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How to talk to your ACE


NoCakePlease

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NoCakePlease

I am very blessed to have an ACE partner that recognizes this is not an easy situation for me, and wants to be supportive. But I find that if I open up to him about how I'm feeling, or even just ask questions, he starts to feel guilty and even second guess his orientation.  I have reassured him repeatedly that I think he is right in identifying as asexual, that I'm glad he found this information and that he shared it with me, that it isn't so much harder on me than not knowing why he didn't want sex but it's different and taking some adjustment. Nothing I say or do, though, seems to help him stop feeling like he has, in his words, 'ruined my life.' I have offered to stop talking about it and to do whatever I can to keep him from seeing when I'm upset, but that makes him feel bad too. He says that's just asking me to hide myself and act or feel ashamed of my orientation and that he will feel guilty about it if I do that. 

I don't know what to do. I want to support him, and I want him to be able to really experience and enjoy the relief that finding out about asexuality gives him, but at times it seems like whatever I do will be destructive to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any ideas of how I can approach him so we can be open with each other without him (or me) winding up feeling hurt, guilty, or ashamed? For various reasons counseling isn't an option right now, so we are going to have to muddle through this on our own for the time being. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

You sound very empathetic , except for the bit that says 'your ace', much like you'd say 'your dog/cat'. Sounds like someone you own. Of course that's probably not how you meant it to sound, but it does come across like that.

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34 minutes ago, NoCakePlease said:

I want to support him, and I want him to be able to really experience and enjoy the relief that finding out about asexuality gives him, but at times it seems like whatever I do will be destructive to him.

Since you said counseling/having someone guide you through the discussion is not an option, have you had a (meta-)discussion about... discussing this?  Have you told him the above, and talked together about how all sorts of feelings are going to come out (and that’s okay)?

 

If not it might help to come up a level and talk about why it’s important to you to be able to talk about this stuff, and about how the two of you can build trust (around these specific topics) in one another.

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NoCakePlease
8 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

You sound very empathetic , except for the bit that says 'your ace', Sounds like someone you own. Of course that's probably not how you meant it to sound, but it does come across like that.

I meant it in the same way he means it when he says "my 'nickname'" about me or when he says I'm "his girl" or "his woman" or "his partner" or "his wife". The way he and I see it we do belong to and with each other...not as in ownership (I don't even say I "own" my cats) but as a way of saying that we have a relationship and responsibility to and for each other. 

I started to say "how do you talk to an ace," but didn't because to me that seemed to indicate that all asexual people are the same and will respond the same way to any given approach. I was asking for specific examples of specific things that have worked for specific couples in their specific relationships so that I might get an idea of some ways to approach this in a better way; so I used the terminology I did to try and underscore that I know all aces, like all people, are different and that there is no "one size fits all" generic approach. We each have to tailor how we interact with "our person" to that person.

I suppose it might also be considered offensive/demeaning when someone refers to "their mother, father, son, daughter, niece, teacher, pastor, doctor, counselor..." - and my point with that is that we use language inconsistently - if I had said "how to talk to your husband" you probably wouldn't have thought anything about it. It is exactly the same phraseology with exactly the same meaning but for some reason that wouldn't have been offensive. Or maybe you would see it the same way. In that case please consider the title of my thread to be changed to read "How do you talk to the asexual person you are in a relationship with about issues related to their asexual identity as compared to your sexual identity without causing negative emotions. Please note that this would most apply to relationships that are more than friendships and might or might not he considered "romantic" depending on your comfort level with the word "romantic," and that relationships in which the parties cohabitate may be of particular relevance." I can't actually change it to that because it's too long so I ask that you take it "as read."

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Sounds like his self-esteem and confidence isn't the greatest.  Unfortunately, that's something that, while it can be fostered and supported by others, ultimately has to come from within.

 

Right now he's convinced himself that he's wronged you, which is a feeling I (also a sufferer of depression and not having the greatest opinion of myself) can relate to.  You may not be able to convince him otherwise right now with words alone.  It's something that may end up coming down to that old literary adage of showing, not telling.  Or he may just need to be given time.

 

17 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

You sound very empathetic , except for the bit that says 'your ace', much like you'd say 'your dog/cat'. Sounds like someone you own. Of course that's probably not how you meant it to sound, 

Nailed it.

 

Many, many people in relationships will say things like "my husband/wife/spouse" and I bet you wouldn't even bat an eye at any of those.  Why?  Because it's normal use of language that conveys "the person I'm in a relationship with, not some other random husband/wife/spouse/asexual person"

 

Context ought to have told you that the OP is trying to be considerate of their partner (see what I did there?) and is not trying to be possessive about it.  Your remark doesn't really address the topic situation.

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It’s not my favorite wording either (I think the reverse sounds a bit pet-like too:  “my sexual”) but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt based on the overall tone of the post.  :)

 

Agreed that his concerns could stem from broader things like low self-esteem and/or depression.

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Thinking about it a little more, I guess it really depends on whether people are using asexual, sexual, etc., as nouns or adjectives.  I use them as adjectives, probably from decades in healthcare (see the person, not the disability/ethnicity/etc.), so seeing descriptors used as nouns/epithets (a black, a Jew, a gay, an ace, vs. a black man, a Jewish child, a gay man, an asexual person) always sounds odd to me.

 

Words like husband and wife are only used as nouns.

 

OT, I know, but maybe it helps defuse some of the tension?

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Ace literally exists to be shorthand, sort of like "aspie".  The "noun" aspect is implied.  Nobody would say "aspie person" for instance

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Yeah, where I work we can’t say aspie.  We have to say “person on the autism spectrum,” unless the person has asked to be called autistic (and then we would say “autistic person”).  I just let it ride when people do it differently, though, unless the whole tone of the post implies it’s not in good faith.

