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Fairly newlywed wife of possibly demisexual man


E Kat

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Hello, this is my first post here.  I've lurked before,  about a year ago,  and then again recently.  I have come to believe that my new husband is possibly demisexual, at the very least we have widely differing sex drives.

 

Background: I'm 41, and have been married twice before.  My first marriage of 13 years ended due to being very different people. We had a "typical" sex life during our relationship,  with him wanting more when we were young,  and then me wanting more when we were in our 30s, but we had a dysfunctional relationship so didn't discuss it much. I was dying from lack of sex the last year.

 

I met my second husband while i was still married.  We were friends for a while before turning romantic, and we actually waited until my 1st husband and i agreed to divorce--we slept together the next day.  He was the catalyst to a sexual awakening for me.  We had sex all the time,  he opened me up to new things/positions/kink.  It was amazing.  He had spent his life "studying" sex and i reaped the benefits of it in many ways.  HOWEVER, he was mentally ill and the relationship wasn't perfect. He killed himself 5 months after we married. 

 

So...i started dating. I dated/slept with 7 or 8 men while dating, and met my now husband.  We were "long distance" (2 hours away) during the first 10 months.  I was his first relationship in 6 years,  because he hasn't wanted one. He is a strong introvert and we chalked it up to that,  though i did wonder how he went that long without wanting sex. 

 

We had good sex,  multiple times a day when we saw each other (every other werk or so), though it did concern me that he couldn't finish through sex, he had to have oral or hands to finish-but i use toys, so what's the difference right? We also weren't exclusive during this time and i dated other people.  It seemed like the only really sexual men i dated were also not relationship material, which was frustrating.  I couldn't find many who wanted as much sex as i did,  though my late husband often told me "no man would ever be able to satisfy you" since i wanted sex 3 or 4 times a week. 

 

Anyway,  new husband moved to my city and we started dating exclusively.   At the same time i was in a terrible car accident which injured me. I began having all kinds of health and injury problems, which were exacerbated by 3 falls over the next 2 years.  During this time i tried to address how we weren't having nearly as much sex as i thought we would once we finally saw each other a lot.  He was defensive,  then asked me not to talk about it,  then deflected it to the fact that i was injured a lot and he was 'scared to hurt me." I kept telling him that it hurt me more to not be wanted. 

 

We broke up a couple of times during this time,  and each time i slept with a ex boyfriend. (I broke up,  then him,  not about sex). He knows and it didn't bother him. 

 

He insisted that once we got married we'd have more sex "because we'd be right there together all the time."  Also because he's more in the mood in the mornings.  BUT..i get up for work earlier than he does and he doesn't want to get up early for sex... so we pretty much only have sex on saturday mornings when he doesn't work... which is 2 times a month,  unless I'm on my period, which he wants nothing to do with me when i am. 

 

I can OCCASIONALLY jump on him and get him to have sex with me in the evening, but that's pretty rare. 

 

I'm doing GREAT  physically,  so he can't use that as a reason to not want to have sex any more.  He just "doesn't ever desire it first." He just wants to do it for me. Now, to be clear,  he is very generous and gives me better orgasms than anyone ever has...but it's predictable and kinda boring and short in duration... mostly because i feel that he's not that into it and don't prolong it.  

 

In our talks he admits that demisexual is a close description to what he's like,  though he can feel sexual desire outside of a romantic relationship... it's just rare. I'm by far the longest relationship he's ever had,  never married,  etc.  He's a wonderful man,  very sweet and gentle,  stable, funny,  hard working,  good with my 10yo daughter,  etc. He's my best friend,  and I'm happy with everything else in the relationship...but im dying inside due to lack of being desired. 

 

I told him straight out a couple of weeks ago that if we didn't have more sex that I'm afraid I'd cheat on him.  He knows i cheated on my 1st husband, but is convinced that because he and i are emotionally intimate that i won't.  I'm not convinced. 

 

He's adamantly against an open relationship, no ifs,  ands, or buts. Which is a shame,  really, because I'm quite sure that would fix everything for me.  But i don't want to hurt him so here i am. 

