Trying to understand a sexual person

[Egwene]

 I'm in a long term good relationship with a very sexual guy. I'm Demi sexual and so this is fine. We have lots of sex and are both very satisfied with our sex life. So this isn't a major problem but still, I'd like to try to deal with it.

As a demi I'm not attracted to other people at all and I wasn't before ever (thought there was something wrong with me). He is literally the entirety of my sex life and drive. When I'm horny it's for him not for sex generally and if our relationship ended I wouldn't care if I never had sex again. I don't need it it's part of my love and intimacy with him.

 

So I view it as extremely intimate. But he is very sexual and has sexual thoughts and desires about lots of women. I recognize this is normal but at the same time I struggle with it. I struggle with him being sexually attracted to and wanting to fantasise about others including watching porn. Because sex is 'ours' it's our intimate thing from a place of deep committed love (or I wouldn't want it). But it's not as deep or meaningful for him if he'd desire it with anyone. But I know that's not true/fair it is and he definitely views it differently with me than any fantasies but I really don't understand. Like I do not get it. Why does he need to think about other women? Why does he want to if he doesn't  love them? Am I not enough/good enough/attractive enough? If I was 'better' would he be satisfied with just me? 

I'm trying to understand not change him. I love him for who he is and that includes his sexuality I just cannot get my head round his sexuality but it makes me feel bad and I feel guilty because he's not doing anything wrong so I need to deal with it/understand it.

I'm not trying to be obtuse this is just so alien to me

 

[Sylversin]

I completely feel you on this. I've actually had relationships end due to this fact, it made me feel so insecure. I personally feel that to a demisexual sex isn't just sex, it's a pure form of intimacy that we see as sacred. At least that's how I see it personally, I'm sure many other demisexuals see it the same way.

Honestly i'm not really sure how to help you on this subject. My current relationship I don't feel insecure at all because I know he only wants me as his significant other. Maybe finding a way to feel secure in your relationship might help you feel... better? 

I'm sorry, I'm really struggling on how to help you with this... because I've had issues dealing with it myself. I know the pain of it quite well... However with time and security it's faded to the background. What really matters to me personally in the long run, is my significant other being loyal. He is so...
Gah... I wish I could do more. I'm so sorry.

[Ceebs]

It seems that you already logically grasp that it isn't about you and that it's just how his sexuality works, so I'm not really sure what more there is to explain. It seems more like a case of finding ways to alter or cope effectively with your emotions surrounding the issue. Do you two talk openly about this at all? Because if you don't, you should. Perhaps he can find ways to explain his feelings and to reassure you, or come up with small ways in which he wouldn't mind altering some aspects of his behaviour that would make you more comfortable without having to stifle his sexuality.

[Egwene]

We do talk about it but it's hard.

E.g. porn. He wants to watch it, I feel awful when he does. How do we compromise fairly? We both want to but do not know how. 

[Ceebs]

Other than requesting that he not openly mention his porn use, it's not really fair of you to expect him not to watch it. Unless he's an addict, in which case you're not required to accept someone's harmful behaviours, but that doesn't sound like it's the situation here. If he's willing to not watch it, that's one thing, but if he's not interested in stopping, there's not a whole lot you can do. If this is a significant enough problem that it's causing serious relationship issues and emotional pain, honesty I would suggest that couples' therapy would not be a bad idea.

[Tunes]

Being ace, my experience here is heavily limited.

 

From what I understand, sex, in and of itself, is only an activity to them. It CAN mean a lot and be deeply intimate, or it can be nothing but an activity to do when they get the craving or even when they are just bored. The sex itself isn't what's meaningful. It's a lot more complicated than that. So I am sure that your partner does enjoy it most with you. But there is nothing you could do to make him not be interested in the other forms that sex can take. Because they just aren't the same thing. Because it is so different (more meaningful) with you, it is hardly even the same activity (probably; take this with a grain of salt, as I am asexual myself, and just spitting back what I understand from what sexuals have told me). But as CBC has said, it looks like you already understand that as much as anyone here could explain to you. And only so much can be explained. 

 

From my experience with my aromantic partner (I am definitely romantic), I can say that it is definitely better to talk it out. And while recognizing that it is due to him being sexual and you being demisexual, that mindset really only helps you remember to keep an open mind with one another. The most helpful mindset (in my experience) is to try to view these as characteristics of HIM, as a person, not as a generalized "sexual". All you can do is talk it out and try to come to any solutions/compromises that work. It's also ok to try to experiment with compromises that you think might work, and talk about whether or not they did work at a later time. But again, I think this advice is probably something you have already figured out as well. 

 

So all I can really offer here is my own thoughts to confirm yours. As much as it sucks, I don't think it's possible to really REALLY understand on the level that you are looking for by exchanging words on a website. Maybe it's not possible at all. I don't have the strength to be THAT pessimistic, but unless you are looking to confirm your own thoughts and your own understanding of the situation, I'm not sure the forum can help you with much more than that. Sorry.  

[Egwene]

39 minutes ago, CBC said:

 If he's willing to not watch it, that's one thing, but if he's not interested in stopping, there's not a whole lot you can do. 

I don't want to stop him because it's part of his sexuality but it makes me feel so awful (sometimes as strong as suicidal) and I don't know how to be ok with it. 

One of my friends (I only discussed it with two ppl we rarely see) said if he still pushed to use it when it makes me feel that way then I should not be with him.

Which isn't fair I don't think, bf views it as something he needs for his mental health. I don't understand but I don't want him to feel awful so I need to find a way to be ok with it.

 

Part of me thinks I shd just tell him I'm ok with it and deal with the pain on my own.  I'm scared how that would result in me feeling though but then that's probably very selfish so I might try it. 

