I feel trapped, frustrated, and guilty all in one...

[TSJ]

Hi all, 

I'm new to this site and I stumbled upon it in the same way as many of the people here did. I was struggling with the sexual aspect of my relationship and I was often wondering, what's wrong with me and what more can I do? My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. I'm 35 and he's 30. I had been single for almost a year, after getting out of an abusive relationship, and meeting my boyfriend was so refreshing. He was so sweet, caring, understanding, extremely funny, and he didn't rush to have sex. In fact, he was so patient that at one point I thought he was a virgin. Turns out he wasn't but he had only been in one committed sexual relationship before me and one oral fwb situation. After months of dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. We still didn't have sex right away but we talked about it and he seemed very confident in his abilities and he even made it seem like he thoroughly enjoyed sex. The first time was unplanned and it was only oral sex, me receiving, he didn't want anything in return. At that time, he admitted that he didn't enjoy receiving oral all that much and it was something he could live without. I found that odd, I enjoy giving as well as receiving, but everyone likes what they like. It was a while before we actually had intercourse, which I thought was just him being nervous, but when we did, it wasn't all that great. In fact, it was very awkward. I thought he just had sexual anxiety. He was not comfortable with me taking the lead at all or touching him very much. It was definitely different from what I was used too but over time it got a little better, never 100% satisfying but okay. Fast forward a few months into our relationship, things started to change. The relationship itself was good, he was still the same loving person, he was still so funny, and we had fun together. He was also ambitious and hardworking, so I chalked up the change in our sexual life to him just having a lot on his plate between work and grad school. But sex happened less and less until we weren't having sex at all. Weeks,  and at times,  months went by unless I said something and many times I would still get rejected but he seemed totally ok with that. I am a highly sexual person, I don't need it every day, but 2-4 times a week is good. Hell, once a week was better than what I was getting at this point. He initially claimed it was ED due to his diabetes. I thought so too, but he would wake with erections and I also found out that he was still masturbating with no problem. I was pissed about the masturbation because here I am sexually frustrated to no end, being rejected by my partner, and he's in the shower relieving himself at times. He then claimed to be too tired, I offered to take the lead, but he refused. I tried to spice things up, he resisted. I asked what his fantasies were and what he enjoyed most, he resisted. I tried dropping it all together, as I could see the frustration the pressure was causing him and life went on as if sex in a relationship wasn't all that important. In fact, I could see how much happier he was to not have me bother him about sex, but I was miserable. We changed our diet and started working, both losing a significant amount of weight, but in the end, it still didn't change our sexual relationship. In fact, it got even worse at that point. We began weightlifting. He was always an attractive guy, but he was becoming super sexy/chiseled and I could barely keep my hands off him, plus all the weight loss had me feeling super energized as well. Still, he resisted and rejected me. My body was looking great but my self-esteem was at an all-time low from all of the rejection. He assured me that he was very much attracted to me, but he just didn't really understand why he wasn't "in the mood". The turning point, and not a good one, was a vacation that we took together to Jamacia. The scene was so perfect, we had so much fun together, but it wasn't enough to get the sexual juices flowing for him. I, on the other hand, thought we would at least have one night of tropical island sex, but when I brought it up, he just said, "I'll think about" and that was the end of that. On the way back home, I felt defeated at that point, so much so that I was falling into a state of depression. I wanted to call it quits but he didn't, he didn't see anything wrong with our relationship. He agreed that he thought I was depressed and that it would pass. I kinda did too, plus I loved him dearly and this is where I began to feel somewhat trapped. Leave a man I love, because of sex? We fought about it often, until one point he finally admitted that he really didn't enjoy sex all that much that he never really did. He thought it was too much work to have sex and he didn't really feel anything from it. I threw out the idea that he may be asexual (I had already found the Aven website at this point), but he casually brushed it off, agreed to seek some counseling and as usual, nothing more came of it. After the vacation, I ran into an old friend, an old sexual partner. I didn't tell him everything but he knew I was unhappy in my relationship. After weeks of corresponding, I allowed myself to fall back into a sexual relationship with him. I admit that I felt guilt and shame but I felt free again. The sex was amazing and the release was like a dark cloud being lifted off of me. I only let it happen a few time as my conscience got the best of me and I ended it. I was embarrassed that I could sink so low and cheat on my partner. I felt guilty that I could disrespect my partner in that way and I had no one to blame but myself for making such dumb decisions. That was several months ago and currently, life feels like it is at a standstill. I have not told my partner about what I did, but I feel the guilt every day. He has said many times that things will change, but now, I know that they won't. He is still and a great guy and despite what I have done, I do love him. I have no desire to be with this other person at all. I guess I am here because I have no one else that I can talk to about this. Others will judge me for my wrongs and I know that they will judge my boyfriend too. I guess this is sort of way to release some of the frustration. Some days I am happy to have him in my life and others days I feel like I'm dying inside. I miss who I was and I miss being able to express myself sexually. He on the other is as content as can be. I could ramble on and on but what would be the point? I know the answer is probably "just leave the guy already", But this is the first time in my life that I don't know how. Ive ended plenty of relationships, shitty ones at that, but some days I feel I don't have a valid reason to do. I admit that I am lost and confused. How can such a thing be? How can someone be so good and be lacking something that I didn't even realize was so important to me until this point? How can sex be so much more important than a relationship with a person that I actually care about? 

