Aromantic Asexual - No relationship thread.

[Faile]

I'd like to hear from other aro ace people who aren't in a relationships; How do you view peoples relationships? Do you ever want to be in one? 

 

I don't have any interest of having a relationship and i tend to see other peoples love life as just... Biological thing? Like it dosen't have any spiritural meaning or bonding, it just nature doing it's job. Let it be platonic or nonplatonic one.

 

I think here is good to note that i don't devalue their importance of the relationship, this is just what i think in my head and let people do what they do. 

 

Feel absolute freedom to say everything that you think about these things.

[NickyTannock]

I pretty much feel as you do.
I view relationships as being the result of a biological drive to propagate the species, just as the drive to have sex is.
And I don't want to be in one, even if I see everyone else in one.

[Snao Cone]

I wouldn't say I see it as just biological or human nature. We are all a mix of simple and complex. I don't think romantic love is magical outside of the people experiencing it, and it doesn't make those people of higher sophistication. On the other hand, being aro/solo doesn't make someone more whole than individuals who feel a strong need to attach themselves to a partner as a unit. There are so many other facets to who we are that frame our identities and completeness. 

 

That being said, sometimes people talk about relationships (especially their own) like they're part of a universal human condition. My eyes roll into the back of my head and I take the whole conversation less seriously when that attitude is demonstrated. It's not a taboo thing to say, either, as the "love conquers all" philosophy is often skewed towards romantic love. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm going to keep pursuing my own happiness, though, which happens to be without a committed partner. 

[fuzzipueo]

Not interested in relationships myself. However, I do get a kick out of watching other people's relationships (when they're working, that is), both in the real world and in the fictional world.

 

I completely disagree that relationships are entirely biological in origin. Not everyone wants to procreate - a good number of my married hetero/gay friends are actually child-free as much by inclination as by choice. There are a wide variety of reasons why people get and stay together - common interests, emotional compatibility, matched wants and desires, matched senses of humor, you name it. They're the same reasons people in QPRs/QPPs stay together. They make each other happy and enjoy each other's company. And this holds true for couples who do have children too. Kids are just an added bonus for them.

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

As far as relationships being a biological thing, maybe they are if they involve sex. However, I don't want any relationship of the type, as I'm repulsed by sex and somewhat averse to romance and sensual stuff. I'd et kind of weirded out if anyone came up to say to me they wanted a relationship with me, had a crush on me, etc. I'd just tell them no thank you. Don't touch me. And I'd be cautious around them after that.

[Bio 7]

I enjoy relationships in games depending on how well done they are and then think how nice it would be to have someone like that, probably with another guy. Then I start thinking if it would actually work and it just falls apart. I cannot see it being something I will experience as I can’t imagine having to deal with a person in your life like that, having to share everything and make plans together, care for each other.

 

My post sounds worse than it is meant to because I just can’t really imagine having that dynamic, platonic is surely enough to satisfy. I may change my mind about being Lithromantic but so far, at 19, I have no experience nor desire to have a relationship.

[nerdperson777]

Companionship comes in many forms.  I'm absolutely fine with platonic relationships.  My ideal QPR would have just as much commitment as a traditional relationship.  I want that trust and dedication to one another.  I've never really had someone who treated me "special", as in giving me better treatment than others.  Well, I did have one, but when I didn't know how to handle it, I ruined it.  We are now at least on talking terms, with a little bit of joking around, but I know that she doesn't want to become too close again so that we don't repeat the same mistake.  I learned my lesson but there won't be a second try.  I just want a best friend really, a single person to trust wholeheartedly, with none of the romance or sex.  I'm not sure how I'd fare with putting cuddling back in.  I don't want to become the monster I was again.

[Faile]

@fuzzipueo I'm giving you a little bit of a doubt that you forgot romance is also driven from biological reason of getting a mate and staying with them. Romantic feelings devolve outside of sexual feelings but it's purpose is keeping the couple together for atleast 4 years so the kid would be old enough to survive without two parents. Nowdays we are cabable of thinking if we want a kid, prevent it and all that. But the biological factor is still the same as always. Couple can stay together even after romance is gone but then that is being friends with a fancy name. The reason why people want to be in a relationship can be due the social norms since we learn what other people do (Perfect example is gay people who tough they were straight because that was a norm) or romantic feeling = biological factor. That's why we don't date every friend we have, and we don't call our relationship as friendships. There are studies that go deeper on the genetic aspect why people get attracked to people and at what point it differences from platonic from romantical.

