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scaredhubby

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Married 14 years. I met my wife in her 30s. Beautiful woman (still is absolutely gorgeous) who had been in 3 relationships. First relationship after being a hypersexual party girl in her early teens  (she was raped at 13 and 17 and thought "that's just what I was supposed to do"..never orgasmed unless by herself but started at 9) was with a wildly older guy ( she17 and he 43). They only had sex twice in 6 months." It wasn't like that"  Both other relationships were very sexual but the guys both cheated. We were hypersexual at first...I mean everything every day..it was nuts for a few years.  Then came the baby and things slowed down. Nothing new there. Recently (over a year) I got on testosterone (prescribed) and tried to kick start the love life ( blindfold, dim lights on..nothing crazy)  to no avail. Sex was exactly the same, once every 3-4 weeks for years and I was fine with that which is why I went on testosterone (shape up and have more libido..the comercials all say she'll appreciate it too..wrong). I thought..new thinner muscly body..its party time. Nope. I started noticing (because now the lights were on) that she always clamps her eyes shut, has no facial expressions, avoids touching or looking and my man parts. When she does see them, there's a look of disgust. If she does have to touch me, its with two fingers (like shes picking up a dead squirrel)  and a concerned look. Sex is always in the same (awkward uncomfortable position for me.. I'm sideways while she's supine ) position with a vibrator. She won't compromise on changing that position at all.  Works every time for her. I just get a backache.There's lots of me doing her orally before that. Never EVER vice versa. Last BJ was 13 years ago. She always climaxes..hard every time. When its "my turn" there's no touching me..no oral. It has to be in one or two positions and I better be quick.. She shows no enthusiasm..it's kinda like just she's going through the motions...silent...no moans..eyes clamped shut... no facial expressions. Not exactly a turn on for me.  I finally confronted her and she said she's not attracted to my man parts or my body. "I'm not sexually attracted to you but I love you." Touching, looking at "down there" grosses her out. Keep in mind I'm in great shape. I lift weights daily and have a good, well groomed albeit 52 year old body. 5'11' 170 lbs. Then she said the kicker. "Its not just you. I don't like penises. I'm not sexually attracted to you but I'm not sexually attracted to anybody. I'm heterosexual because if I have to have sex, I'd rather it be with a man but men's bodies don't turn me on. ANY mans body. Actually penises are gross. Yours is the only one I'll tolerate")  Tolerate? Wow..thats a turn on. She actually gagged when they showed a penis on a ripped guy on a tv show. Not some big gross guy. " <gag>..oh god yuck. that's disgusting! I don't want to see that! ewwwww!"  As a man of course..this made no sense. I mean I'm not turned on but I'm also not gagging. So you love me and at one point you were sexually attracted to me and we were hypersexual but now you are turned off, actually grossed out by looking at my body? "yes"  Are you gay? " No. I don't like girl parts either. "So porn doesn't turn you on?  "Nope. I think its funny"." Sex isn't important to me. I just don't get tingly much anymore..no sex drive." Then I saw the vibrator was moving around a lot. She denied it but it was. She was masturbating about 2-3 times per week. So she gets plenty tingly but only by herself. I asked what to you fantasize when you're clamping your eyes shut? She said, "I don't fantasize about anything. I concentrate on the feeling." Naturally I felt rejected, ugly, thought the love was gone and I was screwed. My first wife pulled the same thing..told me the same thing..then cheated..so yeah..trust issues. Then I found this site and she shows all of the symptoms of being somewhere on the asexual spectrum. She's not attracted to men or women but has only been with men, prefers to take care of herself with the vibrator, stayed celibate 3 years in between her first marriage and me (aside from masturbating). Was in very loving relationship where sex was not important but she "really loved" that guy.  Sex is rare and if she never had to do it again, she'd be perfectly happy, no desire to touch or see me naked, is grossed out by sex on tv., is grossed out by my penis. She orgasms harder during actual sex but prefers not to have others involved in her sex life very often, even someone she loves. My thought is that if you really love somebody and they're in great shape, you'd have a sexual attraction. If its hormones or lack thereof, you wouldn't get horny and masturbate that often but if the love is gone, you can be unattracted to the most handsome guy on the planet. Hence my concern that the love is gone and so is the attraction. She assures me, that's not the case. I know..I know. my case is way better that most in that we have an amazing relationship and still have sex but it's a real boner shrinker to know your girl is totally turned off by your body. And it can be a relationship killer if you have trust issues as I do. I recently promised to not push sex on her or surprise her. Date night, if there is one has to be initiated by her with no outside pressure. Lights out or she can wear a mask.  I even bought her a new stronger vibrator as a peace offering with the promise that I kinda THINK I understand her and she can and should vibe away whenever as often as she wants with no snooping or jealousy. I've asked her to see a psychologist just to make sure she doesn't have daddy issues (dating a guy almost her dad's age) or penis aversion from the rapes. I also understand that asexuality is a real thing and I've read that sexuality can be fluid throughout your life and there's no "fixing" that. Can some of you asexual females out there who are happily married or dating help me understand a bit better? Can you really love someone and be turned off by them (assuming there are no hygiene/appearance issue)? How does your significant other person handle it? If its that important to your significant other, why not lube up and pretend its fun to make them happy? I kinda get it but help from the community would make me feel better. Thanks.

