kayfaraday

Did anyone else ever waste time trying not to be ace?

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kayfaraday

I sincerely wish I'd heard of Aven or asexuality sooner. To be honest, it never occurred to me that other people felt the same way I did. I always bought into the idea that something in me would change, or  that I needed to work on making something change first, and then it would all make sense. In short: I wasted years of my life trying not be ace--and I kind of regret it.

I think the "kind of" stems from the sense that after all that, having failed to become less ace, I kinda solidified your sense that I am. But I think there's this weird sense that I could have had a different sort of experience with relationships and honestly known what to ask for sooner. There's also a sense of shame. Of feeling compromised somehow.  Like, the time I invested in trying to be something else somehow mars me and calls my identity into question anyway.

It's funny because I have friends who think that my aceness is really a mask for  a "lack of confidence" but the reality is, if I'd had more confidence in my own sense of myself, I'd have identified sooner.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

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GiveMeBurritos

I feel this way too. I spent so many years of my life denying this was who I was because I thought I could change it. But I've had sex and having sex didn't change how I felt about it. And even after that, I tried to force myself into this notion that I just haven't found the right person to make it feel like what everyone else feels. 

 

It wasn't until recently I just kind of put my hands up and was like you know? This is who I am, and there is no running away from it. I am not broken, I am a fully functioning human being who just doesn't like sex or romance and that's okay. I do sometimes feel ashamed of myself for having these sexual relations to try and make myself think that I that's what I wanted and I sometimes feel less ace because I have had sex. I honestly wish I was still a virgin at times, but I know that just because I've experienced that doesn't make me any less valid then an ace who hasn't. Just like how a lesbian might have sex with a guy but then realize that that's not for her.  

 

My mom I think thinks that my asexuality is a mask for lack of confidence. So I completely understand how you feel like you've wasted time by denying this part about yourself. 

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Deus Ex Infinity

No but I tried to BE ace :D It's not wasting time though. Just pretty difficult.

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jlane01

In my experience it's a journey of self discovery. Even when I learned that I probably could be an ace I thought to myself, no it can't be... but in truth it makes the most sense and now I feel whole and complete accepting myself the way that I am. 

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Vampyre Dani

Yes. (T_T) 

 

It took me many years to figure things out. Obviously it helped when I learnt the term "asexual". It was awesome to finally find the right word to describe when I was experiencing, for all of the other words I tried never fit me properly. Even once I figured stuff out, it was kinda hard to accept it. Sadly, I did do some things during that time that I'm not very proud of. :( 

 

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MichaelTannock

@kayfaraday In my case, I realised that I'm Asexual early, and accepted it.
I didn't try to be Sexual.

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scare-let lati-boo

Yeah like... the first 20 years of my life. :P But I didn't know ace was an option until recently so... 

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daveb
2 minutes ago, scarletlatitude said:

Yeah like... the first 20 years of my life. :P But I didn't know ace was an option until recently so... 

This, but make that about the first 50 years of my life. :) 

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mreid

I didn't pay much attention to sexuality and thought "I'm still young, I don't really have to do anything because I will change anyway, so I will let nature take its course and leave it be." which is why I stayed away from sexual things; I simply didn't feel like it. That made me often an outcast, but I have always been a bit of an outcast so I was used to it.

 

I wished I had known sooner though because it would have made me understand other people better. I always felt like there was some disconnect somewhere, and I am beginning to find out it has to do with sexuality. Knowledge of how other people think would have made things much easier for me in many cases.

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ElasticPlanet
1 hour ago, kayfaraday said:

I wasted years of my life trying not be ace--and I kind of regret it.

I would have been in my late teens when it first occurred to me to try to find an interest in sex. But the thing is, I wasn't trying not to be ace! I'd never heard of asexuality; I had no idea that sexual and romantic attraction were two different things and that I was only experiencing one of them. I wasn't trying not to be ace - I was trying not to be kinky.

 

As to whether it was a waste... well, it was hideously inefficient.

