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Dating: The Mystery Game


calmao

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So I’ve been in a few relationships and have talked to others and there always seems to be a a game of mystery going on between the two people. Now, I would say that most of of the time, but it could be the other way around, guys tend to be more simple/straightforward while ladies are more complex/secretive. During the whole courting phase people are always determining what to withhold and what not. Then unfortunately, whenever they become a couple this mystery game continues even through the honeymoon phase until the first argument/conflict is reached because a line was crossed the other didn’t know existed. Why is that?

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I think it comes down to maybe people are uncomfortable with stating something about themselves that they think the other may not like or understand and possibly ruin the relationship before its gotten too far. Thats my guess on it though. I'm generally overly honest and forthcoming into things lol

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Reading your description of this has really made me think about it, and it honestly puzzles me as well. Life and relationships, be it romantic or otherwise, would be so much easier if we weren't playing these games all the time. In my mind the main reason is fear - of being rejected, of saying the wrong thing, of being too forward, of not being the person our partner wants us to be (hits close to home fro me when it comes to ace issues), but I don't think these fears are necessarily a bad thing. Yes sometimes they prevent communication but they can also prevent us from saying hurtful things without realizing because they forces us to reflect on what we say to those we care about and how we interact.

I do however think that with the changes in how we communicate in the past few years these 'games' can get damaging. I already agonise over every word I say to someone, but when it's texting it feels like there's sooo much more pressure, because once I send a message it's there forever. I can work my way out of an awkward remark or a joke that doesn't land, but when its on my phone forever it feels different somehow.

 

Anyways, you've got me thinking about the games I play, the information I choose to share or withhold. Seeing it written out plainly makes me see the absurdity of it, but I also see my own actions reflected back at me. Thanks for the food for thought!

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I guess this happens when people jump right into relationship without talking honestly and openly about themselves and their expectations. This is understandable as everyone would like to present themselves as perfect to their potential date. Withholding certain information or behaviour seems obvious. But after some time into a relationship built on this type of "communication" people eventually realize that "this is not the <insert name> that I knew". Because it was all fake. Some people are shy or socially anxious and that's why they might be holding back but I'm sure there are people who do it intentionally to be likeable. As for why is that, I'd say romantic/sexual attraction. "I like them, I'll do what it takes so they like me back." Even if that means pretending to be someone completely different.

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The beginning is called the honeymoon stage because new relationship energy and excitement is real and it's at its peak. Generally when you are very into someone you will want them to see you in the best light possible and think you're "perfect", so flaws are hidden. No one wants to seem too clingy or too distant or too uncool,  so they pretend that things that do really bother them actually don't. But our true selves can't stay hidden forever, and eventually our little flaws all come to the surface, and that's when the rose colored glasses come off and you're able to see things more clearly. And that's when the honeymoon period ends and the potential for arguments begin, usually.

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I don't really consider it a game of mystery, but more like our natural programming to be playful and alluring to keep our partner interested.  If people were to be 100% serious and upfront at the start of the relationship with literally everything about themselves, there'd be little motivation for the other person to pursue them.  There's nothing new left to learn or experience.  Besides, I'm pretty sure most people aren't capable of laying every little thing about themselves out on the table like that.  There's a lot we don't, and can't know about ourselves.

 

And of course this continues into the relationship.  Once again, it's about the motivation to stay together so a deeper bond can be formed over time.  It's not the type of bond you can develop overnight.  Many experiences and memories have to be sewn together to create it.

 

And then, as the previous poster said, when the honeymoon phase ends, the rose colored glasses come off, and you're left with the reality of who/what your partner is, if you don't already have a deep enough bond to make you want to stay with them, why would you?  In bright lighting, humans are quite intolerable.  Everything from annoying habits, to how they treat other people, to their political or religious beliefs; there will be TONS of things you don't like about them or agree with.  If all of those things were shown right from the start, would anyone even try to date another person??

 

The fighting part that you mention isn't always about boundaries being crossed.  It can oftentimes be frustration over one's needs not being met, or simply the result of incompatibility.  Arguing is not pure evil, though.  Conflict is normal and alone does not indicate a bad match.  Couples need to disagree at times in order to actually reach compromises and solutions.  That, of course, doesn't mean they need to have huge, blowout screaming matches, but it is ok for there to be tension and strong words (so long as both can come around and find a resolution together).  

 

All of this is just the normal process we go through to form very deep, lasting bonds with romantic partners.  If people can continue to care, communicate and compromise, then their relationship has a much higher chance of lasting.  It's better to accept the phases for what they are and use them to your advantage.  Enjoy the honeymoon, embrace the acceptance, express yourself during the power struggle and then endure the highs and lows of "marriage."  ^-^

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I wish I had an answer about this.  All I can say is that I would not do that to a romantic partner.  If I ever believed that a specific friendship would be better as a life-sharing romantic partnership, I would explain to her why I thought so and give her the time to think about it.  Once in a romantic partnership, I'don't consider her the person with whom it makes the least sense to be incompletely honest.

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3 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

Once in a romantic partnership, I'don't consider her the person with whom it makes the least sense to be incompletely honest.

I don't think the OP was referring to dishonesty, but more so keeping certain things to yourself and slowly letting the other person in over time.  

 

I do agree with expressing how you feel and what you want to come of it, like dating, a relationship or potentially marriage.  But as for things like your favorite movies, embarrassing stories, past mistakes, etc, those can wait.

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