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Re lube up and pretend its fun... uh. Not easy. I tried to be less out of it during sex but it feels tiring and draining and exhausting. 40 minutes of sex was worse than a 10 hour shift at work for tiring me out. Its the emotional and mental exhaustion of trying to not totally hate it. 

 

Now, Im not ace - but I also dont like intercourse or oral. And I wasnt attracted to my exes sexually, despite caring about them. I am to my current. What we do is limited but we both dont want the rest.

 

As for penis repulsion.. I kinda get it. They are floppy and weird and ew. Sorry, but they are. Vaginas are worse. And the body fluids... gross ! However, I dont think of all that when I desire sexual stuff with my spouse. I just think of i love them and its fun. The repulsion bit goes away. With my exes though.. desire wasnt there so i did think about it. And I admit, I probably made one feel bad by looking utterly disgusted and running away to soap up my hands after he orgasmed and it got on me. And I almost vomited the one time it got in my mouth. 

 

My spouse is grossed out by genitals as well and body fluids. I just dont take it personal when she goes "yuck" looks grossed out and has to wash her hands right away. 

 

Maybe some gloves might help her with touching what she finds gross? Or doing it over silk boxers or something?

 

For you... I dont know how to help you feel unsexy. Some people just find genitals gross. Even those of us who desire people sexually can. Doesnt mean the rest of you isnt attractive to her. 

 

 

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There’s a huge difference between desiring someone sexually and having a sex drive.  Many asexual people have sex drives, masturbate, use toys, use porn, etc.  What sets asexual people apart is that they don’t desire sex with other people.  Some actually find sex repulsive, others do not.

 

None of that (for asexual people; for some sexual people this is not true) has anything to do with how much they love other people.  Sex is not a “generator” of love for asexual people, I guess you could say.

 

If your wife is asexual, nothing you can do will change that.  It’s not that you aren’t fit enough, sexy enough, attractive enough, etc.  It’s the same as men for you, assuming you are straight and not bi...  nothing another guy does would make you want him, because you just don’t want guys sexually.

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37 minutes ago, scaredhubby said:

If its that important to your significant other, why not lube up and pretend its fun to make them happy?

If she’s ace, this is basically what she’s been doing since her teens.  Maybe she eventually got tired of it?

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17 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

There’s a huge difference between desiring someone sexually and having a sex drive.  Many asexual people have sex drives, masturbate, use toys, use porn, etc.  What sets asexual people apart is that they don’t desire sex with other people.  Some actually find sex repulsive, others do not.

 

None of that (for asexual people; for some sexual people this is not true) has anything to do with how much they love other people.  Sex is not a “generator” of love for asexual people, I guess you could say.