 

I learnt from it in the end, but all the misunderstanding along the way would never have had to happen if I'd been given the knowledge when I actually needed it.

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baronessvonfancy

My experience of coming to terms with asexuality has been rather dramatic - I wish I had been less scared of the term, but feeling like an alien who is unable to understand their own thoughts and emotions in our highly sexualised society was very difficult. Lots of my friends are heteronormative, so I have always been told that I just need to "break the curse", or that "I haven't found the right person yet". I have been called a robot, or cold and unfeeling, on multiple occasions and people have been disgusted in my views on love and sex. This created a sense of shame around what is a core part of my being which I did anything and everything to oppress.  I too have done some things I am not proud of to get where I am now!!! Still, the painful bits have been necessary in my acceptance of my identity. 

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The Dryad

Well, I wouldn't necessarily call it wasting time, but rather growing up and going through phases, I agree that if I knew about asexuality and AVEN earlier it would've saved me some grief, but I'm alright with how everything turned out. I inherently knew I was asexual anyways, acted like it, felt like it, but didn't have the correct terminology which is why ace visibility is important.

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ElasticPlanet
15 hours ago, Dani-Chan said:

Obviously it helped when I learnt the term "asexual".

It didn't help me. When I first heard of it I made assumptions about what it meant based on what little I thought I knew... it would take me nearly 20 years to find out how wrong I'd been.

 

I thought asexuality meant no attraction of any kind and no libido even for masturbation (I mean, I now know it can include those things, but I used to think you had to be like that to identify as asexual). I was experiencing romantic attraction but nobody had ever told me that 'romantic attraction' was the correct name for that feeling. The thing that we, here and now, call 'sexual attraction' is something I'd never even suspected the existence of until reading about it in places like this in the last few years.

Edited by ElasticPlanet
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Sally
43 minutes ago, daveb said:

This, but make that about the first 50 years of my life. :) 

Me too, including one marriage, two children, and one long partnership.

 

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kayfaraday

@ElasticPlanet I'm with you on the confusion between sexual and romantic attraction. I think I assumed it would kick in when I met the right person, or when the timing was right, etc. I'd fall hard for someone, but not crave what others did physically, and I'd get confused.

I'm heteromantic and was surrounded by people who would have made it safe for me not to be, so I knew I wasn't gay. I craved a deeper relationship, just not a sexual one, and it was like the world would not acknowledge that was a thing.

I think where I get frustrated with myself was because I knew it was a thing (in that it was me), I just felt it wasn't allowed to be. And being romantic, I wondered if that meant I was just going to be alone forever then. It felt horrible thinking I'd probably have to choose someday.

@mreid It would have made me far more understanding of others too. For example, it took a long time for me to realize that the drive for sex could be legitimately important to someone, to the point of even being a dealbreaker. I have never experienced that particular need. It seemed frivolous to me and like an indication that the person wasn't sincere.

@Sally @daveb et al - It honestly makes me feel better to know I'm not entirely alone in this.

@MichaelTannock I envy you. :)

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Pixley

My whole adolescence?

 

Didn’t try anything though, lifelong Social Anxiety saw to that. Fear has always been (and is still) extremely persuasive to me.

 

I did go through an extremely brief phase where I thought I was a lesbian. Not because I liked girls (was pretty indifferent to them actually) but because I didn’t seem to like boys.

 

Logic seemed solid enough. 😆

 

Of course, being genderqueer AND ace, that logic is effed up for SO MANY REASONS. 

 

Like, “No, Baby Me. Sweetie, just...no.” 🤣

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Scooty

I'm just now figuring this out. I'm 23 and I think I subconsciously learned to be "a sexual chameleon" all my life. Meaning, I had very similiar thoughts of "I'll grow out of this", or "once I fix blah blah blah, I'll get better". Nope! I'm definitely asexual!

