I thought I was okay with it.

[RobPal]

So it's been about 6 years since I found about asexuality and that it explained exactly what I felt, or actually what I didn't feel. The next year was spent trying to figure out if I was also aromatic which I decided that I was as I only felt platonic love for others.

 

The following years was mostly spent being very comfortable with not having the pressure to be concerned with relationships and I was happy to carry on with my life in that way.

 

However, with my 40th birthday next year I've started to feel uneasy with the situation I'm in. I'm definitely not interested in having any kind of sexual relationship, and I'm also fairly sure a romantic partner is not for me, but my emotions are still struggling with the fact that I will always be on my own.

 

I grew up with the assumption that I was do the traditional thing and get married and have kids, so not having this option available is something that keeps popping into my head on a fairly regular basis, either on its own or triggered through an unrelated comment from someone else.

 

I would love to know what it feels like to be in love and raise a family with that person, but I'll never feel that way and it's very upsetting that I'll never experience what seems to be an incredible thing. Even taking into account the not so good side of it that I've witnessed in many family and friends who are living in that situation, the love they share still seems to be a powerful feeling that I seem to be grieving for on a more frequent level.

 

Unless I'm willing to compromise my asexuality and aromanticism, there doesn't seem to be any way to solve this, so even crying about it to someone won't change the way things are destined to be.

 

Are there any other older asexuals and aromantics out there who feel similar?

[Snao Cone]

Sometimes I wish I could feel strongly enough towards other people to have a +1, in a queerplatonic sense. I have many strong friendships but at this point they're all at a distance, and that's not what I have in mind. But even if I did have someone here, I never feel entirely comfortable with including anyone in all areas of my life. 

 

Right now I'm going through some life changes that I have a lot of ambivalent thoughts about but no one person with whom to talk through it with all the details covered. A partner would be useful here (and for that matter so would a therapist), but if I don't want one the rest of the time, it seems unfair to that theoretical person. 

 

I can't drown my sorrows in casual sex either, which is probably better for my health, but part of me does wish I could indulge in that vice in a cathartic way. I guess I could still try, but I know I'd end up lying there and feeling no different because it provides no release for me. What other people say about it just work for me, so it's not worth trying. 

[RobPal]

It's a very tricky position to be in as you feel trapped with no way out.

 

I don't know what the next step to take should be. It's a very open-ended situation.

[Duke Memphis]

I'm not an older ace, and I'm not aro, but I have something to point out: Everything, no matter what it is, has its upsides and downsides. Being in love and trusting people can hurt just as much as they can liberate. There are so many people out there who feel emotion more strongly than they want to and wish that they had an inability to be let down by their emotions. So many stories are written about this type of predicament and revelation. There will always be people who wish to swap lives or traits, but they find out that one's ultimately no better or worse than the other.

 

All that may be a universal truth, but that still doesn't keep us from wishing how things would be from a different angle or position in life.

[NickyTannock]

I've never desired a relationship, but I often feel isolated and lonely.

[Techie]

I'm 56 and I do understand. Never had sex. Never dated. Never been in any kind of relationship. Unfortunately I cherish time alone yet I also feel lonely at times. I have never quite resolved that quandary. Part of the problem is ADHD which I was diagnosed with when I was eight. Family trait as I have a young nephew diagnosed and my father was also suspected to be ADHD. With ADHD my brain makes so much noise on its own that being with another person just adds to the din. I do socialize with people and attend parties but those are short term events. Being with someone day in and day out will eventually wear me down. So I do understand the loneliness issue and definitely sympathize. In my case I just never figured out how to work it out. Plus asexuality doesn't help either. 

[Jvillegal78]

I also would like to know what it feels like to be in love. I definitely desire a relationship, just not sexual. This causes me unnecessary anxiety as I am terrified what will happen if I do end up in a relationship. 

[Smange]

When I came out I was very relieved! It’s been two years now and the isolating  reality is starting to set in. As much as compulsory heterosexuality and romance was draining and very emotionally painful for me, I enjoyed fitting in. We are a social species, so being ace and aro makes me feel like an alien. Some days I just want to go home, ya know?

 

[Kia Hiraeth]

I found out about asexuality when I was around 40 and though I felt happy to finally have an understanding of why I am the way I am, I also realized it probably means I will never have a life partner and kids like I always wanted. I'm 47 now and I have had romantic relationships but have never found another person who was willing to stay in the relationship with me when they found out about my disinterest in sex and now that I know that I'm asexual and can better explain what that means to a potential partner, no one wants to even try. There are days when this all gets me down and I wish I could just be a “normal” person so I would at least have a greater chance of finding a potential life partner.

[AndrewT]

@RobPal So this year has been a roller-coaster for me, I'm fast approaching 40 to.

 

I accepted my asexuality late last year, but my romantic orientation was/is up in the air.

