Pope Mobile

Help me im confused af

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Pope Mobile

Hi people, im a 19 yrs old brazilian white cis/hetero male, who never got problems with my gender/sexuality until some point ago. I always saw myself just as a shy guy who cant speak to girls right, but the pressure of friends and family lead me to chase sexual relationships my entire adolescence. The first time i kissed a girl i was 17, and it was completely not consensual, she just kissed me while i was drunk. I didnt like it at all, but still chase more girls. At some point, by the start of 2018, i kissed more than 10 girls and have sex twice. The point is all of the girls i kissed i was drunk and with friends, and i dont feel nothing special mentally, besides the recongnition of my friends ( hetero male shit). Also never had any desire to do nothing with that girls besides kissing, and always tried to find some connection with them, asking about her life, hobbies and other stuff. My body answers towards other people touches, but my mind not at all. In my sex experience, that pattern repeats one more time: the girl i was dating literally have to ask me for sex and i make it just to not lose/hurt her and also to experience sex for the first time. Found out isnt good as people talks about, and never desired to have sex again with no one. By the second time, it was with the same girl, but worse, because literally sleep in the same bed as hers without doing sex, and in a collapse of guilty i had sex with her after waking up. Same thing, nothing good about it, she gets pissed off, i decided to never see that girl anymore, found out a lot of things are better than sex to me, like doing drugs and vidya. By that time, i think my sexual experience was influenced by feelings i had for another girl, who i will call J now on. Me and J were best friends in the highschool and i didnt feel any sexual attraction for her, and when i went to college she disappeared from my life entirely. Some day in August of last year I found her again in a party, and we started talking again, and quickly build up a strong bond and friendship, in a point she was the only person who i trusted for real. In January of this year, my family and me went on a trip to Japan, and because of some crazy stuff with the marriage of my parents, she was able to go with us. I sleep in the same bed with J multiple times, and still didnt feel nothing at all, but i felt something growing inside me. In the last day of the trip,literally after i stay with just her for 3 days, i decided to do something about the desire that grew in me and kissed her in the middle of a night talk with her. I felt a way I never felt before, and do crazy shit that i never thought i would, like kissing her breasts in the middle of the flight back home. For some crazy shit  about money and pride from both sides, our relationship didnt work out, and we stopped dating three weeks after returning to Brazil( around the final of March). Now on  i didnt feel desire for anybody, still met so many new people and new girls, i dont feel nothing at all. Hadnt kissed anyone since J, and i dont feel nothing bad about it, besides I tought this was me cant ovecame her in my head. But I saw J two months ago ( August) and yet didnt feel attracted by her anymore. So i started asking myself some honest questions about my relationship with girls and sexual desire, and now im here, thinking i can be a demisexual and heteroromantic. I had a strong bond of trust and love with someone and just than i get to know what sexual attraction and sexual desire are. What do u guys think? I'm so confused, any help would be appreciated ( also sorry for my bad english and  the long history )

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Kayla H. Ahn

Ummmm....I'm also a newbie here, and I think I might not be a great help('cause I'm quite confused about my situation too), but I think what you're experiencing is not strange.We can be attracted to someone, and maybe we could not be attracted to someone. I also think I'm asexual, but I also think we're too young to define ourselves at typical sexuality. We still have long time to live, many ways to go, and many relationships to have-and I believe this is awesome!! However, I think you shouldn't force yourself into sex or relationships or blame yourself for your emotions.( And BTW, my country doesn't use English, so my English could be bad too, and I think this was quite rambling. Sorry for that:))

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

On 10/8/2018 at 5:06 AM, Pope Mobile said:

I had a strong bond of trust and love with someone and just than i get to know what sexual attraction and sexual desire are.

That sounds perfectly reasonable and is absolutely not uncommon, although it might not be the hype in mainstream media. It's great that you found that out about yourself. And in the future, you know that you should get close to someone before you might get intimate with them.

