Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Hello everyone, I am new on here and would really appreciate some advice/reassurance. I am sexual and I think my husband is Asexual. We haven't had any sexual activity for nearly a year and he says he doesn't feel any need for it and doesn't understand why anyone would want to share sexual pleasure, he feels intimate enough with me by us just sleeping naked, holding hands and kissing. He says he prefers to show his love for me by being with me sharing our time together, cooking me a meal etc etc. He is a great man to be married to in all other aspects of our relationship, it just the lack of sex and intimacy. I wonder if he is Asexual?? Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Welcome to AVEN! He certainly sounds Asexual. Have you spoken to him about the possibility? Incidentally, it's tradition to offer new members photos of cake because of the joke among Asexuals about cake being better than sex. Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies. TheAP Questions about Asexuality mod Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Thank you for the cake Michael, it sure does look yummy, and... thank you for your reply. I have spoken to him about it as I wanted to know if it was sex with me or just sex he doesn't want. He says he says he loves me deeply and I believe him, he says its not that hes not attracted to me, he just doesn't feel the need to have sex and doesn't feel any desire to have sex. I want to understand more about it as when I question him too much I get the impression it makes him uncomfortable as hes less tactile Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 You might find this useful, it's a book that explains what it's like to be Asexual, and it's free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ But the short explanation is that there are different types of attraction, and although an Asexual doesn't experience Sexual Attraction, an Asexual can still experience the others. This often posted image explains some of the main types of attraction, Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Thank you Michael, your help is very much appreciated, I will read the book. Although I have found it really hard at times, it is getting easier as I feel if he is Asexual it is easier to come to terms with and understand rather than thinking he just doesn't want to have sex with me. I would not want to make him feel uncomfortable that hes not wanting sex with me and definitely wouldn't want him to make himself just because he felt he had to. I wouldn't want to risk loosing the closeness of the naked cuddles we do have, I dont want him to feel its never enough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
TRexPhilbo Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 46 minutes ago, Sandy54 said: Hello everyone, I am new on here and would really appreciate some advice/reassurance. I am sexual and I think my husband is Asexual. We haven't had any sexual activity for nearly a year and he says he doesn't feel any need for it and doesn't understand why anyone would want to share sexual pleasure, he feels intimate enough with me by us just sleeping naked, holding hands and kissing. He says he prefers to show his love for me by being with me sharing our time together, cooking me a meal etc etc. He is a great man to be married to in all other aspects of our relationship, it just the lack of sex and intimacy. I wonder if he is Asexual?? He might be from what you've said, but at the same time he might not -- preference for not doing certain things doesn't necessarily mean a lack of attraction. He's the only one who can know. My suggestion would be to bring it up with him and show him some asexual FAQ stuff (to see if it resonates with him). I'd recommend the AVEN FAQ pages (there's also one for partners and relationships if you haven't already read it), the Trevor Project asexuality page, and the AVEN "Am I Asexual" forum post series. I'd also recommend the "Asexual Perspectives" page on AVEN. I wish you both the best in your journey of discovery. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 You're talking about him and his wants.... What do you want from this situation? What does he think about those? How do you feel about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Thank you for your message Philguin Baggins I will have a read of the links you have sent me Telecaster68 I want us both to be happy, I am happy in our relationship but do miss the closeness of sex, he says he understands why I want sex but he doesnt have any desire to. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 How do you feel about never having sex again? Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 As you think back over your relationship, Sandy, has he perhaps always been this way? Or has something changed recently? In the latter case, medications/health issues and the like could also factor in. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Telecaster68 - to be honest im not sure, I do feel it is missing from our relationship but I really want to be ok with this as everything else in our relationship is great. Ryn2 - nothing has changed recently, I feel the sex we had was more about him having sex because its what couples should do rather than wanted to as it was always rushed as if he wanted it over with, no foreplay and I only reached orgasm because I instigated it on myself. The sex we had left me somewhat frustrated and confused , so to know there isn't going to be any sex, although sounds odd it kind of feels better than how I felt after our sex Link to post Share on other sites
