is obviously unrealistic, which also wasn't the case.

Except it was. No, not saintly--but they talked about how no one could "match up" to the object of obsession, and that's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. This affected them heavily because no one could match up. From the beginning:

 

 

On 10/8/2018 at 8:12 PM, mreid said:

He said he felt sad about it for a while, had sex with many girls but is never satisfied, keeps thinking about her, tries to chat with other girls but they bore him. After some months he was almost over her and she suddenly sends him a message at 3am saying that she had been really busy and stressed irl, that she had personal problems to deal with and that's why she couldn't keep talking to him. He started talking to her again but a month later he starts being annoying again, she gets fed up and stops talking to him.

 

He is sad again and refuses several girls, regardless of how hot they were (his words), because he simply "wasn't in the mood". After some time he starts feeling better and suddenly she starts talking to him again, something about her father's death, he becomes obsessed with her again, they start talking again.

From what you've said, he definitely is not carrying on with his life like normal.

 

25 minutes ago, mreid said:

but it's only natural that if you have strong feelings for someone you are going to want to be around them, as it makes you feel better. Can you live without it? Of course, and if you are a healthy person it's not an insurmountable tragedy like it wasn't in these cases.

 

Liking the way someone makes you feel is not necessarily an addiction, or conducive to addiction.

Yes, if you have strong feelings for someone, and it makes you feel better, of course it's natural to want to be around them. But that doesn't actually mean that the relationship is natural or healthy. If you suddenly can't talk to someone, and you get a sort of "crash"--which is what happened in this case--that's what I'm talking about when I refer to addictions here.

 

And incidentally, depending on how mentally healthy / self-aware someone who has an obsession is, they will understand that they're able to live without the other person, but that doesn't mean it wasn't an obsession.

 

To be clear, I do realize that being happy around someone, and being sad about losing them, are very normal emotions. But also to be clear, that is not the kind of thing I'm talking about with obsessions.

 

25 minutes ago, mreid said:

Like I said before, not the case. He carried on with his life normally except for the sexual part. Sure he thinks about her, but that doesn't mean he's obsessed.

The sexual part 110% is valid to what I'm talking about, so it's still the case. Especially considering the extent of his sex life, if it's as much as he claims it to be. Stopping seeing / talking to other women is HUGE. And even if he does see other women, but they just "aren't the same," that is HUGE.

 

And in fact, the sexual part, at least in his case, might matter more than anything else that he talked about (or at least of what you mentioned he said), just because of how it looks like it affects his life.

 

25 minutes ago, mreid said:

I think you are projecting your personal situation into this.

I get it, but as I've already pointed out, literally everyone who has responded to this thread has said this was an obsession. The only reason I'm talking about a past obsession I've had is because I'm trying to help you answer your question lol

 

25 minutes ago, mreid said:

As for the other two guys, everything you said doesn't apply. They were platonic friendships, they were peaceful, no one was using anyone, and in one case the guy had a crush on her (maybe in both cases?). It's not an obsession, it's natural to feel this way and it doesn't have to be the end of the world nor a great source of mental instability, which it wasn't in any of these cases.

Honestly there's not a lot I can say about the other two guys, except that they said that they had been in similar situations as the main guy. So everything I've said about them has only been based on them saying that they had experienced what he had, and thus, it was already really, really limited.

 

On an off note, as I've already said, depending on what you picture as a "great source of mental instability," having an obsession doesn't have to be that, anyway. Which is why I fully believe that's what this is.

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Sleighcaptain

@FictoCannibal.

"satisfying a libido... sexual pleasure go hand in hand" 😋 😋 ROFL 🤣 

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Ficto.
1 minute ago, Skycaptain said:

@FictoCannibal.

"satisfying a libido... sexual pleasure go hand in hand" 😋 😋 ROFL 🤣 

I can see how that would definitely 'come in handy' :P 

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Starlit Sky

No, what you're assuming I'm referring to is called being in love. But as I've said before, this isn't going to go anywhere unless you understand the basic differences between an obsession and being in love. I would go on about what love feels like, but we already know what would happen.

 

If someone has anything else to contribute that would further the convo, I'd be all ears 😂 But otherwise this isn't going anywhere. 

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