I have 2 people in my life now both Ace, one is a good friend, one after a few months of getting to know each other we are a lot closer and i guess the closest thing here is a QPR it is long distance but we are not rushing anything.
I don't think I'll be alone forever now.

 

I think I've been exceptionally lucky with the people I've met this year and it gives me hope for the future

[mindlife]

I have been in a relationship for almost a decade with a very understanding person. Asexuality can be isolating, it does not have to be so. 

[Sally]

I'm old and have had two major relationships -- still in one of them.  I've always felt extremely uncomfortable feeling like I have to *be* something for someone, and yet I don't want to be alone.  When you're very young you sometimes think that you could find someone with whom you'd have totally unconditional love.  I haven't seen that that's ever possible;  everyone expects something of you that you may not be able to give.  When I'm with someone I want to be alone; when I'm alone I wish I had someone with me.  I don't  live with my current partner, and I do think that's best for me.  

[BuckeyeChick]

I agree with what Duke said... everything has its advantages and disadvantages.

Also marriage and kids is not a panacea against loneliness and unhappiness.  I have known many lonely people who were married.  Some were happily married and yet they still felt alone.

Also, I was reading an article about positive psychology which is the study of happiness.  Happiness is partly genetic.  We all have a genetic set point of happiness sort of like a thermostat.  Things like marriage or winning the lottery will temporarily raise our happiness... but within several years, we return to our genetic set point.

So with all that being said, if the OP is feeling sad and isolated... I think this is not necessarily an ace thing... rather it's unfortunately a pretty common human condition. 

I think as a society we need to find additional ways (beyond the "nuclear family") to foster connections and community with other people.  There are far too many lonely people in the world and it is not a good thing. 

[Ortac]

On 9/30/2018 at 5:14 PM, RobPal said:

Are there any other older asexuals and aromantics out there who feel similar?

It's uncanny - every single word of what you have written could have been me talking about myself. It describes my situation, my feelings and thoughts perfectly. 

 

It is nice to know that I am not alone in that, and to be able to tell you that you are not alone. 

[kiaroskuro]

On 10/20/2018 at 6:34 PM, BuckeyeChick said:

Also marriage and kids is not a panacea against loneliness and unhappiness.  I have known many lonely people who were married.  Some were happily married and yet they still felt alone.

^ This is quite encouraging.

 

On 10/20/2018 at 6:34 PM, BuckeyeChick said:

Also, I was reading an article about positive psychology which is the study of happiness.  Happiness is partly genetic.  We all have a genetic set point of happiness sort of like a thermostat.  Things like marriage or winning the lottery will temporarily raise our happiness... but within several years, we return to our genetic set point.

^ This is kind of depressing...

[BuckeyeChick]

22 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said:

^ This is kind of depressing...

@kiaroskuro

It depends on how you look it.  Happiness is NOT a destination... it's a lifelong journey.  🙂

You have to work at happiness every day.  🙂

Some ways to boost happiness are:

• Exercise
• Hobbies that you absolutely love doing and make you lose track of time (also known in the world of psychology as "flow producing activities")
• Social connection -- good friendships are definite happiness boosters! 🙂
• Practicing gratitude -- Try to think of things you are grateful for. Also, always focus on what you CAN do, rather than what you CAN'T do.

[kiaroskuro]

Thank you for the reminder, @BuckeyeChick, I really appreciate it

 

I have read tons of articles on how to boost one's happiness, on neurotransmitters, hormones and what not. I know that you have to work at happiness, it's nothing that happens 'magically' unless you change your attitude towards life, or your lifestyle, or other things about yourself.

Still, I can't shake off the feeling that happiness isn't supposed to be hard work. And because depression runs in my family (both sides), I'm not overly optimistic that I will ever get rid of it.

 

On 9/30/2018 at 6:14 PM, RobPal said:

Are there any other older asexuals and aromantics out there who feel similar?

In short: Yes, I do.

[BuckeyeChick]

2 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

Thank you for the reminder, @BuckeyeChick, I really appreciate it

 

I have read tons of articles on how to boost one's happiness, on neurotransmitters, hormones and what not. I know that you have to work at happiness, it's nothing that happens 'magically' unless you change your attitude towards life, or your lifestyle, or other things about yourself.

Still, I can't shake off the feeling that happiness isn't supposed to be hard work.

@kiaroskuro

Hi Kiaroskuro...

Happiness should never be hard work.  If it is hard work, you are approaching it all wrong.  You need to find things in your life that you enjoy!!  If you are doing things you find fun, then happiness should not be a grueling endeavor.

BTW...as a big time introvert, it's pretty easy for me to find flow activities and I'm also a big time exerciser too.  In fact one of my exercise routines (longboard skateboarding) is a great flow activity.  I love it a lot.

