Advice on "enjoying it while it lasts" / lessening anxiety about the future of a relationship

[HandheldLantern]

Hi all.

 

A little background. Generally, I am a rather anxious person. I find that relationships are by and far the most anxiety-inducing part of my life. I think part of this anxiety/fear is mixed with a sort of desire of mine to control the future. Y'know, need for control and all that. Trying to avoid myself grief and pain... I guess.

 

Also, I'm ace and sex-repulsed.

 

So, I am 18 and currently starting to date a boy who is also 18.* I really like this guy, and he feels the same for me. We're taking things really slowly. In fact, we're not even using the term "dating" yet - we've just expressed romantic interest in one another and have agreed to spend more time with one another outside of school. I mean we've held hands but that's it lmao.

 

Anyways, I told him I was asexual (+ sex repulsed) maybe a month before we "confessed" to one another. I approached the conversation as one between friends, an explanation for my reactions + behaviour in relation to topics of sexuality. He understood it very well (and even said that he'd read/heard about asexuality before).

 

Right after we talked to one another about how we felt, I brought up my being ace. This is the important part of our conversation, my speech in bold and his in italics:

 

So, the asexuality thing.

 

Yeah.

 

Have you... thought about what it means in a relationship? Are you okay with it? Does it bother you...?

 

Yeah, it does a bit. I don't know. I'll just see how things go, figure it out as time passes.

 

So, I, unlike my friend here, am terrible at "just seeing how things go". I have, suddenly, after this conversation, become hugely hesitant to continue spending time with him.

 

I feel like it is inevitable that things will end up "in flames" for us. I can already picture us in the future, arguing about the topic, him getting (understandably) frustrated with the lack of sex, and the eventual/inevitable break up resulting from it. I've always been awful at handling break-ups, even ones I've initiated - they've often affected my life to a really heavy degree - and, with my asexuality easily being my biggest insecurity... I'm sure you can see where my fear comes from.

 

But... that's not anywhere in the near future. We haven't even kissed yet! Even if neither of us were ace, sex wouldn't be happening any time soon. (At least for us - consider that we're both young, both living with our parents, both virgins, both withdrawn and hesitant, with no dating experience on his end.) So I want to try and enjoy whatever time we HAVE got together. In the end, I really enjoy spending time with him... I don't know why I should deny myself a little bit of happiness for now... but I'm so, SO scared... I wish I could be more like him, just "going with the flow", seeing how things turn out, but I have immense trouble focusing on the here-and-now.

 

I don't get it. Going back to being friends right now would cause me lots of pain. Breaking up later would also cause me lots of pain, probably even MORE pain because I'd have gotten more attached to him. It feels like no matter what I do, I'm gonna get my heart broken here.

 

So... I'd like some advice. How do you deal with such anxiety? How do you accept that something will/may turn out horribly and yet do it anyways? Is it really true that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

 

*Yes, I realize that I'm on the younger side and it is completely possible that I am actually just young or a late bloomer. However, I am not currently changing my mind, and thus I work under the presumption that I am "actually asexual".

[Ennis]

1 hour ago, HandheldLantern said:

I can already picture us in the future, arguing about the topic, him getting (understandably) frustrated with the lack of sex, and the eventual/inevitable break up resulting from it.

I can see the risk but I don't agree with your view completely. Yes, things might go terribly wrong - or not. You don't know until you've tried. His knowing about your asexuality and still pursuing a relationship indicates that he really genuinely cares. If you two manage to find a way of dealing with this (a compromise for both parties, mind you) and if you can talk openly it might work out just fine.

 

1 hour ago, HandheldLantern said:

Going back to being friends right now would cause me lots of pain. Breaking up later would also cause me lots of pain...

...and yet the sort of pain is very different. The first, possibly milder pain, is the pain of having missed the chance of something beautiful. It may not hurt as much but it may cause feelings of regret for many years to come because you haven't tried.

The second pain sure is terrible. It's the pain of having lost something that you had. But the thing is - after a while you can learn to accept this pain as a normal part of the human existence. You can realise that you only feel this pain because before the breakup you were lucky enough to have something as wonderful as another human being loving you so much that he tried to reconcile your imperfections with his. It's a chance of growing as a person. Who knows what good might come of it?

