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mreid

Some questions for sexuals on they feel about sex

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mreid

I am willing to hear your opinions without "arguing". I am here just to ask questions. No need answer all of them, just whichever ones you find relevant.

 

1) What emotional need/s does sex fulfil for you that everything else in a relationship doesn't?

 

2) Why do you feel like sex is important to be close to someone emotionally?

 

3) I assume that for many sexuals what makes a relationship with someone unique is the intimacy that they get from sex, because they are not supposed to be getting that kind of intimacy with anyone else at the moment. I assume this is why some sexuals think a sex-less/platonic relationship is pretty much the same as a friendship, as you can be friends with many people but (supposedly) only have one romantic partner. My question is, why does that have to be the case? Do you feel an exclusive Queerplatonic sort of relationship can't replace a sexual relationship? If not, then why not?

 

4) Do you feel that during sex you are allowed to express things you wouldn't normally express to your partner outside of sex? If yes, why do you think that is? What are those things and why can't you express them normally?

 

5) I have seen sexuals suggest that when their asexual partner doesn't want to have sex a 3rd party could be involved to satisfy that need. However, if for a sexual sex is essential to have their emotional needs met, won't that cause them to develop feelings for the 3rd party? If not, doesn't that make their sexual needs a purely physical thing, or at least a self-serving thing?

 

6) Why isn't sex just a physical act that is only meaningful because you already feel close to the person before you do it, but something that gives you that closeness after you do it? In other words, why is sex meaningful in itself? Don't you feel like that's replacing real connection with hormones?

 

7) From what I understand, much of the appeal of sex for sexuals is to be sexually desired. By this, I understand being physically desired  and/or desired because you fulfil the other person's emotional needs, not for who you are. What are your thoughts on this?

 

8.) Do you feel that being sexually desired by your partner is a way of ensuring they are emotionally committed to you (because they are supposed to desire you exclusively)? If so, why can't you just know them well enough to know that? Doesn't sexual desire become a replacement for a real connection in that case?

 

9) Do you feel sex/ the other persons sexual attraction for you hinders/replaces their appreciation of who you are as a person? Does your asexual partner (if you have any) think so about you?

 

10) Do you feel that sexual market value influences your needs? In other words, since your partners attractiveness and their attraction to you influences how you are perceived by other people (ie how sexually attractive and/or successful you are considered by others) that can affect your self-esteem. Do you think that affects your relationship, if your asexual partner doesn't desire you?

 

11) I think one of the main things that sexuals like about being sexually desired is the emotional exclusivity of it. However, sexual desire can exist for many different people at the same time, and romantic feelings are not necessarily present when sexual desire is, nor are they necessarily not present when it isn't. If this is so, then why do many sexuals feel like their partners don't love them if they don't desire them sexually, since sexual desire does not necessarily imply love, nor is it even necessarily exclusive?

 

12) If sex is essential to you in a relationship, then why stay in a sexless relationship? Since many sexuals seem to equate being sexually desired with being loved and their partners don't seem to desire them sexually, then a sexual person will probably perceive that as lack of love from the other person. Do they stay because they think there's a possibility of making the other person desire them, thus essentially changing their sexual identity? If so, does that mean they don't take asexuality as a genuine orientation seriously, as geniune orientations are not supposed to be able to be changed like that? Or if they do but the idea is to come to some sort of agreement, then doesn't that mean sexuals and asexuals are incompatible, as the sexual desire is always going to be one sided? In which case, what's the point of continuing in such a relationship anyway?

 

13) If a sexual and an asexual come to an agreement where the asexual gives the sexual partner sex to keep them happy but there's no sexual desire then, following the logic of the previous question, what is even the point of such an agreement, since what sexuals want is to be desired? Is it the satisfaction of knowing your asexual partner is willing do to that sacrifice for you, despite not loving you (the way sexuals perceive love as involving sexual desire)?

 

That's about all I need to ask for now.

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Serran
48 minutes ago, mreid said:

.

 

1) What emotional need/s does sex fulfil for you that everything else in a relationship doesn't?

None, really. It's a bonding thing, but for me, so are many other things. I can go without it, as long as we are still intimate in other ways.

 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

2) Why do you feel like sex is important to be close to someone emotionally?

I don't. It can be used that way, but I don't feel it's required. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

3) I assume that for many sexuals what makes a relationship with someone unique is the intimacy that they get from sex, because they are not supposed to be getting that kind of intimacy with anyone else at the moment. I assume this is why some sexuals think a sex-less/platonic relationship is pretty much the same as a friendship, as you can be friends with many people but (supposedly) only have one romantic partner. My question is, why does that have to be the case? Do you feel an exclusive Queerplatonic sort of relationship can't replace a sexual relationship? If not, then why not?