 

-Hopefully you understand what i'm saying, i'm not a native english speaker so if i made a typo or something just ask what i meant-

[Faile]

@nerdperson777  I imagine that relationship being like the witch and it's familiar.

I don't think you're missing out by being her friends, since you can grow a meaningfull bond with a friend as well. I don't know how physical intemacy ruined your thing that you had, but if you learned from that experience then you won't do anything hurtfull again. So just cuddle.

[Faile]

1 hour ago, Bio 7 said:

I enjoy relationships in games depending on how well done they are and then think how nice it would be to have someone like that, probably with another guy. Then I start thinking if it would actually work and it just falls apart. I cannot see it being something I will experience as I can’t imagine having to deal with a person in your life like that, having to share everything and make plans together, care for each other.

 

My post sounds worse than it is meant to because I just can’t really imagine having that dynamic, platonic is surely enough to satisfy. I may change my mind about being Lithromantic but so far, at 19, I have no experience nor desire to have a relationship.

Boy, same. Like when i was in high school i tough that maybe i would warmup to the idea of dating if i just imagined how it would be like. But no, it just felt so troublesome and stressful and not worth the effort. Literally everything that i don't want to waste my time on.

[fuzzipueo]

2 hours ago, Spoiled Boy said:

@fuzzipueo I'm giving you a little bit of a doubt that you forgot romance is also driven from biological reason of getting a mate and staying with them. Romantic feelings devolve outside of sexual feelings but it's purpose is keeping the couple together for atleast 4 years so the kid would be old enough to survive without two parents. Nowdays we are cabable of thinking if we want a kid, prevent it and all that. But the biological factor is still the same as always. Couple can stay together even after romance is gone but then that is being friends with a fancy name. The reason why people want to be in a relationship can be due the social norms since we learn what other people do (Perfect example is gay people who tough they were straight because that was a norm) or romantic feeling = biological factor. That's why we don't date every friend we have, and we don't call our relationship as friendships. There are studies that go deeper on the genetic aspect why people get attracked to people and at what point it differences from platonic from romantical.

 

-Hopefully you understand what i'm saying, i'm not a native english speaker so if i made a typo or something just ask what i meant-

Did you know that marrying for love is actually fairly recent (like in the last couple of centuries recent)? Before that, marriage was an economic arrangement between parties.

https://www.livescience.com/37777-history-of-marriage.html

People have been producing children without romance for centuries - arranged marriages among the nobility and the common folk rarely involved "romantic feelings". See link above which pairs down what Stephanie Coontz wrote in her book Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. [Edited to add] also, there are children born everyday whose parents do not stay together for longer than it takes to do the deed - which is sad, but a reality.

The bolded part: uhm women have been able to rid themselves of unwanted pregnancies for as long as the knowledge of herb lore has been around.

[jlane01]

Even though I've been in relationships in the past and have been married, I don't really understand them, or sex either. Procreation is needed to keep the human race going, so I understand sex from that point, but otherwise I don't really understand it. For me it's always been a chore, just another thing that needed to be done when you are married or in a relationship. I'm capable of having sex, but as it turns out, I am happier without it. Plus I don't plan on being a father. 

 

I've also learned that I really don't like small talk and that I'm not fond of dating. I'm happier when I can be off in my own little world reading, researching, writing, etc... what else is there to relationships?

 

Oh yeah, I also prefer sleeping alone.  

[Faile]

@fuzzipueo I'm aware that marriage is a contract. I don't understand why you thought you need to explain it, since i haven't said a word about it. I'm talking about a neurological factor of romantic love and how it works. When people have kids without romance, then it it driven from sexual attraction. Doesn't erease the fact romantic feelings exist or it's purpose. I think in this website we both are very aware that sexual and romantic attraction don't have to be connected in any way. So when pairs get a child and brake up guickly, it is most likely that the relationship was sexual with little to non romantical attraction. I hope this helps you to understand why i see relationships as biological thing. Not that you need to see it as it.

 

 

I'm also aware that women have been cabable of avoiding pregnancies for centuries. I didn't think about it as a important thing in my comment so i didn't pay attention to the history of it. But that is completely my fault since it does seem i'm ignorant about it.

 

Anyway, awesome to talk to you. It's like 3am here now so i'm hitting the hay, but i hope i can read your reply tomorrow.

[Faile]

Also i can't figure out how to attach pdf files to this.  I tried to add the link where you guys can download it but i can't add it at all. It's unfortunate because most of the studies i've read are in pdf file.

 

Christ this makes me feel so old.

[œddy]

13 hours ago, Bio 7 said:

I enjoy relationships in games depending on how well done they are and then think how nice it would be to have someone like that, probably with another guy.