Violet of the Stars Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Quote Incidentally, it's tradition to offer new members photos of cake because of the joke among Asexuals about cake being better than sex. Oh... I didn't know that lol Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 That does sound like he could be ace then. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 13 minutes ago, Sandy54 said: The sex we had left me somewhat frustrated and confused , so to know there isn't going to be any sex, although sounds odd it kind of feels better than how I felt after our sex This makes a lot of sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Ryn2 thank you for your understanding and support. I helps that it makes sense to you Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 I ask because you won't be able to change him, nor should you try. So he may come to the conclusion he'd like to have sex with you for your sake, not his, or that he doesn't want to have sex. What he or you call it doesn't matter that much. Either way, focusing on how you manage that change is all you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Share Posted September 21, 2018 Thank you Telecaster68, I feel exactly what you have put in your reply, I am looking for ways to manage this, I respect his feelings and would not want to put any pressure on him for sex, the only sex I would ever want from his is sex he wants to share with me not sex he feels he has to have with me. I do not want to loose what closeness we do have. I want to accept and be happy with what we have rather than morn what we don't have. I feel so much better talking to you tonight, thank you for your support and understanding Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 Hello @Sandy54 Unfortunately you will find people in many variations of your situation here. Its a really difficult situation. Personally I don't see asexuality as black / white, but unless there is something important missing from the story (which I doubt), if he hasn't wanted sex for over a year, for all practical purposes he is asexual. There is a tendency for people to map their own experiences onto others, and I'm sure I am making the same mistake by mapping mine, but that said: I expect he really does love you. He also really doesn't understand how sex is *important* to sexual people. I know to my wife there is nothing at all unusual about not having sex on our 25 anniversary vacation, we were in Venice, there were lots of other things to do. Same for pretty much all the others. Every once in a while she will say that I've been seeming a bit quiet or withdrawn and I'll remind her that its been months since we had sex, and she will sort of indicate that she hadn't noticed, and doesn't see why that is relevant to the question of why I'm not happy and affectionate. I don't know how you feel, but for most sexual people sex is *important*, it is the difference between friendship and love. For many a good sex life just makes the whole world seem like a happy bright place, and lack of one just puts a cloud over everything. For many, masturbation may take care of any physical need, but does nothing for the emotional need. Leave, Cheat, Live like a Nun. (sorry my favorite tag line here). There is likely NOTHING you can do to make him desire you sexually. I think you have every right to leave if you want. That is probably the best path to your own happiness. Cheat? Might work. He might even agree to an open marriage - but if he doesn't see sex as important, then he is unlikely to be happy with your having sex with someone else. Besides, if you do have sex with someone else, its likely to either be sort of sad and sordid, or so nice and wonderful that you fall for the other person. Live celibate? Depends on you. Romance novels, porn and sex toys work for some. Not others. My only useful suggestion: don't expect / hope it will get better. It won't. Ever. Hope just leads to repeated disappointment. Sorry you are in this spot. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 2 hours ago, Sandy54 said: the only sex I would ever want from his is sex he wants to share with me not sex he feels he has to have with me It's a nuanced thing for sure... this intimacy means a lot to me emotionally, it's so intertwined with feelings of love. Now that we understand each other, my partner is really indifferent but "wants" to share it ... because of it matters to me & makes me happy, even though he's not feeling sexual attraction or desire himself. I'm thankful for it. But a lot of asexual partners aren't comfortable with sex. And it can be hard for many sexual partners to feel okay with accepting the intimacy as a gift, there's still a big asymmetry. Do lots of reading! I got books. I also often recommend this link because it's where I started: https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/ Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Pick one of these five. They are the only options you have. 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure him to do things he does not want to do. 3) Stay but get your needs met outside the marriage with clear and honest communication. 