Not exactly. Poly people still find sex an important part of intimacy, in each of their relationships, in general. Sex with one partner isn't the same as sex with another - so I can understand. It's unique between each person you're with. And it causes a lot of bonding feelings. There are many things that make a relationship unique. Mostly emotional things, rather than things you can pinpoint.

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

4) Do you feel that during sex you are allowed to express things you wouldn't normally express to your partner outside of sex? If yes, why do you think that is? What are those things and why can't you express them normally?

No? Not really. It's certainly a very vulnerable position to be in though, so it's a way of exposing yourself to someone and if they treat you right, it builds a lot of trust. Which can make you feel very close. You can still feel it with other things, but ... it's just so personal and vulnerable that it is a lot faster to build the trust and reestablish it that way than other ways. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

5) I have seen sexuals suggest that when their asexual partner doesn't want to have sex a 3rd party could be involved to satisfy that need. However, if for a sexual sex is essential to have their emotional needs met, won't that cause them to develop feelings for the 3rd party? If not, doesn't that make their sexual needs a purely physical thing, or at least a self-serving thing?

Often feelings do develop. That's why I think open is a risky thing if one of the rules is "no feelings, casual only" - even in FWB relationships romantic feelings often develop. Because sex is very emotional to many, many people. It creates a bond very quickly and can be quite deep. People will reveal secrets they might not otherwise when they're in that rush of hormones afterwards. 

 

But, it's sort of like the emotional need for touch can be soothed by a stranger offering a hug for some people. Even if it means more if it's from someone they care about. Or the emotional need for social interaction can be met by talking to the cashier, at least a little bit, even though a deep conversation with your best friend is better. The purely physical orgasm need could be met with masturbation, but the social need requires another person.

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

6) Why isn't sex just a physical act that is only meaningful because you already feel close to the person before you do it, but something that gives you that closeness after you do it? In other words, why is it meaningful in itself? Don't you feel like that's replacing real connection with hormones?

Why are words of kindness meaningful in themselves, instead of only when people you care about say them? Why are mean words meaningful even when said by strangers? Humans put a lot of meaning into social interaction with other people. Sex is just another thing between humans that is meaningful to some and not others. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

7) From what I understand, much of the appeal of sex for sexuals is to be sexually desired. By this, I understand being physically desired  and/or desired because you fulfil the other person's emotional needs, not for who you are. What are your thoughts on this?

Being desired feels good. In a good romantic / sexual relationship, the person wants you - body, mind and soul. If they don't want all of you, it can feel like you're unwanted even if they want part of you. Which, no one wants to feel like part of themselves is rejected by their partner.

 

Not sure what you mean by physically desired not for who you are though... because the whole point is what you are turns the other person on. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

8.) Do you feel that being sexually desired by your partner is a way of ensuring they are emotionally committed to you (because they are supposed to desire you exclusively)? If so, why can't you just know them well enough to know that? Doesn't sexual desire become a replacement for a real connection in that case?

It's one thing to go "OK, my partner wants me more than others" - but to truly believe that, people tend to need actions to back up the idea. In whatever love language they understand. For some that's sex, for some that's gifts, for some that's chores, etc. You need to reinforce the idea you love your partner, or they'll have doubts. You can't just assume they will know it, if you don't show it in a way they get. And for many sexuals, not wanting them sexually makes them feel the love is just empty words without the actions to make them truly feel it. 

 

It's about emotional connection. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

9) Do you feel sex/ the other persons sexual attraction for you hinders/replaces their appreciation of who you are as a person? Does your asexual partner (if you have any) think so about you?

No? How would sex hinder appreciation for me as a person? Appreciation for me as a person is often the reason people desire me in the first place. It's a way of expressing that love, trust, respect and desire for my overall self. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

10) Do you feel that sexual market value influences your needs? In other words, since your partners attractiveness and their attraction to you influences how you are perceived by other people (ie how sexually attractive and/or successful you are considered by others) that can affect your self-esteem. Do you think that affects your relationship, if your asexual partner doesn't desire you?

