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Does anyone regret telling their long term sexual partner they are ACE?


101 Dresses

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Hi.   Has anyone regretted telling their long term sexual partner/spouse that they are ACE?  If you are that sexual partner do you wish you were never told?

I am in the loving relationship with my Husband of 8 years and all is awesome except the sex situation.  I am recently discovered ACE but he does not know.  I do not want to ruin what we have by telling him what I am, even if it does help the sex situation which can be stressful for me because I don't want it (but its not unpleasant when it does happen as sex and being intimate with him is nice and I like it) and I know it is straining for him as he would like more.  Can ignorance be bliss in this situation?  Do I just carry on and make adjustments on my side now knowing what I am, and do what I must to make it work between us.

I need to hear good experiences and the bad so I know what to expect if I finally 'grow a pair' and let him know. I am trying to avoid telling him because I am scared and hate confrontation and I know its going to be a shit storm. 

And to sexual partners, do you wish you never were told and your Asexual partner just 'dealt with it' themselves and kept you ignorant?

I know everyone had their own path to their 'coming out,' just trying to find mine.

   

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Telecaster68

It's really unlikely he doesn't think something's a bit 'off' with your sex life, even if it's okay in the wider context of your whole relationship. Mostly, sexual problems something deeper wrong - relationship issues, health problems etc - so he may be assuming there's more to it than you just not liking sex, and may be trying to figure out if he's doing something wrong. Explaining you're asexual may help alleviate that anxiety, but it could affect him more deeply when he understands you never have and never will desire him.

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Sex issues without asexuality: Spouse usually notices, assumes affair, partner doesn't love them anymore, or they are just too fat/ugly/undesirable.

 

Sex issues with asexuality: Spouse can accept it isn't their fault, but loses all hope they can fix it.

 

So. Pros and cons. But, honesty is always best imo. If you are hiding an important thing from your spouse, it's usually not a healthy relationship. 

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anisotrophic

My path involved me bringing it to my partner. So it seems... I wanted to know. I knew something was off but it was a "cognitive dissonance" - things were excellent, and yet part of me ... even if I consciously thought I felt loved, unconsciously part of me felt unloved, unlovable, not-good-enough, etc., because of what @Telecaster68 says. It fed my self-hatred.

But it was also devastating. It got worse before it got better. And... this is just us. I came to him with it, committed to making it work, and he's reciprocated. I pushed myself pretty hard to adapt, and it's not at a complete equilibrium (but are relationships ever? life is change...). I don't know how normal our experience is. I'm much happier now.

I think it's better to tell. I can't know, but the alternative seems worse.

One hard thing is having someone to talk to. That person might be each other. It might be good to learn about potential reactions you'll both experience, and prepare yourself for them. There's also online forums, or trying to find a therapist or two to talk to (separately if you'd like) if you can find someone appropriate (LGBTQIA+) & afford it.

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Alejandrogynous
7 minutes ago, MaybeImANinja said:

no.

And that post was for anyone who does know, 

also.  that stuff should be disclosed the moment its found out. 

 

No.

 

I disclosed it the moment I found out because I was excited and not thinking, and ended up hurting my partner far more than I needed to. Taking some time to adjust to a new self discovery, deciding what it means for you and how you want to approach the situation, is the wiser approach. 

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everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, 101 Dresses said:

Can ignorance be bliss in this situation?

I don't think that it could remain unnoticed. A person would have to be an unimaginable asshole not to notice that their partner doesn't like sex.

2 hours ago, 101 Dresses said:

And to sexual partners, do you wish you never were told and your Asexual partner just 'dealt with it' themselves and kept you ignorant?

And how should an asexual person "deal with it"? It's not a thing that can be "dealt with", a sexual orientation is usually here to stay.

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I regret it from time to time but that’s mostly because I’m not really sure where I actually stand sexuality-wise and now that I said the word “asexual” my partner insists anything else I say is a lie.

 

If you’re sure, honesty is likely the best policy.

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While a topic like this can be sensitive, all replies should be about the OP's specific situation, and not a personal situation you have found yourself in. Additionally, there will be no tolerance for personal insults, regardless of what your stance is on the topic of this thread. If the personal bickering and insults continue, the thread could be locked.