E.g Garrus from mass effect? Best character to ship ever

[acelectriclady]

I just really like being by myself. I love the feeling of doing something social and then coming home on my own. That feeling captures my personal perfect balance of relationships with others combined with my alone time. I feel like if I had a romantic partner I would have to sacrifice this balance. I would ultimately make a partner unhappy because I would not communicate enough and I would not understand why I would have to spend comparatively more time with them than with other people in my life. I really cannot go beyond the bonds I have with close friends. In these relationships, we communicate as much as we wish to and we make an effort to see one another but there is no consistent sense of obligation. I treasure my independence and my privacy. 

 

When I see others in romantic relationships I usually do not mind but sometimes I feel exhausted just thinking about how much of a toll that type of relationship would take on me. But I acknowledge that they crave, desire, and feel something I have never experienced. Maybe they will never experience what I feel either. For as much as allo people value their individual independence and privacy, they would also invite a romantic relationship at some point into their lives if it feels right. 

 

[touching-not-so-much]

I'm 45 and never had a relationship or been intimate or romantic with anyone, even though when I was in my mid teens, I thought I'd die or would rather die, if I didn't get a girlfriend "soon". I went on one date to see the X-Files movie in the 90s I think? and it was ok but ended there, and another where I took the girl to eat and then she "had a headache" (that was one my aunt set up).

 

Since then I really haven't tried - I talked to a few girls, women I guess, I forget I'm not 17, here and there on the net and while some were really nice and cool to talk to, I realized how unfit I am for a relationship anyway, as I would get irritated and sometimes avoid them or the net because I just couldn't take socializing, even online, as much as they wanted.

 

I sort of semi intentionally passive-aggressively lost contact with them (I realize now) and am coming to the conclusion that like asexuality itself (sex avoidant myself), I think I sort of presumed myself into being into relationships but given I couldn't even endure my friend staying with me for more than a year when he had a leg amputated, I realize just how much I enjoy my own alone time and how potentially miserable I might be in a relationship.

I'd certainly try it, and still think maybe I do crave to experience the commonly typified warmth and closeness and intimacy and romance, at least holding hands, but at 45, I don't miss it since I never had it, and at this point in my life, I'm not sure I'd really welcome it. Like sex, I'm technically cautiously "open" to it but I'm not seeking it out or pining for it, and likely it would really just complicate things and make them way more dramatic than I'd be comfortable with.

[All The Thoughts]

I have nothing against those who do feel something; their feelings are perfectly valid. I just personally do not understand what that feels like. Even if I try to imagine that level of feeling, I just can’t get to it at all. Having the fact that I haven’t actually been in a relationship myself, I’d be open to try it just to see if anything changes and I DO start feeling something deeper with that person, but I definitely don’t feel the need to rush into it if that makes any sense.

[nerdperson777]

22 hours ago, Spoiled Boy said:

@nerdperson777  I imagine that relationship being like the witch and it's familiar.

I don't think you're missing out by being her friends, since you can grow a meaningfull bond with a friend as well. I don't know how physical intemacy ruined your thing that you had, but if you learned from that experience then you won't do anything hurtfull again. So just cuddle.

Let's just say that I was like that partner that keeps texting the other person like "so do you not love me anymore? where's my affection?" when they are ignoring them for being too overbearing. I just had feelings for the first time and I didn't know how to handle them. And I do mean that I never had feelings before. I lived a boring life from abuse so I had adapted to not feeling to not feel pain. I never really had a reason to live. But when someone was that nice to me, I couldn't help but develop some sort of feeling. And when I lost her, I didn't know what to live for anymore, but I didn't think I could take my own life. So I just went through a long year realizing what I did and how it was harmful. But also being logically correct didn't make me morally correct. I had always said that I did nothing wrong as I did everything I was told but I was bordering on creepy stalker when trying to find out why it was happening. I was becoming just like my mom, trying to be right all the time, but it wasn't going to fix the situation. I learned to let things be. It's okay not to know the answer or be always right. My brain can be really binary at this but I let it all go. 

[The Dryad]

Well, because I'm young I don't want to limit myself from being in a relationship- I can't see myself with a sexual there are too many I issues with compatibility, but another aro ace would be comfortable;other aces say that you're going to be okay without a life partner, and to surround yourself with friends -who will probably go on to have their own life partners and children and issues of their own. I hate romance and I'm asexual so I should be repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship, and I've seen toxic marriages and know who destructive they can be, but I still feel it's safer to have a life partner, than to not have one.