Don't care one lick if people perceive my partner as attractive or not. My spouse isn't a trophy to make me better in a social game. And, outside of AVEN, I don't discuss our sex life. So, if we stop having a sexual relationship, other people won't know nor care. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

11) I think one of the main things that sexuals like about being sexually desired is the emotional exclusivity of it. However, sexual desire can exist for many different people at the same time, and romantic feelings are not necessarily present when sexual desire is, nor are they necessarily not present when it isn't. If this is so, then why do many sexuals feel like their partners don't love them if they don't desire them sexually, since sexual desire does not necessarily imply love, nor is it even necessarily exclusive?

Because for most people, the feeling of love increases sexual desire and they can't feel one without the other. Therefore, for them, it's hard to understand love without feeling that. And therefore their love language isn't met - they can intellectually understand they are loved, but will never feel it. And, sexual desire typically exists for multiple people, but it's stronger for the person they love. More meaningful. Hence the "it meant nothing" excuse for affairs - often it really doesn't ... but it doesn't stop it hurting all the same. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

12) If sex is essential to you in a relationship, then why stay in a sexless relationship? Since many sexuals seem to equate being sexually desired with being loved and their partners don't seem to desire them sexually, then a sexual person will probably perceive that as lack of love from the other person. Do they stay because they think there's a possibility of making the other person desire them, thus essentially changing their sexual identity? If so, does that mean they don't take asexuality as a genuine orientation seriously, as geniune orientations are not supposed to be able to be changed like that? Or if they do but the idea is to come to some sort of agreement, then doesn't that mean sexuals and asexuals are incompatible, as the sexual desire is always going to be one sided? In which case, what's the point of continuing in such a relationship anyway?

Some people can feel loved without sexual desire. Some can't. Some try to stay because they love their partner so much that they try to suffer through it. The reasons are varied and individual. Personally, if my partner stops wanting me sexually it's OK... as long as they don't want other people, either. I don't need it to feel loved by them. 

 

48 minutes ago, mreid said:

 

13) If a sexual and an asexual come to an agreement where the asexual gives the sexual partner sex to keep them happy but there's no sexual desire then, following the logic of the previous question, what is even the point of such an agreement, since what sexuals want is to be desired? Is it the satisfaction of knowing your asexual partner is willing do to that sacrifice for you, despite not loving you (the way sexuals perceive love as involving sexual desire)?

 

Personally, I couldn't do it. If I wasn't desired, I couldn't care about the sexual interaction. It would lose all meaning, since it's supposed to be a mutual bonding activity. But, I'm guessing it's a "they love me enough to do this for me" feels good feeling and it meets the social need of sex at least a bit, even if not fully. 

 

 

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uhtred

There are lots of sexuals - billions of them, and they are going to have different feelings, so you can't combine answers from multiple people and get something that makes sense.  

 

For me, music is the closest I can come do describing it to someone who doesn't themselves experience sexual attraction / desire. 

 

Take your favorite emotional (romance, action whatever, but not talking heads) movie, turn on subtitles and turn off the sound.  At least to me (as a music lover) without the sound track it just seems sort of... empty, thin...... its hard to describe.  There is something vital missing.  Whether its the ice castle building scene in Frozen, or the great simulated battle scenes in Ready Player 1, or the slightly haunting emptiness of The Martian - something is missing. 

 

That is how I feel in a romantic relationship without sex.  

 

 

Completely separately (for me), sex is fun, so good sex with random attractive people would be nice - just as listening to music by itself is nice. But for me it doesn't solve the main problem.  

 

I can no more describe what is good about sex, than I can describe why certain combinations of notes sound nice, or make me happy or sad. 

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Lara Black

Hello, @mreid

It sounds a bit like you’re trying to prove to sexuals that sex isn’t what we feel it is – isn’t really connected with love, doesn’t prove our self-worth and so on.

The thing is, many sexuals know that sex isn’t all that, but logic has very little to do with how we feel. We can blame it on hormones or cultural pressure, we can rationalize the hell out of it, but what we feel stays the same – sex is incredibly important for a loving relationship. That’s just how we feel.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
8 hours ago, mreid said:

1) What emotional need/s does sex fulfil for you that everything else in a relationship doesn't?

I sometimes get an emotional need for something truly filthy (If I'm actively with someone that is, I have to be emotionally drawn to someone to want these things with them) but I mean.. that can be filled satisfactorily by drinking pee or cum from a cup, or more extreme stuff, without actually having sex  (PiV) with each other.. so yeah. I don't really know. Sex fulfills a very specific need for a gratuitous kind of kink. Nothing else can meet that need.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

2) Why do you feel like sex is important to be close to someone emotionally?

