Trying to understand a sexual person

[Egwene]

Yes I get that logically. But I can't transfer it to emotionally 

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Egwene said:

Yes I get that logically. But I can't transfer it to emotionally 

It can take a long time.  Like, years.

 

I don’t know that it *has* to take years.  I had a lot of more general things to work through that were making it a problem.

[Egwene]

When I was in therapy my therapist told me to hold onto pain and feel it, not try and hide from it. Maybe I should do that here. Maybe he can use it and I can cry and hurt and feel awful and hold that pain and maybe then it will grow less.

 

I think it could work. 

 

I hate the world for it being this way. For being so sexual. Most of the pain in my life has been because of sex or rather men's need for. Need that mattered more than my consent. Here I must compromise because a man's need is still more important than how I feel and I know it.

I won't ever be ok with it. But maybe I can tolerate it. Maybe that's enough. I don't think I was made for this world sometimes. There must be another reality where sex isn't the most important thing. 

[ryn2]

Yeah, it’s certainly okay to feel anything you’re feeling about it!

 

The key for you is probably in what makes it different to you than smoking (e.g., and this is just a possible example rather than something specifically directed at you, do you at some level feel conflicted about being ace, guilty for being ace, etc.).

 

If the difference ends up not being something within yourself, and is really “just” that you see using porn as an unacceptable behavior (like some see using illegal drugs, say), then porn use is a dealbreaker for you.  The fact that you “get it logically” but can’t yet internalize it makes me think this isn’t the case for you, though.

[Marlow1]

@Egwene. I feel for you both, I really do!! Porn can get hold of a person and they can only feel OK when they are watching it. This is usually an addiction and when it is the person addicted goes through a lot of turmoil. But only your partner can decide if this is the case

 

From what I have learned, porn addiction is similar to hyper-sexuality and many people cannot come to a good place with it without some kind of therapy. It is the dopamine in their brains, and other neurons that get messed up. They feel totally miserable when they are not watching it, but knowing they are hooked in this way also gives them a lot of distress. Many just carry on because that seems the easier route, but as time goes by this can take its toll on the user, and sometimes their partner too

 

I know about this because my partner ended up in a mess something like this. She was not using porn but because of a variety of factors she went from having a normal level of sexuality to hypersexual. We ended up in therapy together because of this, she is fine now and says therapy was the best thing she ever did

 

I am Demisexual!!! Like you I would often say I don't understand why she is like this, I don't understand why sex is so important to her that she would let herself get in this state. I understand it now though, I understand it exceedingly well!

 

It has been a very painful journey for both my wife and myself, but I have to tell you that we are both glad that we reached out for help. Having such a different approach to sex and all that it entails pretty much meant she and I was never going to understand the other until we found the help we needed. AVEN has most definitely been a massive part of that help, but the Relationship Therapy has been just as important. My wife has stopped doing the things she was doing, and now she is the most content person I have ever known. And me, I am really happy that our relationship is back on track, it is the main thing that I talk about, I am so happy now!

 

If you want to send me a PM feel free to do so. I have some links that explain some of the things that we have been doing to sort all this out.

 

I know you say that you do not want to control him. Believe me the therapy we are doing has nothing to do with controlling people. We were both in hell with all this, my wife more so than me. Helping a person find support regarding sex or porn addiction is not selfish, it is the kindest thing you can do for the person that you love. But of course they need to want to stop, and when they are addicted the addiction itself convinces them that they don't want to

 

Listen, therapy does not work for everybody, some people cannot stop, but if your partner does think he maybe addicted, at some point he may want to stop. And there is help out there if he does want to

 

There is also help for the partners of sex/porn addicts. And this help does not entail getting you personally to stop them. It is about helping you develop skills to cope with the many difficulties that can result from having the two extreme outlooks that you are talking about. I can't explain all this in just a short post like this. But I can tell you my wife and I have never looked back

 

Before I sign off I am going to have to give a disclaimer. AVEN requires us to give a disclaimer when we are talking about treatments.

 

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose any conditions. Only the person or people concerned can decide if they are dealing with a medical condition or addiction. I strongly advise anybody here that is thinking about treatments or therapies for their sexual behaviour, or indeed anything else that I talk about here, they must seek advice from a qualified consultant or therapist. Not all therapies are good. Some cause more problems and it can take a long time to find a therapist that understands the relationship difficulties that a sexual person and the demisexual person might face. The latter is not researched well, and in my case I was fortunate that the therapist we found did understand the dynamics of these kinds of relationships

 

Bye for now and best of luck. I just want you to know that there are people out there that have overcome the kinds of troubles you are talking about. My partner and I are one of those couples!!

[Egwene]

I said we'll do a trial of him using it again and me trying to deal with it. He is happy with this.