 

Lia

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Anthracite_Impreza

@101 Dresses I apologise if you were privy to now-hidden postings, and I will now address you directly. I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship so I am not the best person to give advice, but I believe honesty is always the best course of action, and definitely in matters that are so important as sexual compatibility (which I now know from being on AVEN is a massive deal). You should inform your partner as soon as you have discovered your asexuality (obviously find the best way to do that first, gather your thoughts, consider their current workload etc.). It may lead to disagreements, upset and even break-up, but it is only fair. It is only fair on yourself as well, as trying to navigate a sexual relationship when you don't want it is going to be very hard - emotionally, mentally and physically.

 

If you don't think you can tell him in person, write him a note or an email, assure him he has time to gather his thoughts before he responds, and tell him you're nervous and still new to this whole "asexuality business" yourself. Let him know you understand he may feel upset or cheated, but you didn't know previously and were trying to figure things out (this stuff still isn't taught or talked about nearly enough). You will have to discuss it, but hopefully this way he'll have had time to get over his initial shock/upset/etc, and you won't have to stutter your way through the explanation.

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In almost all cases I would recommend telling.  The sexual person very likely feels that something isn't right. They may even believe that the lack of enthusiasm for sex is some "fault" of their own, and go crazy wondering what that fault is.   This might be almost invisible to the asexual partner. 

 

Alternately they may be suspicious of their partner, or feel that partner is "controlling" (eg "rationing" sex), or many other things.  There are just so many ways this can lead to near-invisible misery if nothing is said. 

 

 

 

I really can't think of a situation where it isn't better to tell.  

 

If you are OK having sex, you can say that:    "I'm asexual and I don't directly enjoy sex, but I love you and I am very happy to do things that make you happy, since you do the same in so many ways for me".   (if that is true - if not - then maybe its not such a great relationship to begin with). 

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I told my longtime partner immediately after I read that asexuality was a thing, and that it fit what I had always been.  I was careful to emphasize that this wasn't about him, it was who I was, and that I'd never been sexually attracted to anyone else.  It took about a year for us to finally be comfortable again with one another, but we are.   Before I knew about asexuality, I just thought I wasn't very good at sex, and if I kept trying, I'd get better.  That went on for years.  But once I know, I couldn't not tell him.   It was very difficult, but necessary.

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NerotheReaper

I strongly encourage you to tell your husband, it might be a hard conversation but it is only fair to you both. Relationships are about being kind and understanding your partner. 

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No longer active

I definitely think telling my partner was a positive thing, for multiple reasons. First, he could see that it wasn't about him. Second, it led to compromise. I think a holdup we always had is he was adamant he only wanted sex I wanted. He has let go of that, and now we have sex in a way that I am comfortable with. Not having to feel like I need to deliver something I can't (desire for him) means that I can do what I can (the act itself, within limits). We've never been closer. 

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19 minutes ago, Cinders said:

I think a holdup we always had is he was adamant he only wanted sex I wanted. He has let go of that, and now we have sex in a way that I am comfortable with.

I wish my partner could reach this place.  Instead he has doubled down on how we can’t have it at all because he only wants it if wanted.

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3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I wish my partner could reach this place.  Instead he has doubled down on how we can’t have it at all because he only wants it if wanted.

I dont think some people can do that. I could never do anything sexual without desire from my partner, personally. So, your partner may never reach that place, unfortunately. 

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4 minutes ago, Serran said:

I dont think some people can do that. I could never do anything sexual without desire from my partner, personally. So, your partner may never reach that place, unfortunately. 

Agreed, it definitely seems to vary from person to person.

 

The issue now is that I’m not even sure I’m ace, or grey, or whatever, but now that the cat is out of the bag anything I say or do otherwise is just me lying to get him to stay.  In actuality it’s me trying to slog back through 40 years of sexual experience and emotions and make sense of it all.

 

That’s why I’m a firm advocate of honesty, but also of taking one’s time and not blurting things out.  :)

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4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Agreed, it definitely seems to vary from person to person.