Hmm.. I like the exploration of their body, inside and out. This is all only mental for me right now as I haven't physically had sex in 7 years now and don't mind if I never have it again, but in my mind when I'm attracted to someone (fictional or online... maybe in person at some point in the future?), I like being able to know their body is totally mine and taste and explore every inch of it. That can be done without actual PiV or genital contact of course, but I also love eating cum which does require the other person to orgasm hah so yeah.. Pretty much all the kind I desire requires some kind of sex, and that kink is an emotional need more than a physical one (as it's hard for me to get physically aroused)

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

My question is, why does that have to be the case? Do you feel an exclusive Queerplatonic sort of relationship can't replace a sexual relationship? If not, then why not?

A relationship where I'm fucking someone will just always be different than any other relationship because of the fucking aspect. If I want a relationship where sex is part of the intimacy we have, then no other relationship that doesn't have sex can replace that. A sexless relationship could be just as enjoyable for different reasons, I guess, but will never replace a relationship where sex is included because they're both just too different to compare.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

4) Do you feel that during sex you are allowed to express things you wouldn't normally express to your partner outside of sex? If yes, why do you think that is? What are those things and why can't you express them normally?

Yeah if I had a partner right now (and with my online sexual ex from AVEN) we could obviously express things through sex that we couldn't express through things that weren't sex. Mainly extreme fetish etc involving cum and anal and sexual torture and stuff. I mean.. you can't express those kinds of things in any way other than through a type of sex (even if it's not PiV or whatever). You can't physically express them without a sexual element. I can only desire to express these things with someone I am emotionally attracted to.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

5) I have seen sexuals suggest that when their asexual partner doesn't want to have sex a 3rd party could be involved to satisfy that need. However, if for a sexual sex is essential to have their emotional needs met, won't that cause them to develop feelings for the 3rd party? If not, doesn't that make their sexual needs a purely physical thing, or at least a self-serving thing?

Depends on the partner. I've known heaps of sexual people here who could NEVER go to a third party for sex because the person they desire sexually IS their partner, even if their partner can't have sex with them. I'd rather leave a partner and find a new one (however long that took) than remain in a relationship with the person I desire but force myself to fuck someone else.. that just wouldn't physically work anyway. I can ONLY want to fuck the person I love. For some sex is still an emotional need, but they can get that met elsewhere (like a prostitute) while still loving their primary partner. I could never do that though.. im not emotionally capable of that.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

6) Why isn't sex just a physical act that is only meaningful because you already feel close to the person before you do it, but something that gives you that closeness after you do it? In other words, why is it meaningful in itself? Don't you feel like that's replacing real connection with hormones?

It's enhancing a real connection because you can do things with the person connected to that you'd NEVER do with anyone else. I am not even capable of wanting those things with someone I'm not emotionally connected to. It's meaningful because you become as utterly vulnerable as it's possible to be with each other and go to levels of depravity that would be illegal if you did it with someone who didn't want it as much as you do. It's a unique kind of connection you can't have with other people. (just talking people who only desire sex with an emotional connection here. I am not sure how it feels for people who desire casual sex). I have found that truly meaningful sex is a lot more mental and emotional than physical. It creates this incredible mental bond like you are inside each others brains, even if you're doing it from opposite sides of the world. It's so much more about the mind than the body, in my experience anyway.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

7) From what I understand, much of the appeal of sex for sexuals is to be sexually desired. By this, I understand being physically desired  and/or desired because you fulfil the other person's emotional needs, not for who you are. What are your thoughts on this?

For me the appeal is MUTUAL desire for shared pleasure and exploration. It's a gift you give to each other, not something you are taking for yourself or they are taking for themselves. You're giving yourselves to each other to use and abuse and taste and turn inside out.

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

8.) Do you feel that being sexually desired by your partner is a way of ensuring they are emotionally committed to you (because they are supposed to desire you exclusively)? If so, why can't you just know them well enough to know that? Doesn't sexual desire become a replacement for a real connection in that case?

I am only able to desire the person I love, and I ensure that I seek out partners who have the same innate monogamous desires. For me, the desire is a desire for mutual exploration of each others bodies and mutual exploration of fetish, which builds its own unique kind of bond. You need extreme trust with a person before you can begin to try the kinds of things I desire and enjoy, it would be hard to establish that kind of bond with multiple people due to the nature of the acts. So yeah.. again, it's not a replacement for connection. It's a way to enhance it in the way one can't achieve with others one is not in a sexual relationship with. It's also it's own special kind of connection which is separate from the connection of friendship and mutual love I also have with a partner I desire to have sex with.

