Hi, I'm confused

[Hobbitza]

Hi there! I recently came across the terms Demisexual and Graysexual, and instantly felt very confused. I've always liked guys, but I've never really wanted to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone I've met. Like, in middle school everyone would name their crushes and the other kids used to think I was really shy because I never said anything, but I honestly just never was attracted to anyone. This kind of thing happens even more now that I'm in college, and I just feel out of place. What does this mean?? I've been in few relationships, and I do like the idea of being in a relationship, but I almost never seem to be attracted to anyone? When I am, it's only for a short time. Sometimes I find someone really attractive, but actually thinking about having sex with anyone I know is just gross. Someone once told me an actor was hot, and asked if I thought so too, and I just said "uhh... I guess his jaw is really symmetrical, which is aesthetically pleasing according to our society". Apparently that was not the right answer. I feel really weird whenever people mention sex or relationships and am super confused if I might be graysexual or demisexual or something, or if just "haven't met the right person yet." Any advice? Anyone have similar experiences?

[Celyn: The Lutening]

Hi Confused, I'm Dad.

 

Long story short, could be ace, could be demi. You won't know until/unless you eventually get into a relationship and experience sexual attraction - I'm demi and it took about 9 months for me to feel sexual attraction - and then it was "What is this? I've never felt like this before!"

But until then my experience was similar to yours - I liked the idea of a relationship, but never felt more than platonic or aesthetic attraction to anyone.

[Cheshire-Cat]

You could well be gray/demi but don't feel like you have to make yourself fit a box. I identify as gray/demi, and I've had relationships in the past where I've felt close to some but more like a strong friendship close than a romantic close. However, I identify the way I do as I kind if hope I can find that romantic attraction. As for the sex side of things it could be that your more sex repulsed, however, there's plenty of people out there who would say sex is gross if they sat and thought about it but do actually enjoy the act of sex, just with the right person.

[Hobbitza]

@Celyn Haha! Thanks for the dad joke and the helpful information, it's great to know others have similar experiences.

 

@Cheshire-Cat Thank you! I guess I have been worried about 'fitting into a box' and didn't realize until now. I will look more into being sex repulsed, your insight is super interesting.

[Sophi]

On 10/7/2018 at 10:01 AM, Hobbitza said:

Hi there! I recently came across the terms Demisexual and Graysexual, and instantly felt very confused. I've always liked guys, but I've never really wanted to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone I've met. Like, in middle school everyone would name their crushes and the other kids used to think I was really shy because I never said anything, but I honestly just never was attracted to anyone. This kind of thing happens even more now that I'm in college, and I just feel out of place. What does this mean?? I've been in few relationships, and I do like the idea of being in a relationship, but I almost never seem to be attracted to anyone? When I am, it's only for a short time. Sometimes I find someone really attractive, but actually thinking about having sex with anyone I know is just gross. Someone once told me an actor was hot, and asked if I thought so too, and I just said "uhh... I guess his jaw is really symmetrical, which is aesthetically pleasing according to our society". Apparently that was not the right answer. I feel really weird whenever people mention sex or relationships and am super confused if I might be graysexual or demisexual or something, or if just "haven't met the right person yet." Any advice? Anyone have similar experiences?

 

I relate to the hot actor thing 😂 he's nice, but I don't want him in my pants!

 

As I usually say, only you know for sure how you feel, therefore, what you identify as. But we're here to help! Here we go:

 

You sound like part of the ace spectrum to me. That's a fact. "never really wanted to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone I've met". 

Reading that makes me think that you could be asexual (not experiencing sexual attraction), and also, that you could be aromantic (not experiencing romantic attraction). Those two are related but not the same. Also, you can one, both or neither. That's called the "Split Attraction Model". That nice pic that explains it. Some people find it useful, you might. Next!

 

I'll try to give you my thoughts divided in several parts, to avoid further confusion! 😅💪 let's break it down.

 

First, asexuality. It's a spectrum, full of people with different experiences, but with common factor of not having sexual attraction, to certain degree. You could say that asexual means "never", demisexual means "sometimes, after bonding" and gray means "sometimes, depends". Own meaning. Also, many ace people are "sex repulsed", which speaks for itself. Others don't mind sexual relationships, they might do it to please their partner, have children, etc. In your case, regarding the (a)sexual part, after some reading, I've come to the conclusion that:

 

a) you've never wanted a sexual relationship with someone,

b) you probably don't experience sexual attraction or haven't yet,

c) you think sex it's gross and it makes you uncomfortable.

 

Partial conclusion it's that you might be asexual and sex repulsed. This can be something constant and relatively solid. This is valid. However, if you ever change your views about sex, you can be just asexual. Valid too. Don't say you have to! Sex is a choice, not a mandatory thing. Next, if you ever meet someone you feel sexually attracted to, you might want to identify as demi-ace or gray-ace, depends. This could or couldn't happen. And I'm not saying it should or it will. Your sexuality it's valid now and it will still be if you decide to change labels or you feel X thing, because the most important thing it's that you are comfortable, when and if, you choose a label. Get it?

 

My advice: keep reading and get informed about Asexuality and related topics. You are at the best place! AVEN is excellent to read other stories, and the FAQ answers all the usual doubts that you seem to have. Ask questions and don't torture yourself if you don't have the answers immediately. Take your time and remember you're not alone! You are doing great 😀 don't hesitate to reach out for help. You're valid.

 

Now, the romantic aspect. We're done with my thoughts about your sexual attraction, now we go with the romantic part. After some reading, I've come to the conclusion that:

a) you've never really wanted to be in a romantic relationship with anyone you've met,

b) you wouldn't get much crushes growing up and it's still the same.

c) you've been in relationships and didn't mind it, but lacked attraction (romantic? sexual?) 

d) you lose interest after a short time.

 

First, keep in mind that crushes don't have to be sexual and aren't sexual most of the time. For me, I get crushes super often, but it has nothing to do with the sexual aspect. I'm Demisexual. However, I'm not part of the aromantic spectrum. 

 

Now, back to you, partial conclusion it's that you might be a little aromantic, which it's not my topic of expertise. I might be wrong, but some of your statements sound like someone aromantic would say.

 

My advice: analize your romantic and sexual attraction individually first. There are plenty of resources to learn about being aromantic. Consider if it applies to you, as I believe it does, or if it doesn't. Remeber!! You can be both, either, or neither. Again, take your time, don't worry, only you can find the answers but you're not alone.

 

Finally, organize your ideas. I wish you the best, and I'm here if you need to talk or want me to explain something to you. Hope you find this useful. Good luck! 😀🍰