 

Thank you for reading this novel if you have.  I'm looking for support and suggestions on how to adjust to my new life.  Also...i know I'm fortunate that 1) the sex is pretty good and 2) i get it at least twice a month...but man it just isn't enough. 

 

 

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If things changed after the accident, it is possible that his concerns about hurting you are real - even if irrational?  Or do you think he is just using that as an excuse?

 

 

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anisotrophic

As an aside - I'm not super excited by the concept of demisexual (or gray-asexual for that matter) - I think it can get used in some confused ways.

 

There's also some confusion is around stuff like physical arousal / libido / desire for genital stimulation vs. experiencing attraction/desire for sex(ual intimacy) with a partner vs. feelings of being repulsed by sex. I like to think of attraction/repulsion according to the gas/brakes model. Most folks have both... asexuality describes no "gas" in the engine... ever.


@E Kat If your partner is fairly asexual, but not identifying as that, it would be consistent with finding other temporary explanations. Also, asexuality doesn't mean you can't have (good) sex, but it depends a lot on him and you - and whether you can both be happy with some adjustment to approach and expectations. Communication seems to be really important!


Some thoughts, just based on my own experiences...

  • Are you willing to initiate more? (if not, why not?)
  • Consider asking him how he feels when you initiate
    • does he feel desire in response? (that is, feeling an emotional/mental desire for sex in response to being desired - this is more common in women, and distinct from a physical arousal response)
    • does he feel stressed? (this is common for asexual folks, and you might want to modify an approach that isn't working well)
  • Consider a want/willing/won't list - find out what he's OK with doing. (you might be surprised.)
    • ...if he doesn't have preferences, consider asking for the things you want. (there's a chance you could have better sex by taking the lead.)
  • Do you need to be desired? are there things that might take its place? (this one is often the hardest)
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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

As an aside - I'm not super excited by the concept of demisexual (or gray-asexual for that matter) - I think it can get used in some confused ways.

 

There's also some confusion is around stuff like physical arousal / libido / desire for genital stimulation vs. experiencing attraction/desire for sex(ual intimacy) with a partner vs. feelings of being repulsed by sex. I like to think of attraction/repulsion according to the gas/brakes model. Most folks have both... asexuality describes no "gas" in the engine... ever.


@E Kat If your partner is fairly asexual, but not identifying as that, it would be consistent with finding other temporary explanations. Also, asexuality doesn't mean you can't have (good) sex, but it depends a lot on him and you - and whether you can both be happy with some adjustment to approach and expectations. Communication seems to be really important!


Some thoughts, just based on my own experiences...

  • Are you willing to initiate more? (if not, why not?)
  • Consider asking him how he feels when you initiate
    • does he feel desire in response? (that is, feeling an emotional/mental desire for sex in response to being desired - this is more common in women, and distinct from a physical arousal response)
    • does he feel stressed? (this is common for asexual folks, and you might want to modify an approach that isn't working well)
  • Consider a want/willing/won't list - find out what he's OK with doing. (you might be surprised.)
    • ...if he doesn't have preferences, consider asking for the things you want. (there's a chance you could have better sex by taking the lead.)
  • Do you need to be desired? are there things that might take its place? (this one is often the hardest)

Thank you for your response! 

 

*i am willing to initiate more; however,  when he rejects me it really really hurts my feelings. I have body image issues and take it personally. 

 

*he sometimes feels stressed when i initiate because "he hadn't planned on having sex and wasn't in the mood" IF he can push through that he can feel desire, but often it's based on MY resoonse. He says that turning me on makes him feel desire,  but he doesn't feel desire otherwise. 

 

*i will bring up that list eventually.  This is where i feel kind of deceived because he talked a good talk while we were dating about his sexual exploits and interests....but after those in college his sex life became pretty vanilla and sporadic.  

 

*yes, i need to feel desired.  He says he does desire me "more than anyone else i ever have" but it feels so little to me. Could something take its place? Maybe,  do you have any suggestions?