 

I wish you all the best! :cake::D

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Celyn

You could be onto something with demisexual, but how quickly your feelings for J developed then fizzled out makes me think that maybe grey-asexual would fit you better.

Whatever label you choose, you belong here and are very welcome!

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Tic tac

Hey !

 

Welcome to AVEN! It's nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story!

 

Here is your cake :

 

https://goo.gl/images/LGyofy

 

:)

 

I would say your description corresponds to the concept of grey sexuality (no interest in sex except with one person, or a few people).

It could also suits demisexuality : sexual attraction towards someone you share a strong bond with.

 

I am clearly not an expert about all the different types of sexual attraction, but there are many discussions and explanations on AVEN about all types of sexualities, sexual attraction and romantic attraction!

 

I hope you will find what suits you the most !

 

Have a good evening 🎶

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Pope Mobile

            

On 10/12/2018 at 6:08 PM, Tic tac said:

Hey !

 

Welcome to AVEN! It's nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing your story!

 

Here is your cake :

 

https://goo.gl/images/LGyofy

 

:)

 

I would say your description corresponds to the concept of grey sexuality (no interest in sex except with one person, or a few people).

It could also suits demisexuality : sexual attraction towards someone you share a strong bond with.

 

I am clearly not an expert about all the different types of sexual attraction, but there are many discussions and explanations on AVEN about all types of sexualities, sexual attraction and romantic attraction!

 

I hope you will find what suits you the most !

 

Have a good evening 🎶

thanks for the cake, like the aesthetic of it. I did some research here and in the wiki of aven and found out that demisexuality fits the most in me, because i think it not just J, but mostly because of the trust and strong bond i had with her. Although i still confused about some points: demisexuality means have no sexual attraction before developing some bond with the partner, but what about sex drive and desire for sex? demisexuals have it constantly or it's attached to the sexual attraction at all? I don't feel any desire for sex unless in specific situations, so i can still be a demisexual person or i fit better in the grey sexuality concept?

 

On 10/12/2018 at 5:46 PM, Celyn said:

You could be onto something with demisexual, but how quickly your feelings for J developed then fizzled out makes me think that maybe grey-asexual would fit you better.

Whatever label you choose, you belong here and are very welcome!

Thank you for the cake and the warm welcome, im feeling so much better since i stop forcing myself to sexual desire women in my daily life, and all of that thanks to this site, who makes me feel less paranoic about who i am. The question with J it's my high school with her, i developed a strong bond with her ( i have trust issues, and she was the only person i trusted), and thanks to that, i reattached with her pretty quickly for me ( about 4-5 months), because i never stopped trusting her

 

On 10/12/2018 at 3:28 PM, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

That sounds perfectly reasonable and is absolutely not uncommon, although it might not be the hype in mainstream media. It's great that you found that out about yourself. And in the future, you know that you should get close to someone before you might get intimate with them.

 

I wish you all the best! :cake::D

Hello and thanks for the cake! I asked myself just about that, asexual and grey-a dont have much space in mainstream media. I only know about asexuality because of bojack horseman ( what a show), and i started looking out for more media about that. Do u know some movies, music or books that show asexuality? I'm very interested in some material about that, specially in more mainstream channels, like netflix ( my social scientist side is crazy to see how asexuals are represented in that media).

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Celyn
2 hours ago, Pope Mobile said:

demisexuality means have no sexual attraction before developing some bond with the partner, but what about sex drive and desire for sex? demisexuals have it constantly or it's attached to the sexual attraction at all?

I think it could be either way - what matters is that we don't experience sexual attraction, i.e. the desire for sex with another person, unless actively in love with them.

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DesertWells

This speaks to me 🤔 I considered myself demisexual, but maybe I’m being too quick to classify myself. Perhaps grey / Demi sexual is more accurate until I figure myself out more.

 

I do have sexual desires, but I never crush and only feel sexual attraction very rarely. The only time I’ve felt a truly powerful attraction was when I was in love.

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roland.o

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