BeatrixOnline

Newly married and 'out of the closet'

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BeatrixOnline

NOTE: I originally posted this in the Asexual Relationships forum, as I didn't know this forum existed.  I was pointed in this direction, so I am reposting :)

 

Hello!  

 

I've been trying to find websites or articles that I can relate to, but haven't quite found it.  Most of the things I've found are for partners of aces/graces, but nothing for the ace/grace who is in a relationship with a sexual.  

 

I'm a 31 year old grey-ace woman who just got married to her sexual male partner of 8 years.  I've always felt like my libido was 'broken' and felt weird about not having sexual fantasies or desires.  While on our honeymoon, my partner and I got into a disagreement when I realized that I'm a 'Grace.'  Great timing, right?  I am now trying to navigate our marriage with my new identity. 

 

I enjoy sex when we have it, but never initiate or get aroused without some kind of stimulation.  I've told him that making him happy makes me happy, and I've never done anything that I was uncomfortable with.  I want to WANT to have more sex with him, but it does not hold the same importance for me.  But it is important to him, and I want to acknowledge his desires and needs.  He is open to working with me, and finding compromises, but this is very new information for both of us.  

 

Is anyone else in a long term relationship with a sexual person?  How do you make it work so your partners needs are met?

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Next-Level Consciousness

@BeatrixOnline Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰!

 

I have never been in nor desired a relationship, so I can't give any advice. However, it seems as if you two are doing quite well in this situation.

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uhtred
3 hours ago, BeatrixOnline said:

NOTE: I originally posted this in the Asexual Relationships forum, as I didn't know this forum existed.  I was pointed in this direction, so I am reposting :)

 

Hello!  

 

I've been trying to find websites or articles that I can relate to, but haven't quite found it.  Most of the things I've found are for partners of aces/graces, but nothing for the ace/grace who is in a relationship with a sexual.  

 

I'm a 31 year old grey-ace woman who just got married to her sexual male partner of 8 years.  I've always felt like my libido was 'broken' and felt weird about not having sexual fantasies or desires.  While on our honeymoon, my partner and I got into a disagreement when I realized that I'm a 'Grace.'  Great timing, right?  I am now trying to navigate our marriage with my new identity. 

 

I enjoy sex when we have it, but never initiate or get aroused without some kind of stimulation.  I've told him that making him happy makes me happy, and I've never done anything that I was uncomfortable with.  I want to WANT to have more sex with him, but it does not hold the same importance for me.  But it is important to him, and I want to acknowledge his desires and needs.  He is open to working with me, and finding compromises, but this is very new information for both of us.  

 

Is anyone else in a long term relationship with a sexual person?  How do you make it work so your partners needs are met?

Sexual here. You have to accept that it is likely that sex is very important to *him* even if it isn't to you.   Do you wan't to spend your life having frequency sex with him because you love him and it makes him happy? If you only indicated to him that you had limited sexual desire after you were married, then I think it is in your court to figure out whether you can have the sort of sex life he has come to expect. 

 

If you did give him an indication before, then the situation is much more balanced.  Simply not having much sex before marriage is not a fair indication - many people believe in no or limited sex before marriage, but if nothing has been stated, the assumption is that there will be frequent sex after marriage. 

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BeatrixOnline
30 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Sexual here. You have to accept that it is likely that sex is very important to *him* even if it isn't to you.   Do you wan't to spend your life having frequency sex with him because you love him and it makes him happy? If you only indicated to him that you had limited sexual desire after you were married, then I think it is in your court to figure out whether you can have the sort of sex life he has come to expect. 

 

If you did give him an indication before, then the situation is much more balanced.  Simply not having much sex before marriage is not a fair indication - many people believe in no or limited sex before marriage, but if nothing has been stated, the assumption is that there will be frequent sex after marriage. 

My lack of initiating intimacy had always been a struggle for us, and it wasn't until recently that I began to entertain the idea that I might be on this spectrum.  He did tell me that once we got married, he thought my intimacy issues would suddenly disappear.  This is when I told him my thought that I might be grey-sexual and we started to research what this meant for us.

