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Asexuality & Christianity


MostlyVoid

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Hey, I'm relatively new to this site but I've been identifying as asexual for the past 4 years. I'm openly asexual at my university but my lecturers still aren't really aware. I study theology, religion and ethics and am going into my third year. That means it's dissertation time. 

 

Last year, I wrote an essay which touched upon general LGBTQIA+ identify in the Christian faith. My lecturer gave me feedback on this essay, saying that the 'A' was not necessary to include, as it was not the common phrasing used in religious scholarship and unlike with the other identities, it was not "rude" to exclude it. 

 

I'm now working on my dissertation, and his feedback got me thinking about asexuality in the the Christian faith. I'm interested in whether or not any of you have had experiences where you've felt rejected by the Church, or whether or not you feel asexuality is compatible with the Christian faith (or any faith)? 

 

You'd really be helping me out, as the personal opinions I have on this matter have all come from some extreme Christian forums which mainly talked about abusing asexual until they're 'fixed'. Thanks!

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Well, as a Christian I have done some research on this and I haven't really seen anything saying it is a sin to be asexual. Also I have heard from several people have found from research I have done on my own that based upon the New Testament that Jesus abolished all laws from the Old Testament including ones concerning homosexuality and replaced them with laws from the New Testament along with many things that are fairly open to interpretation and the times where homosexuality is referenced as a sin is actually a mistranslation, it is supposed to say that pedophilia is a sin, pedophilia was a common practice at the time in Greek and Roman culture. Sadly though most Churches don't agree with this, although on the subject of asexuality most church members have no problem with asexuality unless they happen to be extremely biased are homophobic that they will go to any length to have everyone be heterosexual, though that is rare.  

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17 minutes ago, MostlyVoid said:

whether or not any of you have had experiences where you've felt rejected by the Church

Church being any Christian Church, regardless of Catholic, Orthodox, Protestant or Anglican? Well I don't go to church so, directly no. That being said I know of many Protestant Christians who would be completely against Asexuality, seeing it akin to Homosexuality and etc. Feeling rejected though, I felt rejected before realizing I was Asexual.

19 minutes ago, MostlyVoid said:

whether or not you feel asexuality is compatible with the Christian faith (or any faith)? 

Depends on what exact form of Christianity you are talking about. . I think it comes down to Hyper-Conservative vs more open forms of Christianity. For example my local Quakers (Society of Friends) Church had an LGBT+ fest recently while Hyper-Conservative Protestant Christianity I know from experience seems not compatible. Catholics seem all over the place with their beliefs, I have heard some Catholic Christians who seem open to Asexuality and other sexualities yet I have heard of other Catholics being against Asexuality and other sexualities.

 

This might just be a minor disagreement in terminology, but I feel it is important: Faith is something that is not related to whether or not you go to church (or any other religious building) but is some personal belief.

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I'm looking at this from an outsider's point of view, so I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that while it is generally taught that premarital sex is immoral, it is also taught that sex is a gift from God that married couples are expected to enjoy? But that's only what I interpreted from the few times I have been at a church function that talks about it. (It's probably important to mention that this church didn't agree with same sex marriage.)

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I would think the church would love asexuality.  No adultery, no living in sin.  Heck, the nuns may as well be asexual since they never marry and definitely don't have any sex. (not the same thing, I know, but still)  I'm not religious myself though, so maybe there's some important detail I'm missing that would make them against it.

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I was a Christian for quite a few years as a teenager, but I left the church shortly after my eighteenth birthday. At the time I was really starting to question my sexual orientation, not to mention a bunch of other things. I thought I might be gay; turns out I was asexual. I just didn't know the term back then. Unfortunately, I was much too scared to talk to anybody about this, and I was afraid that I would get kicked out of my church if I mentioned this to anyone there. 

 

From what I recall, people were supposed to be cisgendered and straight. No sex until marriage, and then once married, sex was for procreation, not fun. As someone who is both queer and non-binary, obviously I didn't fit into the church's mould of what it means to be a good Christian. So without saying anything, I just left. Haven't been back since.  

 

As for whether or not asexuality is compatible with any faith, I think that's a personal thing. Some may disagree with me, but I see faith as something that's personal and for the most part private. Whatever faith that I may have now I keep to myself, so my asexuality isn't an issue. I've made peace with it, and that wasn't easy, as I struggled with it for many years. 