[No longer active]

Hi. I'm so sorry for how you are feeling right now. I am on the other side of the coin, so I can't related exactly, but I do empathize as much as I can, for what it is worth.

 

I would never tell someone their only option was to leave their relationship. But, it is an option and might be what is best for you. I know that it would feel terrible, but if you feel like you need sex to be fulfilled and that no compromise can be reached, maybe it is for the best in the end. I don't think that's selfish. That's life. People end their relationships for because they're not meeting any assortment of needs. It does sound like sex is a need for you.

 

There are of course other options. You might agree to you having sexual relationships with other people. You might be able to talk out a compromise (though sounds like it is hard to talk about it). 

 

In any case, please don't feel like this makes you bad person. 

[Redwylde]

You need to tell him before anything else happens. The ball is in his court because he might feel like he can't be with you after what's happened, so I feel like any advice we give you on how to approach a relationship or compromise with him would be null.

[Roidgy]

If lack of sex is making you depressed, that is a valid enough reason to leave. 

 

Have you you asked your boyfriend for a compromise of letting you have sex with others so he doesn't feel pressured to do it? For couples that agree, it ends up working wonders.

[uhtred]

I'm sorry you are in this spot.

 

For many sexual people, a good sex life is *vital* to happiness - it is not a weakness, it is just how they are wired. In a similar vein many asexuals cannot enjoy or even tolerate frequent sex.   No fault - but a deep fundamental incompatibility. 

 

It is very unlikely to change with time for either. 

 

Having been in this situation, I do not fault you for finding sex outside your relationship. No one who hasn't been in this situation can really understand what it is like - the dark cloud is a very apt description. 

 

What you want is not wrong or unusual - what you want is the typical sexual relationship that most (but not all) loving couples have.  You just can never have that with your boyfriend.

 

What you do is up to you.  Having been in a similar situation for >30 years now, my advice is to end it.  You have your life ahead of you, don't live it under that cloud.  Don't be 60 rather than 35 and wondering what happened when it is too late to change. 

 

If you had been married a decade and had kids, I might suggest something different. 

 

You can't be happy like this, and unless you are going to spend your life lying to him, if he loves you he can't be happy if you are not happy.

 

 

[SithLord]

I think you should talk with him.  He needs to know what you did, but he also needs to know that your depression is because of sex.  I can relate more to your partner because im the ace in my relationship, and I can tell you that communication and openness is the only reason I havent driven my boyfriend into worse depression than he was in for a while.

 

I don't blame you for what you did. I only think your partner needs to know, and he needs to know why.

[Guest]

Lack of communication and being open lead to the affair. You need to fix that communication issue and, honestly, tell him what happened. Not blaming you, but the only way to make a mixed relationship work is open two way communication where both sides feel they can communicate their feelings and be heard. Doesnt sound like you two are there. 

 

But... you have a valid reason to leave. Sex is needed for emotional and mental well being for many sexual people. Love does not conquer all. You arent happy. He wont be happy with sex, it sounds like. If you cant find a good middle ground, it would be healthiest for both to end it and find people more compatible. 

