staer Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 My boyfriend is asexual and im sexual. He says the act of sex repulses him and makes him uncomfortable. At first i thought he was just uncomfortable with me, considering im his first boyfriend. While he says he's asexual, he does things that he knows turns me on or makes me want to be more intimate with him. How do i combat feeling sexual towards him when he doesn't want me on the same way? -staer Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 You don't combat your feelings for him, you discuss them with him. And he discusses his feelings. You talk about what you're both comfortable with, what your boundaries are, what you need and desire, and whether there are ways in which you can compromise. And sometimes after all that, there's a way to make it work. And sometimes there isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 1 minute ago, CBC said: You don't combat your feelings for him, you discuss them with him. And he discusses his feelings. You talk about what you're both comfortable with, what your boundaries are, what you need and desire, and whether there are ways in which you can compromise. And sometimes after all that, there's a way to make it work. And sometimes there isn't. It's confusing, he doesnt want sex but he does things that he knows turns me on but i cant act on my feelinga toward him. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person for wanting him sexually Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 You are most definitely not a bad person for that. Can you tell him how you feel about whatever it is that he does? Is it something he's able to not do? Obviously I don't know what we're talking about here, we don't want him to shut down a major aspect of his personality or anything, but if it's something little, perhaps he can alter his behaviour in some way. You guys still gotta talk in a more big-picture way, though. Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 2 minutes ago, CBC said: You are most definitely not a bad person for that. Can you tell him how you feel about whatever it is that he does? Is it something he's able to not do? Obviously I don't know what we're talking about here, we don't want him to shut down a major aspect of his personality or anything, but if it's something little, perhaps he can alter his behaviour in some way. You guys still gotta talk in a more big-picture way, though. It's more of touching certain areas, waist and hips. But, i have talked to hom about it before but he says that him not being able to satisfy me sexual makes him feel worthless. I don't really know how to respond to it. He shouldnt feel worthless because i love him regardless of sex. I just want him to understand i have desires as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Is the problem that him touching you makes you want to escalate things but you have to hold back because ultimately it will go nowhere? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said: Is the problem that him touching you makes you want to escalate things but you have to hold back because ultimately it will go nowhere? Yes. I know he pleases himself and enjoys touching me wheter it be sexual or not, but i have to refrain so i dont get out of his comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Yep, this is pretty much par for the course with an asexual partner. You just have to not touch, but enjoy the fact that he's happy to touch you. There are plenty of asexuals who don't want any sexual or intimate contact at all. Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Yep, this is pretty much par for the course with an asexual partner. You just have to not touch, but enjoy the fact that he's happy to touch you. There are plenty of asexuals who don't want any sexual or intimate contact at all. It's new to me. I really do love him. I just wish i wasnt as sexual. That way we'd both be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 10 hours ago, staer said: It's new to me. I really do love him. I just wish i wasnt as sexual. That way we'd both be happy. You can't change your orientation any more than he can change his. Without communicating well & having a lot of respect for each other -- both directions -- it's very hard. I think it's also especially difficult for someone sexual to try to partner with a sex repulsed asexual partner (not all are repulsed by sex, but many are, maybe most). Don't expect you should endure pain. Be kind to each other, but I also think you should be kind to yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
No longer active Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Hi! When you say that he does things he knows turns you on, does that mean you'd prefer he stop doing those things? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 16 hours ago, Cinders said: Hi! When you say that he does things he knows turns you on, does that mean you'd prefer he stop doing those things? No i enjoy those things it just makes me feel bad for wanting more fron him even though i know he doesnt want me to go further Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 On 9/27/2018 at 8:36 PM, anisotropic said: You can't change your orientation any more than he can change his. Without communicating well & having a lot of respect for each other -- both directions -- it's very hard. I think it's also especially difficult for someone sexual to try to partner with a sex repulsed asexual partner (not all are repulsed by sex, but many are, maybe most). Don't expect you should endure pain. Be kind to each other, but I also think you should be kind to yourself... I know i have to be kind to myself. And i dont want to issue of sex to break me and him up. Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 So, my boyfriend and i have had a conversation about sex and how to fulfill my sexual needs. He says sex is off the table for him which i completely understand. But the idea of taking a lover terrifies him and it's not an option. What other options are there to consider? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 1. You never have sex again. 