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1 hour ago, Jaderade said:

I'm looking at this from an outsider's point of view, so I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that while it is generally taught that premarital sex is immoral, it is also taught that sex is a gift from God that married couples are expected to enjoy? But that's only what I interpreted from the few times I have been at a church function that talks about it. (It's probably important to mention that this church didn't agree with same sex marriage.)

An almost direct quote from one of my old youth pastors: God wants you to have sex. When you're married, he's standing at the foot of the bed cheering you on because sex is a beautiful thing.

Now that I'm older, it sounds really creepy. But in her defense, the entire conversation was brought up as a counter to the idea that sex=bad that some of the youth was claiming they were being taught.

 

Have I ever personally felt rejected by my church due to my being ace? No, can't say I have. Although the conversation above has affected me in my discovery of aceness. Not that I'd be rejected, but more about my chances of finding a partner who won't have a problem with my asexuality.

 

On a related note: My faith helped me in a major way to accepting my asexuality. I just started praying, asking God about it, and was immediately reminded of "You are beautifully and wonderfully made" and felt such peace and acceptance that I know, without a doubt, that he loves me and accepts me as is. I was born exactly as I meant to be and my asexuality is part of that.  

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1 hour ago, Missa said:

I would think the church would love asexuality.  No adultery, no living in sin.  Heck, the nuns may as well be asexual since they never marry and definitely don't have any sex. (not the same thing, I know, but still)  I'm not religious myself though, so maybe there's some important detail I'm missing that would make them against it.

Most churches say that sex between a husband and wife is a good thing, and strongly encourage it. Some even talk about how the line "being fruitful and multiply" in the Bible says sex is a requirement in order to have lots of babies. Not all churches, obviously, but quite a few take this stance.

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1 minute ago, KendraPM said:

Most churches say that sex between a husband and wife is a good thing, and strongly encourage it. Some even talk about how the line "being fruitful and multiply" in the Bible says sex is a requirement in order to have lots of babies. Not all churches, obviously, but quite a few take this stance.

But then by that logic, wouldn't nuns be sinning then? Because they're not marrying and being fruitful either? ._. I'm confused now XD;

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Celibacy has been pretty respected (and often encouraged) in Christianity throughout the ages, so I really can't imagine Asexuality being highly discouraged in Christianity. (References: Saint Paul, Desert Fathers, Augustine, and so many more)

Heck, up to this day many church officials (at least Catholic ones) are required to be celibate.

 

Now granted, all of that is meant as "overcoming the desires of flesh" and putting god before worldly relationships, but you know... those are minute details - and can nobody fault us for the fact that god chose to make that whole celibacy deal easier for us ;)

 

(Oh, and not Christian myself; just raised Christian)

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Depends which denomination you're talking about. There are Christian churches that march in my city's Pride parade and actively speak out about LGBTQ+ issues and work for inclusiveness, and make mention of asexuality on their website. They have a programme for churches to become what they call "affirming".  So yes, it's certainly compatible with the Christian faith if you follow a progressive branch of it. (If you're wondering which denomination I'm referring to, it's the United Church of Canada, a mainline Protestant denomination that grew out of Methodism and a couple other denominations in the 1920s, and one of the largest in the country. They practise a fairly sane and very progressive and inclusive version of the faith. I'm not religious myself, but my gran attended a United Church for many years and I'm familiar with and have a good deal of respect for them.)

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2 hours ago, Missa said:

But then by that logic, wouldn't nuns be sinning then? Because they're not marrying and being fruitful either? ._. I'm confused now XD;

For starters, nuns are Catholic. Most of the other denominations of Christianity do not have nuns and vary greatly with how they view them. As for sinning, no, because they aren't married. The idea isn't that everyone needs to be married, its that everyone who is married should be having sex. Again, it's going to vary from denomination to denomination and from church to church. But in some there is a general held belief that sex, when inside marriage, is something that should be done.

 

In other words, if you aren't married, you shouldn't be having sex. If you are married, you should be. (At least according to many churches.)