 

I do accept that sex is important for him.  I've always known this, but it's something I've struggled with.  It wasn't until I read on this site someone said that they initiate with their sexual SO because they acknowledge that it's important for them, and they know it makes them happy and they want to see their SO happy.  This really clicked for me, and kind of changed my attitude towards initiating.  He is acknowledging that I have a lack of sexual attraction/desire and is compromising by having less sex than he would prefer.  So, this makes me think that I should acknowledge that he DOES have sexual attraction/desire, and should compromise by having more sex than I would prefer.  He knows I won't do anything that I don't want to, and I know he won't force the issue. 

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Gracie Bear

Hi there, I'm also a newlywed that's realizing I may be on the spectrum. My sexual husband and I have been married for a year and 4 months now and the lack of intimacy has become a problem. For awhile before we got married I wasn't interested in having sex. I thought this may have been a libido problem and tried many different things to fix it. In the past year I met some new friends, one of which identifies as Gray/Demisexual. I had never heard those terms before he mentioned them and then I started looking into it. Man does a lot of it sound familiar! Now I've been struggling with how to have a healthy marriage with a sexual when I'm a...questioning Grace?

 

He knows all about my concerns and we've always had amazing communication. He's extremely respectful and doesn't want to make me do anything I'm uncomfortable with, BUT I know he wants to have sex.

 

Currently I think (?) I would fall under sex-repulsed. I like physical intimacy like hand holding, kissing (closed mouth generally), cuddling, hugging, and when he traces patterns on my skin. Whenever it seems to start to lean towards a more sexual route though my whole body freezes up and I get extremely anxious because I don't at all want to go down that road. It goes in swings though, so I'm hoping I may become interested enough to have sex for his sake. Me? I'd be fine never having sex again.

 

He's now asked if I would be open to sex therapy to try and figure out what works for us. I am...but I'm not sure what will really come of it. I don't think he's trying to "fix" me, but at the same time I'm not sure if sex therapy will actually make anything better.

 

I feel completely lost. I'm so new to this Ace world and it's really hard to sort out my feelings. I don't want my husband to think I don't love him because I'm not interested in sex.

 

Help! What's going on with me? I've always just felt...broken.

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BeatrixOnline
1 hour ago, Gracie Bear said:

Hi there, I'm also a newlywed that's realizing I may be on the spectrum. My sexual husband and I have been married for a year and 4 months now and the lack of intimacy has become a problem. For awhile before we got married I wasn't interested in having sex. I thought this may have been a libido problem and tried many different things to fix it. In the past year I met some new friends, one of which identifies as Gray/Demisexual. I had never heard those terms before he mentioned them and then I started looking into it. Man does a lot of it sound familiar! Now I've been struggling with how to have a healthy marriage with a sexual when I'm a...questioning Grace?

 

He knows all about my concerns and we've always had amazing communication. He's extremely respectful and doesn't want to make me do anything I'm uncomfortable with, BUT I know he wants to have sex.

 

Currently I think (?) I would fall under sex-repulsed. I like physical intimacy like hand holding, kissing (closed mouth generally), cuddling, hugging, and when he traces patterns on my skin. Whenever it seems to start to lean towards a more sexual route though my whole body freezes up and I get extremely anxious because I don't at all want to go down that road. It goes in swings though, so I'm hoping I may become interested enough to have sex for his sake. Me? I'd be fine never having sex again.

 

He's now asked if I would be open to sex therapy to try and figure out what works for us. I am...but I'm not sure what will really come of it. I don't think he's trying to "fix" me, but at the same time I'm not sure if sex therapy will actually make anything better.

 

I feel completely lost. I'm so new to this Ace world and it's really hard to sort out my feelings. I don't want my husband to think I don't love him because I'm not interested in sex.

 

Help! What's going on with me? I've always just felt...broken.