 

The issue now is that I’m not even sure I’m ace, or grey, or whatever, but now that the cat is out of the bag anything I say or do otherwise is just me lying to get him to stay.  In actuality it’s me trying to slog back through 40 years of sexual experience and emotions and make sense of it all.

 

That’s why I’m a firm advocate of honesty, but also of taking one’s time and not blurting things out.  :)

That seems like a trust issue. Which is a problem in itself. People can be wrong about what they are. 

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Telecaster68

Honestly Ryn, from things you've said, I think the blockage is his intransigence at this point.

 

Just a thought though - if he's assuming everything you're saying is lying (which is unfair), it sounds like a lack of trust from his end. I can kind of understand this - figuring out, one way or another, that your partner's asexual or at least somehow Differently Sexual Than You Presumed, feels like an epic breach of trust. It's the ancient (on AVEN) moot point of whether sex is assumed in a relationship. Sexuals tend to think it is, asexuals, not so much often. When it turns out that sex performed an entirely different, and lesser, possibly even negative role, for you compared to your partner, it feels like the ground is pulled from under you, as a sexual, hence the breach of trust.

 

Obviously he has to get over it, if either of you is to make any progress, but that might be the mechanics of it.

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It’s an odd situation, in that for 15 years I thought I was the person who had married an asexual.  By the time he raised the issue I had long ago decided I had no interest in sex... whether because I wrote him off or because I legit discovered my own asexuality I don’t know.

 

So, when I said it, I meant it as a comfort to him; “I know you don’t want sex and I’m actually fine with that because I don’t want it either.”  Except that’s not how it played out.

 

I do get why he thinks I’m “conveniently” changing my mind and lying though.  I would probably at least wonder the same thing.

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(sorry, I know that’s getting a little off-topic... the moral of the story is “figure yourself out before you get into a relationship and, barring that, before you explain yourself to anybody”)

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Telecaster68
8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I do get why he thinks I’m “conveniently” changing my mind and lying though.  I would probably at least wonder the same thing.

Me too. But I think I'd be open to letting the 'you' character in this scenario show she meant it, and seeing if that worked, rather than writing it all off without even trying.

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Alejandrogynous

Sorry for the delay in properly replying to this.

 

I do think telling is the right option. Now that you know this about yourself, it's going to change things for you, even if you don't think it will. Things you were okay doing before might become harder to stomach, subconscious resentment might start to build for being pressured to do things you don't want. And really, it isn't fair to your husband to keep a secret like this, as he probably already knows something's wrong on some level and will only come to the wrong conclusions if you leave him in the dark. 

 

It might not be an easy thing, but a relationship can't really be 'good' without honesty. Over time, keeping this to yourself, 'dealing with it' yourself, will only put distance between you with no chance of coming to an understanding. That's not healthy for either of you. 

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Horizon Zero Dawn

So when I started my current relationship I said "would you mind if i said I never wanted sex?" His answer was it wouldnt be a problem. At the time i didnt know about ace, I grew up believing to be in a relationship means you have to be pshyical. 

 

When my friends asked me if i was asexual I did my research and have never been so relived.

 

I told my partner as I was being to resent him for keep trying to turn a hug or kiss into more. He took it personally and took it bad, it is a big strain on our relationship everyday. But it was the right thing to do as it wasnt doing me anygood emotionally.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

If I'd known I was ace when I was married I'd gladly have come out to my partner, but as he had his own agenda for the marriage that didn't lean heavily on sex, it didn't matter much.

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9 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Things you were okay doing before might become harder to stomach,

Oh, absolutely true with me.  Once I knew that this was not individually pathological on my part (i.e., many others felt this way), I developed a very impatient antipathy to sex and just couldn't deal with it anymore.  

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anisotrophic

Apologies for the tangent but it helps to learn from @Alejandrogynous & @Sally -- I want to make space for my partner to tell me this stuff, as we continue to be intimate (with a radically different understanding).

 

Do you have any thoughts on how to make it easier for him to tell me if he's become uncomfortable with something I thought was okay? (Right now he says I worry too much & I recently realized this could actually make it harder for him....)