[anisotrophic]

It might be that the question here isn't about whether to leave but... How to do it in the best way, if it is indeed best

 

He's brushed off the idea of asexuality. you can put a lot of effort into accepting and giving full respect and love for his sexual orientation, but you might also need to have that reciprocated for your own orientation

 

I find it hard to imagine being happy in a relationship if I couldn't feel my love and support for someone else's needs/interests was reciprocated... which might mean this isn't about the sex, but about the divide of different  needs/perspectives being too big to bridge

 

sexual orientation won't change, and even with fully loving understanding of each other (and don't force yourself to wait on this) you might both mutually come to agree that it should end

[TSJ]

Thank you all for your responses. It may be difficult to tell from my post, but I have been open and I have communicated my needs quite clearly. I have stated specifically how the lack of sex makes me feel, even informing him recently that I’m sure it is what causes me to feel depressed. I have also stated that going months without sex makes me feel like I am starving to death and it makes me want to sex elsewhere, his response was “do what you feel would make you happy”. On the other hand, when I approached the idea of an open relationship he made it clear that he his not comfortable with such a relationship. I have also attempted to confess my wrongdoings but each time, the only thing that would come out were tears. I’m trying to find the courage to just say it because the guilt and humiliation is eating away at me. I appreciate the support from those of you on the AVEN site. Just to be able to share my story is a big help. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, TSJ said:

Thank you all for your responses. It may be difficult to tell from my post, but I have been open and I have communicated my needs quite clearly. I have stated specifically how the lack of sex makes me feel, even informing him recently that I’m sure it is what causes me to feel depressed. I have also stated that going months without sex makes me feel like I am starving to death and it makes me want to sex elsewhere, his response was “do what you feel would make you happy”. On the other hand, when I approached the idea of an open relationship he made it clear that he his not comfortable with such a relationship. I have also attempted to confess my wrongdoings but each time, the only thing that would come out were tears. I’m trying to find the courage to just say it because the guilt and humiliation is eating away at me. I appreciate the support from those of you on the AVEN site. Just to be able to share my story is a big help. 

Expressing your needs doesn't mean you two have reached the point of open communication. It is a two way street. To reach a point where this can be a healthy relationship you need to be having conversations together rather than you talking and him kind of brushing it off. This may take an outside counselor of some sort, if you two can't figure out how to get there together. And it may end up ending your relationship anyway, because it may be too big an incompatibility. 

 

Basically... conversations should be more...

 

"I feel I need something. I would like us to be able to figure this out together."
"OK. What can we do about it?" 

 

Then ideas go back and forth. 

 

A big thing on your end is trying to phrase it as "I need" and "I feel" rather than "You don't..." "You aren't..." 

 

A big thing on his end is listening, responding with understanding and being willing to take part in what can we do about it conversations. 

 

When you say he isn't OK with open, what do you mean? What has he said? When he said do whatever you want, was it in an angry fight? Was it during calm talking? Do you think he just wouldn't be OK knowing about it, but would give you permission for a don't ask don't tell scenario? 

 

As for telling him, if you can't say it in words, perhaps writing a letter might be easier? 

[TSJ]

46 minutes ago, Serran said:

Expressing your needs doesn't mean you two have reached the point of open communication. It is a two way street. To reach a point where this can be a healthy relationship you need to be having conversations together rather than you talking and him kind of brushing it off. This may take an outside counselor of some sort, if you two can't figure out how to get there together. And it may end up ending your relationship anyway, because it may be too big an incompatibility. 

 

Basically... conversations should be more...

 

"I feel I need something. I would like us to be able to figure this out together."
"OK. What can we do about it?" 

 

Then ideas go back and forth. 

 

A big thing on your end is trying to phrase it as "I need" and "I feel" rather than "You don't..." "You aren't..." 

 

A big thing on his end is listening, responding with understanding and being willing to take part in what can we do about it conversations. 

 

When you say he isn't OK with open, what do you mean? What has he said? When he said do whatever you want, was it in an angry fight? Was it during calm talking? Do you think he just wouldn't be OK knowing about it, but would give you permission for a don't ask don't tell scenario? 

 

As for telling him, if you can't say it in words, perhaps writing a letter might be easier? 