I mostly want to shred myself to pieces. He's not mine. He's theirs. I will never compare or be good enough. I want to get drunk. I feel sick. 

[Ceebs]

Everything in that post is so incredibly concerning to me. This is not the way to deal with it. You're hurting yourself.

 

For completely different reasons, I know what it's like to want to "shred myself to pieces". I feel that nearly every day, if I'm honest. In the past, I've gotten drunk to cope with stuff. I still have other unhealthy vices. It's an awful feeling, and you're right, it's sickening. I don't share the same struggles with a partner's porn use or anything of that nature, but I do know the emotions you're feeling. They're second nature to me and they're extremely painful and toxic as hell, whatever the source. It feels like an unfathomable overload at times.

 

Please seek out some help. I don't know what resources you have available currently, but you said you've been to therapy before. This sounds like an issue very worthy of that approach again. You appear to love your boyfriend and value your relationship very much, and if you want to fight to maintain it, you probably need outside help to navigate this problem. You can't just sit with this and hope it'll go away on its own. It won't, not with the type and intensity of feeling that you describe.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

In other words, someone with a habit isn’t engaging in that habit because their partner isn’t good enough, or because they don’t love their partner, etc.  It’s all about them.

True. But just as what Phil said ... both can be applied to actual sex with someone else too. It has nothing to do with you if your partner wants someone else, they come home to you, but it still would suck for most people. For some, the porn causes the same feelings as that and no matter how much we rationalize it doesnt make it better. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Egwene said:

I said we'll do a trial of him using it again and me trying to deal with it. He is happy with this.

I mostly want to shred myself to pieces. He's not mine. He's theirs. I will never compare or be good enough. I want to get drunk. I feel sick. 

I felt the same when I told my partner once Id try just dealing with it. I at one point ended up kicking a chair hard just to avoid breaking down. Punched a wall to stop from crying once too. Its not healthy to keep it in... or to just deny the feelings. 

 

If you want someone to talk to, you can PM me. I work and go school full time, but the best help for it I found was just having someone to talk to about it. Even though it still shreds your heart, it helps a little. 

[Egwene]

I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist for dealing with rape trauma I figured I'd be able to discuss it all then.

Can't afford relationship councillor.

 

I didn't do anything bad while he was using. I felted a fox. Stabbing wool repeatedly was cathartic. I wanted him to be reassuring after but he wasn't. We rowed. I've now stabbed my finger accidentally with the felting needle and it's throbbing and that feels good.

 

I feel done with it. If he wants porn this much he can have it instead of sex. I don't need sex, I need him. If this is what makes him happy then so be it. I am done fighting. 

[ryn2]

59 minutes ago, Serran said:

But just as what Phil said ... both can be applied to actual sex with someone else too.

I’d argue that porn is wanting something else, not someone else, although I felt differently about it when I knew less.  Regardless, it sucks when anything like this is causing a problem.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I’d argue that porn is wanting something else, not someone else, although I felt differently about it when I knew less.  Regardless, it sucks when anything like this is causing a problem.

But it isnt "something" - it is a person taping or photographing their body. That person is the focus of sexual desire for at least a bit. And while society says you can objectify the people in porn until you view them as non-human objects... they are still a someone. In fact, I learned the names of those someones because people pick favorites and when they want to get off, they google specific someones name. Some even have a social media presence now and you can learn their personality a bit. A lot of porn girls are instagram girls nowadays. You can get to know who your partner is choosing to get off to over you. 

 

2 hours ago, Egwene said:

 

 

I feel done with it. If he wants porn this much he can have it instead of sex. I don't need sex, I need him. If this is what makes him happy then so be it. I am done fighting. 

I suggested that once. It didnt go over well. I suggested I might feel better about it if it wasnt part of our relationship, so i didnt feel like anything was shared. If I just gave in and let the porn girls win, I might stop feeling so bad. I found no one is OK with giving up sex, either. I dont need it, they do. The porn lacks the emotional part they need. The sex with one person lacks the variety for their libido needs. Both end up needed. 

[ryn2]

16 minutes ago, Serran said:

Some even have a social media presence now and you can learn their personality a bit. A lot of porn girls are instagram girls nowadays.

True, I suppose it depends how it’s being used.  In that context it can be more like camming.

[ryn2]

58 minutes ago, Serran said:

The porn lacks the emotional part they need. The sex with one person lacks the variety for their libido needs

That’s definitely a different use of porn than I’ve seen in my partners.

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

True, I suppose it depends how it’s being used.  In that context it can be more like camming.

Which I dont get the difference in camming and regular porn anyway. Both are someone else being the object of lust til they get off. Why is one worse than other ? Same thing to me. Though, granted, it sucks knowing the names of the girls vs it being an anonymous nobody. 