 

From your post I gather that you're very good at worrying and picturing the worst possible outcome. That's good because should something go wrong you're likely to be less disappointed and better prepared emotionally. You said so yourself:

1 hour ago, HandheldLantern said:

Trying to avoid myself grief and pain

You're aware of it and you know it's not actually possible, don't you? Avoiding pain is just as impossible as avoiding luck.

It might feel like this way of thinking is just who you are and you see no way out of it yet I'm positive that we can influence our ways of thinking and even our feelings at least to some extent. Your boyfriend (or whatever you call him) seems to be good at letting things happen as they come - maybe he can teach you. And maybe you can teach him to worry a bit more about the future in order to prepare for possible complications.

 

You say in the title you want to lessen your anxiety. What are your ways of dealing with it? Exercising, art, talking to people, meditation...?

[Roidgy]

2 hours ago, HandheldLantern said:

Is it really true that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

Absolutely, 100%

 

i dated lots of straight guys and told them right from the beginning: "Im trans. Im a guy. I have other boyfriends and girlfriends. We can try this out and see if you're ok with that, if not at least we tried." I never told them I was ace because ive learned to never out myself to anyone ever again.

None of those relationships have ever ended poorly for me. Most of those relationships ended soon after. And i was happy that i tried. No negative feelings, just contentedness. 

Having a few months or years, or hell even just weeks, of happy relationship is better than none at all.

 

[Ceebs]

2 hours ago, HandheldLantern said:

Is it really true that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

I used to say, unequivocally, that I would rather never love than to love someone and lose them. I think my views are less rigid on that now, but it still scares me. The idea of losing the person I love utterly terrifies me, because I've come close a few times, actually thought I had lost her, and it's been a level of heartbreaking that was previously unfamiliar to me. But. It's an incredible experience when you feel that way about someone, and I think I'd rather have known that feeling than not. But yeah, I get where you're coming from for sure.

 

I can tell you this though, from experience: life is best lived. When it comes to love, but also in general. I've spent more or less my entire life avoiding experiences. I'm not a risk taker, and I'm innately very change-averse and don't care for the unknown. You know what that got me? Nothing. Nothing but stagnancy and regret and bitterness. I'm struggling to tackle that now in my 30s. Fear is normal, and some people feel it more strongly than others, but it shouldn't be your main motivator. You miss out on some of the best learning opportunities and most beautiful moments if you let it dictate. Life comes with pain, that's a given; you'll feel it either way, whether you choose to participate in things that may cause it or not. It's unavoidable. So you may as well risk it, because yeah it could suck, but it could also be the best thing you've ever done.

[Kahlan]

2 hours ago, HandheldLantern said:

How do you accept that something will/may turn out horribly and yet do it anyways? Is it really true that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?

I've asked myself that question... I have been selfish and did things that could be seen as wrong because I was in it for the fun and for the experience but I think... sometimes you have to learn from your own mistakes but above all it's important not to be afraid to take a risk.

 

I think love is a lot of things. It does hurt when people you like/love leave, especially when you try hard to fix things or they just don't care one day and let you go but if you can get love and give love to someone then it's worth it. I'm no expert obviously but I'd say it's true... it's better to know what love is like, in all the shapes you're interested in or even just curious about.

 

[ponz]

(just so you know, I'm asexual and have only dated non aces, including my current bf; I also have generalized anxiety, so I can relate)

 

First off, whether one partner is ace and the other not, or both ace, or both not, it is entirely impossible for one partner to "control the future" of their relationship.  It's a somewhat scary fact of life that neither you nor your partner will have full control.  Part of the bonding between partners come from learning to trust the other one to not hurt them.  Though I will be honest, I'm sure both of you will hurt each other at times, but hopefully not intentionally.  It's just a side effect of being emotionally intimate with someone else.

 

Also, I don't think you should ignore or suppress any concerns you have about him, but don't jump to conclusions either.  One line of conversation doesn't say all that much about him.  His words could be interpreted in many ways.  If you really want to make things work with him, you should express your worries to him honestly, and have him explain his stance further.  Don't be afraid to bring things up for discussion or to ask questions.  Communication is (one of) the most important thing(s) in a relationship.

 

As for your anxiety about what he may want sexually in the future, the best thing you can do is clarify your exact boundaries with yourself and go through scenarios in your head where you assert them.  You need to know exactly what's ok and not ok and how to address anything that makes you uncomfortable.  It's your job to express these things to him, since he can't read your mind.  If you're in a situation where you can see things headed in a certain direction, you can (and should) always clarify things BEFORE you get uncomfortable or it goes too far.

