AngelCat

I can’t tell if I’m asexual, sex repulsed, or indoctrinated to think sex is bad/gross.

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AngelCat

It’s weird because I want to build a family and have kids of my own. I want to be “normal” and learn to like sex. I don’t know if I’m making sense because I really do not want to be asexual.

 

I grew up in a very religious household, and have gotten a lot of mixed messages on sex. I haven’t experienced sexual attraction when I started going through puberty, but I’m not sure if it’s because I was indoctrinated to think it was bad or if I genuinely do not like it. I have urges to have sex and/or masturbate because if I don’t, my body starts to feel really uncomfortable. I can’t tell if I’m subconsciously repressing myself or if I’m actually asexual with a moderate to high libido. Maybe I am attracted to people but seem to be sex repulsed due to upbringing? I feel really dirty for doing it, even though I shouldn’t because it’s supposed to be natural. I also can’t tell if my depression is making me feel this way too. It’s all very confusing to me and it’s like a jumbled up mess inside my head that I can’t seem to ever make sense of.

 

I’m just so confused with what I want versus what my hormones tell me what to do. Does anyone have advice for me or are in a similar boat such as me?

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Nowhere Girl
10 minutes ago, AngelCat said:

I want to be “normal” and learn to like sex.

You don't have to. Not liking sex doesn't make anybody a bad person.

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AngelCat

I know it doesn’t make me a bad person, I just personally don’t want to be asexual for my sake only. It isn’t because I look down on anyone who is. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

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AliceAbernathy

If you are asexual, then there may not be a whole lot you can do about. So, you would have to accept it.

 

However, you might explore your sexuality through hand to gland combat and or having sex with another human. Maybe try having sex with both a man and a woman not necessarily at the same time unless you want to in which case: Have fun!

 

Fighting religious indoctrination is doable. I used to be a devout christian, but now I am proudly atheistic. 

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CierraJasmineJ

It sucks that you're this confused, it can be super tough. I feel you on the not wanting to be ace thing, even though I'm not entirely sure if I am asexual, I often wish I could just be "normal". It's that weird feeling where you know being ace is perfectly alright and amazing, but you wish you could just be straight like other people. I also am unsure about whether what I am is ace or just a late bloomer or have slightly repressed my sexuality somehow. I've always dreamt that someday I would have a husband and family. However, I know where I am is not something I can change. I can't just force myself to be straight or anything else. All I know is that I found this community here on AVEN that understands me, and who I can understand as well. I've been here for a little while now, not too long but a decent amount of time in my eyes, and I'm more comfortable with not knowing my sexuality, and even though I wish I could just know for sure, and just be "normal", I know that I'm normal for me. I still struggle with it though, so if you ever wanna just chat or something, feel free to message me! Sorry I couldn't help more.

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AngelCat

That’s the thing, if I have sex I’ll feel bad about myself, but if I don’t then I’ll feel bad about myself. It’s like an internal battle I can’t win.

 

I’ve come to realize I show symptoms of religious OCD/scrupulosity OCD, and now I’m starting to wonder if that’s what’s taking a toll. It’s all very complex, my brain is basically a jumbled mess of confusion about what I want. 

 

@AliceAbernathy

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

The way I see it, if you don't experience Sexual Attraction then you are Asexual, whether there was a cause, or not.
I have sexual trauma in my past that I wondered whether it made me Asexual, yet I don't experience Sexual Attraction, so I'm no less Asexual even if that's true.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I don't know what else to tell you.

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AngelCat

@MichaelTannock

 

My friend is a CSA survivor who was repulsed by sex growing up and thought she was asexual, but it turns out she wasn’t because she started to become attracted to guys.

 

I’m not saying that’s how your situation is but everyone’s different, and that’s why I’m “overanalyzing” my situation.

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PineWolf

Hi AngelCat! All I can give is my opinion and thoughts and some examples of my own personal experiences, but I think your struggle is definitely caused by being raised to feel bad about sex and also feeling depressed. I grew up very depressed and suicidal from age 13-late teens so all through high school I accepted I was asexual because sex and being in a relationship was the last thing on my mind, I was not in a good place for it. I also grew up sex repulsed, I think our society does a good job of that..and that definitely has an effect on children. I never found anyone physically attractive in a sexual way and didn't want sex so I just assumed I was asexual. When I got to the end of my teens and early twenties I found my way out of depression. I still was not very sexually driven nor did I find people attractive that way but I knew I was drawn to men. I had my first sexual relationship when I was 20 and handled it fine by then but I still lacked overall attraction except towards my partner, so I assumed I was Demi. Then, not until my mid twenties..I started to see certain men as sexually attractive and my drive seemed to develop more. I don't know why exactly but I was such a late bloomer. For the first time I feel "normal" on that subject but lower on the spectrum. I'm not a sexually driven person but the interest is there. I think that once you can sort things out and find peace within your thoughts, with time things will begin to make more sense and level out. Just give yourself time and focus on what feels right and makes you happy. I believe everything else will fall into place on it's own.

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Nowhere Girl
On 10/1/2018 at 3:44 AM, AliceAbernathy said:

However, you might explore your sexuality through hand to gland combat and or having sex with another human. Maybe try having sex with both a man and a woman not necessarily at the same time unless you want to in which case: Have fun!

Don't tell people to have sex. Particularly those who already feel sex-repulsed.

