Im sexual. My boyfriend is asexual

[anamikanon]

35 minutes ago, Serran said:

I can academically know most people want sex from me straddling them in my underwear and kissing and playing with their clothes. But, I find the freedom to do so and it not lead to that so nice. I could never be as close to a sexual person that needs that to always lead to something, because I would have to block my natural playfulness just because my libido is low. And my spouse has been exploring her ability to play cause i dont ask for things from it. It is one of those compatibility levels. And omg its so nice when they match. If I wanted to strip and cuddle we wouldnt have to do anything else. If she wants to play with my underwear and then go sleep, we can do that (and have). 

You have found a partner you can do these things with. If it works for both of you, who am I to stand in the corner of the room screaming "IT IS NOT ENOUGH!!!" 😂😂

 

We probably could have done it too, if he'd taken me up on the QPR and I KNEW that we were no longer in a sexual relationship. Sadly, he didn't. Also sadly, I get why he didn't. Sex matters to me in an intimate relationship, and he didn't want to have distance between us. So he oversold his "sex-neutral" to make it happen. Perhaps he could make it happen some time, when he feels more at terms with living with a sexual person, but that time is not now. I am hoping that this QPR allows us to find a similar comfortable space eventually, once I no longer see him as a potential sexual partner.

 

Sadly, for me, "may have sex or not" is not very likely to work unless the "may" happens often enough for me to get the sexual intimacy I need from a sexual partner. In that case, the "not" will be a non-issue. Play. But rare sex and mostly not will drive me crazy. It was driving me crazy.

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

It is like taking you to your favorite restaurant in order to stand and have a conversation on the street in front of it, enjoying the delicious smells as they waft out.

This is a general comment on the above/this topic, not something directed at anamikanon.

 

Initially, the restaurant-lover needs to explicitly state “I do not want to come to or walk/bike by [restaurant] except when we are going to have a meal there.”  To serran’s point there are plenty of folks who love to just stand outside the bakery and bask in the smells... but also plenty for whom doing so without getting something to eat there is pure torture.

 

After that, especially if standing in front of the restaurant without going in to eat has become a regular thing, the food-loving partner may need to very bluntly remind the other partner a few times (“I said I am not willing to stop here unless we are going in for dinner.  Are we?  Okay, then I’m leaving.”

 

The partner should apologize genuinely for forgetting.

 

Unless the partner is generally forgetful, the incidences should sharply decrease over time.

 

If the food-loving partner does not do the above, it’s on him/her/them.  If the food-loving partner does, though, and there are no apologies and (with a non-forgetful partner) no changes in behavior, to me the other partner is being disrespectful and unkind.

[Guest]

Yeah it isnt enough for you. But, he might not understand the it is totally off limits thing unless you just bluntly put it as do this and you violate my boundaries severely... explaining it sexually frustrates you isnt relatable for him, most likely, so hes not getting it. And he may forget himself the first little while, since he has to stop natural impulses that used to be acceptable (or at least not stopped, so he probably took as acceptable)... and are acceptable some of the time. Just saying you prefer not and explaining your sexual feelings is like trying to explain why a blue sky is purple... it might be to you, but its so hard to make sense of if you experience things totally differently. 

 

So, if you put the boundaries out there clearly and remind him if he slips, he should hopefully get it soon. He should want to not violate your person, even if he doesnt understand the need to not be sexually frustrated. 

 

However, it still wont guarantee its not going to be a compatbility issue. He might need the freedom to feel close. You need to not get teased to feel comfortable. Thats a thing you have to try to find middle ground for.

[uhtred]

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Have you told her that outright, very plainly - e.g., “wearing lingerie is nonverbally initiating sex to me” - and then stopped her when she disregards what you’ve said?

 

If not, you need to.  If so... well, that’s more disrespectful than clueless of her.  E.g., one of my close friends is Muslim.  He does not eat meat or meat products and does not drink alcohol.  If I occasionally slip and forget that when we’re all out somewhere, it’s potentially excuseable if I immediately apologize (and then consistently do better)... but beyond that it’s on me and I’m being a jerk.  I don’t have to share or even understand his beliefs.  I just have to remember he doesn’t eat meat and doesn’t drink alcohol.  That’s not too much to ask of me.

Yes, and she honestly seemed confused.  I think that because she doesn't experience this sort of arousal, she really doesn't understand it.  It might make sense:  If you believe that to your partner "sex is good", then it would make sense that "arousal is good".  If you haven't experienced it, it might be hard to understand that arousal is good - if it leads to sex, but not good if it just leaves you hanging. 

[uhtred]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This is a general comment on the above/this topic, not something directed at anamikanon.

 

Initially, the restaurant-lover needs to explicitly state “I do not want to come to or walk/bike by [restaurant] except when we are going to have a meal there.”  To serran’s point there are plenty of folks who love to just stand outside the bakery and bask in the smells... but also plenty for whom doing so without getting something to eat there is pure torture.

 

After that, especially if standing in front of the restaurant without going in to eat has become a regular thing, the food-loving partner may need to very bluntly remind the other partner a few times (“I said I am not willing to stop here unless we are going in for dinner.  Are we?  Okay, then I’m leaving.”

 

The partner should apologize genuinely for forgetting.

 

Unless the partner is generally forgetful, the incidences should sharply decrease over time.

 

If the food-loving partner does not do the above, it’s on him/her/them.  If the food-loving partner does, though, and there are no apologies and (with a non-forgetful partner) no changes in behavior, to me the other partner is being disrespectful and unkind.

Imagine if the response is "but I thought you said the food smelled delicious ,why don't you want to stand here?".    Is there something wrong with the food?  