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

9) Do you feel sex/ the other persons sexual attraction for you hinders/replaces their appreciation of who you are as a person? Does your asexual partner (if you have any) think so about you?

No it's separate from our appreciation of each other as individuals, but can also help enhance that appreciation as you learn more about each other and explore more facets of each others personalities and minds through sex/fetish.

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

10) Do you feel that sexual market value influences your needs? In other words, since your partners attractiveness and their attraction to you influences how you are perceived by other people (ie how sexually attractive and/or successful you are considered by others) that can affect your self-esteem. Do you think that affects your relationship, if your asexual partner doesn't desire you?

It's not about attractiveness to me, but internal traits that others may not even be able to see. When I was in a relationship with an asexual it didn't bother me that he didn't want actual sex because 1) I didn't want it at the time either and 2) we enjoyed our connection in other ways like sexless BDSM (not the type of fetish I was talking about earlier in this response, but fully clothed beatings etc that did not involve arousal or genital release). We were attracted to internal aspects of each other though, same with anyone I fall for. It's a mutual appreciation of and love for INTERNAL qualities, and has nothing to do with external appearance or anything. I couldn't care less how people see me physically.

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

11) I think one of the main things that sexuals like about being sexually desired is the emotional exclusivity of it. However, sexual desire can exist for many different people at the same time, and romantic feelings are not necessarily present when sexual desire is, nor are they necessarily not present when it isn't. If this is so, then why do many sexuals feel like their partners don't love them if they don't desire them sexually, since sexual desire does not necessarily imply love, nor is it even necessarily exclusive?

For me, 'love' (a certain kind of emotional connection) and desire for sexual intimacy ONLY happen with each other..I literally cannot desire sex with someone unless I have that unique kind of bond. When I met my online AVEN ex, we made a point of explaining to each other long before we got into a relationship that we were only able to experience sexual desire with love, and only able to love one person at a time. Some people can desire sex with multiple people at once but I am not one of them and only seek relationships with others who feel the same as I do.. that's why communication is so important BEFORE you get into a relationship with someone. You need to make sure you're compatible!

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

If sex is essential to you in a relationship, then why stay in a sexless relationship?

Sex would never be essential enough to me that I would leave someone who didn't want it just because they didn't want. But I can see why others would want to stay if they love their partner deeply even if they feel they're missing a vital aspect of intimacy in their relationship. Love is a very powerful emotion.

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

Do they stay because they think there's a possibility of making the other person desire them, thus essentially changing their sexual identity?

If that was the case they wouldn't actually believe their partner is asexual.. they'd believe their partner is a sexual person who just hasn't learned to desire sex yet. They wouldn't think they were CHANGING their partners identity, but awakening something that is currently dormant. Many people today still sadly cannot accept the existence of asexuality.

 

9 hours ago, mreid said:

13) If a sexual and an asexual come to an agreement where the asexual gives the sexual partner sex to keep them happy but there's no sexual desire then, following the logic of the previous question, what is even the point of such an agreement, since what sexuals want is to be desired? Is it the satisfaction of knowing your asexual partner is willing do to that sacrifice for you, despite not loving you (the way sexuals perceive love as involving sexual desire)?

Before I learned about asexuality, back when I had absolutely no desire for anything remotely sexual, I was with a sexual person who I gave sex to twice a day, ever day, even though I didn't want sex. He didn't care that I didn't desire the sex because all that mattered to him was using me sexually. He had sex with many women (literally anyone he could get his hands on) and didn't care about mutual desire. Hardly anyone is like that though. I personally could never enjoy (or even want) sex with someone who didn't want it and only gave it to placate me. just.. no.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
4 hours ago, uhtred said:

Take your favorite emotional (romance, action whatever, but not talking heads) movie, turn on subtitles and turn off the sound.  At least to me (as a music lover) without the sound track it just seems sort of... empty, thin...... its hard to describe. 

Totally off topic, but if you watch English language programs with the sound up and subtitles on it's an entirely new viewing experience!! I now can't watch anything without subtitles because you just miss sooooooo much without even knowing it when you don't have the script visually playing out in time with the actor's words.. Subtitles combined with the original audio track are the way of the future 😛

 

But yeah, sorry, that had nothing to do with what you were actually saying. I just never get a chance to rant about my love of subtitles!

