Ace Dating/Marriage

[ZinxtheJinx]

What´s it like for ace´s in marriage or who are dating. Are you satisfied? Do you feel pressure from others? 

[No longer active]

Hi there! Do you mean aces who are with other aces or aces with non-aces?

[ZinxtheJinx]

Either is fine, I´m curious about the whole thing.

 

[No longer active]

Well, no one else is replying, so I will!

 

I have with my husband for almost 20 years and been married a good chunk of it. We met in high school. He is sexual. I am recently discovering that I am probably asexual and at the very least on the asexual side of the graysexual scale. 

 

However, it has always been clear that there was a difference between us when it came to sexuality. Near the beginning of our relationship, we did sexual things, not because I really wanted to, and not because he pressured me, it just . . . felt like what I was supposed to be doing. As time went on we did less and less. 

 

A thing to know about my husband and I is that both of us consider feminism a core part of our identity. We have both become bigger and bigger feminists as time goes by. Part of that is that we have a very high bar for what constitutes consent. As a result, my husband never pressured me and even began conflating consent and desire so that he was not interested in doing anything I was not into. I think he was frustrated, disappointed and hurt at first, but eventually made his peace with it and we stopped entirely. 

 

For him, the idea of leaving me was never on the table. I know that for some people it would have been, and I don't want to judge that, but for him his love and desire to be my lifelong companion was much bigger than any frustration he felt. 

 

A recently came across this identity and felt it applied to me. I am still trying to decide if I am asexual or graysexual. The reason I think I might be graysexual is that I developed some anxiety around sex. I am now trying to work out if that anxiety was a result of asexuality, or if the anxiety pushed me further towards the asexuality side of the spectrum. I think that discovering this identity might cause me to move to graysexual, if I am, because if it was anxiety it will go away. However, there is no way I am "normal," if that is even a thing in the first place.

 

I had a great talk with my husband about this. Before having the talk, I did a sort of inventory of sexual acts. I put some in the "nope" category, and some in the "I feel fine doing that, even if it is not my thing." When we talked, I told him the lists. I think knowing that there are many others like me helped him not take it personally and stop conflating consent and desire. So, ironically, discovering asexuality, put some sex acts back on the table. We have tried it out and it worked out great. I didn't really feel like it was any different than when he rubbed my shoulders, and he liked it. We will definitely be doing it again.

 

Also, I should mention, he is very into queer rights, so this seemed similar to him.

 

Like I said, I wonder if some level of sexual desire will come to me to me now that I am feeling more comfortable with it. I know it will not be much and will probably be specific acts. If it does, cool. If it doesn't, that's also cool.

 

So, for me, things are great. However, I know that is not always the case. For some sexuals, love is not enough for a relationship. For some asexuals, love is not enough for any sort of sexual acts. Everyone is different. 

[Roidgy]

I am sex repulsed and going to get married soon to my sexual boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years. He has a very high libido and I try to have sex with him as much as I can handle to keep him happy. Even though I often feel very uncomfortable or nauseous during and after sex, I see it as a very small price to pay for being with him. He makes me so happy and gives me so much hope for the future, I'm not going to give that up because of a few minutes a week.

 

i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and Id do anything for that to happen. I can't possibly imagine life without him

 

i do feel a tremendous pressure from others to have sex, tho. They say that being asexual is a huge burden for him and I should be grateful that he would even consider going out with me, and that he deserves better

[Purple Wanderer]

I couldn't deal with being with a sexual person. Pressure and stress got too much

[ZinxtheJinx]

5 hours ago, Cinders said:

Well, no one else is replying, so I will!

 

I have with my husband for almost 20 years and been married a good chunk of it. We met in high school. He is sexual. I am recently discovering that I am probably asexual and at the very least on the asexual side of the graysexual scale. 

 

However, it has always been clear that there was a difference between us when it came to sexuality. Near the beginning of our relationship, we did sexual things, not because I really wanted to, and not because he pressured me, it just . . . felt like what I was supposed to be doing. As time went on we did less and less. 