 

If YOU think you're asexual or on the spectrum, you probably are! don't let other people "decide" for you :) 

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Builderboy
10 minutes ago, Scooty said:

I'm just now figuring this out. I'm 23 and I think I've subconsciously learned to be

I'm 23 as well and I knew I was asexual since I was 18 but relatively recently I have discovered that I'm probably aromantic as well. I have been in 2 relationships, both lasted 5 months and one was at age 15 and the other 19. I realized I agreed to date both of them because I thought thats what I was supposed to do and didn't want to hurt their feelings by saying no, turns out I liked them as a friend but the moment they tried to take the next step I couldn't handle it and would become very uncomfortable. I now know all I wanted was a really good friend/s that I can occasionally cuddle well watching a movie.

 

In short I don't know if I was trying to be less aro ace or not or if I was just confused and trying to figure my self out. All I know is I am finally very comfortable with who I am.

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Sean-Kat

For a long time I operated under the assumption that I just hadn't found my kink, and just needed to be patient until I found what worked for me.

 

In some ways I wish that I hadn't challenged my boundaries so much in the quest to figure out what I was. I wish that I hadn't pushed myself into so many panic inducing circumstances in order to broaden my mind and be a better person. They made me more open-minded, and I learned a lot, but at a price.

 

I wish that I hadn't fallen in love with an allosexual, who needed sex. I wish that I didn't break down into tears half the time we had sex or stay to watch him lose his mind.

 

I regret trying to force myself to be more sexual than I was, and wish I could have figured out my identity sooner.

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Alro
2 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

It didn't help me. When I first heard of it I made assumptions about what it meant based on what little I thought I knew... it would take me nearly 20 years to find out how wrong I'd been.

 

I thought asexuality meant no attraction of any kind and no libido even for masturbation. I was experiencing romantic attraction but nobody had ever told me that 'romantic attraction' was the correct name for that feeling. The thing that we, here and now, call 'sexual attraction' is something I'd never even suspected the existence of until reading about it in places like this in the last few years.

This is me exactly! I wish I knew sooner what I knew now and could have avoided breaking hearts and wasting time! I feel trapped now and stuck in a sexual relationship for good

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oldsoulvocalist

I've had more sex than I probably would have knowing I was ace sooner, but having such intimate relationships with the people I did feels very important to me, even still. I learned so much about myself through them, I learned a lot about what I'm passionate about now and I've had experiences that I can use to help others. I've helped many people make smart decisions about sex, I've helped a couple realize they had STIs and protected their health and bodies in the process, and I personally have had the learning experiences of a lifetime through the people I've been intimate with.

 

With that being said, I invested WAY too much time in relationships that were unhealthy, but if that's what helped me figure out my people-pleasing, codependent, escapist, hypersexualized mentality-related habits, then I don't regret any of it, and I'm thankful to the people I've shared all that time with. If I were in the position I am now with the knowledge I have now, I probably wouldn't have done any of that, but that's kind of the point.

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Vampyre Dani

@ElasticPlanet I'll be honest - I made assumptions too. Because I do experience a very minuscule amount of desire, at first I was in disbelief. It sounded like me, yet it didn't seem to fit me perfectly (I didn't know of the term grey sexual or grace back then). I've since learnt a lot more, and I go with the term ace since it's the one that suits me best. :) 

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The Angel of Eternity

I can sort of relate, however, not in the same way. It has to do with a fetish of mine I'd been trying to abolish for quite some years. However, I have since come to accept it.

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LadyWallflower

For me, I didn't know asexuality was a thing. So I wasn't denying that I was asexual, per say, it was more like I was denying that I was different than anyone else. When I was starting high school, I thought everyone around me was exaggerating there sexual attraction to seem more adult and cool. I realized they weren't really exaggerating, but I figured I was a late bloomer. As time went on, I kept holding onto the idea that I was a late bloomer. I reached a point where I realized that couldn't be it, as I entered my 20s, but I didn't want to think about it. I forced myself not to think about it. Then one day I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I googled it, thinking nothing would pop up, and then AVEN popped up. And I realized, right away, that that was what I was. I was Ace. It was very relieving.