 

Edit: And I dunno. My relationships over the years have all had the same issues. Some even got girls in chat rooms to give nudes and insisted it meant nothing, they just loved naked pics from anyone willing to give them. 

[Marlow1]

@Egwene. You are in the right place here at AVEN. There are a lot of Demisexual folk that are going to be able to identify with your story. Please remember that you can send a personal message to folk here too. AVEN has helped both me and my wife no end!!!

 

Right now you might not want to join a support group but I am going to post this anyway because in the future you might. Please note that S-Anon do not require your partner to be in therapy or a 12 Step group, you will be able to attend for as long as you like free of charge. And the folk at these groups might even know of other support groups in your neighbourhood that can offer support whilst you are going through this. Oh yes, also, please do not be thinking that they will be telling you to leave your partner, they will not say that. These groups are designed to help families stay together. But at the same time they help folk in our position find solutions to our difficulty situation, and just being able to talk to folk anonymously is also a massive help. You are not alone!

 

http://www.sanon.org/newcomers/is-s-anon-for-you/

[ryn2]

21 minutes ago, Serran said:

Which I dont get the difference in camming and regular porn anyway. Both are someone else being the object of lust til they get off.

To me it depends if you’re interacting with the person or not (which camming sometimes involves and sometimes doesn’t).

 

What people get of on re: porn varies.

[Guest]

Ok maybe this is best way to explain the thing:

 

If I (and im guessing OP feels the same) never saw another person in a sexual manner again I would be happiest. I actively dont want to see others naked, or sexual situations involving them. I dont think of them that way. I literally am incapable of masturbating to anyone else. Porn is a turn off, because they are not who I want. My brain links 100% of all sexual desire to my partner I am with at the time. 

 

If partners never saw porn again, or otherwise had only me to be sexual with (private porn, rl stuff, fantasizing about just me) like my ideal is for myself, they would be miserable and feel like something important was missing from their life. 

 

That difference is so huge that its hard to not feel rejected and not enough. No matter how much you know most people need more than just their partner. No matter how much you research it and talk and try to understand. You will never feel how it feels to want anything but your partner, so you never will understand fully. Just like sexuals wont get loving without desiring and will always feel a bit rejected. And asexuals wont get how sex really is for sexuals. You can try to logically get it. You can learn on paper. But you wont ever actually feel it. 

 

Among things I tried was trying to use porn myself. I couldnt orgasm and I felt disloyal to my partner trying to connect that way to another person. It felt gross. And made me feel worse, rather than the hoped  for feeling this doesnt matter sexual high to understand and stop being bothered by it. 

 

*shrug*

 

Im not morally against it. I get most use it. I get its normal. And there really isnt anything wrong with it. But, it still hurts like mad that no one will ever feel the complete sexual devotion to me that I feel to them. 

[ryn2]

23 minutes ago, Serran said:

My relationships over the years have all had the same issues.

It’s interesting (to me) how this tends to happen (to me and others).  The specifics of the issue vary (from my partners to yours, e.g.) but the presence of a trend is the same.

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, Serran said:

[...]it still hurts like mad that no one will ever feel the complete sexual devotion to me that I feel to them. 

Makes sense!

 

I think it bugged me for different reasons, which doesn’t make either way more or less sucky than the other.

[Egwene]

Thanks Marlow I will look at it when I'm feeling better.

Pretty bad place right now. I pushed myself to let him use it and he did then wasn't remotely reassuring or kind after and I've flipped into a very bad headspace. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Makes sense!

 

I think it bugged me for different reasons, which doesn’t make either way more or less sucky than the other.

Heh yeah. Any hurt sucks, no matter the reason. 

 

I remember one of my exes had in his porn stash pics of a mutual friend of ours. It didnt really bug me any more than the rest. But, I knew most people would be bothered by those and not the strangers. 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Egwene said:

Thanks Marlow I will look at it when I'm feeling better.

Pretty bad place right now. I pushed myself to let him use it and he did then wasn't remotely reassuring or kind after and I've flipped into a very bad headspace. 

Im sorry. That awkward you were just with other people so dont touch me feeling is the worst. Some polyamorous resources can help, I think. But try to remember he does love you. Even though it feels bad right now. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Egwene said:

Pretty bad place right now. I pushed myself to let him use it and he did then wasn't remotely reassuring or kind after and I've flipped into a very bad headspace. 

Sorry you’re feeling especially bad tonight.  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

I remember one of my exes had in his porn stash pics of a mutual friend of ours. It didnt really bug me any more than the rest. But, I knew most people would be bothered by those and not the strangers. 

Yeah, that would have bugged me, but mostly because my only ex who would have had something like that would totally have been sleeping with the friend and denying it.