lemonlama

Sexual attraction while dreaming?

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lemonlama

Hey everyone,

I'm new here, so I'm not sure where this belongs to...feel free to educate me about that :)

I am currently very confused about my sexuality and therefore I'm looking for help here :D

I'm 20 now and as a kid I was very sexual, but in a physical way. (I started masturbating at 11). I only developed crushes on boys, but later I started to question my sexuality as a teen, because it always felt kind of off. So I thought maybe I'm Bi. I rarely had the chance to make out with people, but it never felt as special as everybody seemed to say. I liked looking at beautiful people, but it never occurred to me to even think about having sex with them. At some point I noticed that people actually meant it if they said "ugh, I'd like to bang this person" and that it wasn't just a slang for "this person looks good". This made me believe I might be asexual. I just never felt the way my siblings or friends felt. BUT yesterday I had a sex dream for the first time. I actually was horny and eager to get it on with a woman and not just horny, but it was directed at this exact woman (I've never met her) and we had sex and I actually enjoyed it and it didn't feel gross or weird or otherwise off. But it was in a dream. So now I kind of know what sexual attraction feels like, I guess. But I'm confused wether I'm a real late bloomer or still ace.

What do you think?

 

Thanks for reading this and thanks for your advice in advance :)

 

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element83

At 20, it's kind of impossible to tell whether you're a real late bloomer or still ace... a lot of people don't really develop sexual feelings until they're a little older (my ex-girlfriend identified as ace at 21 when we got together, and developed sexual feelings for me at 23).  That said, there's nothing wrong with identifying as ace for now and then identifying as something else if the sexual feelings show up.  Sexuality is fluid and sometimes changes over a lifetime.

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Snaodolph

Dreams are funny things. Whatever people's theories are about what they mean, they're about as solid as astrology or pop psychology personality tests. 

 

That being said, don't hold yourself back from things you're genuinely curious about. If you don't feel towards anyone like you did in that dream, it was just a dream. If you do feel sexual towards someone at some point, you've come across the right circumstances for your sexuality to express itself. What do you think is more likely to happen?

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lemonlama

@element83 so there's still a possibility to develop sexual attraction for me?

@Lusnaofer I really can't tell...It kind of seems unlikely to change, since I never had any sexual attraction before, but it it did I wouldn't be uncomfortable :)

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element83
10 minutes ago, lemonlama said:

@element83 so there's still a possibility to develop sexual attraction for me?

@Lusnaofer I really can't tell...It kind of seems unlikely to change, since I never had any sexual attraction before, but it it did I wouldn't be uncomfortable :)

There's always a possibility, it just gets less likely as you get older.

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Snaodolph
8 minutes ago, lemonlama said:

 

@Lusnaofer I really can't tell...It kind of seems unlikely to change, since I never had any sexual attraction before, but it it did I wouldn't be uncomfortable :)

I can understand where you're coming from. Your mind has been opened, but what that means about your overall self is TBD. It seems like you have a healthy approach to this. :)

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lemonlama
3 hours ago, Lusnaofer said:

I can understand where you're coming from. Your mind has been opened, but what that means about your overall self is TBD. It seems like you have a healthy approach to this. :)

What means TBD?

I hope I do...

Is it common though, for asexual people to have sexual attraction in dreams?

 

@element83 so I could stop waiting for sexual attraction to arise after I turn 25? Or thirty? 🤔

 

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Snaodolph
6 hours ago, lemonlama said:

What means TBD?

To be determined - meaning that you don't have enough information to be sure yet. 

 

6 hours ago, lemonlama said:

Is it common though, for asexual people to have sexual attraction in dreams?

I think many do. I have had dreams like that, and dreams with all sorts of other things that aren't true for me. I can similarly enjoy fictional situations with sexual tension (like in books or film or my own imagination) without wanting to enact it. Maybe that's what your dream was like, or maybe not. I wouldn't sweat it either way. Keep going with your gut and trust your waking comfort level instead of what you were like in a dream. 

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element83
10 hours ago, lemonlama said:

@element83 so I could stop waiting for sexual attraction to arise after I turn 25? Or thirty? 🤔

I would stop waiting right now, identify whichever way I feel right now, and then if things change, then I can change my identity label, then.  A lot of things change over people's lifetimes, and especially in people's 20s, that doesn't make them less true of that exact point in time.

 

My uncle used to be an engineer.  Then he decided to go to law school and now tells everyone he's a lawyer.  That doesn't change the fact that he used to be an engineer.  That didn't invalidate his engineer-ness when he was an engineer. But he's not an engineer now, and it also doesn't invalidate his lawyer-ness right now.  Things changed in his life, his identity changed, his label changed, and everyone understood that change is a natural part of life and went along with it.  I know sexual orientation is very different from careers, but the idea of people's situations being fluid, and identities/labels needing to be flexible to reflect that still applies.

