Salmiakki

Is it possible to enjoy sexual fantasies and be sex-averse at the same time?

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Salmiakki

I’ve been trying to figure out how to say this as shortly and clearly as possible. Basically I have sexual fantasies regularly and I’m always in the fantasies and involved in the act and it's always with the same specific person. Most of them are non-consensual and rather violent so I obviously wouldn’t want to do that in real life. Sometimes I fantasize about consensual things but I don’t think I would want to do those things in real life either, well I’m not sure... Fantasizing kinda takes me to a completely another place, it’s like another world and I find it so comfortable and safe.

Fantasies never cause me any distress and when I think about having sex with the person I fantasize about I can do it comfortably because I know it’s not real and nothing is really going to happen. But outside of that when I think about what it would be like to have sex in real life I kinda freak out? I don’t want to have sex and the thought of actually having sex really disgusts me and it makes me very anxious and scared. Like I’m very repulsed by the idea of having sex in real life. Is this normal? 

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Suigin

It sounds to me like you could be autochorissexual, which is on the asexual spectrum (I'm not an expert so someone correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe you could look into that? 

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Thea2

I have only read the title, and based on that I say YES, TOTALLY. 😊

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Salmiakki
2 minutes ago, Suigin said:

It sounds to me like you could be autochorissexual, which is on the asexual spectrum (I'm not an expert so someone correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe you could look into that? 

But don't autochorissexuals only fantasize in third person?

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Yeast

Either it is or we are both rather strange. I prefer the former assumption. I have never wanted sex. I do enjoy sexual fantasies although I imagine myself just watching and not participating. I suppose I can say I do experience sexual attraction but it does not extend beyond myself. Autochorissexual? Labels are all right I suppose but my favorite is "me".

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Suigin

So on 'asexuals wiki' (http://asexuals.wikia.com/wiki/Autochorissexual) they say "A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein." I think beyond that you can define it. 

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Salmiakki

 

9 minutes ago, Suigin said:

So on 'asexuals wiki' (http://asexuals.wikia.com/wiki/Autochorissexual) they say "A disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein." I think beyond that you can define it. 

It does kinda sound like me

 

Well there definitely is a disconnection between me and him. And I have never fantasized about a "real" person aka someone I know in real life, or desired to have sex

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Vampyre Dani

Huh... That kinda sounds like me. That thing about feeling disconnected. Fantasies can be enjoyable and amusing, but I don't feel much desire to do anything IRL. It's like, meh... And yeah, sometimes I feel sex averse, particularly with certain sexual acts. Sex is a weird thing for me... (-_-) 

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Fluffy Femme Guy

"Is it possible to enjoy sexual fantasies and be sex-averse at the same time?"
Yes.

"Autochorissexual"
Yup. Sums me up pretty well.

I incredibly dislike the physical aspect of it all.
I don't like being touched erotically, esp. not my genitals, inner parts of thighs. And I'm not one to do any touching like that either.
I also like my personal space. I don't mind hugs, but the thought of somebody lying on me and pressing their face and body up to mine... 😨😬
Even if they were fully clothed.

Just...
no.

I don't inherently dislike physical sensations (I love a good rush from an intense bike ride or a roller coaster), but the 'sexy' type is not my thing at all.
I'd feel uncomfortable at best an assaulted at worst.

I don't like spooning either. Even if it's non sexual.

And RL sex is all those things (and more! 😒) all at the same time.

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Skycaptain

Perfectly possible. A fantasy is just that, a fiction, a disassociation from reality. Just because folk fantasise about something doesn't mean that they are going to do this in reality 

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Salmiakki

I felt like it’s weird to fantasize about having sex with someone and be repulsed by the idea of having sex at the same time… idk sexuality is weird and confusing 😅 thank you for the responses 

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sithgirlix
6 hours ago, Suigin said:

It sounds to me like you could be autochorissexual, which is on the asexual spectrum (I'm not an expert so someone correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe you could look into that? 

Holy shit you just opened my eyes... Ive never heard of that before. I might be one!

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Nowhere Girl

I'm sex-averse too and I have fantasies too - however, only in third person precisely because the idea of personally having sex feels too distressing to me. And nothing violent, I hate thinking about even just "rough sex". I prefer imagining vanilla gay sex.

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Tunhope

A fair amount of research is available that shows that having sexual fantasies and being asexual in general (general in the sense that I  haven't seen a direct link with the words averse, repulsed etc) is not at all uncommon, but, as far as I know, @Salmiakki is right, autochorissexuality refers to fantasising in the third person. That is, the person doing the fantasising is not involved in the fantasy. I prefer the word aegosexual (or, anegosexual)  as  when the term autochorissexual was coined, it was linked to voyeurism.  