[Faile]

2 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Let's just say that I was like that partner that keeps texting the other person like "so do you not love me anymore? where's my affection?" when they are ignoring them for being too overbearing. I just had feelings for the first time and I didn't know how to handle them. And I do mean that I never had feelings before. I lived a boring life from abuse so I had adapted to not feeling to not feel pain. I never really had a reason to live. But when someone was that nice to me, I couldn't help but develop some sort of feeling. And when I lost her, I didn't know what to live for anymore, but I didn't think I could take my own life. So I just went through a long year realizing what I did and how it was harmful. But also being logically correct didn't make me morally correct. I had always said that I did nothing wrong as I did everything I was told but I was bordering on creepy stalker when trying to find out why it was happening. I was becoming just like my mom, trying to be right all the time, but it wasn't going to fix the situation. I learned to let things be. It's okay not to know the answer or be always right. My brain can be really binary at this but I let it all go. 

K

[Faile]

4 hours ago, touching-not-so-much said:

I'm 45 and never had a relationship or been intimate or romantic with anyone, even though when I was in my mid teens, I thought I'd die or would rather die, if I didn't get a girlfriend "soon". I went on one date to see the X-Files movie in the 90s I think? and it was ok but ended there, and another where I took the girl to eat and then she "had a headache" (that was one my aunt set up).

 

Since then I really haven't tried - I talked to a few girls, women I guess, I forget I'm not 17, here and there on the net and while some were really nice and cool to talk to, I realized how unfit I am for a relationship anyway, as I would get irritated and sometimes avoid them or the net because I just couldn't take socializing, even online, as much as they wanted.

 

I sort of semi intentionally passive-aggressively lost contact with them (I realize now) and am coming to the conclusion that like asexuality itself (sex avoidant myself), I think I sort of presumed myself into being into relationships but given I couldn't even endure my friend staying with me for more than a year when he had a leg amputated, I realize just how much I enjoy my own alone time and how potentially miserable I might be in a relationship.

I'd certainly try it, and still think maybe I do crave to experience the commonly typified warmth and closeness and intimacy and romance, at least holding hands, but at 45, I don't miss it since I never had it, and at this point in my life, I'm not sure I'd really welcome it. Like sex, I'm technically cautiously "open" to it but I'm not seeking it out or pining for it, and likely it would really just complicate things and make them way more dramatic than I'd be comfortable with.

It is so nice to hear older peoples perspective on this, and asexuality alltogether. I notice this with a lot of aro's that the effort to keep close contact with people is the most difficult and annyoing part. Which it is. But i find it really facinating that it really doesn't have anything to do with antisocialism, since those aro's who are extroverts have the same issue. Do you have any preference the partner being asexual, aromantic or sexual? 

[Bio 7]

13 hours ago, œddy said:

E.g Garrus from mass effect? Best character to ship ever

I mentioned him in another thread as well for Fictoromantic relationships.

[IceKing]

I have experience with romantic partners and through being with them I learned that I am (very) uncomfortable with romantic relationships (and that I either don't experience romantic attraction or if it is extremly short-lived so it doesn't hold any worth to me).
Romantic feelings feel forced to me and I never fantasized about weddings or even my own wedding (and find it insane and unnecessary how much people spend on their weddings to be honest).
I can see myself marrying (a really close friend) for economic reasons like they did in the past. In this sense I definitely see an advantage in being married.

And well, we would both benefit from it.
I get the most out of platonic relationships - this is where I feel like I can fully be myself and don't need to be an actor. So the want for a (romantic) relationship isn't there.
I can absolutely see why romance can be viewed as biological drive (just like sex).

As for my view of other (romantic) relationships:
In fiction they can be sweet but need to be really well written, having a strong foundation (e.g. matching personalities), and not being part of the main plot for me to like them.
I often find myself very bored (at best) or very annoyed (at worst) with movies/series that are focusing on romance alone or where the main foucs is romance.

In real life...I feel selfish and bad for admitting it but let's say there is a friend I like, I enjoy their company and being with them. When we go to the cinema for example they bring their partner with them, they bring them everytime we agree to meet up for something (sometimes asking me if it's okay, sometimes not). I don't know their partner and starting to feel awkward because of it, like it's just a forced encounter. This (when two people seemed to be glued together) is where I have a little trouble with the relationships of others.
Apart from that I feel genuinely happy for others simply because they are my friend and I'm happy when they are happy.
For random couples I often feel neutral (sometimes a little disgust if they are heavily making out in public).

