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Hypergamy - good or bad?


Chloe88

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I was having at debate with someone off here about hypergamy. I don't look for successful guys or wealthy guys and these things are a turn off. I feel they're the most boring and the most dull people around.

 

The person I was debating with had opposing views and she said that if I found a successful guy many of my life problems will be over. Right now, I've left a job and will soon be moving back to my parents and I also suffer from loneliness and depression. People call her a gold-digger.

 

I think it's wrong to give priority to a successful guy, but people can do what they like. And what is "success" anyway? There are plenty of stories of rich people going broke and plenty of stories of rich people behaving like dickheads. 

 

I don't have a problem with girls going for successful guys, but some people do have a problem with that. One of my uni friends married a successful lawyer and now she's an example to be followed and all her friends compliment her for landing such a good catch. They call me a loser for not wanting to do the same.

 

It seems that you get criticized for avoiding the successful type, but critisized for going for them.... so what do people think?

 

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For a lasting relationship the best option is to go for the "right" type. 

 

Madonna may have been a "material girl, living in a material world" but for most relationships there's more to love than a big house and foreign holidays

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EngineeRaven

Well, I personally don't care for the other person's financial state. As an engineer, I'll make enough money to keep up our family, so if they make less than me, that's okay, as long as they love what they do. :)

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Grumpy Alien

What is hypergamy?

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@okir fokir, its dating or marrying someone of a (archaic term here, sorry) higher social caste or more affluent than yourself 

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Kayla H. Ahn

Well, I'm almost close to aromantic ace, so I really don't share my experience with u, but in my opinion, marrying or dating the person you LOVE is one of the the most successful and awesome thing you can do, regardless their financial backgrounds. BUT, I also understand your friends' opinion, because the person they married can make them happy. But I think money and their social caste shouldn't be the only thing that makes us happy in our relationships.

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Kayla H. Ahn
Just now, Kayla H. Ahn said:

Well, I'm almost close to aromantic ace, so I really don't share my experience with u, but in my opinion, marrying or dating the person you LOVE is one of the the most successful and awesome thing you can do, regardless their financial backgrounds. BUT, I also understand your friends' opinion, because the person they married can make them happy. But I think money and their social caste shouldn't be the only thing that makes us happy in our relationships.

Feel free to contact me with PM! I'd love to share my opinions with you!

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Grumpy Alien
22 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

@okir fokir, its dating or marrying someone of a (archaic term here, sorry) higher social caste or more affluent than yourself 

Oh... Shrug. Does that matter to people outside of pre 1900s?

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Gardrop Fuat

For a long lasting, healthy and peaceful relationship I think the role of money and status is close to non-existent. 

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Going for someone wealthy is something that's never occurred to me. That said, I've also never actively sought out a date or partner; the only people with whom I've been romantically involved are people I met by chance. None of them have been anywhere near wealthy.

 

I have no strong opinion on what others should or shouldn't do. It's just really not my business.

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Huh, interesting. Definitely seems silly to me to marry someone because of their socioeconomic status.

That being said, that's just a personal opinion.

 

The only study I could find that was not sponsored by a bank seems to agree though: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/10/111013085237.htm (that being said, the n is only decent and it's obviously just looking for correlation, so who knows how true it is)

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As long as they know what they're getting themselves into and as long as it makes them happy... *shrug*

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It seems like a strange criteria to choose a partner on, especially if that's the only thing someone looks for in said partner. 

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I don't think it's good or bad. I think people are allowed to have any preference they want(as long as they're not harming others, i.e. pedophilia). As long as both parties know what they're getting themselves into, it's their business.

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They should be honest with their partner about it.

 

3 hours ago, Gardrop Fuat said:

For a long lasting, healthy and peaceful relationship I think the role of money and status is close to non-existent. 

This is not a universal fact. It's romanticization of romance and often stated by people assuming moral high ground by dismissing other people's values. People can have healthy and functional relationships if they're honest with each other and say "I want to keep up this level of social status, how can we work towards this together?" If the goal is the same and there are no glaring incompatibilities, then who are we to tell them that their relationship is going to fail miserably? People who don't use money and status to evaluate the health of their relationship may experience better luck and less stress about it, but asceticism doesn't make love between people stronger, so why would wealth make it weaker?

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A potential partner's success is one of the things that I consider when dating them, but it's important to me that their success comes from themselves, and not from inheriting money, having family connections, or having gone to a brand-name school.  Ultimately it's not about the money for me, but I've now had two relationships end because I felt like they were holding me back.  I now try to date people who are as ambitious, resourceful, and determined as I am (regardless of the amount of money they currently have).  Since prefer to date older people, the people with these personality traits are likely to have already attained some kind of success.