4) Stay but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do. Outsourcing and open marriages are tricky situations, but I know of two couples on other boards where, after over a year of forced celibacy in each case, when the wife announced they were going to outsource the husbands were supportive and excited about it. In one case it led to regular MFM threesomes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 5 hours ago, uhtred said: There is a tendency for people to map their own experiences onto others, and I'm sure I am making the same mistake by mapping mine, but that said: . . . I expect he really does love you. He also really doesn't understand how sex is *important* to sexual people. You may indeed be mapping your experience onto the OP, because she has said her husband understands that sex is important to her. She also did not express any desire to leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy54 Posted September 22, 2018 Author Share Posted September 22, 2018 uhtred - thank you for sharing your story with me, please can I ask what makes you stay with your wife when you mention me leaving for my own happiness. Why have you felt this has not been an option for you? I agree with you that hope is hopeless and is disappointing which is why I have decided to accept its not going to happen and I am wanting to go forward with what we have rather than what we dont. Not saying its easy though Thank you everyone for your messages, I really feel supported on here and glad I have joined. I want to add a 6) to IronHamster which is... to stay and work on the positives of my marriage and stop focusing so much on the one part that's missing because everything else is so great. I just want to work on how to keep focus. Link to post Share on other sites
No longer active Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 10 hours ago, uhtred said: There is a tendency for people to map their own experiences onto others, and I'm sure I am making the same mistake by mapping mine, but that said: I expect he really does love you. He also really doesn't understand how sex is *important* to sexual people. I do think you are mapping your experience onto hers. I for one understand that sex is important to many people. He might, too. 5 hours ago, IronHamster said: Pick one of these five. They are the only options you have. 1) Stay and be miserable. 2) Stay and pressure him to do things he does not want to do. 3) Stay but get your needs met outside the marriage with clear and honest communication. 4) Stay but get your needs met outside the marriage without permission. 5) Leave, because the relationship is not meeting your needs and it is the honest thing to do. These are most certainly not the only options. There are many, many others. I think beginning the conversation could lead to many solutions, including one as unique to their relationship that is, like all other relationships, unique. OP, all relationships are involve compromise. You just have to work out what compromises, if any, will work for the two of you. But, please don't feel like the above are your only options. In the end, you might do one of the above, but don't rush into thinking that they are the only options. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 2 hours ago, Cinders said: These are most certainly not the only options. What would be other options that don't boil down to one of those? Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 I suppose the question is really “for all sexuals, does every other option ultimately roll up under #1?” Link to post Share on other sites
No longer active Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 48 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: What would be other options that don't boil down to one of those? Well, like I said, there are many options because every relationship is unique. I guess I will name the two that have worked for me. One is that my husband accepted not having sex for a long time and would have until the day he died, and he was still very happy. The other is that my husband and I have recently started doing those sexual things that I am comfortable with, just not "into." Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 I do not "pressure" my partner "to do things he does not want to do". "Pressure" implies a disturbing lack of respectful and loving consent. "Does not want to do" implies repulsion on his part; asexuality is not repulsion. (Unless you mean something like, "does not want to do dishes" which is honestly really mild.) I "ask" my partner "if we can do things he's okay with, but doesn't have any personal desire for". And I express gratitude, and try to give other things in return. (and I'm not miserable. I'm feeling much better than I did during the 15 years before this.) Link to post Share on other sites
No longer active Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 45 minutes ago, anisotropic said: I do not "pressure" my partner "to do things he does not want to do". "Pressure" implies a disturbing lack of respectful and loving consent. "Does not want to do" implies repulsion on his part; asexuality is not repulsion. (Unless you mean something like, "does not want to do dishes" which is honestly really mild.) I "ask" my partner "if we can do things he's okay with, but doesn't have any personal desire for". And I express gratitude, and try to give other things in return. (and I'm not miserable. I'm feeling much better than I did during the 15 years before this.) Yeah, to me it seems similar to me asking my husband to rub my shoulders when they hurt. He wouldn't do it if I didn't ask, but he likes that me makes my shoulders feel better Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 11 hours ago, Sally said: You may indeed be mapping your experience onto the OP, because she has said her husband understands that sex is important to her. She also did not express any desire to leave him. I was going by the line "he says he doesn't feel any need for it and doesn't understand why anyone would want to share sexual pleasure," but I may have missed where he understood it was important to *her* Link to post Share on other sites
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