 

A thing to know about my husband and I is that both of us consider feminism a core part of our identity. We have both become bigger and bigger feminists as time goes by. Part of that is that we have a very high bar for what constitutes consent. As a result, my husband never pressured me and even began conflating consent and desire so that he was not interested in doing anything I was not into. I think he was frustrated, disappointed and hurt at first, but eventually made his peace with it and we stopped entirely. 

 

For him, the idea of leaving me was never on the table. I know that for some people it would have been, and I don't want to judge that, but for him his love and desire to be my lifelong companion was much bigger than any frustration he felt. 

 

A recently came across this identity and felt it applied to me. I am still trying to decide if I am asexual or graysexual. The reason I think I might be graysexual is that I developed some anxiety around sex. I am now trying to work out if that anxiety was a result of asexuality, or if the anxiety pushed me further towards the asexuality side of the spectrum. I think that discovering this identity might cause me to move to graysexual, if I am, because if it was anxiety it will go away. However, there is no way I am "normal," if that is even a thing in the first place.

 

I had a great talk with my husband about this. Before having the talk, I did a sort of inventory of sexual acts. I put some in the "nope" category, and some in the "I feel fine doing that, even if it is not my thing." When we talked, I told him the lists. I think knowing that there are many others like me helped him not take it personally and stop conflating consent and desire. So, ironically, discovering asexuality, put some sex acts back on the table. We have tried it out and it worked out great. I didn't really feel like it was any different than when he rubbed my shoulders, and he liked it. We will definitely be doing it again.

 

Also, I should mention, he is very into queer rights, so this seemed similar to him.

 

Like I said, I wonder if some level of sexual desire will come to me to me now that I am feeling more comfortable with it. I know it will not be much and will probably be specific acts. If it does, cool. If it doesn't, that's also cool.

 

So, for me, things are great. However, I know that is not always the case. For some sexuals, love is not enough for a relationship. For some asexuals, love is not enough for any sort of sexual acts. Everyone is different. 

You are very lucky to have a husband like that who is supportive and doesn´t force you into anything. I for one can never really see myself in your position. And since your´re still searching, thats okay but in my opinion you could be either graysexual or demisexual based on what you said.

 

[ZinxtheJinx]

2 hours ago, Purple Wanderer said:

I couldn't deal with being a sexual person. Pressure and stress got too much

Too true.

[ZinxtheJinx]

5 hours ago, Roidgy said:

I am sex repulsed and going to get married soon to my sexual boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years. He has a very high libido and I try to have sex with him as much as I can handle to keep him happy. Even though I often feel very uncomfortable or nauseous during and after sex, I see it as a very small price to pay for being with him. He makes me so happy and gives me so much hope for the future, I'm not going to give that up because of a few minutes a week.

 

i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and Id do anything for that to happen. I can't possibly imagine life without him

 

i do feel a tremendous pressure from others to have sex, tho. They say that being asexual is a huge burden for him and I should be grateful that he would even consider going out with me, and that he deserves better

Did you guys compromised? Also to the people that are putting you down, ignore them and remove them from your presence. As long as your boyfriend supports you and doesn´t pressure you then it´ll work out.  Does he know you´re sex-repulsed?

[Roidgy]

2 hours ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

Did you guys compromised? Also to the people that are putting you down, ignore them and remove them from your presence. As long as your boyfriend supports you and doesn´t pressure you then it´ll work out.  Does he know you´re sex-repulsed?

We haven't had sex in a while but I talked to him a bit ago and told him how I feel and we're going to try doing different stuff so that hopefully I don't feel so uncomfortable or nauseous 

[ZinxtheJinx]

1 hour ago, Roidgy said:

We haven't had sex in a while but I talked to him a bit ago and told him how I feel and we're going to try doing different stuff so that hopefully I don't feel so uncomfortable or nauseous 

Okay. So hopefully he´s the type who isn´t there for the sex snce he willingly compromised and understood your situation.

 

[MissMidnight]

Ive been with my sexual BF for almost 3 years now.

Its hard. Ive dated alot of sexual people over the years and while he is the best and most understanding of all of them its hard. 

He has sexual needs and I do not. I help him and give him some sex but its limited and well sometimes theres comments made that I really dont care for... like 

"I wish it could just be a quick one without all the prep work"

"I wish you would be the one to start it and want it"

"I dont get enough"

etc.