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Serran
1 hour ago, FictoVore. said:

Totally off topic, but if you watch English language programs with the sound up and subtitles on it's an entirely new viewing experience!! I now can't watch anything without subtitles because you just miss sooooooo much without even knowing it when you don't have the script visually playing out in time with the actor's words.. Subtitles combined with the original audio track are the way of the future 😛

 

But yeah, sorry, that had nothing to do with what you were actually saying. I just never get a chance to rant about my love of subtitles!

I hate that 😛 The subtitles are often different than the words they say and it gets distracting 

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ryn2
14 minutes ago, Serran said:

I hate that 😛 The subtitles are often different than the words they say and it gets distracting 

I also miss some of what there is to see if I am busy reading.

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Hecate
12 hours ago, mreid said:

1) What emotional need/s does sex fulfil for you that everything else in a relationship doesn't?

So while I'm demisexual, I'm still fundamentally a sexual, albeit just with specific requirements to experience sexual attraction. With that in mind if I have that emotional attachment and connection then sex is a physical and deeply intimate way of expressing that. It's a way of expressing that in a way words cannot. 

 

12 hours ago, mreid said:

2) Why do you feel like sex is important to be close to someone emotionally?

 

It's the opposite way for me; I must be close to somebody emotionally to even begin thinking about sex. It's that way for many sexual people. 😐

 

12 hours ago, mreid said:

4) Do you feel that during sex you are allowed to express things you wouldn't normally express to your partner outside of sex? If yes, why do you think that is? What are those things and why can't you express them normally?

 

6) Why isn't sex just a physical act that is only meaningful because you already feel close to the person before you do it, but something that gives you that closeness after you do it? In other words, why is it meaningful in itself? Don't you feel like that's replacing real connection with hormones?

 

Ok 3 I don't have time to answer. This however, yes! There are some things that are easiest expressed by actions in sex and beyond it. Actions speak louder than words and if I am seriously into somebody then I want to be as close to that person as possible, I want to share myself with them on every possible level. It's hard to describe. As for 6, a lot of my answer to 4 applies here. Sex adds to and enhances the connection there. Of course there is a biological component in there for pair bonding etc but it sounds like you are assuming sexual people don't have any emotional investment or connection before having sex and it only comes after. Well plenty of people do have that bond before sex. Plenty of people don't as well and it's not for anybody to judge them on the reasons on why they choose to have sex. Neither is right or wrong. 

 

12 hours ago, mreid said:

7) From what I understand, much of the appeal of sex for sexuals is to be sexually desired. By this, I understand being physically desired  and/or desired because you fulfil the other person's emotional needs, not for who you are. What are your thoughts on this?

 

8.) Do you feel that being sexually desired by your partner is a way of ensuring they are emotionally committed to you (because they are supposed to desire you exclusively)? If so, why can't you just know them well enough to know that? Doesn't sexual desire become a replacement for a real connection in that case?

 

9) Do you feel sex/ the other persons sexual attraction for you hinders/replaces their appreciation of who you are as a person? 

No, no, no. It is nuce to be desired but that's ignoring every other component to a happy relationship. Sex is not the only way to meet their emotional needs. There are so many other ways such as caring for them, listening and supporting them, acts of service, non-sexual contact, sharing your life etc. Sex doesn't replace any of that but is another module to the whole package. You can experience all of that without sex. As for 9, really? No. How can it hinder them? It only presents a problem if they value me as a meat puppet, in which case I would have figured that out and not even be in a sexual relationship with them. 

 

Sex can be important to sexuals but it is one in myriad of other pieces in a puzzle. For me I much rather be in a relationship with somebody who is sexual as I enjoy it on many levels. But it is not the definer of that relationship because if all you have is one thing that makes that relationship work then you are not on to a winner. It may be tempting to think that sex is all sexual people care about or that it is the end "goal" but it is not. Dating culture seems to present that it is and being cynical it is hard to not feel that way, but I know for a fact that there are millions of people who just want to meet their companion in life, whatever life means and includes for them. The human experience is as unique as we are. 

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uhtred
15 hours ago, mreid said:

10) Do you feel that sexual market value influences your needs? In other words, since your partners attractiveness and their attraction to you influences how you are perceived by other people (ie how sexually attractive and/or successful you are considered by others) that can affect your self-esteem. Do you think that affects your relationship, if your asexual partner doesn't desire you?

 

11) I think one of the main things that sexuals like about being sexually desired is the emotional exclusivity of it. However, sexual desire can exist for many different people at the same time, and romantic feelings are not necessarily present when sexual desire is, nor are they necessarily not present when it isn't. If this is so, then why do many sexuals feel like their partners don't love them if they don't desire them sexually, since sexual desire does not necessarily imply love, nor is it even necessarily exclusive?