 

I wouldn't want to date someone more ambitious than I am, though.  My cousin is struggling in her relationship because her boyfriend is a successful engineer who wants to work hard and get ahead, while she wants to have more of a comfortable, relaxed career path that just meets the needs of a moderate lifestyle.

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I mean.. financial issues are why a lot of marriages fail. According to the last study they announced on the news show I listen to every morning going to work, it's one of the primary reasons. So, it's not like success is not a common thing people want. 

 

But, yeah, if you voice said preference people will call you a gold digger. Lose-lose. :P 

 

Personally, I don't really care about money. But, I'm not into material stuff. I stay home, I shop for furniture at thrift stores cause I don't care how nice it looks or if it matches... use over anything, it's just furniture. :P I stock up on sales for things like clothes/blankets. Only big expense is food. 

 

Other people want the finer things and you can't have that if you're dating a guy working part time at a pizza place. No sense trying to make it work when you know it won't. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I've heard there are 'sugar daddy' sites where people can meet up to develop exactly those kinds of relationships and they know up front that it's all about money. Whatever floats your boat, eh?

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6 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've heard there are 'sugar daddy' sites where people can meet up to develop exactly those kinds of relationships and they know up front that it's all about money. Whatever floats your boat, eh?

I've also had sugar relationships, but I think they're fundamentally different than the concept of marrying up.  Sugar relationships tend to be shorter and more casual, with much more explicit discussions about financial expectations.  [They're also not always all about money - prostitution and the "girlfriend experience"/GFE is all about money... sugar babies often want a sugar daddy/mommy they'll genuinely enjoy spending time with]

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Alejandrogynous

People can do what they want. I might personally think it can be kind of shallow to pursue someone just for their money or social status, but I also understand the practical reasons for doing this. Regardless, it doesn't matter what I think. Not my life, not my business. 

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I don't know if there'd be any way to reasonably justify whether it's objectively good or bad in all cases. It's just a thing that some people do. I personally don't understand and wouldn't engage in hypergamy because (generally) it's not a good idea for a person to value only a single particular attribute when finding a partner, especially when it's something that has little bearing on whether the actual relationship can be emotionally stable, like money.

 

Financial stability is a good trait to value in some capacity -- it can suggest some level of responsibility, discipline, all those good things, but specifically hunting for the person of highest income one can find? That's pretty risky, and a smidge (ok, maybe more than a smidge) superficial. Whatever, though, if a nurse wants to try and land a doctor then good luck to them... I just hope they have the sense to actually at least like the doctor beyond their paycheck. 

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12 hours ago, Chloe88 said:

I was having at debate with someone off here about hypergamy. I don't look for successful guys or wealthy guys and these things are a turn off. I feel they're the most boring and the most dull people around.

 

The person I was debating with had opposing views and she said that if I found a successful guy many of my life problems will be over. Right now, I've left a job and will soon be moving back to my parents and I also suffer from loneliness and depression. People call her a gold-digger.

 

I think it's wrong to give priority to a successful guy, but people can do what they like. And what is "success" anyway? There are plenty of stories of rich people going broke and plenty of stories of rich people behaving like dickheads. 

 

I don't have a problem with girls going for successful guys, but some people do have a problem with that. One of my uni friends married a successful lawyer and now she's an example to be followed and all her friends compliment her for landing such a good catch. They call me a loser for not wanting to do the same.

 

It seems that you get criticized for avoiding the successful type, but critisized for going for them.... so what do people think?

 

I'd choose poor and happy over rich and miserable any day! Just look at Melania Trump 😑

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2 hours ago, element83 said:

I've also had sugar relationships, but I think they're fundamentally different than the concept of marrying up.  Sugar relationships tend to be shorter and more casual, with much more explicit discussions about financial expectations.  [They're also not always all about money - prostitution and the "girlfriend experience"/GFE is all about money... sugar babies often want a sugar daddy/mommy they'll genuinely enjoy spending time with]

I saw a BBC documentary about Sugar relationships and the student got paid in Coke worth £80, so I would not think that was generous, then it showed her going to stay over at his and she did not know what or how much she'd get. This Sugar daddy didn't sound sugary to me, it was more of a escort. But then not all sugar relationships are the same....

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I see several sides to this debate. There's social climbing, where a partner is noticeably more affluent, there's trophy partner, where the one on lower income falls into the social more of "fit", for want of a better term, and there are the lucky few for whom love crosses class boundaries. 

Excuse some stereotyping here but it's a lot easier to meet a successful person if your physical attributes matct the "ideal partner" rather than if you are the sort who could walk across the pitch during a cup final and not get noticed 

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