Naturally that stings quiet alot.

He has needs I'm not meeting in the way he wants or the quantity and he isnt meeting mine. The things I need are only given when he wants to get laid. 

 

We had a discussion recently about where we are going? At the moment it feels like we are too strangers living together and just passing each other. Sure we care about eachother but is it enough. Do we keep trying or give up? He wants to keep trying.

It seems to be alot of communication and compromise to make things work but if things are compromised on by only one party it isnt right. 

 

Not sure if this helps or not but thats my current situation.

[ZinxtheJinx]

10 hours ago, MissMidnight said:

Ive been with my sexual BF for almost 3 years now.

Its hard. Ive dated alot of sexual people over the years and while he is the best and most understanding of all of them its hard. 

He has sexual needs and I do not. I help him and give him some sex but its limited and well sometimes theres comments made that I really dont care for... like 

"I wish it could just be a quick one without all the prep work"

"I wish you would be the one to start it and want it"

"I dont get enough"

etc.

Naturally that stings quiet alot.

He has needs I'm not meeting in the way he wants or the quantity and he isnt meeting mine. The things I need are only given when he wants to get laid. 

 

We had a discussion recently about where we are going? At the moment it feels like we are too strangers living together and just passing each other. Sure we care about eachother but is it enough. Do we keep trying or give up? He wants to keep trying.

It seems to be alot of communication and compromise to make things work but if things are compromised on by only one party it isnt right. 

 

Not sure if this helps or not but thats my current situation.

I know it´s hard to find an ace partner but why are you doing this to yourself? I don´t know your circumstances but he should think more about your feelings than about getting laid. Sorry that might sound harsh but you guys definately should compromise and he´s a jerk for complaining and putting you down like that. I hope it does work out though but if not let this be an experience to learn from in the future. I always felt there was going to be issues with being in a relationship with a Sexual, but that´s like a lot of stress. I don´t know but you´re brave for keeping up and actually putting your all, I mean 3 years has to mean something, right? So maybe he´s a jerk with a heart of gold?

[MrDane]

I am with an ace, who is close to sex neutral, a bit on the aromantic side. Occasionally enjoys, occasionally shuts down on some aspects. We have chosen schedules and businesslike agreements as our way. I would still like to evolve, surprise and be desired, but as that can be stressful to her, we stick to the plan. 

[Pest]

My boyfriend knew that I am asexual before we even started dating, and was fully aware that sex likely would never be happening. We've had an open relationship since the beginning and it's great. I even made friends with one of his fuck buddies. We've been together for more than two years now. 

[MissMidnight]

4 hours ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

I know it´s hard to find an ace partner but why are you doing this to yourself? I don´t know your circumstances but he should think more about your feelings than about getting laid. Sorry that might sound harsh but you guys definately should compromise and he´s a jerk for complaining and putting you down like that. I hope it does work out though but if not let this be an experience to learn from in the future. I always felt there was going to be issues with being in a relationship with a Sexual, but that´s like a lot of stress. I don´t know but you´re brave for keeping up and actually putting your all, I mean 3 years has to mean something, right? So maybe he´s a jerk with a heart of gold?

I dont even know anymore. I vented tho in another forum about it but yea just lost atm but i also cant hijack this nice thread.  Thank you

[ZinxtheJinx]

37 minutes ago, MissMidnight said:

I dont even know anymore. I vented tho in another forum about it but yea just lost atm but i also cant hijack this nice thread.  Thank you

Well I hope it works out well for you but remember that you don´t deserve the headache, take it easy.

[ZinxtheJinx]

3 hours ago, Pest said:

My boyfriend knew that I am asexual before we even started dating, and was fully aware that sex likely would never be happening. We've had an open relationship since the beginning and it's great. I even made friends with one of his fuck buddies. We've been together for more than two years now. 

Damn okay, never really expected something like that but if thats working for you than I guess its alright. You boyfriend bring in a harem?

[ZinxtheJinx]

4 hours ago, MrDane said:

I am with an ace, who is close to sex neutral, a bit on the aromantic side. Occasionally enjoys, occasionally shuts down on some aspects. We have chosen schedules and businesslike agreements as our way. I would still like to evolve, surprise and be desired, but as that can be stressful to her, we stick to the plan. 

