Should I be worried about being alone?/Insecurities vent

[abandoned-account]

Edit 28/9/2018:

Bleh... I can hardly believe I made this post. On the other hand though it felt pretty nice to get it out as my mind was kinda freakin' out at the time, and I do appreciate the kind answers I got from it. If anyone's still bothering to read this, allow me to clarify some things:

 

1. This isn't really an issue of loneliness or desire for a S.O., though I can see how it could be interpreted that way. It's a worry of having any close connections at all, be it friends, family, what have you. (This may have been more appropriate on the Off-A thread, perhaps...)

 

2. I'm not normally like this, at least I try not to be. It was a very big awkward moment of insecurity for me, and I think it's been a by-product of how my pressuring relationship with my family has been affecting me psychologically. My mother likes to believe I must depend on her for everything and that I'm completely nothing without her and wouldn't last at all in the "real world" (which is absolute BS), and has been shoving that down my throat pretty much any time the topic is brought up. Lately I've talked to some experienced friends and colleagues too and it's been helping me out a little.

 

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Hello everyone

So... I’m a college student who’s working on a computer science degree and hopes to possibly get one in visual arts as well. I have high-functioning autism, though it was only earlier this year I’ve been offically diagnosed.

My parents have been divorced since I was very young, and from then to now I’ve lived with my mother and stepfather, with occasional visits to my biological father.

I do love my family and I know they do love me, but since my early childhood my relationship with them has been very strained (largely due to their divorce). Nowadays I often feel general discomfort and lack of trust when around them as I never know when they’re going to get angry and start fighting over something irrelevant, and communicating with them can be very difficult and often gets nowhere. As time goes on I just feel like I’m coming more emotionally detached from them.

Over the past couple years I’ve had more and more the desire to go my seperate ways from my family and be able to move somewhere else depending on where I can find job opportunity doing what I love (which is very limited in the small town I live in now). I just feel it may be better for us on both ends.

A big thing I worry about though is making it out there all on my own. Now I’m not completely alone as I do have few but very awesome and supportive friends, but I often worry about becoming too invasive in their lives and there being only so much they could do for me (especially if I or they want to move far away). 

I’m a sex-repulsed ace (just any thought relating to any kind of sexual activity or reproduction makes me feel sick and nauseated) and I’ve never dated before or had an S.O. I do like the idea of romantic stuff though and am not against things like hugs, hand holding, cuddling, kissing (just not makeout/slobbery stuff) and the like (only if it was with someone I actually felt that way for, of course), just no sex or anything involving gentalia, nudity or anything of that nature.

A part of me does wish I could have a good romantic/life partner, but I’m not really for dating or deliberately seeking it out and I’d rather stick with the “don’t worry about it and wait for it to come to you” mentality. A very important thing I want to keep in mind though is if I do get with someone I want it to be because I really feel for and care about that person and not because of my own insecurities.

It is something that’s been on my mind more lately than it has been in the past and I’m not sure why. Is it because of my fears and insecurities? Is it just some hormonal phase that I’ll eventually bypass? Am I just overthinking all of this and worrying about it too soon? (probably yes)

I don’t see my asexuality as anything bad (I have no desire for it or to have children [and am all for adoption if I did]) but I worry that being very affectionate and emotional is a potentially negative trait that just makes me more weak and vulnerable and I’m not sure why I am this way or how to deal with it.

For anyone who’s bothered to read through this whole wall of text I’d like to thank you and congrats for making it through. 

 

(Also as I newbie I’m not quite sure if I’ve posted this under the right topic so mods can feel free to move it to where you feel is more appropriate.) 

 

Cheers~🖤

[banoffeepie]

Hi there!

 

It's a general worry ... being alone because of being Ace. It comes up a lot.

 

I don't think there's a simple answer because it depends so much on the individual and their needs. Some people crave close company and seem to need it to feel normal .. others don't even notice they're alone, it doesn't impact on their lives at all.

 

But one very reassuring thing is that .. because this issue comes up so much.. daily    That means there are a lot of people JUST LIKE YOU looking for the same thing. So the chances are very high that you'll meet someone very similar. If you choose to try with random probably-sexual people it's definitely best to be up front right from the word go, tell them how you are .. if they don't run off straight away bring them to this site and let them see how normal this orientation really is.

 

Getting others to believe that you're not just some one-off weirdo is a major part of the battle.

 

I'm just celebrating my one-year anniversary with my partner who I met here!  We are just one country apart for now, and see each other frequently, but with plans to take away that obstacle.

 

It'll be ok

 

[abandoned-account]

@banoffeepie Thank you very much for reading and responding. That was a really rambly post, lol. Hope it wasn't too hard to read.

 

I don't think it's so much out of a desperation for attention or need to feel "normal", more of just an insecurity of living all by myself without any close connections. It's not that I don't believe I can live independently, but I like to have someone who will be there if something ever happens and I need help. I also worry that being highly emotional and my psychological issues will be a crutch. This may be especially a problem if I move away from my town (which I hope to someday) or if the few friends I have move away or just can't be there. I guess it's not entirely an asexuality-based vent, but hopefully it was still relevant enough for the forum.

