Scarlet Bird Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hello, I never wrote here, just recently I admitted to myself that I'm probably a-sexual. I'm 25, I never felt attraction towards anyone, and relationships didn't interest me at all, I just thought that I will probably change when I grow up. The first time I had to face this was when I was 20 and had a really close friend, for me he was a good friend but he wanted more. I thought that this is it, he was really smart and nice, a perfect guy, it has to work now. I tried so hard to convince myself that I feel something, that I'm normal. But it ended really bad because I was confused and he was hurt. Today we are friends again but it was a really hard time. My problem is that every time a nice boy asks me out it's the same - I'm getting excited and make myself believe I can feel something, but when I go on dates I'm just afraid he would like to touch me and I want to run away, and ends it by saying something like "it's not you, it's me". Then I get really sad I lost a friend and because I can't be in a relationship. It usually passes after a while and I'm Ok. But now, again, a really nice and pretty guy that I work with asked me out. I decided to do "the right thing" and refuse because I know where it would lead. The problem is that now I'm full of regrets - maybe I should have said yes and then maybe it will be different, at least I know I tried. And really I haven't dated a lot and have such great experience in this field, because even when I dated it didn't last long. On the one hand I'm tired of trying to test myself and see if I can do it, on the other hand acknowledging I'm asexual makes me very sad. I love people (in a platonic way I guess), I know I don't want to be alone. Now, as a student I have many friends that are not married or in a relationship, but I'm so afraid that eventually I will be alone. I really like the concept of a relationship but I can't force myself to feel those emotions I don't have and scared that I can't understand what the other side wants. I never know if I want to go out with a person because I'm afraid of loosing his attention that I enjoy now as a friend, or because I want verification for being "normal", and I can't even think if he is the right person for me. It's always those thoughts that I can't figure out that makes me sad and confused. I guess I don't have a very specific question, just want to know if someone feels the same and what did you do in situations like this? Thanks for reading, Scarlet Link to post Share on other sites
Aloney Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Hello, Unfortunately, you found your club here. I can definitely relate. I feel like I would really feel content, having a real relationship, but then again... How do feelings work? How the heck does one differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings? Not to talk about the touching and after- things... As a teenager, a guy asked me out. It was very obvious he had a crush on me. And I said yes, because I felt flattered someone felt that for me and wished I would learn to feel that, too. It went on for a while, but we never even kissed, because I was so awkward and uncomfortable. Then, when I finally decided I had to spare him and tell him I wasn't interested in relationships, he was trying to be so brave and understanding about it, and for some reason, it was ME crying my eyes out. This happened at school, and I hated everyone asking me if I was okay afterwards because of my red eyes, when I felt like HE should be the one being comforted. I just felt mean and petty. I also know the regrets of not trying with someone who is a nice person... It feels like an opportunity lost, but then again, you have to be honest with yourself. Would you really want to be that kind of close with that person? Or are they just a good friend? I don't know if me ranting about this helped you feel better at all, but I hope you feel at least less alone in these feelings. I hope you feel better soon! Link to post Share on other sites
calmao Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 45 minutes ago, Scarlet Bird said: The first time I had to face this was when I was 20 and had a really close friend, for me he was a good friend but he wanted more. I thought that this is it, he was really smart and nice, a perfect guy, it has to work now. I tried so hard to convince myself that I feel something, that I'm normal. But it ended really bad because I was confused and he was hurt. Today we are friends again but it was a really hard time. Hi Scarlet! I recently dated a girl who was also asexual. You can read about it here if interested. She had not had a boyfriend in a long time too. She was great. Smart, nice, beautiful, strong, independent, ... she was perfect. However, she always had trouble expressing her feelings as well. She might have been aromantic, I do not know, I would have loved her just the same. Given what you said about trying to convince herself that she felt something, I don't know, I feel that when you do you do. There are some people that yo-yo/flip-flop about wanting a relationship or not, but as my mother always told me. Unless you are totally certain, don't do it because someone always ends up getting hurt. Yet it's good that were able to stay friends because once you go that extra step it is hard to come back. 45 minutes ago, Scarlet Bird said: My problem is that every time a nice boy asks me out it's the same - I'm getting excited and make myself believe I can feel something, but when I go on dates I'm just afraid he would like to touch me and I want to run away, and ends it by saying something like "it's not you, it's me". Then I get really sad I lost a friend and because I can't be in a relationship. It usually passes after a while and I'm Ok. You need someone that understands you and that is willing to be patient, I learned that during my last relationship. She told me that she wanted to take things, and I quote, "at a glacial pace", so I did. I didn't even make an approach to touch her until two months in, haha! There are probably things you could get more comfortable with but if there are any limits please let the other person know. Don't expect them to guess your boundaries because then they might cross a line they didn't even know existed and it could ruin something great. Relationship are about: communication, compromise, and commitment. 45 minutes ago, Scarlet Bird said: But now, again, a really nice and pretty guy that I work with asked me out. I decided to do "the right thing" and refuse because I know where it would lead. It sounds like you did the right thing though. I've been on the receiving end. It really sucks as the nice guy/girl does everything right trying to make it work and the other person is looking for a reason to get out. Knowing where it would lead, and accepting that, is such a mature thing to acknowledge. I commend you for that. 45 minutes ago, Scarlet Bird said: Now, as a student I have many friends that are not married or in a relationship, but I'm so afraid that eventually I will be alone. I can totally sympathize with this. That is why I was very upset when my last relationship ended. I thought I had found the one. But if you ever need to talk send me a message. I really enjoy helping others! 