(I'm slightly exaggerating, and my wife has gotten a little better about this - but still fails very often - recently wore her most alluring lingerie, something normally worn only for special sex occasions, when she had no interest in sex that day. 

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Yes, and she honestly seemed confused.  I think that because she doesn't experience this sort of arousal, she really doesn't understand it.  It might make sense:  If you believe that to your partner "sex is good", then it would make sense that "arousal is good".  If you haven't experienced it, it might be hard to understand that arousal is good - if it leads to sex, but not good if it just leaves you hanging. 

The fact that she doesn’t understand it intrinsically is why you have to lay down the boundaries/rules initially... but beyond that she doesn’t have to understand it; she just has to respect your request.

 

It’s no different than, for example, not drinking coffee around someone who has asked you not to do it because they’re bothered by its smell.  You may know their reasons, you may not.  You may think their reasons are ridiculous (and maybe they are!). None of that matters.  You just don’t do it anymore.

 

In the end, if having coffee whenever you want is more important to you than respecting the other person’s wishes hanging out together may not be a workable option.

[ryn2]

6 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Imagine if the response is "but I thought you said the food smelled delicious ,why don't you want to stand here?".    Is there something wrong with the food?  

(I'm slightly exaggerating, and my wife has gotten a little better about this - but still fails very often - recently wore her most alluring lingerie, something normally worn only for special sex occasions, when she had no interest in sex that day. 

Initially, that may mean you didn’t fully get your point across and may need to clarify (“I’m sorry, apparently I wasn’t clear.  Unless you are 100% certain you are willing to eat here at the time, I am no longer willing to stop/walk by here”).  But after that it shouldn’t be forgotten any more regularly than other things are without spawning another discussion about why respecting your boundaries is so difficult.

 

On the other hand, NOT reacting when you find yourself back in front of the bakery and just inwardly seething/sighing in pained resignation only adds to the confusion.  If violating your boundaries evokes no response they stop looking like boundaries.

[anamikanon]

32 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Imagine if the response is "but I thought you said the food smelled delicious ,why don't you want to stand here?".    Is there something wrong with the food?  

(I'm slightly exaggerating, and my wife has gotten a little better about this - but still fails very often - recently wore her most alluring lingerie, something normally worn only for special sex occasions, when she had no interest in sex that day. 

Oh god, that just played out in my head like a scene.

 

Puzzled face "I thought you loved the smell of ...."

[ryn2]

It’s like the bakery.  Some people adore the smell of fresh bread.  Some only adore it because it leads to the taste of fresh bread and the comfortably satisfied fullness of a belly full of fresh bread.

 

The former should be able to acknowledge the requirements of the latter even if they don’t personally get it or agree.

 

”No, I really only like the smell of xyz if I am hungry and about to eat it.  Otherwise it upsets me.”

[AspieAlly613]

Spoiler

On 11/2/2018 at 1:24 AM, anamikanon said:

The exact things he does before starting to masturbate me. Mostly playing with breasts, etc. Then coin toss whether he heads south or not. Otherwise identical.

 

 

(The above spoiler contains a somewhat TMI quote from @anamikanon.)

 

All the spoilers in this post are TMI-related.  If you have an adverse reaction to explicit sexual content, don't read the spoilers.)

 

First, if I understand correctly from other threads, @anamikanon, it sounds like you and your ace are seeing eye-to-eye again.  I just wanted to say that I'm really happy for you.

 

Regarding the actual topic of the fine line between sensuality and teasing, there are two perspectives I should verbalize that I think are important to bear in mind.

 

The first is that one person's compromise may be another person's teasing.  Suppose that one allo in an ace-allo romance reaches the agreement "I understand that you're uncomfortable 

Spoiler

penetrating me with any part of your body.  Vaginas have slimy lubricant that makes a mess and smells funny.

Would you be okay 

Spoiler

massaging and/or licking my breasts?  I'm one of those women who can orgasm through nipple stimulation.

"  

Alternately, if the sexes were reversed, the compromise may go "I get it that you don't like

Spoiler

being penetrated or having your breasts touched.

Are you comfortable 

Spoiler

jerking me off

?"

 

Alternately, another allo in a different ace-allo romance might say "It's not polite to tease."

 

None of the above opinions is wrong.  

 

Another perspective on the exact "coin toss" situation you mentioned is this:

Not everyone initiates a sensual/sexual encounter with a detailed plan of what xe is or isn't comfortable with.  The uncertainty of whether or not he was going to 

Spoiler

masturbate you

at the point that he was 

Spoiler

playing with your breasts

may have been because he didn't even know what he'd be comfortable with that night, and whether one level of contact would lead him to want a more intense level of contact.

[anamikanon]

@AspieAlly613 I know he doesn't do it on purpose. The problem is that it is very difficult for me to cope with. If he is initiating sex, he needs me to help, because he feels lost on how to proceed sometimes. If he isn't, he feels uncomfortable if I act sexual. For me, it is like being ready to sprint or stand motionless. It can be done, but over time, it gets really hard. Particularly when the times we have sex are extremely rare.

 

We have now moved to separate bedrooms by default and he asks to stay over if he's willing to be sexual. I invite him to stay over if I'm fine being platonic and this is working out better for us, because we have an idea what to expect. If we are being platonic, if he touches me in a sexual way, I KNOW that is just him cuddling and playing and not really initiating sex instead of getting aroused and frustrated AND trying to not pressure him.

[staer]

UPDATE: my boyfriend and i discussed somethings last night, which led to french kissing. it turned him on a bit and it led to me giving him head and then sex. He said he'd do anything for me and he wants to be with me. It's very interesting and while i know it won't happen often I am glad he loves me enough to even want to try those things with me.