I’ve said “I feel”, I’ve said “I need”, matter of fact, I say it often during our conversations.  I try my best not to put any blame on him for how I’m feeling because honestly, he’s not to blame for how I’m feeling. I choose to feel this way.  I’ve asked what can “we” do to figure this out? How can “we”make this work? His response is usually the same “I don’t know”. We rarely have “angry fights”. Our fights are usually pretty calm with one or both of us tearing up. His response regarding me being happy was during a very Calm moment. As for an open relationship, he stated that he did not want to be in that type of relationship. I have even flat out asked “what about how I feel, what about my needs” and his response was a very sad “I don’t know”. He acknowledges that he has full understanding of what is happening in our relationship with his words but at times I have my doubts if he truly understand. I have emailed and/or written long text messages hoping that written word would give him a better understanding and bring some type of compromise to our situation but it has not. I’m not sure what else to do to make him communicate more. I’ll definitely keep the idea about writing a letter to explain what I have done in mind.

[No longer active]

It might be the case that he feels shame, anxiety, and guilt about the whole situation and has a hard time expressing that and so just tries to shove it away and not deal with it. I remember that earlier in my marriage I felt so terrible that I'd just cry at the mere thought of what I might be doing to my husband. 

[Guest]

He probably wont ever truly understand. He cant relate to how you feel. Just as you cant really relate to how he feels. Often the needs of both are not being met. The one that doesnt want sex feels guilty, other and unable to connect. The one that wants it feels rejected, alone and unable to connect. 

 

Which puts things in the unfortunate position of sometimes there isnt a middle ground. 

 

When you talk to him about how you feel, how does he respond ? Has he offered any solutions ? Has he said if there are any sexual acts he likes or doesnt mind? Have you guys gone over a will wont want list ?

[TSJ]

3 minutes ago, Cinders said:

It might be the case that he feels shame, anxiety, and guilt about the whole situation and has a hard time expressing that and so just tries to shove it away and not deal with it. I remember that earlier in my marriage I felt so terrible that I'd just cry at the mere thought of what I might be doing to my husband. 

I always feel terrible. The thought of bringing it up always makes me feel like the bad guy because I always feel like I’m attacking who he is.

[No longer active]

Just now, TSJ said:

I always feel terrible. The thought of bringing it up always makes me feel like the bad guy because I always feel like I’m attacking who he is.

Oh I'm sure you do. I wasn't trying to imply you didn't. I was just trying to hypothesize as to why he doesn't engage in helpful conversations about it. 

[TSJ]

3 minutes ago, Serran said:

He probably wont ever truly understand. He cant relate to how you feel. Just as you cant really relate to how he feels. Often the needs of both are not being met. The one that doesnt want sex feels guilty, other and unable to connect. The one that wants it feels rejected, alone and unable to connect. 

 

Which puts things in the unfortunate position of sometimes there isnt a middle ground. 

 

When you talk to him about how you feel, how does he respond ? Has he offered any solutions ? Has he said if there are any sexual acts he likes or doesnt mind? Have you guys gone over a will wont want list ?

He hasn’t offered any solutions. I’ve asked what he’s willing to do or won’t do. His responses are usually “I don’t know” or sometimes he states that sexual feelings for him come and go, so doesn’t even really know what turns him on or excites him at times. I suggested we schedule sex and discussed what we both need and are willing to do, but that solution has fallen through like all the others.

[TSJ]

2 minutes ago, Cinders said:

Oh I'm sure you do. I wasn't trying to imply you didn't. I was just trying to hypothesize as to why he doesn't engage in helpful conversations about it. 

I know. I apologize if my wording seemed like I meant otherwise. I can often see the hurt in his eyes. It can be heartbreaking sometimes 

[No longer active]

2 minutes ago, TSJ said:

I know. I apologize if my wording seemed like I meant otherwise. I can often see the hurt in his eyes. It can be heartbreaking sometimes 

No worries. Even though I can't relate exactly, I really feel for you. You're obviously in so much pain and I'm so sorry for that.

[Telecaster68]

TSJ

 

Your partner's reaction sounds identical to my wife's - calm but clueless, and not seeming terribly interested in actually doing anything about a solution despite paying lip service to being willing. In the end I came to the conclusion that words not backed up by actions make their own statement about how much someone actually cares. I got depressed (as in diagnosable) and withdrew emotionally out of sheer self protection. Despite us never being less than amicable, after a few months it was clear the relationship wasn't working and she's moved out. 

 

Unilaterally closing down sex is very damaging to a relationship, but unilaterally closing down genuine communication is pretty much fatal. 