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I am an asexual Baptist. I’ve never felt like I was excluded in my church because of asexuality. I wasn’t out to my church, but I think maybe some of them knew or suspected because I wasn’t forced to participate in discussions about relationships.  My parents are Catholic and my sister is an atheist. My mother is 100% ok with my asexuality. She said as long as I’m happy she doesn’t care who I do or don’t sleep with. My dad is Catholic as well and he is VERY anti LGBTQ, including asexuals. Dad seems to think asexuals are “making it up for attention.” 🙄 Wouldn’t it be more likely that allls who brag about frequent frickfrack are the ones making it up? My sister is squicked out by LGBTQ people as well. She doesn’t have religious reasons, obviously, but she thinks LGBTQ people are gross. {She’s never said this outright, I’m going off her facial expressions and reactions when the topic comes up. When LGBTQ stuff comes up, she looks as disgusted as I do when I see blood}.

 

Asexuality as far as I know is 100% compatible with Christianity. People citing ‘be fruitful and multiply,’ are taking it out of context. Search for those words in an online Bible and you’ll see they only come up an handful of times, and they were commandments given to specific people. Adam / Eve and Noah et. al were told to be fruitful and multiply when the population of the earth was VERY low. This is not a commandment that is given to everyone, and trying to say that it is, is like trying to say that everyone needs to go to Mt. Sinai, or everyone needs to build an arc of gopher wood. It’s taking a Bible verse out of context and using it to push an anti LGBTQ agenda.

 

Abstinence is never listed as a sin, while sexual things like adultery are.

 

Finally, Paul explicitly states that marriage is by PERMISSION only, not by requirement. Adultery and fornication are sin, and the purpose of marriage is to help people not commit those sins. But you are by no means obligated to get married.

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11 hours ago, KendraPM said:

For starters, nuns are Catholic. Most of the other denominations of Christianity do not have nuns and vary greatly with how they view them. As for sinning, no, because they aren't married. The idea isn't that everyone needs to be married, its that everyone who is married should be having sex. Again, it's going to vary from denomination to denomination and from church to church. But in some there is a general held belief that sex, when inside marriage, is something that should be done.

 

In other words, if you aren't married, you shouldn't be having sex. If you are married, you should be. (At least according to many churches.)

I gotcha.  Sorry about my ignorance ^^;;; I get it now.

One thing though is that a lot of Christianity is about forgiveness and loving eachother, so it strikes me that even if asexuality isn't what they'd consider ideal, they would be able to forgive it.  At least, I would like to think they would :)

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47 minutes ago, Missa said:

One thing though is that a lot of Christianity is about forgiveness and loving each other

You would think and hope so, but quite a number of Protestant Churches disagree, saying you should "Not accept those who are wrong so you can show them how to be right" (By the way, that is an actual quote from a Hyper-Conservative Protestant Christian Magazine). Again, it comes down to Conservative Christianity vs Progressive Christianity.

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12 hours ago, Missa said:

I gotcha.  Sorry about my ignorance ^^;;; I get it now.

One thing though is that a lot of Christianity is about forgiveness and loving eachother, so it strikes me that even if asexuality isn't what they'd consider ideal, they would be able to forgive it.  At least, I would like to think they would :)

No problem. :) Ignorance is never something to apologize for, it simply means it's something that wasn't available to learn before. :) 

 

Like with most things, there's extremes on either end. Kind of like how some churches preach about fire and brimstone and the endless torment of Hell if you don't do everything you can to be as sinless as possible, others teach about how you can always be forgiven and to love and accept everyone because God loves and accepts everyone. Even within individual churches there can be different opinions on various topics. Some are even really accepting of LGBT people, while others are only of certain ones, and others none at all.

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I'm Jewish, so I'll give my perspective on asexuality and Judaism.

 

Short version:  It's bad, really bad.

 

Here's the easiest problem to describe:  According to traditional interpretations of Jewish law, every Jewish man is commanded to get married to a Jewish woman and have children.  While all the communities I've been part of have allowed adoption, there are some communities where if a married couple does not have biological children within their first ten years, they must divorce.

 

Then there's the problem of erasure.  I learned about homosexuality when I was 9.  I learned about bisexuality when I was 12.  I did not learn about asexuality until I was 18, and even then, it was a passing comment of "yeah, I've heard that's an actual thing" rather than an authoritative statement.  In my (all-Jewish) high school, the question "how should a homosexual follow Jewish law?" was asked frequently.  The analogous question for asexuals was never asked because none of us knew that asexuality existed.  I've had at least three Rabbis tell me that they believed sexual interest to be a necessary condition for romance, one of whom used it as the definition of romance.  (That rabbi distinguished between sexual attraction and sexual interest and used sexual interest as the definition of romance.)  This problem exists even in the more progressive Jewish communities, where a common argument for a lenient interpretation of the term "woman layings" in the verse "You shall not lay woman layings with a man" was that would mean denying homosexuals the opportunity for marriage and romance. 