 

If your wife is asexual, nothing you can do will change that.  It’s not that you aren’t fit enough, sexy enough, attractive enough, etc.  It’s the same as men for you, assuming you are straight and not bi...  nothing another guy does would make you want him, because you just don’t want guys sexually.

I agree. If she's truly asexual or at somewhere on the spectrum , we need to set boundries, promise truthfulness and understanding. We're just at the beginning of trying to figure things out. I thought she had to be lying (ex wife trauma) Then I found this site. There's hope! I mean she checked most of the boxes before we even knew it was a thing. Its the fluidity of sexual identities that confuses me because I'm hetero and a guy. My sexuality has never been fluid but I'm finding out that its actually a thing. thanks

 

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It sounds like you're trying to ask if your wife is asexual, I know a lot of life partners come here to ask "if my partner fits", although it does sound like your partner is on the 'ace spectrum', is that going to make you feel better? Even if you know the "cause" to the "symptoms", there's no cure to asexuality.

 

There are so many stories like this and it makes me so sad for the sexual partners, it must be hard to not be desired when sexuals experience desire as a part of romance and a healthy relationship. The incompatibility seems to always take it's toll on the sexuals and asexuals differently but still hard for both of them. On the other hand, being ace in a sexual world is really hard, especially when there's hardly any information or visibility in the outside world about what you're feeling.

 

It seems like your wife is somewhere on the greyscale, maybe partially demisexual since she seems sexually attracted only to you. Also, physical repulsion of genitals can be found in any sexuality I think.

 

 

It's always a bit offensive when people think you're asexual and then think "you need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist", it sounds like trauma invalidates asexuality, which isn't the case, take it from me.

 

Loving someone and having sexual desire can be separate or in sync with each other, depending on the person, no two people with the same identity act exactly the same.

 

I can't offer you any real insight because I'm aromantic and asexual and virginal, but there are resources on AVEN for partners I think, hopefully this helps you.

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24 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

If she’s ace, this is basically what she’s been doing since her teens.  Maybe she eventually got tired of it?

Yeah, I've read that a lot of people "fake it until you make it", but no one can live a lie forever.

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21 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

If she’s ace, this is basically what she’s been doing since her teens.  Maybe she eventually got tired of it?

Could be but I think earlier she was more demi sexual. She enjoyed sex but only if there was an emotional attachment. Very few partners after 17 but very sexual with them and me. My fear is that she may be demi sexual and our emotional attachment is dwindling. Hoping that's not the case. She says its not. I have to trust her. problem is I keep asking questions and she gets defensive. If I keep it up, we may lose the emotional bond. But I can't stop while trying to figure it out.

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14 minutes ago, The Dryad said:

It sounds like you're trying to ask if your wife is asexual, I know a lot of life partners come here to ask "if my partner fits", although it does sound like your partner is on the 'ace spectrum', is that going to make you feel better? Even if you know the "cause" to the "symptoms", there's no cure to asexuality.

 

There are so many stories like this and it makes me so sad for the sexual partners, it must be hard to not be desired when sexuals experience desire as a part of romance and a healthy relationship. The incompatibility seems to always take it's toll on the sexuals and asexuals differently but still hard for both of them. On the other hand, being ace in a sexual world is really hard, especially when there's hardly any information or visibility in the outside world about what you're feeling.

 

It seems like your wife is somewhere on the greyscale, maybe partially demisexual since she seems sexually attracted only to you. Also, physical repulsion of genitals can be found in any sexuality I think.

 

 

It's always a bit offensive when people think you're asexual and then think "you need to see a psychiatrist or psychologist", it sounds like trauma invalidates asexuality, which isn't the case, take it from me.

 

Loving someone and having sexual desire can be separate or in sync with each other, depending on the person, no two people with the same identity act exactly the same.

 

I can't offer you any real insight because I'm aromantic and asexual and virginal, but there are resources on AVEN for partners I think, hopefully this helps you.

