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Ace Dating/Marriage


ZinxtheJinx

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5 hours ago, sithgirlix said:

From what I've heard from literally everyone I've ever met who's had sex, it doesn't really hurt if you know what you're doing. I just have a fucked up body.  We've run the statistics and I've talked to people about it, I literally confuse a bunch of people when it comes to me and sex.  The spoiler is an explanation as to why, but it's weird and unnecessary so I censored it to be polite. Don't read it if you don't want to. I'm weirdly open about sexual stuff.

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To be graphic...

I basically get zero stimulation on top of having vaginismus which means I can't relax my muscles very well so I have to stretch each time before sex or it hurts too much to do anything. For most people with it I've heard masturbation helps, a lot of foreplay, or sex therapy where they literally have more frequent sex to combat it, but the zero stimulation part makes that impossible.  Nothing gives me pleasure, and I've tried everything I can think of. I just have zero libido and zero pleasure sensitivity down there. It just sucks.

I'm in the minority though. For most girls I've heard oral works really well when P-in-V doesn't work.  Or anal, though that's the one thing I haven't tried because my bf doesn't want to and I don't really care enough to push the issue that might not work. 

 

But the wedding! ❤️ We're getting married back home in the states since that's where our family is and because we can't live in Japan permanently. My short experience here tells me that it wouldn't be sustainable for me, and it isn't good for his job prospects.  I'm here currently for work but it will only be a few years, then we'll be officially engaged and he'll be stuck with me. :P 

Thats okay and thanks for sharing as I now learned a new medical term even though I probably won´t be able to use it  at present 🤓. Yeah lock him in and get him a puppy/kitten to compensate him. I find it adorable that he was willing to stop when he realized he was unintentionally hurting you and that he didn´t blame you. Good luck to both of you!

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Nea Rose Symphony
14 hours ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

Does he give you a hard time about it or is it like silently acknowledged?

Oh no he's way more respectful than the other. Consent is actually very important to him. I just don't want him thinking I'm not into him or that he's doing stuff I don't want to because... I really enjoy his company and I consent with the knowledge it's something he wants way more than I naturally do but that I'm doing it as it's something special to us both

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21 minutes ago, Neapolitan_Cat said:

Oh no he's way more respectful than the other. Consent is actually very important to him. I just don't want him thinking I'm not into him or that he's doing stuff I don't want to because... I really enjoy his company and I consent with the knowledge it's something he wants way more than I naturally do but that I'm doing it as it's something special to us both

Okay, I just wanted to make sure. Then I hope you both continue to support each other.

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On 9/24/2018 at 1:39 AM, ZinxtheJinx said:

It´s good to hear from the Sexual party as well as Ace´s perspective. How does it affect you?

I miss being desired and lifting my beloved above the clouds and into nirvana. I often juggle a conversation in my head about our situation. But I cant talk to her and make her into a sexual. I rather want her and then the sex I can get by being with her, without applying further stress.

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On 9/23/2018 at 9:28 PM, Pest said:

My boyfriend knew that I am asexual before we even started dating, and was fully aware that sex likely would never be happening. We've had an open relationship since the beginning and it's great. I even made friends with one of his fuck buddies. We've been together for more than two years now. 

Wow. I often said to myself I wished my boyfriend could have a fuck buddy on the side so it would take the pressure off me (he doesn't know I'm asexual, I've only really discovered i am myself) but I'd be worried he'd fall for them then as he gets very emotionally attached to the sex. And also Id be worried someone else found out and felt the need to tell me he was cheating. Do your circle of friends and family know your relationship is open?

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I've been married for almost five years and have only just come to realize that I'm asexual. I didn't even know what it was until last year. I just thought I was weird and broken. It's a relief to finally figure this out.

 

But I'm terrified. I've always relied on alcohol to get me into the mood to have sex with my husband, and I'm figuring that isn't the healthiest thing, especially because I end up drinking too much all the time. And when I'm avoiding alcohol for long stretches, and we're not having sex much, he gets really, really grumpy. He says he understands that I'm way less into sex than he is, but he can't help how he feels. And I can force myself to have sex sober, but I dread it.

 

I kind of want to let him go and have a life with the sex that he clearly needs. I love him dearly, and I don't want him to be unhappy forever. He loves me too, I know, but I don't know whether our love can make the marriage work.

 

The thing is, we have two small children. And I can't imagine being a single parent. It seems utterly impossible.

 

I don't know. I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else who figured out they were asexual after they were married and how they and their partner dealt.

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@abbacadabraI could have wrote this exact post word for word. I've only come to realise I'm asexual in the last week or so. So I haven't discussed this revelation with him yet. And I'm kind of scared to. I don't think he'll actually believe me. He thinks I just don't love him. In his mind love=sex. The 2 just don't equate for me. I was a single parent for 7 yrs before I met him and now I have a 12 yr old and we have 2 small children under 3. I can't imagine tearing our family apart (and we couldn't afford it either) but at the same time I do love him enough to let him go and find someone who can give him what he needs. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to bring myself to do the deed. He's even accused me afterwards of "not being into it enough". He wants me to want it. And I know he's sick of initiating and getting turned down 90% of the time. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place just like you. So I know how u feel completely x

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/30/2018 at 11:06 PM, Alro said:

Wow. I often said to myself I wished my boyfriend could have a fuck buddy on the side so it would take the pressure off me (he doesn't know I'm asexual, I've only really discovered i am myself) but I'd be worried he'd fall for them then as he gets very emotionally attached to the sex. And also Id be worried someone else found out and felt the need to tell me he was cheating. Do your circle of friends and family know your relationship is open?