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Salmiakki

@Tunhope I know many aces have sexual fantasies

 

I asked this because I don’t think it’s very common for aces to fantasize about having sex with someone AND be repulsed by the idea of actually having sex. It felt kinda paradoxical to me. Why am I repulsed by the idea of having sex in real life but have no problem with fantasizing about having sex? Idk it just doesn’t make sense to me. Anyway I know that I have never in my life desired to have sex and I still don’t and I’m pretty sure I never will. The thought of having sex is just very repulsive, off-putting and uninteresting. I’d be completely happy with never having sex. But I do like fantasizing, and I can get aroused by people. I can find people sexy etc. I have just started to realize that I am ace. I mean I have always kind of known that but I never really thought too much of it. It’s just that cause I like sex, just not enough to want to have it myself. I have always found people sexually attractive and been able to get aroused by them so I think that’s a little confusing.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
37 minutes ago, Salmiakki said:

I asked this because I don’t think it’s very common for aces to fantasize about having sex with someone AND be repulsed by the idea of actually having sex. It felt kinda paradoxical to me.

I was once actually in a relationship, and everything was totally cool until she made it known she wanted to get sexual.
I didn't show it outwardly, but inwardly, I was totally freaking out, and think stuff like "WHAT!? No! Why do you want that!?" along with other thoughts like "I should want to, but I don't. Why is that?"
I could barely talk to her after that because I was so terrified and it wasn't long before she broke up with me, and I was fine with it.

It's really too bad I didn't manage to figure *any* of this out earlier.

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Nowhere Girl
9 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

@Tunhope I know many aces have sexual fantasies

 

I asked this because I don’t think it’s very common for aces to fantasize about having sex with someone AND be repulsed by the idea of actually having sex. It felt kinda paradoxical to me. Why am I repulsed by the idea of having sex in real life but have no problem with fantasizing about having sex? Idk it just doesn’t make sense to me. Anyway I know that I have never in my life desired to have sex and I still don’t and I’m pretty sure I never will. The thought of having sex is just very repulsive, off-putting and uninteresting. I’d be completely happy with never having sex. But I do like fantasizing, and I can get aroused by people. I can find people sexy etc. I have just started to realize that I am ace. I mean I have always kind of known that but I never really thought too much of it. It’s just that cause I like sex, just not enough to want to have it myself. I have always found people sexually attractive and been able to get aroused by them so I think that’s a little confusing.

I have rather similar feelings, with the exception that I don't fantasise in first person. I prefer to consider myself asexual, or "at least effectively asexual", because my nudity aversion / sex aversion combo makes me genuinely unable to desire sex - which means I wholly "fit" in the desire-based definition of asexuality. But I do experience something which is more than just esthetic attraction and I have been wondering over something found in several discussions here, so I finally (recently) decided to create a separate topic about it:

 

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kiaroskuro

Reading your story made me feel a little less weird, @Salmiakki, thanks for sharing. I've experienced something vaguely similar to what you described, and it seemed extremely parodoxical.

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bre_1234
On 9/22/2018 at 5:27 PM, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

incredibly dislike the physical aspect of it all.
I don't like being touched erotically, esp. not my genitals, inner parts of thighs. And I'm not one to do any touching like that either.
I also like my personal space. I don't mind hugs, but the thought of somebody lying on me and pressing their face and body up to mine... 😨😬
Even if they were fully clothed.

Its good to know that others feel the same way as me. My best friends are like yea sex is amazing and i just think to myself how can it be pleasurable to have someone on top of you?

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Nowhere Girl
16 hours ago, bre_1234 said:

Its good to know that others feel the same way as me. My best friends are like yea sex is amazing and i just think to myself how can it be pleasurable to have someone on top of you? 

Well, this isn't necessary. Not all sex is straight and even in straight sex the man doesn't have to be on top. But such considerations don't make sex any less scary to me.

I've read a hint-question somewhere - on the Polish asexuality forum? - something like: "What is the aspect of sex which makes it unappealing, disgusting, anxiety-inducing to you? If sex hypothetically didn't have that characteristic, would you be able to desire it?". For me there are several aspects which make sex so frightening, disgusting and impossible-to-desire for me - aversion to body fluids, disgust with touching intimate body parts, the primal fear of having someone do something to my body... But really, the first one that comes to my mind is nudity. I experience it as a kind of force field surrounding my sex aversion as a whole - because my nudity aversion (intense fear of being naked in someone else's presence) precludes being able to make any attempts. I absolutely don't regret it, on the contrary - I feel that my nudity aversion is one of things which protect me. But it just comes so much in front of everything else... Sometimes people wonder "What is sex (and what isn't), really?", "If I have done X, does it mean that I have had sex or not?" - my nudity aversion precludes almost anything which has something to do with partnered sex.

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