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lemonlama

@Lusnaofer it's kind of relieving to hear that there are people who experience similar things..

@element83 I really have to get used to the fact that sexuality is fluid and can change over time. I guess I just have to accept it

 

Thanks to both of you, I highly appreciate that! You really helped me to calm down and took the pressure off me.

:) I'm still confused, but not angry about it.

 

 

 

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Starlit Sky

Something to consider is that being allosexual isn't just about sexual attraction. I have yet to ever experience sexual attraction (although I'm all about that aesthetic attraction), but I have experienced sexual desire. And from the contents of your dream, and certain other ways that you worded your OP, I think there's a good chance that, given the right circumstances, you would at least experience the desire for sex, if not the attraction as well.

 

Or not--it's hard to say without knowing the future :)

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lemonlama
On 10/9/2018 at 6:22 AM, Starlit Sky said:

Something to consider is that being allosexual isn't just about sexual attraction. I have yet to ever experience sexual attraction (although I'm all about that aesthetic attraction), but I have experienced sexual desire. And from the contents of your dream, and certain other ways that you worded your OP, I think there's a good chance that, given the right circumstances, you would at least experience the desire for sex, if not the attraction as well.

 

Or not--it's hard to say without knowing the future :)

Before I started finding out more about asexuality, I never thought about having sex with a specific person, like it would feel weird and somehow degrading their intellectuality. I want to try it, but just to know what it is like. And I just can't imagine enjoying sex I'm real life and not having to act like I do to not disappoint my partner. Now, everytime I'm aesthetically attracted to someone I automatically think "bit am I sexually attracted?" and this kind of forces me into sexual thoughts that I can't really think or hang on to or enjoy.

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Ficto.
13 hours ago, lemonlama said:

Before I started finding out more about asexuality, I never thought about having sex with a specific person, like it would feel weird and somehow degrading their intellectuality. I want to try it, but just to know what it is like. And I just can't imagine enjoying sex I'm real life and not having to act like I do to not disappoint my partner. Now, everytime I'm aesthetically attracted to someone I automatically think "bit am I sexually attracted?" and this kind of forces me into sexual thoughts that I can't really think or hang on to or enjoy.

I didn't experience actual sexual attraction (a desire to connect sexually with someone else) until I was 28, despite having masturbated from a very young age. It was a very identifiable feeling because I knew I actually wanted to have sexual intimacy with that person, and we did a lot of sexual stuff online that I actively desired for my own and shared pleasure. I'd never wanted that with anyone before, that's how I knew I was experiencing actual sexual attraction as opposed to just finding that person aesthetically attractive, if that makes sense? Oh also, I'd actually had sex in the past that I never enjoyed or desired, I had a past sexual relationship for 5 years where I had to have sex twice a day and I hated every second of it!! However once I felt actual sexual attraction I was able to begin to actively enjoy the idea of sex and exploring different things that would be sexually pleasurable for me. So what I'm saying is that it doesn't even seem to matter much if you physically enjoy sex or if you've never even had it or whatever, you can still definitely tell when you're actively sexually desiring a specific person. Well, I could anyway. :) 

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lemonlama

@FictoCannibal. Thank you for your input! It is very helpful.. judging by that I experienced actual sexual attraction in my dream, but since I've never felt it in real life I'm comfortable for now identifying as asexual. It's also very relieving to hear, that you experienced sexual attraction later on in life, it's all so much more fluid and dynamic than I thought...

 

 

 

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Starlit Sky

I had experienced a desire for sex in my dreams before I felt it in my real life. . . .

 

The way I look at it is that there's always a chance that you could experience sexual attraction later--but I don't think you should wait. If, right now, you really believe that asexuality is your orientation, run with it. Lesbians aren't told by LGBT+ members that they should hold off on identifying as homosexual just because they MIGHT realize later on they like guys, too--and who even knows how long it would take to get to that point?

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lemonlama
21 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

I had experienced a desire for sex in my dreams before I felt it in my real life. . . .

 

The way I look at it is that there's always a chance that you could experience sexual attraction later--but I don't think you should wait. If, right now, you really believe that asexuality is your orientation, run with it. Lesbians aren't told by LGBT+ members that they should hold off on identifying as homosexual just because they MIGHT realize later on they like guys, too--and who even knows how long it would take to get to that point?

I guess when it changes, I'll identify as something else..but for now I'm good with what there is. I'm curious if it will change though :D

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