I'm new to this community, so forgive me if i get the terms wrong. But from what I've read, it sounds like you might be demisexual. Your interest in sex comes and goes, correct? There's a wiki page on this site that has definitions of the different types of sexuality. I think you'd benefit from taking a look at it

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Gracie Bear

I've read a bit about the different terms for the spectrum, but my interest sometimes in sex seems to be more Gray Asexual than anything else I think. I can relate to Demisexuals as well, though I'm not sure if that's what I identify with most. I mean, I can find beauty in most everyone, but if I have an emotional connection to them they become so much more beautiful in my eyes. My friends did think that sounded Demisexual, but I don't need an emotional connection to be attracted necessarily. 

 

As far as my Gray concerns, I have had sex and can (sometimes under very specific circumstances) enjoy it. My husband is the first time where I ever enjoyed it and...well, "got" something out of it. But again, my interest in sex goes in swings. Sometimes it can be okay and other times it makes me cringe.

 

I'm not sure if I explained that correctly. Again, I'm super new to this world too. I want to learn more about it so that I can understand myself better as well. 

 

Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate it!

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BeatrixOnline
1 hour ago, Gracie Bear said:

I've read a bit about the different terms for the spectrum, but my interest sometimes in sex seems to be more Gray Asexual than anything else I think. I can relate to Demisexuals as well, though I'm not sure if that's what I identify with most. I mean, I can find beauty in most everyone, but if I have an emotional connection to them they become so much more beautiful in my eyes. My friends did think that sounded Demisexual, but I don't need an emotional connection to be attracted necessarily. 

 

As far as my Gray concerns, I have had sex and can (sometimes under very specific circumstances) enjoy it. My husband is the first time where I ever enjoyed it and...well, "got" something out of it. But again, my interest in sex goes in swings. Sometimes it can be okay and other times it makes me cringe.

 

I'm not sure if I explained that correctly. Again, I'm super new to this world too. I want to learn more about it so that I can understand myself better as well. 

 

Thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate it!

You and I are in similar boats. All I know is that once I started reading and learning more I've felt lighter and more confident towards my partner. 

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Gracie Bear
14 minutes ago, BeatrixOnline said:

You and I are in similar boats. All I know is that once I started reading and learning more I've felt lighter and more confident towards my partner. 

It's great to find people I can actually relate to and don't make me feel alone. I'm glad we're both on this journey to understand ourselves fully!

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BeatrixOnline
9 minutes ago, Gracie Bear said:

It's great to find people I can actually relate to and don't make me feel alone. I'm glad we're both on this journey to understand ourselves fully!

Agreed!  I hope you find what you're looking for

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Alisaurus

Grace in a long term relationship with a sexual partner - for me it is about being almost hyperaware of his wants/needs... he wants sexual touching much more than I do but has trouble asking for it so for me it is about always trying to put myself in his shoes / think of what he would like... sometimes I forget! But when he initiates something making sure you are in a comfortable mindset for the actions and if not then letting them know as well.

 

Also..... A LOT of lube. Sometimes there is no need but never being afraid to ask for the lube 😂

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BeatrixOnline
7 hours ago, Alisaurus said:

Grace in a long term relationship with a sexual partner - for me it is about being almost hyperaware of his wants/needs... he wants sexual touching much more than I do but has trouble asking for it so for me it is about always trying to put myself in his shoes / think of what he would like... sometimes I forget! But when he initiates something making sure you are in a comfortable mindset for the actions and if not then letting them know as well.

 

Also..... A LOT of lube. Sometimes there is no need but never being afraid to ask for the lube 😂

How long have you been together? And did you know you were a Grace at the start of your relationship?

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Alisaurus

I did thankfully! At least, I knew I was on the Ace spectrum and wondered if I was grey as I felt dissatisfied not having a proper Partner in life... I might have been fine with a platonic one but I think they might have to be ace as I don't like to share so I was always struggling with the grey/demi/none dichotomy. I actually confirmed my greyness while in the relationship with him: I felt SO comfortable with him having known him so well that everything suddenly came easy, if not always with the accompanying sexual desire etc which wasn't a Big Deal as I was already aware of my aceitude. 