 

12) If sex is essential to you in a relationship, then why stay in a sexless relationship? Since many sexuals seem to equate being sexually desired with being loved and their partners don't seem to desire them sexually, then a sexual person will probably perceive that as lack of love from the other person. Do they stay because they think there's a possibility of making the other person desire them, thus essentially changing their sexual identity? If so, does that mean they don't take asexuality as a genuine orientation seriously, as geniune orientations are not supposed to be able to be changed like that? Or if they do but the idea is to come to some sort of agreement, then doesn't that mean sexuals and asexuals are incompatible, as the sexual desire is always going to be one sided? In which case, what's the point of continuing in such a relationship anyway?

SNIP

For these:

10: I don't care what other people think about my sex life - in fact other people (except here) have no idea that I'm in a near-sexless marriage.

 

11.There are a lot of different types of sexual desire.  For me it is possible to have desire without love, but not real love without desire

 

12.   There are lots of different parts to a relationship. Sex is important, but not the only important thing.

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Moon Spirit ☽
2 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

"Question for sexuals: Are you sure you're not just dumb and unable to form real connections so you need sex to fake it?" 

I don't think that's what she was asking at all. I think it's more like, "Are you sure you're not just obsessed with sex but still want to feel like you're a good, moral person so you try to make it about human connection?"

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Telecaster68

Why would it be immoral to be obsessed by sex anyway?

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Lara Black
2 hours ago, mreid said:

I will reply to the longer posts when I get home.

 

I personally believe that there is always an explanation for the ways people feel about things. To me nothing just "is".

I get that kind of answer from sexuals a lot. Reminds me of religious people when you ask them why they believe in God even if their belief makes no rational sense.

 

Why is it condescending? They seem like honest questions to me and were phrased in a polite way, I think.

Are you sure you're not Sheldon Cooper?)

Let's say you find a logical explanation for our behaviour. Then what? What would that change?

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InquisitivePhilosopher

For me, the responses from all the demisexual/graysexual/sexual people, etc. were enlightening; thanks, everyone.

 

I'm kind of wishing I'd come across these explanations about what sexual attraction felt like when I was younger and still waiting several years, thinking that perhaps I was still just a "late bloomer" who "hadn't met the right person, yet." 

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Moon Spirit ☽

@InquisitivePhilosopher How were their answers enlightening? Those were all the typical, vague answers they always give.

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Alejandrogynous
4 hours ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

I don't think that's what she was asking at all. I think it's more like, "Are you sure you're not just obsessed with sex but still want to feel like you're a good, moral person so you try to make it about human connection?"

Wait, were you not also pointing out the ignorance and condescension in the OP's questions here? Because that's how I took this, lol. If you're seriously about that being a valid question, I definitely don't agree. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
58 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@InquisitivePhilosopher How were their answers enlightening? Those were all the typical, vague answers they always give.

 

11 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

Man. If I am wrong, how come everyone is getting so shaken up?

Correct me if I'm wrong @InquisitivePhilosopher, but I'm pretty sure Philosopher was  referring to the extensive time and effort some people put into actually thoroughly answering mreid's questions. It took me nearly an hour to answer them all and @Serran and @Hecate clearly put a lot of effort in too.. kind of harsh to imply our answers were typical and vague. 

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uhtred
59 minutes ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@InquisitivePhilosopher How were their answers enlightening? Those were all the typical, vague answers they always give.

Answers about sex seem vague for two reasons.  One is that there are many people with many *different* feelings.  Its like asking how "women" feel about family leave plans at work.  I'm sure different women have different opinions about what are appropriate rules.   Similarly different sexual people will have different opinions about sex - so there is never going to be some global consistency.  You have to look  at what each *individual* has said separately. 

 

Second there is the problem of describing sexual desire to someone who does not feel it.  Its like describing music to the deaf, or visual art to the blind.  (not equating asexuality with a disability here, but stretching for equivalents).  You are asking someone to describe a feeling that you don't experience. Maybe asking someone who has never been a parent what it is like when they see their young child laughing and happy. 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

It's just really bloody patronising is all. Another thread created by an arrogant armchair psychologist kid looking for circle jerk-style validation of their elitist bullshit theories simply because they themselves don't experience something the other 99% of the population does and boohoo that sucks, so might as well make a topic that's dripping with condescension and masquerading as an attempt to learn.