45 minutes ago, Scarlet Bird said: I really like the concept of a relationship but I can't force myself to feel those emotions I don't have and scared that I can't understand what the other side wants. I never know if I want to go out with a person because I'm afraid of loosing his attention that I enjoy now as a friend, or because I want verification for being "normal", and I can't even think if he is the right person for me. Yeah, relationships are something I think that you really need to want. They are a lot of work but usually so worth it. Some people think they want a relationship but mostly because they enjoy the honeymoon phase. Once it looks like it's going to get serious they bail/flake. Emotions can't be forced, they come naturally. Also, if you want to know what the other side wants just ask! It usually drives guys crazy to have to play this guessing game. At times, even when you are officially girlfriend/boyfriend, the guessing games continue. Guys are more simple/straightforward and ladies are more complex/mysterious in my experience. To create a solid foundation for compromise and commitment you need communication to express his/her needs, comfortable points, and limits. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 @Scarlet Bird Welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you are Asexual. Have you thought about a Queerplatonic Relationship? http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic Link to post Share on other sites
Ldlelee Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 The posts from a similar thread, "confused," have been merged with this topic. The OP has been informed. Gareki Moderator for Asexual Relationships Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Is there any chance you could be friends with this guy and see how things pan out. It may just be that you havent had romantic feelings or arent aware that is what you are feeling. Just to reassure you, I didnt realise I probably had romantic feelings for someone until I was 26/27 I think and it took a while (like over a year) to realise that the feelings I knew I was having may be romantic because I'd never had romantic feelings before (I'm grey/demiromantic) and I didnt know what they were like and for years had thought that they had to have a sexual part to them. It took me ages to realise what it felt like without sexuality and accept that my feelings may be a little more than a really good friendship. In fact, although I think I knew it was likely, it took someone else to say to me that they thought may be romantic (and why) for me to actually consider the idea and then acceptance of that before I started to get and be comfortable with certain desires that could confirm it and then a sort of romantic friendship for a while for me to realise it was likely romantic all along. (those I still struggle with being sure and we have broken up now so it doesnt really matter). Do you have someone with more experience who you can talk to about these feelings? Could you have a romantic friendship with the person and then see if things naturally progress. Bear in mind that it could take a while for feelings to develop if you happen to be grey/demiromantic. (I didnt develop any feelings for my ex until at least 4 - 5 years into the friendship - In fact, I turned him down once when he asked me out the first time because I had absolutely nothing other than friendship at that point It was several years after that we actually started something). Also, it may take you a while to become comfortable with asexuality before anything happens. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 “The rigth thing” is not to say “stop” in advance, but more to not promise more than you are willing to try to keep. Perhaps be a bit open and say: I like you, and I would like to get to know you better, but dont expect any hankypanky. No really, dont!” Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet Bird Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Thanks for all the replies, it really helps to hear from others. You all made me feel better. I wonder whether I should come forward and tell him the truth, and try for the first time to be honest and ask about expectations from the relationship. I'm just not sure I'm brave enough and how he will take it, a lot of people don't understand what this means and I'm not sure if I can explain well and that it won't be super awkward. Also I don't really know what I am expecting from a relationship and if I'm really ready for it. I think I should figure this out before I go and try to talk with him, I just don't know how to know such a thing. Maybe I need to wait a bit and see what I think of all this. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 Hello, Scarlet. I hope it’s not too late to give my thoughts on the matter. I’m a sexual partner of a wonderful ace guy. We were friends first and started relationships from friendship. I was in love with him for months before I asked him out, and he really broke my heart when he said that we could only be friends. I guess, like you, he felt that saying “No” was the right thing to do. Luckily for me, in some time he changed his mind and came out as ace – that a relationship was possible, but with no sex. I was eager to take my chances and see what came of it. I can’t stress it enough – I’m so happy that he did discuss it with me instead of just rejecting me. We’ve been together for two years now, and we’re both very happy. Yeah, we’re both in our 30s, and it took us some time and quite some trial-and-error attempts to find each other, but good mixed couples are possible. Link to post Share on other sites
SilentRose Posted September 25, 2018 Share Posted September 25, 2018 I relate to absolutely everything you just said...and a lot of it is not just an ace thing. It's very common for women especially I think to beat themselves up because a man who is kind and intelligent and financially secure is attracted to them, but they aren't attracted to him back. It's easy to place the blame on ourselves and call ourselves crazy for feeling this way, but you can't force feelings. I also experienced the guilt you did after "experimenting" with men to see if I could develop feelings for them and eventually leaving when I realized I couldn't. I don't think you did anything wrong- your intention was never to hurt these men. And even sexual people don't begin dating knowing if they will eventually develop feelings for this person or not- it's all a gamble. With every relationship there is a risk that feelings will not be mutual and someone will get hurt. This is just part of life. You can't go by the philosophy that you'll just never date anyone because you're afraid you won't develop feelings and will hurt them- how does that allow you to live your life? As you noted, that behavior of running away before even giving things a chance only leads to regret. Go for it next time, if that's what your heart is telling you Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet Bird Posted September 25, 2018 Author Share Posted September 25, 2018 thanks Lara Black and SilentRose Link to post Share on other sites
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