 

Even in Jewish communities that care less about the letter of the law, there's the problem with the Jewish obsession with the survival and perpetuation of the community.  Often, this obsession manifests itself in youth-oriented events being designed "for nice Jewish boys to meet nice Jewish girls and breed nice Jewish babies."  I've heard one Rabbi cynically describe the atmosphere at those events as "premarital sex is strictly forbidden by Jewish law, but also heavily nonverbally encouraged here so that you'll marry Jews which means Hitler doesn't win."  While I'm not ace, I'm demiromantic, my sexual feelings have never led to romantic feelings, and the sort of romance I'm looking for is not inherently sexual in nature.  As far as I can recall, the only disapproval I've received has been from other Jews, though, to be fair, my non-Jewish friends may assume that my approach to romance is religiously motivated.

 

In some more separatist/traditional/conservative communities, it can get even worse.  While you might think that the prohibition on premarital sex would make things easier for aces, it actually causes more problems than it solves.  To discourage people from premarital sex (or masturbation, for that matter) in these communities couples usually get married in their early 20's or even late teens after a very brief dating period (sometimes as few as three dates.)  It's also considered problematic to discuss sexual feelings in great detail, so this could lead some aces to get married before they even realize they're asexual.  There are even opinions that when you're having sex, your mind should be on the commandment to have children, not the pleasure of the act itself, so you may not even realize anything's unusual.

 

As I summarized before, it's bad.  Really bad.

 

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any chance the A they were referring to was for allies?

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

In my home town, the main type of Christianity was Presbyterian (as in Free Presbyterian) and although I've never been a Christian, I can't help smiling when I think that they have a reputation for being a bit 'anti sex' 😆

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Asexuality seems like it would be a "free get out of jail card" to the church.  Can't feel any guilt about sex if you don't want it.  Also, there is that must make babies thing.

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2 hours ago, Nick2 said:

Asexuality seems like it would be a "free get out of jail card" to the church.  Can't feel any guilt about sex if you don't want it.

There is a difference between church and Christianity, I personally do not go to church often but I am no less Christian because of that. Am I a different Christian, maybe, but aren't we all different? If I am right in assuming that you are using church as shorthand for Christianity, many people do not see Christianity as a chore as you describe it. Regarding guilt about sex, not all Christians are Anti-Sex. It varies widely among the different denominations. 

 

2 hours ago, Nick2 said:

Also, there is that must make babies thing.

Now, I only go to church about twice a year (I do it to appease Grandparents who are hyper-Christian), but neither there nor when discussing with the few friends of mine who are Christian does there appear a pressure upon anyone to have children. There are obviously some Christian denominations that do put a huge pressure for marriage and children (Thinking specifically about the Amish or Traditional Mennonites but there are others) but that is not a prerequisite nor a necessity for Christianity.

 

[I am not trying to offend anyone, if you are an Amish, Traditional Mennonite, or anyone who feel offended please feel free to contradict me]

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10 hours ago, Nick2 said:

Asexuality seems like it would be a "free get out of jail card" to the church.  Can't feel any guilt about sex if you don't want it.  Also, there is that must make babies thing.

The “must make babies thing” you speak of is not given to everyone as a commandment. 

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Sometimes I think a lot of Christians have a problem with asexuality because it's "different," and just like most people, different is wrong, bad and scary.  It's human nature, I guess, to dislike anything that is different.

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On 9/24/2018 at 11:38 PM, KendraPM said:

An almost direct quote from one of my old youth pastors: God wants you to have sex. When you're married, he's standing at the foot of the bed cheering you on because sex is a beautiful thing.

This and the related discussion is actually super-helpful (for me) in better understanding some of the non-ace posters who’ve stated that their church marriage vows/process included the strong assumption (if not commitment) that sex would occur.

 

I am not religious but grew up in a restrictive WASP environment that did not carry with it that same message and had been a bit confused as to why people in other countries and traditions felt like they’d been misled by their ace spouses based on what marriage meant in their churches.

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