 

We were friends for 2-3 years first, during which time he straight-boy kept trying to figure out if I was gay or into him (he was in a long term relationship so as an ace oriented person I saw no reason to pursue anything that would damage his other romantic/sexual relationship) but I kept trying to hint at my aceness; eventually his other relationship was Very Bad and he told me his feelings for him and as an ace on the fence about being grey or not I discovered that yes I am definitely grey! Still fully ace (I've seen some threads on here saying that being grey disqualifies you from being ace but imo it is Bunk) but the greyness asserted itself and I suddenly understand all of the stories I have read about aces with sexual partners being comfortable/happy to do sexual activities with their partners... especially when their own personal libido helps out sometimes!

 

We have now been together for 3.5 years, living together, essentially married in everything except the signed paper but in every way that counts. I find SOMETIMES I am seeking out the sexual activity in wanting to, but 90% of the time I am asking if he wants it to keep myself on my toes because I don't want to forget that he wants it more often than I! It isn't all the time... when you live together the ratio of seeing each other/being in each others' company : doing sexy/romantic things decreases (which is convenient for me actually).

 

OK that is more than you asked for but still! I am open to any questions you might have!!!! We probably don't have the exact same relationship, I know that, but I am still here to help :)

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Sewing_shadows

I connect with this thread so hard! 

 

I’ve been married 12 years and in a relationship a total of 17 years with my husband. He’s a sexual and definitely desires intimate touch more than I do. And he has no problem initiating — besides his annoyance that I never do initiate. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cause strife in our relationship. 

 

I am 48 hours into realizing I’m a grace and what that means. Yeah me! 

 

I’m also the survivor of sexual assault and have been processing that for almost 20 years, mostly on my own. We used to use the assault to explain away a lot of the roadblocks I had with initiating sex and being interested. If the stars are not in alignment, I am simply not in the mood. If everything leading up to sex isn’t awesome, I’m not in the mood.  It feels like a flip switches and sex goes from possibly interesting to downright annoying. And most of the time it seems annoying or repulsive to me. 

 

We’ve read books about fixing my problem.Books told me to have sex even if I wasn’t in the mood.  I saw a counselor to fix my problem. I was told just to have sex, even if I wasn’t in the mood. 😒 Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen. I absolutely refuse to do anything if I’m not enthusiastically consenting to it. Period. 

 

So after YEARS of trying to grapple with my roadblocks (what the hell is wrong with me?) someone posted on FB about identifying as asexual. What’s that, I wonder? AVEN’s resources were eye-opening. OMG, there’s other people like me! And while some of my hang ups might be related to side effects of medications or being a survivor, I prefer the lens that I’m a grace and there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing to fix about my perspective of sex.

 

So after I came out to my husband in the most awkward manner in the whole world, we realized that I am not opposed to sex if my husband is “present” and there’s more there than just physical touch. I won’t feel a connection through sex, but if I feel a deep connection, I can enjoy sex. (While he feels more connected to me when we have sex). That means he’ll be the one probably forever initiating sex. But I promised to communicate if I’m not in the mood, and to be present and enthusiastic if I am in the mood. I’m working on initiating other touches ...kisses and hugs and such. We still won’t have as much sex as he would like, but I’d prefer quality over quantity and hope that he can appreciate it as well. In the meanwhile, we’re working on beefing up other parts of our relationship so that the discrepancy between our perspectives on sex isn’t a deal breaker. 

 

I don’t know that I can offer an amazing message of hope, but hopefully a realistic view of a grace/sexual relationship can show you that it can work. We’re not entirely unhappy. And actually, coming out to him as a grace has been eye opening. He’s been really affirming and it’s given me the words to actually explain to him how I feel ... other than sex usually sounds icky to me. In the past, he’s ask if I was even attracted to him anymore. I didn’t have a way to tell him gently, “honestly I’ve never been sexually attracted to you, but you’re my best friend.” It’s probably a really ace-typical answer but boy does it sound insulting to a sexual!

 

I’m not one to throw out a lot of advice, but keep the conversation with your spouse going.  Keep talking about it and grappling with it and wondering what will make your relationship work. I’m optimistic that you can work out something that works for you if you’re both willing to commit the time and energy it will take to find an equitable solution. 

 

Good luck and congrats on your marriage! 

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