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, TSJ said:

He hasn’t offered any solutions. I’ve asked what he’s willing to do or won’t do. His responses are usually “I don’t know” or sometimes he states that sexual feelings for him come and go, so doesn’t even really know what turns him on or excites him at times. I suggested we schedule sex and discussed what we both need and are willing to do, but that solution has fallen through like all the others.

Does he offer any clue to what makes them come ? Or a timeline for it ? Has he ever tried to act on it when he feels them ?

 

I understand not getting your own sexuality. Mine is confusing. I feel sexually but its so easy to chase those feelings away and so hard to get them back. But, I dont know isnt a workable solution long term. 

 

If this is the best he can offer, it doesnt sound like enough for you. Which is fine and understandable. 

 

Though, if he just doesnt want, it would probably help to say that and be clear. The i dont know makes it harder for you, cause you cant choose a course of action based on a definite. 

[TSJ]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

TSJ

 

Your partner's reaction sounds identical to my wife's - calm but clueless, and not seeming terribly interested in actually doing anything about a solution despite paying lip service to being willing. In the end I came to the conclusion that words not backed up by actions make their own statement about how much someone actually cares. I got depressed (as in diagnosable) and withdrew emotionally out of sheer self protection. Despite us never being less than amicable, after a few months it was clear the relationship wasn't working and she's moved out. 

 

Unilaterally closing down sex is very damaging to a relationship, but unilaterally closing down genuine communication is pretty much fatal. 

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. How long were you married? I too feel that I’m just getting words with no real action behind them. It’s so frustrating as I watch him prioritize and work hard on so many other things, but not the one thing that is clearly destroying our relationship

[TSJ]

59 minutes ago, Serran said:

Does he offer any clue to what makes them come ? Or a timeline for it ? Has he ever tried to act on it when he feels them ?

 

I understand not getting your own sexuality. Mine is confusing. I feel sexually but its so easy to chase those feelings away and so hard to get them back. But, I dont know isnt a workable solution long term. 

 

If this is the best he can offer, it doesnt sound like enough for you. Which is fine and understandable. 

 

Though, if he just doesnt want, it would probably help to say that and be clear. The i dont know makes it harder for you, cause you cant choose a course of action based on a definite. 

No,no, and no. No clues, no timeline, no action. I given him permission to act on his feelings however he wants when they come but I’m starting to think that he doesn’t want to act on them. As I’ve said in my post, he’s had morning erections with absolutely no desire to do anything with them. I’ve tried lingerie. I’ve walked around naked. I’ve slept in the bed with him naked. He is and always has been affectionate and the touchy feely type but he has often said that for him, being affectionate and touching my body doesn’t really translate into sex in his mind. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, TSJ said:

As I’ve said in my post, he’s had morning erections with absolutely no desire to do anything with them.

Just for your own sanity... morning erections are a physiological response and aren’t necessarily related in any way to waking up horny/wanting to get off.  Some men do wake up “in the mood” (with or without morning erections), but the mere presence of a morning erection is not any indication of wanting sexual release (partnered, masturbation, etc.).

[MrDane]

21 hours ago, TSJ said:

