My asexual partner has left me, can you help me understand?

[looking for answers1]

Hello,

I'm hoping someone here can help but please tell me if it's the wrong place. After a period of struggle my very long term partner has left me over the weekend very abruptly and has brought the shutters down. One of the last things she said before she left was that she felt that she was asexual, I had no idea what that meant so didn't know what to say at the time but have now looked it up and ended up reading comments on this board that sound very much like our life and the challenges that came with it. I'm trying to better understand what has happened, what it means, how I can deal with it and better understand her. I would be willing to talk to her about a potential future because this changed so much for me but I know so little about this topic that I feel I need to know more to even talk about it with her should that point come. Has anybody here been in this situation and could give me some hints as to how I should/could best react? What would you have wanted your partner to do in this situation? What were you going through? Has anybody been in this situation and managed to work it out?

 

Thanks for reading,

Peter

[Guest]

Hmm.. I don't ID as asexual anymore but have been on the side of the asexual partner once in a 5 year long relationship I was in 7 years ago. My ex was very sexual and I have very little interest in, or desire for, sex. Sometimes it felt like his desire was just too overwhelming, and knowing that he'd always be missing something without sex (even if he agreed not to have it which some sexual partners do) was just too much for me. He was very abusive, which I know you are not so the situation is obviously different, but I actually think if he was very sweet and nice it would have been HARDER for me to stay with him, not easier. I couldn't have handled knowing I could never give someone I love this thing they need in the way they need it, and that they're missing something very important without it. Does that make sense? I wonder if your gf had got to this point without actually voicing it outloud to you? Maybe she realized sex just isn't something she'll never be able to desire and that she can't remain with you knowing you're missing out on something you desire because of her lack of desire?

 

I'm obviously just speculating here, I don't actually know of course.. but I do know a lot of asexuals who have finally got to that point in their relationship and just left because they can't take it anymore :c (and on the flip-side, there are also sexual partners who finally give up and leave too!!)

 

I hope you feel better soon, sorry you're in a difficult situation :c

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired sex or a relationship, so I haven't been in the same situation.
However, other Asexuals have described having a sexual relationship as tiring to the point where they eventually can't handle it anymore.
What an Asexual enjoys in that kind of relationship is the intimacy both before and after sex, so compromises involve balancing the sex with that intimacy that surrounds it.
Sometimes that balance is reached, and sometimes it isn't.
And when it isn't, either the Sexual partner or the Asexual will end the relationship, not just for their own sake but also for the good of their partner.

There's a book that I sometimes suggest, that explains what it's like to be Asexual, it's short and free to download online, and might be helpful, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/
 

Incidentally, it's tradition to offer new members cake,

[looking for answers1]

Thanks for the replies, that makes a lot of sense and matches some of the things we've discussed over the past 12-18 months. She's been telling me that she can't be responsible for my happiness anymore which makes a lot more sense now but I think she's also still getting to grips with what she just learned about herself and maybe that's why she needs to be alone. I think it's been getting increasingly worse because she's on medication which negatively impacts libido and maybe that's why she finally reached this point where she couldn't see a way forward anymore. I'm someone with a strong sex drive so it's been getting increasingly hard on a daily basis to be close and she didn't feel she was getting the intimacy she needed just because I was struggling with my own emotions and hormones and started to become distant. I'm somewhat afraid that I've been a bad person but I just couldn't be close because it always felt like I wanted to rip her cloths off and I didn't want to be the sort of person that forces someone to have sex... it's just been difficult and looking back I'm so afraid that I've put her under even more pressure and that she might have misunderstood me being less close as a punishment or threat. I guess I won't know until she talks to me at some point.

I'll read the book, thanks for that. Are there any practical tips you might have on how I should behave in case I meet her/talk to her? I would really want us to do counselling together to see if someone can help us figure out what we could do and find the best way forward for both of us. I wouldn't want to get back together without finding ways to solve our challenges. I understand so little about what she must be feeling that I hope someone her can give me an idea what they would want to hear me say when we meet/talk... 

[Anime Pancake]

Its good that you want more understanding on the topic. You actually dont need it, if your gf is willing to talk about it she can tell you.

 

Asexual people dont desire sex. Some aces are romantic and want relationships with no sex. Some dont want romance.

 

Its possible for a non sexual person to romantically love a person and just not want to have sex with them. Relationships are usually easier when the people are (sexually) compatible.

 

I would just tell her I care about her and want to make things work she has to help by saying what is going on and what she wants. Good conversation would include "what do you want in our relationship." Then you tell her what you want

 

If your answers arent compatible then compromise or it wont work

[Homer]

Moved from Welcome Lounge to For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

[Guest]

Before you talk about getting back together answer this question for yourself : Can I go the rest of my life without sex if I do this? Can I still be close and intimate if she doesnt want sex?

 

If both are no, its OK. You have different needs. But, it also means probably a bad idea to try again. 

[ryn2]

If you do want to try again, or just get closure, counseling is a good idea.  Make sure any therapist you choose is LGBT+ friendly and has a good understanding of asexuality.

[anisotrophic]

It might not be best to be together as a couple, but you wrote "very long term" and ... it sounds like it's just moved really quickly, and you'd like more time to understand and figure out where to go forward, with this new understanding. Counselling seems good (the goal isn't "stay together" but "move forward together"?), like @ryn2 says it's important to get someone LGBTQIA+ specialized that's ace-aware.

 

I think, if you get a chance, to tell her how you've been learning, what new understandings you have. You might want to ask when she found out -- it might have been recent, or she may have been holding on to this for a while.

[uhtred]

It is possible that they realized that the sexual incompatibility was so large that you could not be happy together.   This may actually have been the best choice for both of you. 

[Sally]

It's natural for you  to be upset about the rapidity with which this happened, and natural that you miss her.  But there are some things you said that sound like you pretty much know why she left.   

 

Here's what stands out to me:   "I'm someone with a strong sex drive so it's been getting increasingly hard on a daily basis to be close and she didn't feel she was getting the intimacy she needed just because I was struggling with my own emotions and hormones and started to become distant. I'm somewhat afraid that I've been a bad person but I just couldn't be close because it always felt like I wanted to rip her cloths off and I didn't want to be the sort of person that forces someone to have sex... it's just been difficult and looking back I'm so afraid that I've put her under even more pressure and that she might have misunderstood me being less close as a punishment or threat. "

 

It's admirable that you have wanted to learn more about asexuality.  But learning doesn't  change who you are or who she is.  Think about what you said above before you possibly try to question her.  

 

 

 

 

[uhtred]

For some us in long term  mixed sexual / asexual relationships, it is clear that in hindsight, maybe they should have ended long ago, and allowed each person to find someone more compatible.  Not saying its always true, or that its easy to know, but I think in many cases ending the relationship really is better for both. 

[ryn2]

 

12 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For some us in long term  mixed sexual / asexual relationships, it is clear that in hindsight, maybe they should have ended long ago, and allowed each person to find someone more compatible.  Not saying its always true, or that its easy to know, but I think in many cases ending the relationship really is better for both. 

I think about that a lot.  We can’t really know how our lives would have gone - better, worse, or equivalent-but-different - if we’d made different choices.