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't checked the forums in a while.

It works for some but not for all. My boyfriend usually have one night stands (because the few fuck buddies turn into regular buddies after a while). Most of our friends know, but my sister is the only one in the family that I've spoken with about such things. They know I'm queer (they love my boyfriend, which is amazing) but not the details of it.

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I'm new here -- and I don't really know how to use forums like this, so forgive me if I post this wrong. I'm 39 years old and about to be divorced after 22 years of marriage. I was only 17 when we married (it was basically an arranged marriage type situation - my family was very religious at the time), and I had never even considered having a boyfriend before. I never had a crush on anyone, and just assumed that I would magically become interested in sex when I did it after we were married. It's not like it was bad, I just didn't really get what was supposed to be so great about it -- after a climax, all I felt was utterly exhausted and sometimes even in pain. Unfortunately, my husband is basically hypersexual and had previous relationships that fit him better in that area -- so I just never measured up. I had no reference point, and for years I just assumed there was something wrong with me -- it was my fault I didn't like any of the things he wanted -- some of them I not only didn't like but I found them repulsive or deeply disturbing. He would get sulky and impossible to live with if I didn't do what he wanted, so after the first decade I just let him do whatever he wanted, which wasn't really what he was looking for either -- he wanted someone to desire him... and I'm totally incapable of doing that -- I can't desire anyone... I don't even know what it really means when people say that. Then I started having random bleeding throughout my cycle which was a blessing in disguise for me since it made sex less frequent by necessity -- after every time I would just be relieved that it was over. Sex just remained a big issue throughout our marriage, but on top of it we have two sons - both are autistic... (our 21 year old is also struggling to recover from a head injury a couple years ago that has complicated his autism, and our 17 year old struggles with the results of a tethered spinal cord that wasn't released until he was 15. He is pretty seriously disabled from the nerve damage it caused)... so our family life has been pretty insane too. When my husband was recently diagnosed with severe ADD (which explains a lot) he was put on a medication that made him actually able to think clearly for the first time in his life. Within months he realized that we really never should have been married in the first place. If he had been properly medicated at 20 when we were "set up" he never would have agreed to it. We are good friends -- we've had each other's back through a ton of crap that life has thrown at us -- but we need different things out of a marriage... It's logical... but I'm so sad. And I'm scared of being alone -- I've never been alone. I've just recently heard of asexuality -- and it's more than obvious that I'm very asexual -- and I know after this marriage that I can never try to have a relationship with a sexual person again. It's hard not to have a pity party because I know that in time my husband will find someone else -- someone who will have with him what they talk about in books that I just can't understand -- and I seriously doubt there's anyone out there for me. Not only am I almost 40, but I have our two sons with their issues -- that's just too much for someone else to take on... I know I'm going to be alone from now on...  I guess I'm just sending this out into the void wanting to feel like I'm not alone... 

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You´re not really alone Nueropoet3. In Aven there are people here of all ages, so maybe you could find some here eventually that meets your needs. Just because your almost 40, shouldn´t stop you from finding love. 🖤💜

 

I have a couple questions if you don´t mind answering :

(1) Your soon to be ex-Husband is not going to help you with your sons?

(2) Were you part of a strict christian household growing up? I was assuming that since you got set up in an arrange marriage at 17.

 

But anyway, I´m sorry that this happened to you, and it must be harder that you have two autistic sons as well. I hope that you are surrounded by supportive family and friends. There is also a Tea and Sympathy corner in the forums. The forums is on the home page, top let corner next to browse. You can also search around to find a topic to join, which is probably how you found this one. 🙂

 

Welcome to Aven once more and I hope you find what your looking for.

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Hey. My girlfriend just told me she thinks she might be ace, do you have any advise about what i should say and how to act to show that i dont care. 

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1 hour ago, Saralance said:

Hey. My girlfriend just told me she thinks she might be ace, do you have any advise about what i should say and how to act to show that i dont care. 

Hey. Wow.! Do you really not care at all? Do you expect your sex life to change? Are you possibly ace too?

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6 hours ago, Saralance said:

Hey. My girlfriend just told me she thinks she might be ace, do you have any advise about what i should say and how to act to show that i dont care. 

You should respect her choice and let her know you still care for you. Acting like you don't care may hurt her feelings. I doubt anything will change in the relationship (except the sex part) but if you really care about her then show your support.

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On 10/13/2018 at 7:24 PM, Alro said:

Hey. Wow.! Do you really not care at all? Do you expect your sex life to change? Are you possibly ace too?

Yh i mean we r teenagers we have never got to the whole sex part of our relationship and if she can deal with all my crap i can deal with this. It doenst change how i feel about her. I just want to know how to support her. I dont think that im ace but honestly i care more about her personality than anything else. 

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