 

An example of asserting boundaries (hopefully not a repulsive one):

 

Let's say you guys are cuddling, with his arm around your waist, and after a while, you notice his hand has gotten a little too close to your behind, which makes you uneasy.  As soon as you realize your discomfort, you should say something to the effect of "Could you move your hand up a little?  I don't feel comfortable with it being so close to my behind."  And he should respond by moving his hand.  Afterwards, it might be a good idea to simply say "thanks" to him for accepting your boundaries.  Even though he SHOULD be respecting them without any thanks, it doesn't hurt to reinforce the behavior with positivity, since he's not very relationship experienced.

 

It's your job to know your own boundaries and assertively express them to your partner.  I doubt he wants to hurt you or to become a "bad person" in your eyes, so don't just quietly let him cause you harm.  Speak up for the both of you!

[Ceebs]

12 minutes ago, ponz said:

Part of the bonding between partners come from learning to trust the other one to not hurt them.  Though I will be honest, I'm sure both of you will hurt each other at times, but hopefully not intentionally.  It's just a side effect of being emotionally intimate with someone else.

Yeah, this is one that I've learnt for sure. There's no point in ever promising someone you won't hurt them, and if they tell you that they won't hurt you, know that what they're actually saying is more or less that as far as they can imagine, they'll not hurt you intentionally -- which they may still even do, because relationships are messy and people can be dreadful to each other. (Note: I'm not talking about actual abuse here; that's never acceptable.)

 

I remember being told, "You'll hurt me, and that's ok," and thinking that sounded horrible but knowing it was probably true. And I did hurt them. And I've been hurt. And it sucks, a lot. But just as you need to know that you will be hurt when going into a relationship, keep in mind that there will be wonderful moments as well, and if the relationship is an overall healthy one, it will be worth it. Don't rob yourself of the opportunity for one of the best experiences we can have as human beings.

[HandheldLantern]

Hi there!

 

Just now, Jona said:

I can see the risk but I don't agree with your view completely. Yes, things might go terribly wrong - or not. You don't know until you've tried. His knowing about your asexuality and still pursuing a relationship indicates that he really genuinely cares. If you two manage to find a way of dealing with this (a compromise for both parties, mind you) and if you can talk openly it might work out just fine.

I do tend to have a bit of a... catastrophic (or perhaps black-and-white) view on things sometimes. I think perhaps I struggle with the idea of finding a compromise because I am sex-repulsed and thus do not have the... um, I'm not sure what to call it... "wiggle room" that sex-neutral aces have? As in, I cannot make a "(x) times a month" compromise in regards to sex - I can't (from an emotional/mental standpoint) have sex at all.

 

From what I understand, the other types of compromises that exist for ace/non-ace couples are open relationships (aka non-ace person can have sex with people other than their ace partner), plenty of sensual touch but not anything sexual (which I would be TOTALLY down for, but it really depends on the non-ace, cause sometimes I've heard it can make them feel worse, and also it is essentially a modified version of "no sex"), and... well, I'm not sure quite what else, actually. I'm going through the "Sexual compromises" thread right now to try and find out more...

 

You're right that I truly can't know unless I try... and I'm pretty sure I AM trying. I just wanna make sure my fear doesn't ruin my attempt at trying... I think. Does that even make sense? 🤔

 

Just now, Jona said:

...and yet the sort of pain is very different. The first, possibly milder pain, is the pain of having missed the chance of something beautiful. It may not hurt as much but it may cause feelings of regret for many years to come because you haven't tried.

 

The second pain sure is terrible. It's the pain of having lost something that you had. But the thing is - after a while you can learn to accept this pain as a normal part of the human existence. You can realise that you only feel this pain because before the breakup you were lucky enough to have something as wonderful as another human being loving you so much that he tried to reconcile your imperfections with his. It's a chance of growing as a person. Who knows what good might come of it?

I see... I think I often tend to write off painful experiences as... well, just painful. Maybe I find it difficult to find the parts that could (or already have) create(d) growth in me. Even with my first relationship, which was a while ago, quite the deep wound that's healed itself by now... I still don't know what I learnt from that, if anything. Maybe I should seek that out - that might help me have a more understanding relationship with pain.

 

The acceptance of pain as a normal part of the human existence... Does that come from age? It does seem the older people I know can deal with their pain better, but I can't tell if that's an experience thing or an age thing. I guess they're closely linked.