Hi all, 

I'm new to this site and I stumbled upon it in the same way as many of the people here did. I was struggling with the sexual aspect of my relationship and I was often wondering, what's wrong with me and what more can I do? My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. I'm 35 and he's 30. I had been single for almost a year, after getting out of an abusive relationship, and meeting my boyfriend was so refreshing. He was so sweet, caring, understanding, extremely funny, and he didn't rush to have sex. In fact, he was so patient that at one point I thought he was a virgin. Turns out he wasn't but he had only been in one committed sexual relationship before me and one oral fwb situation. After months of dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed. We still didn't have sex right away but we talked about it and he seemed very confident in his abilities and he even made it seem like he thoroughly enjoyed sex. The first time was unplanned and it was only oral sex, me receiving, he didn't want anything in return. At that time, he admitted that he didn't enjoy receiving oral all that much and it was something he could live without. I found that odd, I enjoy giving as well as receiving, but everyone likes what they like. It was a while before we actually had intercourse, which I thought was just him being nervous, but when we did, it wasn't all that great. In fact, it was very awkward. I thought he just had sexual anxiety. He was not comfortable with me taking the lead at all or touching him very much. It was definitely different from what I was used too but over time it got a little better, never 100% satisfying but okay. Fast forward a few months into our relationship, things started to change. The relationship itself was good, he was still the same loving person, he was still so funny, and we had fun together. He was also ambitious and hardworking, so I chalked up the change in our sexual life to him just having a lot on his plate between work and grad school. But sex happened less and less until we weren't having sex at all. Weeks,  and at times,  months went by unless I said something and many times I would still get rejected but he seemed totally ok with that. I am a highly sexual person, I don't need it every day, but 2-4 times a week is good. Hell, once a week was better than what I was getting at this point. He initially claimed it was ED due to his diabetes. I thought so too, but he would wake with erections and I also found out that he was still masturbating with no problem. I was pissed about the masturbation because here I am sexually frustrated to no end, being rejected by my partner, and he's in the shower relieving himself at times. He then claimed to be too tired, I offered to take the lead, but he refused. I tried to spice things up, he resisted. I asked what his fantasies were and what he enjoyed most, he resisted. I tried dropping it all together, as I could see the frustration the pressure was causing him and life went on as if sex in a relationship wasn't all that important. In fact, I could see how much happier he was to not have me bother him about sex, but I was miserable. We changed our diet and started working, both losing a significant amount of weight, but in the end, it still didn't change our sexual relationship. In fact, it got even worse at that point. We began weightlifting. He was always an attractive guy, but he was becoming super sexy/chiseled and I could barely keep my hands off him, plus all the weight loss had me feeling super energized as well. Still, he resisted and rejected me. My body was looking great but my self-esteem was at an all-time low from all of the rejection. He assured me that he was very much attracted to me, but he just didn't really understand why he wasn't "in the mood". The turning point, and not a good one, was a vacation that we took together to Jamacia. The scene was so perfect, we had so much fun together, but it wasn't enough to get the sexual juices flowing for him. I, on the other hand, thought we would at least have one night of tropical island sex, but when I brought it up, he just said, "I'll think about" and that was the end of that. On the way back home, I felt defeated at that point, so much so that I was falling into a state of depression. I wanted to call it quits but he didn't, he didn't see anything wrong with our relationship. He agreed that he thought I was depressed and that it would pass. I kinda did too, plus I loved him dearly and this is where I began to feel somewhat trapped. Leave a man I love, because of sex? We fought about it often, until one point he finally admitted that he really didn't enjoy sex all that much that he never really did. He thought it was too much work to have sex and he didn't really feel anything from it. I threw out the idea that he may be asexual (I had already found the Aven website at this point), but he casually brushed it off, agreed to seek some counseling and as usual, nothing more came of it. After the vacation, I ran into an old friend, an old sexual partner. I didn't tell him everything but he knew I was unhappy in my relationship. After weeks of corresponding, I allowed myself to fall back into a sexual relationship with him. I admit that I felt guilt and shame but I felt free again. The sex was amazing and the release was like a dark cloud being lifted off of me. I only let it happen a few time as my conscience got the best of me and I ended it. I was embarrassed that I could sink so low and cheat on my partner. I felt guilty that I could disrespect my partner in that way and I had no one to blame but myself for making such dumb decisions. That was several months ago and currently, life feels like it is at a standstill. I have not told my partner about what I did, but I feel the guilt every day. He has said many times that things will change, but now, I know that they won't. He is still and a great guy and despite what I have done, I do love him. I have no desire to be with this other person at all. I guess I am here because I have no one else that I can talk to about this. Others will judge me for my wrongs and I know that they will judge my boyfriend too. I guess this is sort of way to release some of the frustration. Some days I am happy to have him in my life and others days I feel like I'm dying inside. I miss who I was and I miss being able to express myself sexually. He on the other is as content as can be. I could ramble on and on but what would be the point? I know the answer is probably "just leave the guy already", But this is the first time in my life that I don't know how. Ive ended plenty of relationships, shitty ones at that, but some days I feel I don't have a valid reason to do. I admit that I am lost and confused. How can such a thing be? How can someone be so good and be lacking something that I didn't even realize was so important to me until this point? How can sex be so much more important than a relationship with a person that I actually care about? 