People shouldn't have sex unless they are absolutely sure that they want to. And I generally trust those who are able to desire sex (because I'm not, so I can only take their word on that) about a certain thing: if one wants to have sex, one knows it. Of course, this is not the end of all considerations: someone who wants to have sex should also think about how possible it is. (For example, if someone is single, but doesn't accept casual sex, the most likely conclusion is to abandon the idea of having sex right now despite feeling a desire to do it.) So there's no need at all to encourage people to have sex. People only need information on how to have fully consensual, reasonably safe and enjoyable sex, but they don't need encouragement to decide whether they want it or not.

I have seen several aces who have had sex and regretted it. I don't think that it makes a person "impure", but I completely understand how can one prefer to live without having had this experience. In fact, my own preference is likewise, fortunately I remain in this state (but I experience this "preference", my appreciation of the status of "never having had sex", as a "more positive" component of my sex aversion). Which is another reason why I remain very cautious about such encouragements. There's nothing wrong about aces being, for example, curious (heck, I am to some extent curious myself, yet I choose not to "satisfy" this curiosity). But if someone already expresses sex-averse feelings, it's just irresponsible to advise such a person to try sex.

On 10/1/2018 at 3:44 AM, AliceAbernathy said:

Fighting religious indoctrination is doable. I used to be a devout christian, but now I am proudly atheistic. 

Atheism is not the only alternative to a restrictive and conservative religiosity. Some other alternatives may be, for example, more liberal denominations of Christianity or different forms of "non-formalised" spirituality.

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AliceAbernathy
10 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Don't tell people to have sex. Particularly those who already feel sex-repulsed.

People shouldn't have sex unless they are absolutely sure that they want to. And I generally trust those who are able to desire sex (because I'm not, so I can only take their word on that) about a certain thing: if one wants to have sex, one knows it. Of course, this is not the end of all considerations: someone who wants to have sex should also think about how possible it is. (For example, if someone is single, but doesn't accept casual sex, the most likely conclusion is to abandon the idea of having sex right now despite feeling a desire to do it.) So there's no need at all to encourage people to have sex. People only need information on how to have fully consensual, reasonably safe and enjoyable sex, but they don't need encouragement to decide whether they want it or not.

I have seen several aces who have had sex and regretted it. I don't think that it makes a person "impure", but I completely understand how can one prefer to live without having had this experience. In fact, my own preference is likewise, fortunately I remain in this state (but I experience this "preference", my appreciation of the status of "never having had sex", as a "more positive" component of my sex aversion). Which is another reason why I remain very cautious about such encouragements. There's nothing wrong about aces being, for example, curious (heck, I am to some extent curious myself, yet I choose not to "satisfy" this curiosity). But if someone already expresses sex-averse feelings, it's just irresponsible to advise such a person to try sex.

Atheism is not the only alternative to a restrictive and conservative religiosity. Some other alternatives may be, for example, more liberal denominations of Christianity or different forms of "non-formalised" spirituality.

You cherry-picked what I said. I wish people could and would accept their asexuality, but there is a possibly the O.T. does not. I accept it and understand sexual repulsion.

 

It's the only reasonable alternative.

 

 

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AngelCat

@PineWolf

 

thank you so much for your understanding pinewolf :) it’s really difficult for me to live with this, and I’m glad you understand. I’ve used to study psychology and human development. There’s so many theories surrounding sexuality and how we as humans approach it that it can’t all be that simple. Sure genetics can play a big part of it, but so can your environment and personal experiences. That’s not to say that sexuality is a choice that can be changed on a whim, but the human mind is so advanced and complex that one can’t help to raise the questions as to why. 

 

Again, thank you for understanding. The irony is that it has added on to my depression, and vice versa or maybe both. Can’t tell which one came first, the chicken or the egg? But I digress. I’m just glad I can have someone to relate.

 

although I am a practicing Christian, many parts of me wonder how my sexuality would play out if some of things my family drilled into my head weren’t as prevalent. 

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AngelCat

@Nowhere Girl

 

@AliceAbernathy

 

i’ve invited a guy to sneak over once at night when I was 16/17 but we didn’t plan on doing anything sexual. The next day I felt really gross and dirty, even though nothing happened and I didn’t understand why. That’s why part of me wonders if it’s just psychological problems due to indoctrination. My culture is also really really conservative too, and to be considered worth anything as a girl you have to stay “as pure as possible.” Sure not everyone has those same views, but at least 90% of people thought that way, even those that weren’t that religious.

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AliceAbernathy
2 hours ago, AngelCat said:

@Nowhere Girl

 

@AliceAbernathy

 

i’ve invited a guy to sneak over once at night when I was 16/17 but we didn’t plan on doing anything sexual. The next day I felt really gross and dirty, even though nothing happened and I didn’t understand why. That’s why part of me wonders if it’s just psychological problems due to indoctrination. My culture is also really really conservative too, and to be considered worth anything as a girl you have to stay “as pure as possible.” Sure not everyone has those same views, but at least 90% of people thought that way, even those that weren’t that religious.

I experience sexual repulsion, but for me, it's not related to any kind of indoctrination. So, maybe your repulsion is not related to indoctrination either. 

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AngelCat

@AliceAbernathy

 

Maybe, maybe not, but everyone is also different so my experience might be completely different to yours.

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AspieAlly613

I can't answer your original question on whether or not you're ace.  I can recommend that you ask yourself this question which could help you figure things out.

 

You've mentioned that you feel the need to masturbate.  Have there been times when you saw a person or though about a person you liked, or had any interaction with a person that significantly strengthened that urge?

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