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anisotrophic

I've worked with one person in an adjective-community that told me they did not want to be referred to as the noun, as it implied it was *who* they are. Others like the noun, prefer it, maybe for their own identity reasons. When I speak, I try to default to adjective over noun as being less likely to make someone unhappy.

 

But I think the difference that stands out to me is whether the noun describes the individual vs describing the relationship. "My" is usually possessive, but not always. For the latter (e.g. a word like "parent"), the use of "my" (or "your", etc) is instead there to describe who a relationship is relative with/to.

 

Regarding the OP's question, I've worried about how I communicate with my partner too.  For example, I worry about him not telling me things because he think they aren't "important enough" to tell me.

 

I think @ryn2's suggestion is good to "take it up a level" with conversation, I sometimes have these meta conversations with my partner.

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, where I work we can’t say aspie.  We have to say “person on the autism spectrum,

Sounds tiresome.  And I say this as an aspie >_>

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Alejandrogynous

I also suspect it has to do with the sort of questions a lot of people ask with that phrase, which I say not directed at the OP because there's nothing wrong with looking for advice. But we see so many questions like, 'Can I hug an ace? How to touch your ace?' that it starts to sound like How to Pill an Ace, chapter 7 of The Care and Keeping of Your Asexual. Which feels a little dehumanizing after a while. Also, having it in all caps makes me feel like a hardware store, lol. 

 

Anyway, as for the original question. I've never had to deal with this in regards to asexuality but I have been in similar situations about other things (in your position), and the only way I got out of it was: If you're worried about me, stop making it about you. I mean you can put it more nicely than that but really, if what he's freaking out over is what he thinks you feel while not listening to what you're actually saying, then he's not really thinking about you. And consistently forcing you into the position of comforting him over something he thinks he's done to you, is immature.

 

Guilt sucks. Self esteem issues suck. I don't mean to say his feelings aren't valid. I felt horribly guilty in past relationships but I didn't know about asexuality then so it's not quite the same. But there comes a point when you have to address who you're really thinking about, you or the other person, and deal with that instead of acting like it's all for their sake. 

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1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

Sounds tiresome.  And I say this as an aspie >_>

You get used to it.  Patients pay to be cared for so in the end we do want them to feel comfortable.

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2 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

I also suspect it has to do with the sort of questions a lot of people ask with that phrase, which I say not directed at the OP because there's nothing wrong with looking for advice. But we see so many questions like, 'Can I hug an ace? How to touch your ace?' that it starts to sound like How to Pill an Ace, chapter 7 of The Care and Keeping of Your Asexual. Which feels a little dehumanizing after a while. Also, having it in all caps makes me feel like a hardware store, lol. 

Yes, I was referring to the general use and not to this very caring-sounding OP.

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4 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

 

Guilt sucks. Self esteem issues suck. I don't mean to say his feelings aren't valid. I felt horribly guilty in past relationships but I didn't know about asexuality then so it's not quite the same. But there comes a point when you have to address who you're really thinking about, you or the other person, and deal with that instead of acting like it's all for their sake. 

Ugh, I upgraded to iOS 12 and seem to have lost the ability to multiquote.

 

All of the above!  In the end we have to own our own stuff or it’s impossible to make any headway.

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On 10/3/2018 at 7:01 PM, NoCakePlease said:

I am very blessed to have an ACE partner that recognizes this is not an easy situation for me, and wants to be supportive. But I find that if I open up to him about how I'm feeling, or even just ask questions, he starts to feel guilty and even second guess his orientation.  I have reassured him repeatedly that I think he is right in identifying as asexual, that I'm glad he found this information and that he shared it with me, that it isn't so much harder on me than not knowing why he didn't want sex but it's different and taking some adjustment. Nothing I say or do, though, seems to help him stop feeling like he has, in his words, 'ruined my life.' I have offered to stop talking about it and to do whatever I can to keep him from seeing when I'm upset, but that makes him feel bad too. He says that's just asking me to hide myself and act or feel ashamed of my orientation and that he will feel guilty about it if I do that. 

I don't know what to do. I want to support him, and I want him to be able to really experience and enjoy the relief that finding out about asexuality gives him, but at times it seems like whatever I do will be destructive to him. Has anyone else had this issue? Any ideas of how I can approach him so we can be open with each other without him (or me) winding up feeling hurt, guilty, or ashamed? For various reasons counseling isn't an option right now, so we are going to have to muddle through this on our own for the time being. 

I am Demisexual and my partner is Allosexual. We have a relationship therapist. If you want to know more about what we are doing in therapy please feel free to ask

 

We both believe that we are equal, and that neither position is wrong. Our focus is on communication, most of which we have learned from the AVEN site

 

I am sorry that I cannot think of more to say at this moment in time but if you ask some specific questions I might be able to answer

 

My previous posts explain more about the relationship therapy. If you get few spare minutes you could scan through them.

 

I don't mind if you want to send a PM or post more on the this thread but if you are more specific I can maybe give you some links that we as a couple have ben useing to improve our relationship. You might find some of what we do useful especially if it relates to your specific circumstances

 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

@Philip027

21 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Nailed it.

 

Many, many people in relationships will say things like "my husband/wife/spouse" and I bet you wouldn't even bat an eye at any of those.  Why?  Because it's normal use of language that conveys "the person I'm in a relationship with, not some other random husband/wife/spouse/asexual person"

 

Context ought to have told you that the OP is trying to be considerate of their partner (see what I did there?) and is not trying to be possessive about it.  Your remark doesn't really address the topic situation.

Yes, of course I got it the first time around, but thought that it might come across differently depending on the reader, hence the third sentence. 

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