It comes down to a sheer ‘cost-benefit’ analyzis. Personally, I have to struggle to keep my demons/my depression at bay, and physical fun and sweet words can give me the affirmation I need. If I get depressed, then even the brigth colours turn grey.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Just for your own sanity... morning erections are a physiological response and aren’t necessarily related in any way to waking up horny/wanting to get off.  Some men do wake up “in the mood” (with or without morning erections), but the mere presence of a morning erection is not any indication of wanting sexual release (partnered, masturbation, etc.).

True. Ive been told it just means you have to pee by some guys. 

[NapoliGirl]

10 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Unilaterally closing down sex is very damaging to a relationship, but unilaterally closing down genuine communication is pretty much fatal. 

Indeed, talk is cheap.  My husband would do the "I don't know" over and over and over.  It was the same response to everything for years, and I mean years.  Then  I suggested couples counseling.  Didn't get anything more of substance out of him communication-wise, but did get perfunctory sex maybe twice during those few month, but it was so painful emotionally for both of us; he having to muscle through it, and me now knowing why after all those years. 

 

He just wouldn't/couldn't/was truly unable to open up even in the face of our last-ditch efforts. The frustration for him is incredible all the way around and I don't know what else I can do to help him get through all of this.  He will not pursue individual counseling as I have suggested, especially in light of navigating through our divorce.  I continue to go for myself, mainly to let go of the sorrow that I am experiencing so deeply right now, because of the pain I am inflicting upon him, as well as the pain in dissolving the family unit and of me letting go of this relationship of nearly 30 years.

 

I am not sure what advice I can offer to you apart from what the posts here suggest.  Open marriage for you seems to be a non viable option.  Compromise on your part seems like it's making you terribly unhappy, and doesn't sound sustainable?? So then living without seems like the only thing left on the table for you?  

[Lara Black]

Hello, @TSJ

I’m sorry to hear about your situation – it sounds tough. So, there’s a few things you really need to understand and accept deep inside.

1. Your partner doesn’t want/need sex and won’t start spontaneously wanting it.

2. For you sex is important – it’s not a bad or a good thing, it’s just something you need for your mental health.

3. Things won’t get better unless you two make them work.

In a mixed couple, there are compromises and mutually pleasant solutions possible. It depends on what ace likes or can tolerate neutrally. Some couples have scheduled sex, others don’t have traditional sex but do sex-like things that let the sexual climax and feel desired, others still open their relationship for the sexual to have sex somewhere else. However, it’s all possible only after an open, calm discussion when both parties are ready to work on the relationship. In your situation the problem seems to be that it’s much easier for your partner to make good promises than to actually change anything. And you don’t push for real changes. So you might need to set a specific time limit and a plan – in what time period and what exactly should get better. For example, after two months you’ll start having sex once per week, or he will find a way to satisfy you sexually without it being unpleasant for him… or what precisely is supposed to get “better”?

It might sound rough or make you a bad guy in your eyes, but think about it like this – if your partner broke as many promises in any other field of your life (money, health, anything), would you forgive him? The next question, depending on your answer, would be either, “Why don’t you defend sex as much as you would everything else?” or “Why is it OK for him to make empty promises in your relationships?”

Basically, you need to decide how much you’re ready to protect your own interest and whether you’re both ready to calmly negotiate this with your partner. If you’re not or he isn’t, then breaking up seems to be the only option – not because of sex, though, but because improving a relationship is impossible. If both of you are can work and are really to change things in order to save the relationship, then you still might be happy together.

[Telecaster68]

20 hours ago, TSJ said:

How long were you married?

19 years, and in retrospect, sex was on the slide from fairly early on, but there was always a reason... always a reason....

[SithLord]

21 hours ago, TSJ said:

He hasn’t offered any solutions. I’ve asked what he’s willing to do or won’t do. His responses are usually “I don’t know” or sometimes he states that sexual feelings for him come and go, so doesn’t even really know what turns him on or excites him at times. I suggested we schedule sex and discussed what we both need and are willing to do, but that solution has fallen through like all the others.

Honestly... it sounds like your relationship needs either you to put your foot down and demand for him to help or to come to terms with what the relationship is doing for you, or for you to separate. 

I understand his situation, I've cause my partner to feel terribly depressed and I hate that part of our relationship. It only improved when he put his foot down and got angry at me for being uncooperative or selfish. 

[Telecaster68]

Out of interest - since I'm no longer in a relationship with an asexual - what was going on in your head while you were behaving like that?