2. Cheat. 3. Split up. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 1 hour ago, staer said: So, my boyfriend and i have had a conversation about sex and how to fulfill my sexual needs. He says sex is off the table for him which i completely understand. But the idea of taking a lover terrifies him and it's not an option. What other options are there to consider? What does he mean by sex ? All sex acts or just penetrative? Maybe some things are OK that would fulfill you but arent things he considers sex? Otherwise... yeah what Tele said. I would not recommend #2 though. Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 13 minutes ago, Serran said: What does he mean by sex ? All sex acts or just penetrative? Maybe some things are OK that would fulfill you but arent things he considers sex? Otherwise... yeah what Tele said. I would not recommend #2 though. All sex acts. Im just trying to wrap my head around not having sex with him. And ways to make it ok for both of us without me cheating or splitting with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 21 minutes ago, staer said: And ways to make it ok for both of us without me cheating or splitting with him He would have to be fine with sexual activity - genuinely fine, not as a concession, but because he enjoys making you happy - in the very long term. You would have to be fine with knowing he was doing it not out of lust or desire, but because he enjoys making you feel good - and you'd have to be okay with never having sex with someone who sexually desires you ever again. That's the best case scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: He would have to be fine with sexual activity - genuinely fine, not as a concession, but because he enjoys making you happy - in the very long term. It doesn’t sound like that’s an option based on what OP said here: 2 hours ago, staer said: He says sex is off the table for him which i completely understand. 1 hour ago, Serran said: What does he mean by sex ? All sex acts or just penetrative? 1 hour ago, staer said: All sex acts. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 1 hour ago, staer said: All sex acts. Im just trying to wrap my head around not having sex with him. And ways to make it ok for both of us without me cheating or splitting with him. Well. Then. Your options are.... learn to deal with the rejection and sadness somehow. And curb your impulses. Not much else to do really if leaving isnt an option you want to hear. So, is sexual intimacy a need for you? Or can you live the rest of your life without it? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 3 minutes ago, Serran said: Well. Then. Your options are.... learn to deal with the rejection and sadness somehow. And curb your impulses. Not much else to do really if leaving isnt an option you want to hear. So, is sexual intimacy a need for you? Or can you live the rest of your life without it? Its not a need it's just i would like to experience that form of intimacy with him. He's talked about doing things with his Ex's, that's kinda why it msjes me upset sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 14 minutes ago, staer said: Its not a need it's just i would like to experience that form of intimacy with him. He's talked about doing things with his Ex's, that's kinda why it msjes me upset sometimes Ive done a lot of things with my exes. Thats why I know I dislike it now. I dont regret trying, cause it taught me stuff. But, I dont care to repeat it. Or cause the same emotional distance as was caused with my exes. Does he talk about liking it or just that hes done it ? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 11 minutes ago, Serran said: Ive done a lot of things with my exes. Thats why I know I dislike it now. I dont regret trying, cause it taught me stuff. But, I dont care to repeat it. Or cause the same emotional distance as was caused with my exes. Does he talk about liking it or just that hes done it ? Both, but mainly having done it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 8 minutes ago, staer said: Both, but mainly having done it. Confused then. He liked and wanted sex with his exes but sex with you is off the table? Is he saying his sexuality changed or ? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 2 minutes ago, Serran said: Confused then. He liked and wanted sex with his exes but sex with you is off the table? Is he saying his sexuality changed or ? He is. And i understand that, but im getring mixed signals. That's an issue for me Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Mixed in what way? Link to post Share on other sites
staer Posted September 29, 2018 Author Share Posted September 29, 2018 4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Mixed in what way? Like he says he doesn't enjoy it. And ge doesnt want sexual intimacy but he touches me and says certain things, that would make me believe he wants to dp things. Yet at the same time, he says he's asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Some asexuals on here have said when they do things like that they're trying to show what physical affection they can, and don't realise it's frustrating and confusing for sexuals. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! 2 minutes ago, staer said: Like he says he doesn't enjoy it. And ge doesnt want sexual intimacy but he touches me and says certain things, that would make me believe he wants to dp things. Yet at the same time, he says he's asexual. Could he be saying those things to turn you on because he thinks that's what he's supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 29, 2018 Share Posted September 29, 2018 11 minutes ago, staer said: Like he says he doesn't enjoy it. And ge doesnt want sexual intimacy but he touches me and says certain things, that would make me believe he wants to dp things. Yet at the same time, he says he's asexual. Not to pry, but what things, if you are comfortable saying ? Some aces can be into sensual touch and it comes off sexual to their partners, but isnt to them. Link to post Share on other sites
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