 

Congrats to you and your partner btw! Best wishes to you ~

 

 

[banoffeepie]

14 hours ago, fuzzychomper said:

Congrats to you and your partner btw! Best wishes to you ~

Thank You !!

 

Well you express yourself well and seem to have pretty sound interpersonal skills so you'll always have people around that you can call friends .. that can be there for you without emotional obstacles.      A special someone should follow!

[Laplace]

I just wanted to comment because I have had a somewhat similar life experience. The difference being that I’m probably aromantic and asexual and I’m rather used to being alone. I live in a small town and my parents also divorced when I was fairly young. I’m still close with both my parents but it’s hard bouncing between them. In my experience, I feel like that divorce has really made me used to being by myself. I find that being alone is almost comfortable. I’m open to the idea that maybe my preferences will change, but I find that I don't really want a relationship. Friendships are cool, but I feel like my parent’s divorce really emphasized that I’m not a romantic individual.

 

My experience aside, loneliness is a common problem for many people on this site (and in general). The thing is, I’m  cynical and not a terribly sociable person, yet I’m frequently able to find people willing to talk to me just about anywhere. Unless you’re somehow drastically less likable than I am, I wouldn’t fret too much about not being able to form connections elsewhere. Do what feels right to you though.

[abandoned-account]

@LaplaceI can definitely relate to that. For the longest time I've had a very sour view on relationships/marriage because of the shitty examples my parents gave me (and stereotypes)

 

Good grief I actually feel a bit ashamed of that vent now. It must've really made me come across as "lonely", but looking back now I think it was just some manifestation of my obsession of wishing to separate from my family and move away combined with my violent sense of insecurity and fear of the unknown. Damn what an embarrassment.

 

I am too an introvert and am very used to being alone (never even had any friends until middle school, other than TV and videogames). I'm not really in a rush to be in a relationship in all honesty. It's actually something I have fears for in itself. Honestly I think the best label for me is just "mess".

 

Thanks for replying! At least I feel a little sense has come back to me now sense the rant.

[Laplace]

Np, sometimes people just need to get stuff off their chest. Occasionally, that’s all that’s necessary to sort stuff out. 🙂

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 9/25/2018 at 6:11 AM, fuzzychomper said:

 It's not that I don't believe I can live independently, but I like to have someone who will be there if something ever happens and I need help. I also worry that being highly emotional and my psychological issues will be a crutch. This may be especially a problem if I move away from my town (which I hope to someday) or if the few friends I have move away or just can't be there.

I feel exactly the same. I also hope to be able to overcome these obstacles for moving to a better place and future someday. Right now these things feel quite scary to me 😕

[œddy]

On 9/26/2018 at 1:47 AM, fuzzychomper said:

@LaplaceI can definitely relate to that. For the longest time I've had a very sour view on relationships/marriage because of the shitty examples my parents gave me (and stereotypes)

 

Good grief I actually feel a bit ashamed of that vent now. It must've really made me come across as "lonely", but looking back now I think it was just some manifestation of my obsession of wishing to separate from my family and move away combined with my violent sense of insecurity and fear of the unknown. Damn what an embarrassment.

 

I am too an introvert and am very used to being alone (never even had any friends until middle school, other than TV and videogames). I'm not really in a rush to be in a relationship in all honesty. It's actually something I have fears for in itself. Honestly I think the best label for me is just "mess".

 

Thanks for replying! At least I feel a little sense has come back to me now sense the rant.

I've been surrounded by divorce and failed relationships through work and in the social circles I've been in for the last 15 years. I do wonder if that played a part in why I have absolutely no interest in ever being anything but single!

 

Introversion can be changed, I used to be super closeted and introverted in my early 20's (even at uni) but by my 30s I couldn't imagine not having a big circle of friends and doing stuff with them all the time. I still very much enjoy my own time playing games or whatever.

 

Regarding 'having someone who will be there if something ever happens and I need help', then I have found that good friends can fill that role. I know you covered that you aren't this way in your original post, but don't go into a relationship due to dependency as its a pretty selfish reason - its also something my mother has brought up a few times to my chagrin.

[abandoned-account]

20 hours ago, œddy said:

Regarding 'having someone who will be there if something ever happens and I need help', then I have found that good friends can fill that role. I know you covered that you aren't this way in your original post, but don't go into a relationship due to dependency as its a pretty selfish reason - its also something my mother has brought up a few times to my chagrin.

yep yep. I 100% agree. This was really a thing about security. It doesn't have to be have to be the help of a S.O. or anything of that sort. Just as long as I have reliable back up if I need it.

On 9/26/2018 at 9:57 AM, Deus Ex Infinity said:

I feel exactly the same. I also hope to be able to overcome these obstacles for moving to a better place and future someday. Right now these things feel quite scary to me 😕

^ What they said.