 

Just now, Jona said:

From your post I gather that you're very good at worrying and picturing the worst possible outcome. That's good because should something go wrong you're likely to be less disappointed and better prepared emotionally.

Ha! Yes, I'm rather good at that. It's a bit of a 50/50: on one hand, like you said, I can be more emotionally prepared sometimes. On the other hand it seems that no matter how much I "prepare" myself for certain situations, my reaction is the same as if I hadn't. It's strange.

 

Just now, Jona said:

You're aware of it and you know it's not actually possible, don't you? Avoiding pain is just as impossible as avoiding luck.

It might feel like this way of thinking is just who you are and you see no way out of it yet I'm positive that we can influence our ways of thinking and even our feelings at least to some extent. Your boyfriend (or whatever you call him) seems to be good at letting things happen as they come - maybe he can teach you. And maybe you can teach him to worry a bit more about the future in order to prepare for possible complications.

I think I'm aware of it on some level but not really on others? Like I understand that pain is inevitable, regardless of how much your brain may spend processing something and/or avoiding it. But I think I also feel like maybe that's not true, that maybe I CAN avoid myself a great deal of hurt... I don't know. Two sides of my brain arguing, really!

 

Yeah, I totally agree that we can influence our ways of thinking. I sort of need to figure out how to, ehm, actually DO that, but I think I'll get there with time. I like what you brought up about people in relationships "teaching" each other things.

 

Just now, Jona said:

You say in the title you want to lessen your anxiety. What are your ways of dealing with it? Exercising, art, talking to people, meditation...?

Okay, about that...  I have tried meditation quite a few times before and unfortunately found it doesn't work for me. I find music helpful because it sort of distracts me; it allows me to go into a different, more calm, relaxed headspace. I talk to my mum a LOT, which helps (occasionally it doesn't, but it so often works that it's always worth a try). I'm also starting to try a few "self-help" videos now, by people like Louise Hay. I can't quite tell yet how helpful they are. I'll see with time.

 

Thank you for your response !!

[HandheldLantern]

15 hours ago, Roidgy said:

Absolutely, 100%

 

i dated lots of straight guys and told them right from the beginning: "Im trans. Im a guy. I have other boyfriends and girlfriends. We can try this out and see if you're ok with that, if not at least we tried." I never told them I was ace because ive learned to never out myself to anyone ever again.

None of those relationships have ever ended poorly for me. Most of those relationships ended soon after. And i was happy that i tried. No negative feelings, just contentedness. 

Having a few months or years, or hell even just weeks, of happy relationship is better than none at all.

Oh wow, that sounds... I don't know. Great, honestly. The sense of peace you could have even after things ended. I hope I can find that too.

 

14 hours ago, CBC said:

I used to say, unequivocally, that I would rather never love than to love someone and lose them. I think my views are less rigid on that now, but it still scares me. The idea of losing the person I love utterly terrifies me, because I've come close a few times, actually thought I had lost her, and it's been a level of heartbreaking that was previously unfamiliar to me. But. It's an incredible experience when you feel that way about someone, and I think I'd rather have known that feeling than not. But yeah, I get where you're coming from for sure.

 

I can tell you this though, from experience: life is best lived. When it comes to love, but also in general. I've spent more or less my entire life avoiding experiences. I'm not a risk taker, and I'm innately very change-averse and don't care for the unknown. You know what that got me? Nothing. Nothing but stagnancy and regret and bitterness. I'm struggling to tackle that now in my 30s. Fear is normal, and some people feel it more strongly than others, but it shouldn't be your main motivator. You miss out on some of the best learning opportunities and most beautiful moments if you let it dictate. Life comes with pain, that's a given; you'll feel it either way, whether you choose to participate in things that may cause it or not. It's unavoidable. So you may as well risk it, because yeah it could suck, but it could also be the best thing you've ever done.

 

13 hours ago, CBC said:

Yeah, this is one that I've learnt for sure. There's no point in ever promising someone you won't hurt them, and if they tell you that they won't hurt you, know that what they're actually saying is more or less that as far as they can imagine, they'll not hurt you intentionally -- which they may still even do, because relationships are messy and people can be dreadful to each other. (Note: I'm not talking about actual abuse here; that's never acceptable.)

