A confusing relationship experience

[ldap]

Hi guys - this is my first post on here. It's a bit of a long one, but I appreciate anyone who reads it and can offer a little advice.

 

I'm a fairly young guy, post university age, and have had very little dating experience so far. I should say before I start that I've suffered with OCD for five years or so now. Generally speaking I'm not the most emotional person, and it would probably be fair to say that I struggle to know exactly what I feel quite a lot of the time, but I’m really struggling about how I feel about my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for the last four and a half months. Things reached such a point of confusion that earlier this week I asked him if we can take a break for a couple of weeks. It was a really hard decision, and horrible to do, because we get on so well together and I have a great time when I see him, but I have this question mark over my attraction to him. 

 

We met online and got on well, so we met in person. To be entirely honest, when we first met, I wasn't exactly bowled over (and I feel bad saying so), but we got on well so I continued to see him. After a couple of months I accidentally introduced him to somebody as my boyfriend. I wasn't entirely sure that was the right decision, but as I wanted to keep seeing him, and exclusively at that, I went with it. We continued to spend more time together and I felt happier with my decision.

 

At some point I noticed that when we met up and I first saw him I felt a bit underwhelmed, but after a little bit of time I would warm up to him, forget about it and continue having a great time with him, and I’ve also noticed over the last month or so that while we’re together, I can swap between thinking he’s really quite cute to thinking that I don’t find him very attractive. It can happen ridiculously quickly, like I might find him quite attractive, but then we’ll go into a different lighting and suddenly I won’t think so, or I’ll go to the toilet, come back and find that my opinion has changed again. I think this is where my OCD comes into it - I think I fell into the trap of wondering if he is the right person for me, and that I keep having these thoughts and it affects what I think of him, and therefore everything’s fine. Having said that, maybe it isn’t, and I’m genuinely reacting to thoughts about my attraction to him. It also seems to have come at about the same time that things have become more serious between the two of us, both generally and physically.

 

After we’d been together for a few months we had an amazing day out and felt really close. We later went back to his house and made out for a while. It was great fun, and I really enjoyed it. I said that I couldn’t believe it had taken me twenty-something years to meet him, and I said that I loved him, as he’d been saying to me for a little while. Having been rubbing against each other for a while I was feeling reasonably content (although we hadn’t really “finished”), and we went downstairs to watch a film. We cuddled whilst watching the film, and it was great, but he decided he wanted to make out part way through. I wasn’t massively into it and felt a bit anxious, but my heart kind of sank when he led me upstairs for another make out session. It was OK, but I wasn’t really feeling anything. After a little while his parents came home and we went downstairs to chat, and I went home shortly afterwards. My boyfriend walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye, but it instantly made me feel pretty sick. I had figured that my earlier feeling of not being too into the making out was because we had had a really tiring day, but the feeling sick had me confused and I felt pretty horrible on the drive home. 

 

This kind of thing has happened a few times now, and I don’t quite know what’s happened, so I’d like to ask if anyone here has had a similar experience.

 

I find myself wondering if this is a reaction to my yo-yoing attraction to him, or that variation in attraction is thanks to concerns about doing more sexual things as we move forwards, or if it fits the bill of some sort of low capacity for intimate or sexual activities, or that I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum. 

 

For what it’s worth, I’ve never really felt much of a need for sex, and struggle to envisage myself having sex with anyone. It’s not very often that I really feel like kissing somebody; with the exception of my boyfriend when I’m apparently feeling a certain way, the only person that I’ve really particularly wanted to kiss is someone I’ve known and liked for a very long time, but I do have sexual fantasies, enjoy masturbation and seem to enjoy making out sometimes, and on occasion want to take things a bit further.

 

Any comments are much appreciated

[Roidgy]

I feel similarly about my boyfriend: sometimes he seems very cute and other times he seems kinda ugli to me. I'm guessing most people feel that way about their SOs tho.

 

many asexuals find kisses gross, I do too. Tho you don't have to be asexual to not like kissing.

 

many asexuals have fantasies and masturbate. 

 

Are you asexual? I don't know, but I'm sure other people can help you find out! Good luck

[element83]

What you're experiencing is actually really normal.  Most couples don't actually have the whole butterflies-in-their-stomach or love-at-first-sight thing.  Even after the first date, most people aren't sure whether they want a second or not (which is why a lot of people wait a couple of days before they call to arrange another date -  it's good to have time to process how they feel about each other).  I'm about to celebrate my second anniversary with my boyfriend (and he still makes me really happy and I want to be with him).  When we first met, I didn't even notice him.  We met at a party, I remember meeting his friend, and he swears up and down that I met him, too, but as far as I was concerned, he didn't really stand out amongst the other guys that said hi to me, and I have no recollection of this whatsoever.  When we first started dating, I liked him a lot and for the most part thought he was kind of cute (mostly - not all the time, but usually).  We happened to get really serious really fast (because we moved in together right away - it's a long story and not super relevant here), so I think the diminished attraction came a lot later than the getting serious for us.  But almost all couples get to a point after they've been together for a while where they don't find each other as physically attractive as they used to.  Once the honeymoon period wears off a bit, you become more aware of their flaws (physical or otherwise).  I think for you this happened to coincide with things getting serious, but probably wasn't caused by things getting serious.  Most couples that have been together for a while tend to feel like they enjoy each other's company, but maybe aren't physically attracted in the same way as before (they start to experience "Old Relationship Energy" as opposed to "New Relationship Energy" - you can Google that for more info).

 

At any rate, I wouldn't worry about that part too much.  It's pretty normal, and doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him, with you, or with your relationship.

 

1 hour ago, ldap said:

I’ve never really felt much of a need for sex, and struggle to envisage myself having sex with anyone. It’s not very often that I really feel like kissing somebody; with the exception of my boyfriend when I’m apparently feeling a certain way, the only person that I’ve really particularly wanted to kiss is someone I’ve known and liked for a very long time, but I do have sexual fantasies, enjoy masturbation and seem to enjoy making out sometimes, and on occasion want to take things a bit further.

There's not really enough information to confidently say one way or another whether you're asexual, but from the fact that you occasionally want to make out or take things a bit further, you're probably not asexual. It's possible you're demisexual, but again not really enough information here.  My first thought based on what you've written here would be that you're sexual, but have a low sex drive.  I know a few sexual people that don't like kissing or making out, it's not as uncommon as you think.  And a lot of people (especially girls, or people over 30) don't feel much of a need for sex and aren't really that interested in it.  Sex drive is a spectrum as with everything else, and some people have a lot of it, and some people have less.  It's all normal and fine. 

[Guest]

If you arent in the mood at the moment and do something sexual anyway, the sick feeling is completely normal. Be honest with him and say not right now when you dont want to. If he is nice, he will respect the no. The more you do things when you arent into them, the more you will feel not that into him, most likely. 

 

As for where you fall, you have to decide. But, Im not ace and I dont want making out and "rubbing" all the time either. Most the time cuddling and hanging out is far better. You arent meant to be in the mood 24/7.