[Guest]

Can I still answer even if I'm not ace or aro, I just don't want a relationship? lol 😛

 

I haven't physically been with another person in 7 years. I've had a couple of online relationships in that time but Iam so over that now, I just don't have the time or the energy for relationships and don't seem to have a romantic drive at all right now? Other than obsessing over fictional characters again which I thought I'd got over but nah, it's come back with a vengeance over the past 6 months or so.

 

I rarely see other people in relationships, but my mum for example is iiiiincredibly immature when in a relationship and drinks the whole time just so she can have arguments with her bf because she loves drama. Pathetic. It seems most of the 'real life' relationships I've been exposed are based around people feeding off the drama of fighting then making up then fighting more. I just can't be bothered with it. I obviously know not all relationships are like that, I know some are healthy and strong and mature and supportive. I just rarely seem to come across any like that in real life. Everyone seems to be cheating on someone, lying to their spouse about this or that. Meh. 

[apolo234]

It all seems nice enough, and happy for these couples, but for me though, I'm pretty much indifferent to that, and there're always platonic relationships where you go out eating some ice cream and play funny games and just tease each other, this is all I need by now.

[Laplace]

As a likely aro ace, I have no real active desire for a romantic or sexual relationship. I consider myself to be rather solitary, and my cynical attitude only meshes with a particular crowd. I find the idea of relationships to be almost bothersome; I just don’t have the will to play a humongous active role in someone’s life. Overall, I’m happy for others who find nice relationships, but I reluctantly admit my cynical nature bleeds into my judgment of relationships as a whole. My cynicism, my parents’ divorce, and my aro aceness have largely turned me off to the idea of close relationships.

[Galactic Turtle]

On 9/28/2018 at 11:12 AM, Spoiled Boy said:

How do you view peoples relationships?

I personally get a kick out of relationship drama so... for the sake of my friends of course I wish their relationships go well, I'll still never deny a good gossip or venting session. I might not truly understand what they're feeling, but if someone is making them happy then I'm happy. I do have one friend who takes breakups pretty badly though, so whenever a new guy comes along I scrutinize them from a distance and brace myself for the storm.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 11:12 AM, Spoiled Boy said:

Do you ever want to be in one?

Nope.

[Tunes]

On 9/28/2018 at 12:57 PM, Spoiled Boy said:

then that is being friends with a fancy name

Not exactly. There is certainly a biological aspect, especially involving the infatuation in the early stages of romantic love. But being in a QP relationship with my aromantic partner for long enough that the infatuation has long since worn away, there is still a big difference between what she needs from the relationship and what I need from the relationship. We view the relationship differently. Romantic love is still very different than platonic love of the same intimacy.

 

On 9/29/2018 at 11:25 AM, All The Thoughts said:

Even if I try to imagine that level of feeling, I just can’t get to it at all. 

That's because the level of feeling associated with romantic love is a myth. Well, there's the infatuation bit, but that isn't the same as romantic love and it actually wears off after a few years. And makes people feel like they are more compatible than they are. As great as infatuation feels, it doesn't make good foundations for a lasting relationship, romantic or otherwise. People tend to view romantic love as being more deep/intimate than platonic love. But it's not. Platonic love can be just as deep and just as intimate, but it's a very different type of experience. You view one another differently, you view the relationship differently, and you need different things from the relationship. But the love you feel for your partner (if you choose a single "partner" at all) is just as deep and strong. Just different. That's part of what can make it so hard for some aromantics when their closest friend gets a romantic partner - even though the aromantic values the romantic's relationship just as much as the partner does (maybe even more), the romantic is suddenly spending less time with the aro and putting less effort into the friendship. But the aro doesn't want anything other than a platonic relationship and the romantic has an innate need for this other type of relationship. It's not about the level of feeling, but all about the type of feeling and the type of relationship that satisfies that specific type of drive.

[Gingergiggles]

Yeah I just...absolutely cannot comprehend it from any perspective except scientific. They're engaging in pair bonding. Ok, we're a social species with high demand young that need multiple care givers, makes sense. Monogamy? I can't even spell it but that's Mate-guarding, it Guarantees that males are only investing resources in their own genetic offspring. A little archaic for such a social, group-evolution-y species and I have more trouble with it but ok. Polyamory? Very good child rearing strategy and yealds more genetic-diversity. But it seems very complicated to maintain. Cheating on partners? People are clearly very hurt by this so it seems shitty, but pseudo-monogamy is also practices by a lot of song birds and has all the benefits of monogamy plus greater genetic diversity so I see where the behavior stems from. Like I feel like an alien studding gorillas but I can't reconcile rational human intelligence with this wild ass nonsense behavior any other way.