It´s good to hear from the Sexual party as well as Ace´s perspective. How does it affect you?

[Nea Rose Symphony]

I'm ace dating my second partner. It can be a bit awkward when the partner can tell you aren't that into the sex and you wonder if the partner will get upset or hurt by that. And it makes me wonder why I can't just be into it either and wondering if it's just harder to get me into it because I'm female. Other than that it's like any other relationship: spending time together, bonding, cutesy stuff like holding hands and cuddling, etc

[Pest]

6 hours ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

Damn okay, never really expected something like that but if thats working for you than I guess its alright. You boyfriend bring in a harem?

Not really. He seeks out hookups (via Grindr mostly) maybe once a month or so (the previously mention fuck buddy is no longer so due to schedules never matching up). Usually they are at the other guy's place, or he takes the chance when I'm not home. 

 

My partner is sexual, but but his libido isn't extreme. It's what works for us and I wouldn't want it any other way

[Lara Black]

Hello, @ZinxtheJinx

I’ll give another sexual’s perspective in a mixed relationship. A bit of context - my partner is ace, so we have no traditional sex at all. I’m typically sexual and would love to have sex 3-4 times per week.

I’ve read here that many aces get pressured or emotionally blackmailed into sex, but that’s not how a good relationship works. In our situation, there are things my partner enjoys doing – caressing, making out etc. – and they are our form of intimacy. It’s not enough for me, of course, but that’s something I can live with and be happy in a relationship. If we discuss sex, my position is that should he want traditional sex – great, but if he doesn’t want any traditional sex ever, OK. We’ve been together more than two years, and are happy with the relationship.

[ZinxtheJinx]

8 hours ago, Neapolitan_Cat said:

I'm ace dating my second partner. It can be a bit awkward when the partner can tell you aren't that into the sex and you wonder if the partner will get upset or hurt by that. And it makes me wonder why I can't just be into it either and wondering if it's just harder to get me into it because I'm female. Other than that it's like any other relationship: spending time together, bonding, cutesy stuff like holding hands and cuddling, etc

Does he give you a hard time about it or is it like silently acknowledged?

[ZinxtheJinx]

2 hours ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, @ZinxtheJinx

I’ll give another sexual’s perspective in a mixed relationship. A bit of context - my partner is ace, so we have no traditional sex at all. I’m typically sexual and would love to have sex 3-4 times per week.

I’ve read here that many aces get pressured or emotionally blackmailed into sex, but that’s not how a good relationship works. In our situation, there are things my partner enjoys doing – caressing, making out etc. – and they are our form of intimacy. It’s not enough for me, of course, but that’s something I can live with and be happy in a relationship. If we discuss sex, my position is that should he want traditional sex – great, but if he doesn’t want any traditional sex ever, OK. We’ve been together more than two years, and are happy with the relationship.

Anyone is welcome here, Lara.  Yeah I also heard about those cases which is terrible and I never want that to happen to anyone ace or not. I´m glad that your are understanding of your partner and respect him, that really shows how much you care and are willingly putting aside your physical needs to make your relationship work.

[ZinxtheJinx]

4 hours ago, Pest said:

Not really. He seeks out hookups (via Grindr mostly) maybe once a month or so (the previously mention fuck buddy is no longer so due to schedules never matching up). Usually they are at the other guy's place, or he takes the chance when I'm not home. 

 

My partner is sexual, but but his libido isn't extreme. It's what works for us and I wouldn't want it any other way

Okay, I was joking about the harem and I never really thought that open-relationships were an option till now or that there are actually schedules like its business.

[SithLord]

On 9/22/2018 at 6:28 AM, ZinxtheJinx said:

What´s it like for ace´s in marriage or who are dating. Are you satisfied? Do you feel pressure from others? 

I'm dating a sexual and we're talking about marriage.  We've been together about five years now?

 

As our relationship is now, I feel pretty satisfied. We have sex, less than he would like but he tolerates it and me. I could go without sex entirely but am not repulsed, it just doesn't give me any pleasure and actually hurts quite a lot, so even he doesn't like sex as much as he would with a normal person because he can tell it hurts me and feels bad. 