 

 

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If I may share my own experience, I hope it helps. My very first boyfriend and I had been together for about a year before I found the label asexual. I fought it initially, as I didn't want to be ace. This was based on some false assumptions on my own part; I thought that if this was who I am, then I'd die alone and never be capable of relationships and never be worthy of love. Obviously, none of this is true, but I was in a tough time. It really did just take me time to figure stuff out.

 

After another year of trying to be straight, of struggling with myself, I finally figured things out enough to know this is a part of who I am. As soon as I was comfortable with knowing I'm ace, I tried to talk to him about it. It was hard, because the very first time I brought it up, I did the whole "So I found a group of people who call themselves asexual..." thing and he replied with "Don't worry, I love you, you're not asexual. We'll figure this out." He meant it lovingly, but since I'd already done so much soul-digging and he made it sound like being ace was a terrible thing... well, it made it a very difficult conversation, as I kept subtly bringing it up over the course of a few months to try to talk to him about it without just being told "not to worry" or that I'm not ace.

 

In the end, when I finally managed to get it through to him, he had a whole range of emotions and he needed space for those emotions. He was relieved that he's not just unattractive. He was devastated that our "sex troubles" (ie we hadn't had any) weren't just because I was a virgin, he was terrified that it would never change and I'd always never want sex.

 

And I'm sure there were a whole slew of emotions in there that I didn't see or figure out. After two years together, we were really committed to each other and this was a hard thing for both of us.

 

But even after all that, even though four years later both our hearts were broken when the relationship died. I still am glad I spoke to him. This isn't something I could have kept to myself, and once I told him and saw all that emotion, I know it would have been cruel to have kept it from him any longer than I needed in order to sort myself out and figure out what the heck it was I needed to tell him in the first place...

 

@anisotropic, one thing I have found really helpful is treating all sexual anything a little like BDSM sex. I have a strong repulsion to sex, so any sexual experience to me can be intense even if it's not even what most people would call sex. I don't typically have sex, but I can dabble in things like kissing and letting my partner masturbate, but we treat that like a BDSM session: afterwards, we always make space to check in with each other (mostly for my benefit, but I give him room too to speak if something made him uncomfortable; just because he's sexual doesn't mean he's automatically comfortable with everything). We also do aftercare. For us, this works best as cuddles, but it can look different for everyone. And in a sense, our "safe word" is just stop, but we treat it like a safe word because it means stop instantly and check in, and reaffirm love and affection in a nonsexual way until we're both ok again. Maybe it sounds stupid to treat something that's not even yet sex the same way people treat bdsm, but it makes sense with me and it makes us both feel safe and "heard". It's just a thought. It may not work for everyone.

 

It's a bit of a wall of text. But I hope my experiences help in some way.

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On 10/2/2018 at 1:48 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@101 Dresses I apologise if you were privy to now-hidden postings, and I will now address you directly. I have never been in a romantic or sexual relationship so I am not the best person to give advice, but I believe honesty is always the best course of action, and definitely in matters that are so important as sexual compatibility (which I now know from being on AVEN is a massive deal). You should inform your partner as soon as you have discovered your asexuality (obviously find the best way to do that first, gather your thoughts, consider their current workload etc.). It may lead to disagreements, upset and even break-up, but it is only fair. It is only fair on yourself as well, as trying to navigate a sexual relationship when you don't want it is going to be very hard - emotionally, mentally and physically.

 

If you don't think you can tell him in person, write him a note or an email, assure him he has time to gather his thoughts before he responds, and tell him you're nervous and still new to this whole "asexuality business" yourself. Let him know you understand he may feel upset or cheated, but you didn't know previously and were trying to figure things out (this stuff still isn't taught or talked about nearly enough). You will have to discuss it, but hopefully this way he'll have had time to get over his initial shock/upset/etc, and you won't have to stutter your way through the explanation.

Thank you for your advice.  Have since written him a letter.  It was received well.  Scariest thing I have ever done is hand him that letter.

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45 minutes ago, 101 Dresses said:

Thank you for your advice.  Have since written him a letter.  It was received well.  Scariest thing I have ever done is hand him that letter.

*many hugs

 

I know the feeling. I hope it goes well, but one way or another I'm sure it will help you and him be more at peace.

 

:cake:

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