 

I remember being told, "You'll hurt me, and that's ok," and thinking that sounded horrible but knowing it was probably true. And I did hurt them. And I've been hurt. And it sucks, a lot. But just as you need to know that you will be hurt when going into a relationship, keep in mind that there will be wonderful moments as well, and if the relationship is an overall healthy one, it will be worth it. Don't rob yourself of the opportunity for one of the best experiences we can have as human beings.

Both of your posts really, really struck a chord in me. I feel the same about losing people I love, and about wanting to avoid risk. And what you said about regret, too, and hurt being inevitable... I don't really have much to say other than thank you.

 

14 hours ago, Kahlan said:

I've asked myself that question... I have been selfish and did things that could be seen as wrong because I was in it for the fun and for the experience but I think... sometimes you have to learn from your own mistakes but above all it's important not to be afraid to take a risk.

 

I think love is a lot of things. It does hurt when people you like/love leave, especially when you try hard to fix things or they just don't care one day and let you go but if you can get love and give love to someone then it's worth it. I'm no expert obviously but I'd say it's true... it's better to know what love is like, in all the shapes you're interested in or even just curious about.

 

Yeah, in most parts of life there's risk-taking involved. Perhaps especially so with love!

 

13 hours ago, ponz said:

(just so you know, I'm asexual and have only dated non aces, including my current bf; I also have generalized anxiety, so I can relate)

 

First off, whether one partner is ace and the other not, or both ace, or both not, it is entirely impossible for one partner to "control the future" of their relationship.  It's a somewhat scary fact of life that neither you nor your partner will have full control.  Part of the bonding between partners come from learning to trust the other one to not hurt them.  Though I will be honest, I'm sure both of you will hurt each other at times, but hopefully not intentionally.  It's just a side effect of being emotionally intimate with someone else.

 

Also, I don't think you should ignore or suppress any concerns you have about him, but don't jump to conclusions either.  One line of conversation doesn't say all that much about him.  His words could be interpreted in many ways.  If you really want to make things work with him, you should express your worries to him honestly, and have him explain his stance further.  Don't be afraid to bring things up for discussion or to ask questions.  Communication is (one of) the most important thing(s) in a relationship.

 

As for your anxiety about what he may want sexually in the future, the best thing you can do is clarify your exact boundaries with yourself and go through scenarios in your head where you assert them.  You need to know exactly what's ok and not ok and how to address anything that makes you uncomfortable.  It's your job to express these things to him, since he can't read your mind.  If you're in a situation where you can see things headed in a certain direction, you can (and should) always clarify things BEFORE you get uncomfortable or it goes too far.

 

An example of asserting boundaries (hopefully not a repulsive one):

 

Let's say you guys are cuddling, with his arm around your waist, and after a while, you notice his hand has gotten a little too close to your behind, which makes you uneasy.  As soon as you realize your discomfort, you should say something to the effect of "Could you move your hand up a little?  I don't feel comfortable with it being so close to my behind."  And he should respond by moving his hand.  Afterwards, it might be a good idea to simply say "thanks" to him for accepting your boundaries.  Even though he SHOULD be respecting them without any thanks, it doesn't hurt to reinforce the behavior with positivity, since he's not very relationship experienced.

 

It's your job to know your own boundaries and assertively express them to your partner.  I doubt he wants to hurt you or to become a "bad person" in your eyes, so don't just quietly let him cause you harm.  Speak up for the both of you!

I see, I see.

 

Er, yeah, I might be reading a little too far into one sentence haha. I understand the importance of communication, but... I don't know if I should be talking to him about it now? It seems a tad early... Perhaps I should just ask him for clarification later on in the relationship, when there is more trust established... I mean, he did say "I don't know", so perhaps he needs some time to process the whole thing, and figure out how he feels about it. Then again, maybe I'm just making up excuses to not have difficult conversations lol.

 

As for setting boundaries, I actually think I'm surprisingly good at it? Or, well, NOW I am. I think in the past I've made the mistake of trying to do things that I was unsure or neutral about, which ended up in me feeling... well, kind of awful, unfortunately. I mean, it was definitely consensual - partner asked me, I said yes -, I think I just made a mistake in my own judgement. I've learnt now that I should have a resounding internal "yes" before I give an external yes, rather than a "maybe" or a "...".

 

Your example was a good one! I think I've actually been in that situation before and it went about as you described. Also it makes sense to keep in mind that he doesn't have much relationship experience.

 

Thank you to everyone for responding + all the advice !