The only thing that has kept me sane is to think that she's on the spectrum. Thank the universe for this website. If she's asexual I know I cant change her. If she's not and she's lying, then she's not sexually attracted to me but could be to others. That's a potential marriage ender if affairs follow.. Like I said before, my ex wife said the exact same thing then had an affair. For me it just follows logically. Physical attraction +emotional attachment= sexual attraction but I understand now that its not the case for everybody. My sending her to a psychologist/ counselor isn't cure her but to give a 3rd party to speak to who she can't hurt their feelings if she answers wrong. 

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11 minutes ago, scaredhubby said:

Could be but I think earlier she was more demi sexual. She enjoyed sex but only if there was an emotional attachment. Very few partners after 17 but very sexual with them and me. My fear is that she may be demi sexual and our emotional attachment is dwindling. Hoping that's not the case. She says its not. I have to trust her. problem is I keep asking questions and she gets defensive. If I keep it up, we may lose the emotional bond. But I can't stop while trying to figure it out.

That’s possible, but it sounds more like she’s been consistent all along and is just having trouble keeping up illusions now.

 

If your sexual performance/interest seemed to be flagging pre-testosterone, she might have (been pleased about that, and) taken your decision to go on testosterone as a sign that her life was about to get worse...

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2 minutes ago, scaredhubby said:

My sending her to a psychologist/ counselor isn't cure her but to give a 3rd party to speak to who she can't hurt their feelings if she answers wrong. 

...which is certainly good and thoughtful, but she has to want that audience.  If she doesn’t it’s going to feel like you’re suggesting she needs fixing.

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1 minute ago, scaredhubby said:

Like I said before, my ex wife said the exact same thing then had an affair. For me it just follows logically. Physical attraction +emotional attachment= sexual attraction but I understand now that its not the case for everybody. My sending her to a psychologist/ counselor isn't cure her but to give a 3rd party to speak to who she can't hurt their feelings if she answers wrong. 

Professional counseling would probably be best, especially a specialist in sex and realtionships, for the both of you and can probably find ways to create a healthy marriage for both of you, for both of your mental healths and general overall well-being.

 

@ryn2 is right about suggesting therapy can be seen as offensive.

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

That’s possible, but it sounds more like she’s been consistent all along and is just having trouble keeping up illusions now.

 

If your sexual performance/interest seemed to be flagging pre-testosterone, she might have (been pleased about that, and) taken your decision to go on testosterone as a sign that her life was about to get worse...

Actually she encouraged it because I was eating little and gaining weight. I even suggested quitting so my drive would decrease and I wouldn't care and she said no, you were miserable before. I don't want top stop because at this point I look good and it allows me to have at least a little self esteem.

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Ah, okay.  Obviously talking to her will give you a more accurate view of where she’s at than we can.

 

Agreed, if you feel good taking T and your doctor thinks it makes sense no reason not to.

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4 hours ago, scaredhubby said:

Could be but I think earlier she was more demi sexual. She enjoyed sex but only if there was an emotional attachment. Very few partners after 17 but very sexual with them and me. My fear is that she may be demi sexual and our emotional attachment is dwindling. Hoping that's not the case. She says its not. I have to trust her. problem is I keep asking questions and she gets defensive. If I keep it up, we may lose the emotional bond. But I can't stop while trying to figure it out.

Im one who needs a deep emotional connection. But, im also one who if that doesnt develop can have sex a lot and seem to like it at the beginning due to how much I love the person... even though i dont like it at all really. She could just have filled up her quota of sex she can enjoy without desire. Eventually you reach a point where its like OK, enough ... no more. Doesnt mean you love the person less. Just means this thing you dont want for you but have done for them is too much and not enjoyable anymore. 

 

But if your ex did this and cheated, probably only time and reassurance will help you trust. Be open with her about needing that extra assurance. 

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On 9/22/2018 at 3:33 PM, scaredhubby said:

 I asked what to you fantasize when you're was clamping your eyes shut? She said, "I don't fantasize about anything. I concentrate on the feeling." Naturally I felt rejected, ugly, thought the love was gone and I was screwed.