 

To be fair, I'm also hoping to accrue a bunch of warnings for being an ass, so that's a factor. Don't take it personally.

I like taking the opportunity to answer to show others who may be reading that there's a lot more to being sexual than some aces assume. I think @InquisitivePhilosopher's response shows that those who took the time to answer properly were at least of some benefit to others who may not fully understand what it feels like to be sexual. I can totally understand why you didn't want to answer the questions though. You know me, I just like to type a lot :)

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
9 hours ago, Serran said:

I hate that 😛 The subtitles are often different than the words they say and it gets distracting 

I worked out how to find perfectly synced and perfectly scripted subtitles and load them with the movie I'm watching so I never have any issues with there being different words ^_^

 

9 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I also miss some of what there is to see if I am busy reading.

If you have to 'read' them then you're not doing it properly!! They're meant to sink into your brain without you actually reading the words.

 

Turns out Mad Max Fury Road has one of the best, most talented scripts I've heard in ages but almost no one would know that because it's almost impossible to hear a lot of what's said. Praise Jesus for subtitles ❤️

 

Okay, off topic rant over now.  I'm officially a subtitle elitist and will defend them to the end of time!! 

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Hecate
1 hour ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@InquisitivePhilosopher How were their answers enlightening? Those were all the typical, vague answers they always give.

Really? If it comes to anything emotional I have to think in what way to phrase what is an abstract concept that goes on in my head. In terms of the part sex can play in a relationship, you'll probably get more considered answers here than any old person off the street because this is something anybody in the asexual umbrella has had to ask themselves and plenty of sexual people have had to ask if their sexuality has been something they have been forced to think about. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

@mreid @Moon Spirit ☽ You'll get "it just is" answers because that's all that really matters. Why do I love cars and trains so darn much? I have no idea, and you're not going to get a "logical" answer to that either. I'm not sure there is one. With such emotional and personal things you just have to accept they mean a lot to someone even if you don't understand why (I'm autistic, I'm very logic-minded, but I manage).

 

I would like to thank people for the answers they have given so far; it's always good to be reminded so I don't slip back to my hella-ace "sex doesn't really matter" ways.

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ryn2
36 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

If you have to 'read' them then you're not doing it properly!! They're meant to sink into your brain without you actually reading the words.

They interfere with looking around the screen (for me), but more power to you if you love them!

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Serran
10 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

They interfere with looking around the screen (for me), but more power to you if you love them!

Same, my eyes focus on the words and then I miss all the rest. :P

 

And yeah.. you aren't really going to have a logical reasoning behind a lot of emotional responses. Why do I love ice cream, despite the fact it's unhealthy and makes me ill every time I eat it? I don't know. I just do. It's not even that tasty, honestly... but it makes me feel better if I'm in a mood. 

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ryn2
42 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I would like to thank people for the answers they have given so far[....]

Same!  I’m trying to sort out some really complicated (to me) things about my sexuality and I find other people’s thoughts on the topic very helpful.

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Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Serran said:

Why do I love ice cream, despite the fact it's unhealthy and makes me ill every time I eat it? I don't know. I just do. It's not even that tasty, honestly... but it makes me feel better if I'm in a mood. 

Endorphins innit.

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ryn2

Dopamine, but yeah...

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Serran
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Endorphins innit.

But why does an actually negative experience release it? Why only for some people not others? Why does it fulfill a specific craving and other foods don't?

I mean, why do sexuals like sex? Cause it feels good, cause hormones released in the brain cause bonding to happen and all other goodies. But... why does that work for some and not others? Why the varying feelings on it? Why can't you get it from other things?

 

If the OP wants a perfectly logical answer why sex is important to sexuals, it's going to be hard to come by. It just is important to a lot of people. 

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CBC
10 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Dopamine, but yeah...

My first and truest love, lol. Been chasing it in oftentimes inadvisable ways since I was a wee kiddo.

 

But really. Yes, that's it. Once you understand a bit of the science behind the ways our brains work, it's a lot easier to accept things about others that you don't understand on a gut level yourself and not be a twat about it.

 

I realise the slight irony in that last sentence, yep.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Serran said:

Why only for some people not others? Why does it fulfill a specific craving and other foods don't?

Some of it is habituation, some of it’s brain chemistry, and a lot of it’s still “no one’s quite sure.”

 

One clear answer for everyone would answer ever would-be-diet-guru’s prayers... along with the chemical dependency treatment folks, psychiatrists and neuropsych practioners in general, and so many unhappy people.

 

Like you said, not so simple.

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