I felt pressure from others at times, but for the most part it was just him and me discussing our relationship. 

 

The only thing that could make me more satisfied in our relationships is if we had more dogs and cats. Seriously, not enough fluff in our life together.

[ZinxtheJinx]

3 hours ago, sithgirlix said:

I'm dating a sexual and we're talking about marriage.  We've been together about five years now?

 

As our relationship is now, I feel pretty satisfied. We have sex, less than he would like but he tolerates it and me. I could go without sex entirely but am not repulsed, it just doesn't give me any pleasure and actually hurts quite a lot, so even he doesn't like sex as much as he would with a normal person because he can tell it hurts me and feels bad. 

I felt pressure from others at times, but for the most part it was just him and me discussing our relationship. 

 

The only thing that could make me more satisfied in our relationships is if we had more dogs and cats. Seriously, not enough fluff in our life together.

That's great to hear and yeah pets are better to fill up holes. I never really understood how sex seems promising, I never did it but I know that it's going to hurt 😨. But good for you that you got a guy who doesn't make sex the basis of a relationship! Good luck with the wedding ☺️, will it also be in Japan?

[SithLord]

22 minutes ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

That's great to hear and yeah pets are better to fill up holes. I never really understood how sex seems promising, I never did it but I know that it's going to hurt 😨. But good for you that you got a guy who doesn't make sex the basis of a relationship! Good luck with the wedding ☺️, will it also be in Japan?

From what I've heard from literally everyone I've ever met who's had sex, it doesn't really hurt if you know what you're doing. I just have a fucked up body.  We've run the statistics and I've talked to people about it, I literally confuse a bunch of people when it comes to me and sex.  The spoiler is an explanation as to why, but it's weird and unnecessary so I censored it to be polite. Don't read it if you don't want to. I'm weirdly open about sexual stuff.

Spoiler

To be graphic...

I basically get zero stimulation on top of having vaginismus which means I can't relax my muscles very well so I have to stretch each time before sex or it hurts too much to do anything. For most people with it I've heard masturbation helps, a lot of foreplay, or sex therapy where they literally have more frequent sex to combat it, but the zero stimulation part makes that impossible.  Nothing gives me pleasure, and I've tried everything I can think of. I just have zero libido and zero pleasure sensitivity down there. It just sucks.

I'm in the minority though. For most girls I've heard oral works really well when P-in-V doesn't work.  Or anal, though that's the one thing I haven't tried because my bf doesn't want to and I don't really care enough to push the issue that might not work. 

 

But the wedding! ❤️ We're getting married back home in the states since that's where our family is and because we can't live in Japan permanently. My short experience here tells me that it wouldn't be sustainable for me, and it isn't good for his job prospects.  I'm here currently for work but it will only be a few years, then we'll be officially engaged and he'll be stuck with me.  

[SithLord]

25 minutes ago, ZinxtheJinx said:

That's great to hear and yeah pets are better to fill up holes. I never really understood how sex seems promising, I never did it but I know that it's going to hurt 😨. But good for you that you got a guy who doesn't make sex the basis of a relationship! Good luck with the wedding ☺️, will it also be in Japan?

Throwing this in here because... derailing conversations? (they're not mine, I got them from Google, they're just cute)

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 9/22/2018 at 2:27 PM, Purple Wanderer said:

I couldn't deal with being with a sexual person. Pressure and stress got too much

I couldn't either but I have the utmost respect for people who are willing to go for it nevertheless. It's the greatest, most sincere proof of love and dedication!

 

On 9/22/2018 at 11:37 AM, Roidgy said:

I am sex repulsed and going to get married soon to my sexual boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 6 years. He has a very high libido and I try to have sex with him as much as I can handle to keep him happy. Even though I often feel very uncomfortable or nauseous during and after sex, I see it as a very small price to pay for being with him. He makes me so happy and gives me so much hope for the future, I'm not going to give that up because of a few minutes a week.

 

i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and Id do anything for that to happen. I can't possibly imagine life without him

That's so admirable and stirring! 😭 Totally adorig!