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

If things changed after the accident, it is possible that his concerns about hurting you are real - even if irrational?  Or do you think he is just using that as an excuse?

 

 

I think it was real...but also a readily available excuse. 

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53 minutes ago, mreid said:

How is your partners relationship with your daughter?

It's good, she adores him,  though she does stress him out somewhat because he's never been a parent before.  That definitely adds to having less sex because it limits our time...but she goes to bed at 8! We can make stuff happen. 

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, E Kat said:

Thank you for your response! 

 

*i am willing to initiate more; however,  when he rejects me it really really hurts my feelings. I have body image issues and take it personally. 

 

*he sometimes feels stressed when i initiate because "he hadn't planned on having sex and wasn't in the mood" IF he can push through that he can feel desire, but often it's based on MY resoonse. He says that turning me on makes him feel desire,  but he doesn't feel desire otherwise. 

 

*i will bring up that list eventually.  This is where i feel kind of deceived because he talked a good talk while we were dating about his sexual exploits and interests....but after those in college his sex life became pretty vanilla and sporadic.  

 

*yes, i need to feel desired.  He says he does desire me "more than anyone else i ever have" but it feels so little to me. Could something take its place? Maybe,  do you have any suggestions?

Rejection stings, and causes low esteem, it's really really natural this it hurts and you don't want to continue it. It feels like something personal -- even when it's not.

I think it might help to understand what pattern an asexual (or asexual-like) partner needs in terms of when and how they receive interest in sex. So "how to initiate sex" is one really valuable conversation to have. Sometimes people try to schedule when it (might) happen. It might help to have a plan for postponement rather than a simple rejection (I think this softens the sting a lot, and you don't face a depressing gameplan of "get rejected a lot until I score").

On sexual experiences - my partner actually slept with both genders even, and was pretty sexually active when we first dated - but I think because it was long distance, so he could form "scripts" and plan for it? He expected it was "supposed" to happen. The bait and switch is rough. On the other hand... potential silver lining here is that you might discover the "willing" list remains diverse, since he's done it before...?

For being desired... well, for me I think about "it makes me feel special", and think about things he does that make me feel special. I think "it makes me feel wanted" and think about how I'm wanted in other ways (he's physically affectionate, so this helps a lot). I let him know if I'm not feeling special or wanted (and try to avoid making it about sex). And for the sex... his willingness to have sex despite not feeling desire, also makes me feel special and wanted? (Maybe weird, but that's where I am at the moment.)

 

Good luck!

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4 hours ago, E Kat said:

Anyway,  new husband moved to my city and we started dating exclusively.   At the same time i was in a terrible car accident which injured me. I began having all kinds of health and injury problems, which were exacerbated by 3 falls over the next 2 years.  During this time i tried to address how we weren't having nearly as much sex as i thought we would once we finally saw each other a lot.  He was defensive,  then asked me not to talk about it,  then deflected it to the fact that i was injured a lot and he was 'scared to hurt me." I kept telling him that it hurt me more to not be wanted

Welcome @E Kat

I can understand this. I had a cycling accident a few months accident, that part of something that the feeling of not being attractive, which hadn't been a feeling I had for myself before.

 

The BBC drama-comedy series wanderlust is based on something similar to you and sexual problems related to one part of a couple being involved in an accident but I don't reccomend how they dealt with it.

 

It's a difficult situation and I hope you can work through it.

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I am a 63 year old Demisexual man. I have only ever been sexually attracted to my wife, nobody else

 

A few years ago I lost my atttaction to my wife. I had had a brain hemhorrage and could not remember our relationship well

 

Long story short, I am now very strongly atttacted to my wife. My previous post explain more about how we turned things around but briefly following a diet close to what Mark Scissons is promoting here, and taking supplements, including DHEA has helped enormously with both the attraction and the desire. We make love at least four times a week now

 

https://www.marksdailyapple.com/a-guide-to-maintaining-a-healthy-sex-drive/

 

 

 

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@E Kat Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! There's an infinite amount of :cake: here, so take as much as you want!

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