Anyway... If depression is something that concerns you, I would suggest reading the book "The Depression Cure" by Stephen Iliardi.  He's a researcher who believes that depression is a product of modern society and while his strategies may not work for everyone, they can certainly help boost your emotional resilience and your ability to handle life's stormy weather.  Exercise especially has been proven in various studies to be as equally effective as antidepressant medication.  Here's his Ted Talk:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drv3BP0Fdi8

Also...Life is most definitely like the weather... in every life some rain must fall.  As long as you have faith that the rain clouds in your life will disappear at some point and the sun will come out again... you will be OK. 🙂

Finally, I remember what a motivational author said one time : "Unless the obstacle is something that can kill you... then whatever you are facing is nothing but a speed bump. You can either find a way around or over it or find a way to accept it and move forward." 🙂


 

[RobPal]

Thanks for all the responses. I've always been a very optimistic and happy person and it can be quite easy for me to overcome times of sadness. However this isn't really the problem I'm finding myself in.

 

The emotions bubbling up more regularly is about never becoming a father. I would love to be a dad and think I'd be pretty good at it, however I would only like to raise a child in a traditional environment with the mother, which is where things hit a brick wall.

 

I'm struggling to find a different and acceptable alternative situation that I could focus on. Family is such an important thing for me, so to not have one of my own is leaving a large hole in my heart these days. As I said, I can work myself out of this negative state fairly quickly, however in the long term I don't think it will always be that easy.

 

Any suggestions for an alternative compromise would be very much appreciated.

[Ortac]

27 minutes ago, RobPal said:

Any suggestions for an alternative compromise would be very much appreciated.

Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a brilliant relationship with mine and I love spending lots of time with them. I know that it is not the same as having children of your own, but it does fill a huge gap and gives me a lot of pleasure. 

 

If you don't have any nieces or nephews, do you have any friends with children for whom you could form some sort of formal role, something like a godparent?

[BuckeyeChick]

You could volunteer and work with kids, or become a mentor in some way... or belong to the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization.  I am not sure if that organization is in your country though.

https://www.bbbs.org/

Aside from that though, if the feelings of not having children are bothering you a lot, you may want to talk with a therapist and learn some coping strategies. 

After all, life doesn't always give us what we want and we have to find ways to deal with our disappointment and not have that disappointment hinder our ability to enjoy the blessings we already have.

However with that being said,  I suspect your sadness is not just over not having kids... you are also turning 40. Hitting middle age often makes people evaluate their life's direction, however these moments of self evaluation and even criticism will pass with time... just hang in there!

[kiaroskuro]

I was going to suggest the same thing: working with kids has always brought me much joy.

To be sure, it doesn't fill the void. But it's healthier to be honest with oneself - e.g., admitting that founding a traditional family is out of the question - than to yearn for something that wouldn't work out for one reason or another. 

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

I have never desired a relationship, and I have never wanted to have children. I am pretty happy living on my own.

I have been in one relationship (lasted for a year), and for various reasons that was the biggest mistake I ever made.

 

However, I do sometimes wish I was just "normal".

[Snao Cone]

There are some cases of platonic co-parenting. If you have a friend or can find someone with whom your situation is compatible (wants kids but not relationship) then you might be able to pull that off. It's not a common option, though. The options given above are more readily available, even if they don't meet your ideal family arrangement.

[RobPal]

On 10/26/2018 at 5:58 AM, Ortac said:

Do you have any nieces or nephews? I have a brilliant relationship with mine and I love spending lots of time with them. I know that it is not the same as having children of your own, but it does fill a huge gap and gives me a lot of pleasure. 

 

If you don't have any nieces or nephews, do you have any friends with children for whom you could form some sort of formal role, something like a godparent?

I have a niece but not able to see her often as they live far away. I have had friends with children for many years and in some ways it's been nice to support them but it also generates the emotions of missing out when I see how close they all are together.

 

I worked for many years in education mentoring young adults, which was very fulfilling but also stirred up the realisation that I'm getting older and can't always have a friendly relationship with these students as it's weird and not really good for my own mental health to use them as a substitute for what I really want. It's this reason why I felt I had to move on from that kind of work.

 

I know I must sound like I'm just saying negative things about everyone's suggestions, but I've already given this a tonne of independent thought and self reflection, so I'm really just trying to find out if there is something that I've missed.

 

A platonic partner could be a solution, however it would be extremely difficult to find someone that I can be comfortable with after spending so many decades on my own. Also, if I were lucky enough to find a woman of a similar age, their biological ability to have a child is much less likely in late 30s, early 40s. So potentially adoption or surrogacy could resolve that problem, although it's still getting less probable in finding someone who would be happy with that.

 

I guess I'm just going to have to keep my fingers crossed that this will all magically work itself out somehow. Until then I'll have to cope with my emotions as I do.

[lilgroundhog]

I'm still I my early thirties and figured out I was ace about a year and a half ago.  There are days I'm totally cool being ace and others I feel like the world is telling I have to conform to what they think I should be.  In some ways I want a QPR, in others I'm glad I don't have one.  I guess I'm saying I understand the struggle.