Quote

 

Your wife said she does not fantasize about  anything, that she focuses on the feeling. Can she visually fantasize? I am a Demisexual man, I have Aphantasia, I cannot visually fantasize

 

 

 

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

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5 hours ago, Cinders said:

The biggest things I can't do are pretend to have visual attraction that I simply don't have and pretend to enjoy things I simply don't enjoy. When he accepted those things, all the pressure felt like it had been lifted and I could just do those things I'm comfortable doing out of love and not lust.

And you sound so much like my partner - not experiencing desire, attraction, no fantasies. :)

He's not sex repulsed at all, so he's okay with being intimate with me because I want it and it means a lot to me. But it's really different now, and both happier for it, because -- it's as you describe -- there's no longer any expectation that he pretend to feel or want things he doesn't.

To be honest, I actually feel a little upset when I see sexual partners express frustration that a partner is not behaving more like a sexual -- e.g. expressing attraction, "at least pretending", expecting them to initiate spontaneously ... I think I get upset because it feels like it's not accepting/loving within the reality of asexuality... sure, I wish I could have those things too, but I'm okay, and it's upsetting to me when my partner feels bad for not experiencing something he can't experience.

 

It sounded like the OP's partner is sex repulsed. I think it'd be very hard for me to experience that. The intimacy for me is so entangled with love and bonding -- I know it's not for my partner, but it feels OK because he accepts/supports that I express myself this way. Like... we both have a lot of love & respect for each other's experience, knowing it's very different for each other.

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19 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

To be honest, I actually feel a little upset when I see sexual partners express frustration that a partner is not behaving more like a sexual -- e.g. expressing attraction, "at least pretending", expecting them to initiate spontaneously ... I think I get upset because it feels like it's not accepting/loving within the reality of asexuality... sure, I wish I could have those things too, but I'm okay, and it's upsetting to me when my partner feels bad for not experiencing something he can't experience.

I wish my partner could reach this place.

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She clearly does not desire to please you sexually. If it was just a complete lack of interest in sex she wouldn't want you to put effort into doing sexual things for her.  (you mention giving her oral and using positions that work for her).

 

I don't know the term, but its  a pattern I've seen before:  One person has very  little interest in sex, with a partner with a great desire to  please.  That gives the low-interest person complete control over the couple's sex life: sex is when they want and exactly how they want.  They feel no need to do what the higher desire partner wants.    

 

In some sense it is selfish, but more I think it is just a natural result of the mismatch.  The low desire person could do completely without sex, so they have no real motivation to work at pleasing their partner. 

 

In my case, one thing that helped was turning down bad sex. I'll get my wife off if she asks, but turn down offers of hers to do the same for me if all she wants to do is things that I don't enjoy.   In your case though, if your wife is happy without any sex ever, you may end up completely celibate.  Whether that is better than the completely unbalanced sex you have now is up to you. 

 

 

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18 minutes ago, uhtred said:

The low desire person could do completely without sex, so they have no real motivation to work at pleasing their partner. 

They could want to please their partner because they love them and want them to be happy... isn't that a good motivation?

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2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

They could want to please their partner because they love them and want them to be happy... isn't that a good motivation?

They could, but not all do. Whether that is because they don't care or because sex is actively bad for them depends on the situation 

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7 minutes ago, uhtred said:

They could, but not all do. Whether that is because they don't care or because sex is actively bad for them depends on the situation 

It could also appear to be this way - not saying this is true in your (or tele’s) specific situation - when in actuality their partner hasn’t been as effective in communicating the fact it’s a problem as said partner thinks.  This is especially likely where people assume their partners are thinking X whenever they (don’t) do Y... because they themselves only (don’t) do Y when they’re thinking X.

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1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

It could also appear to be this way - not saying this is true in your (or tele’s) specific situation - when in actuality their partner hasn’t been as effective in communicating the fact it’s a problem as said partner thinks.  This is especially likely where people assume their partners are thinking X whenever they (don’t) do Y... because they themselves only (don’t) do Y when they’re thinking X.

Absolutely possible. Its really easy to map other people's situations onto one's own. 

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