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HayaH

We define us as marriage in one body, asexual toward others. Technically, we can't call us asexual if we are in marriage as two,  because, our masturbation will be called 'sex' with other person. But we did not feel physical desires toward other people, except desires toward our own body. So we define ourselves as asexual toward others. Don't wanting them in sexual way.

And whole our previous life was lost, through false marriage and many many experiments and relationships with males or females. And we did not understand what is lacking. 

But we realized almost 2 years ago about us as two, and we are happy and enough for ourselves. No more problems.

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I wish I knew some of this stuff during highschool.

To be fair I didn't try very hard to be sexual either.

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101 Dresses

I wasted allot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I got blood tests convinced it was anything from  thyroid, PSOS, or hormone imbalance, did diets, took libido increasing pills brought from some dodgy website all in the effort to fix me so I could finally have a 'normal' relationship with my sexual husband.  Nothing worked.  Nothing helped me 'switch on'.  I did not know ACE existed until recently and I wish I had known 20 years ago.  I am so relieved I don't need to worry about it anymore.  I am not broken, I don't need to find a cure and fix myself.  I am what I am and now moving forward. 

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ElasticPlanet
11 hours ago, Alro said:

I wish I knew sooner what I knew now and could have avoided breaking hearts and wasting time! I feel trapped now and stuck in a sexual relationship for good

My experience was very different. If I had managed to get into relationships back then, I think I'd have been amazed and horrified by people's actual need for sex. Pretty sure I'd have been dumped rather than trapped... But in the process I might also have learnt some things I needed to know, at a much younger age, even if I wouldn't have had the right words to talk about it.

 

4 hours ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

It has to do with a fetish of mine I'd been trying to abolish for quite some years. However, I have since come to accept it.

In the process of finding out about sex in order to try to go vanilla, I also somehow found myself learning to accept my kinks, and picking up many more! But useful explanations of asexuality were not on offer in the places I happened to be looking, so that would have to wait another zillion years.

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ponz

I didn't try to be ace or anything else, but for many years, I just assumed my lack of interest and enjoyment was due to medication side effects.  After coming off those meds, it was nice to learn about asexuality and to know it was actually a part of who I am.  I don't regret dating so many sexual people and don't feel compromised in any way.

 

I did try to date only asexuals for several years after that with absolutely no luck.  It was only recently that a relationship sparked between myself and a sexual friend of mine, and I'm completely comfortable resuming a sexual relationship with someone I care about, even if the sex doesn't matter much at all to me.

 

I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't dated so many sexuals in the past, I wouldn't be so comfortable with dating one now.  I could've missed out on such a wonderful man.  So for my personal experience, I'm perfectly fine with how I lived and dated prior to knowing about and accepting my own asexuality.

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Hecate

I never tried because for me all this time I either didn't know or just counted it as me being myself until I felt like I was missing out. But had I known that asexual and greysexual was a term then I may have understood myself and made better choices.

 

As a teenager I never got the whole thing that my female peers were going through. I didn't have crushes and only pretended I did to keep feeling left out. In my later years before university my Dad asked my Mum if I was "butch" which is his term for lesbian. My Mum told him that I wasn't and even if I was, why would it matter to him? I love my Mum for that. But all through that time I just liked being friends with people and guys. 

 

Later sex was kind of a curiosity and admittedly I chose to have sex because I was the only one in my group of peers when I joined the military who hadn't. I always was a bit of an odd one out when I went through training because I was so focused and dedicated to military lifestyle and ideals, as well as the geeky stuff and that little fact. It was hard being different and I know now that I was living another version of me because I was ostracized so much. It never helped. I guess I just thought things would fall into place.

 

So since I left the military and have basically had a big reset on my life and the chance to be more critical of things that's how I ended up here knowing I'm demisexual and if I had known or not been living a lie on most of myself then I'd have known sooner.

 

I don't regret it as that's not what I do, it does feel a little wasted but in a way it's not as it has led me to where I am now. I may not have reached this point had I not lived through that life. 🙂

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