I think my Fiance might be Asexual, any advice?

[Alder]

Some background Info we've been in this relationship for 5-6 years and I've found that my partner isn't very sexual at all, I'm a very sexual male and she's possibly an asexual female.

I'm 19 and she's 20 currently and we're both really emotionally invested in each other and I love her very much but, in regard to sex she's been distant and apprehensive. Which is totally normal especially since we were both virgins up until 2 years ago, what I would consider the "problem" is the amount of times she has directly sought or accepted any kind of sexual contact, I could probably put the number on both hands, and it's been very frustrating for me. Don't get me wrong, when I can put sex aside we have a great time together but inevitably it pops in my head at the most inopportune of times, and I know I can't act on it which puts me on edge and I feel selfish for it. From what I can gather without getting to personal for her sake she was traumatized by her sister having sex in their shared room during her early teens, which could have made her asexual or at the very least sex adverse but I don't know the psychology of these things. We are seeking counseling for this "problem" and I have had conversations about this with her but sometimes we reach a milestone and others we go around in circles, counseling might help help us see eye to eye. I want to keep this relationship and marriage going as long and healthily as I possibly can, her support and love has kept me going throughout the years and I want to support her and keep a rational and blame free perspective. If anyone whom has/had a relationship like this any advice, stories, or suggestions; it would mean the world to me.

Thank you very much

[Tunes]

There are a lot of factors that can go into whether or not a person wants to engage in sexual activity. Yes, asexuality and sex aversion (which are very different things), but also things like how comfortable a person is with various levels of intimacy or other things in the person's life that might be stressing them or any variety of external factors. And just to throw it out there, while sex aversion can definitely be learned from trauma, I don't think you can traumatize a person to asexuality any more than you can traumatize a person to homosexuality. Attractions are very different from behaviors/actions. 

 

While asexuality is certainly not ruled out, some couples counseling could help either way - at least in getting a better understanding of where you each stand and how to communicate these differences. You definitely sound like you each have different needs in that area regardless, which should be addressed sooner rather than later.

 

As for experience, my partner is asexual (as am I), but I am romantic and she is aromantic, and we make our different needs work. I have also heard of sexual-asexual couples working that kind of relationship out as well. If you truly want to stay with her (assuming there is nothing to work through that can make your needs more compatible, which there might be and that would be great), it is possible to make that kind of a relationship work. It is not ideal. It is really hard when you both have very different needs and you both need to find a way to get at least the most basic of those needs met. It requires a lot of communication and compromise - and sometimes there just won't be a way for you to both have all of your needs met, which doesn't mean one of you can't live without, but it will certainly place a lot of strain on the relationship. If marriage in general requires communication and compromise, then a union where needs are this different can be doubly so. And it can sometimes be very difficult to remember that it's only a difference of needs and not in some way your fault - they just don't love you as much, or you just aren't good enough to get them to feel these things, etc. Those things aren't true, but sometimes emotions don't listen to logic and it can be hard to keep it from getting you down sometimes. So it takes a lot of patience and understanding as well. 

 

Either way, I wouldn't jump to asexuality that quickly, mainly since she herself would be the only one who could actually decide whether she was asexual or not - you can never tell by behaviors alone. Your situation might just be something that you two can work out with some couples therapy.  But whatever the case, I wish you both the best of luck.  

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Alder Firstly, welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of ! If your fiancée doesn't already have an account here, I'd strongly encourage her to make one! I think she'd relate to a lot of the stuff discussed here! As with your relationship, have you guys considered an open relationship where you could have sex with someone else but still be invested in her emotionally? That's all the advice I've got, as I've never been in nor desired a relationship of that sort.

[Alder]

@The Angel of Eternity

I've considered that, but I don't think that would work, I love her and tbh she's the only person I would have sex with at this point. The thought of it seems wrong and unpleasant to even consider for me. Even with her consent betraying her like that just hurts. Though I can see how it would work with other couples, good suggestion but no dice for me.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I can't give you any advice that's based on experience. I wish I could.
I will say that your partner sounds Asexual to me, regardless of any cause if there is one.
Have you set any time for having sex? I've read that other Asexuals who are in relationships with Sexuals can mentally prepare for sex if they know when it will happen in advance.

 

Incidentally, it's tradition to offer new members a photo of cake because of the joke among Asexuals about cakes being better than sex,

[MrDane]

A traumatic experience does not make anyone asexual, but it can practically feel the same to live with one. “No, I don’t feel like having sex!” If the trauma is “healed” then a sexual could go back to their natural sexual state. An asexual will then go back to their natural asexual state of mind, which still is “ I Don’t need sex or desire it/you”

 

Therapy and “relationship advice” usually is about getting the sex back on track, but the asexual does not have those tracks laid beforehand and at best you can find alternative ways to deal with your ‘mismatch’. Talk, listen and think deeply before you make lifelong decisions. 

 

I am happy about living with my asexual wife. I am not happy about the fact that she is asexual, but so much better off with her than without. I love her, but everytime my sexual need-monster pops up, I have to mentally deal with it. Even when we actually have nice sex and both enjoy it. 

[Guest]

If its her trauma making her averse then counseling can help. It takes a while though. My brother when I was 12 did some stuff he shouldnt have and... I wasnt comfortable with certain things until well. Im still getting over some. But, sexually it wasnt until I was 31. Before that anything that was a trigger was off the table.

 

I think a lot of getting beyond trauma is feeling safe. So, as much as it sucks for you, try to be understanding. If she cant because of that, the only way she will feel she can, most likely, is if she feels completely safe with you. That means swallowing your own hurt at times. 

 

For me, what helped, was a partner that was OK never doing things that I couldnt handle. Never asking me to. Being 100% supportive. Which, is a big ask when its something you are hurt not getting. But, I came through feeling safe and comfortable and I initiated things when i stopped feeling repulsed by it. 

 

If it isnt trauma though, she just will never desire it. Which, means even working through her issues wont help with more sex. It might help set up a compromise, but she wont desire you like that (even though she lovea you) if ace. She just cant. 

[Alder]

@MrDane thank you for your help, and it seems like we're similar in some ways especially in regards to our partners sexual needs. However getting the sex back on track is more on the back burner in this situation. I want to understand how she feels from people whom are similar and get some advice on how to, If she's asexual, cope with the lack of sex in my life. I don't want to feel bitter about it and I want to see it from her perspective. She's a very quiet woman and has a hard time putting her feelings into words so it's hard for me to interpret sometimes.

I know this is subjective, but how do you keep your sexual need-monster in check when it pops up with your wife?

[Alder]

@MichaelTannock

Yeah we have tried that, she even initiated it which is really good, but we couldn't go through with it. She seemed like she was trying but the moment kind of faded as these things do sometimes. Cuddling sufficed though ☺️

[anisotrophic]

I'd suggest... try to have an idea of what you want/need, and pay attention to how what you do is working for you (& your partner, if it involves her).

 

Because I try different things, and sometimes I discover something I thought would help doesn't help much. Or it does help, but only for a phase. Or it backfires.

 

eg doing solo stuff might help -- *or* too much might backfire and leave you feeling worse. Same for scheduling sex, other ideas... the point is, try different things, don't feel bad if it doesn't work, it's all learning? I try to feel that way

 

Another option is to be held while masturbating. I've done that occasionally even though my partner is indifferent (sometimes he's just too tired, since it's still a chore for him), it helps that I can do this sometimes... but others might find it makes it worse. I'm sure what exactly what works for each person/couple varies

 

 (Truthfully for us, we have a fair amount of sex; the key change was that I now know it's charity sex & am thankful & fine with asking respectfully and leading.)