 

Thank you ev eryone for Ur responses it helps not feeling alone /crazy.

Being highly sexual is the norm so it's like something is wrong with me and I feel I should just shut up and accept it. But it makes me feel so worthless and hurt. 

[Ceebs]

If you're struggling with suicidal feelings at times, please, you really do need to speak to someone who can help you work through this. That level of distress is serious and not a normal reaction to this situation; you shouldn't be suppressing emotions and forcing yourself to deal with it alone. Please don't lie to him, either. Dishonestly about something that's such a significant issue won't get you anywhere and it'll eventually bite you in the ass somehow.

 

If it's at all an option, I really do suggest you try to speak to a professional who can help.

[Telecaster68]

I'm not sure your being uncomfortable with your partner watching porn is actually a demisexual thing: there are plenty of straightforwardly sexual partners who would prefer their partners not to, and for roughly the same reasons. 

 

As a straight guy, I'd say that his porn watching is probably something more like a quick fix for feeling horny than him creating relationships with the actors in his head - I appreciate this is something tricky for a demi to understand! Maybe a parallel would be the porn is a late night junk food fix and sex with you is a proper, really good, nourishing meal. Some junk food now and then isn't going to intrinsically turn you off the decent food, but could become a problem if the junk takes priority.

 

1 hour ago, Egwene said:

Why does he need to think about other women? Why does he want to if he doesn't  love them? Am I not enough/good enough/attractive enough? If I was 'better' would he be satisfied with just me? 

I'd guess it's a different part of his brain, not really engaging emotions or intellect, and definitely doesn't mean he finds the people involved more attractive than you. He just finds it quicker and easier to get off masturbating to porn than not using porn, like jump starting a car.

 

All that said - I think if it's making you uncomfortable to the point it's a relationship problem, then it's not unreasonable to try to find a solution together, for purely practical reasons if nothing else. Maybe make your own vids/photos/stories for him to use, so you know he's thinking of you?

[Bio 7]

26 minutes ago, Egwene said:

I don't want to stop him because it's part of his sexuality but it makes me feel so awful (sometimes as strong as suicidal) and I don't know how to be ok with it. 

One of my friends (I only discussed it with two ppl we rarely see) said if he still pushed to use it when it makes me feel that way then I should not be with him.

Which isn't fair I don't think, bf views it as something he needs for his mental health. I don't understand but I don't want him to feel awful so I need to find a way to be ok with it.

 

Part of me thinks I shd just tell him I'm ok with it and deal with the pain on my own.  I'm scared how that would result in me feeling though but then that's probably very selfish so I might try it. 

 

Thank you ev eryone for Ur responses it helps not feeling alone /crazy.

Being highly sexual is the norm so it's like something is wrong with me and I feel I should just shut up and accept it. But it makes me feel so worthless and hurt. 

Surely if he relies on watching porn for his mental health then he has a problem with it. I don’t understand the fascination with it but it doesn’t sound healthy. Maybe he might be open to getting help so he can cut down and then you will both feel better?

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

 

All that said - I think if it's making you uncomfortable to the point it's a relationship problem, then it's not unreasonable to try to find a solution together, for purely practical reasons if nothing else. Maybe make your own vids/photos/stories for him to use, so you know he's thinking of you?

That solution does not work, in my experience. Believe me, I have tried. I made hundreds of photos, dozens of videos and allowed partners to take whatever they wanted themselves. Still, they needed other womens bodies. It just isnt enough to supply your own. It never will be and its something one just has to accept as a thing. 

 

That being said... OP I get it. I feel awful when partners view it. It feels like they might as well be out inviting women to their bedroom to strip naked and let them masturbate to them. When done in our bed I feel gross sharing it. When done while Im asleep and they are near me I nearly threw up at the thought of that. It makes it feel not at all special to me to then give them my body and I find it hard to give them sex, it gets very uncomfortable to even be naked around them knowing they need other people.  Even trying to logically explain it as normal and everyone does it and it means nothing to us... it doesnt stop the negative feelings.

 

I wish I could give advice on how to handle it. I tried therapy, the therapist just said I view it as sacred and its just a different viewpoint to partners and we are both valid but different. 

 

Tried every compromise in the book as well. Tried becoming a fantasy for them. Tried supplying more sex IRL. Tried being available even at 3-4am if it meant not sleeping. Nothing worked to lessen the desire for others. Just made me feel even worse cause there is literally no way to "be enough" the way they are for you. 

 

But at the same time, trying to hide your feelings doesnt work either. Cause its hard to hide being that upset. They will notice. Even if you manage to only cry when alone, the sadness is still hanging over you.

 

It is just a thing you live with or dont. You can maybe find small things to feel better a bit, like "please dont view it around me" or "dont mention it so i can try to forget it exists". But, if you are like me, I doubt you will ever feel OK with it. No matter how much you want to. 

[Egwene]

I think he does because I don't see how it's healthy to need it, but then I don't understand so I take my thoughts with a pinch of salt.

He was originally up for getting help but doesn't seem to anymore. He did it behind my back for a while and the dishonesty hurt more than the use tbh and at the time he said he'd get help. I even found some self  help stuff for him . But I don't think he really wants to he wants to be able to use it.

 Maybe he can put down my difficulties with it as my sexuality/issues and not take ownership of a potential problem of his own I don't know. He feels a lot of guilt and shame and I don't want to add to it but I want to find a way we can both be happy.

 

[Egwene]

Serran thank you. That's spot on. I feel physically sick at the thought of it and you are right I will never be enough. 

I tried making footage and went away and he chose porn instead and it broke my heart so much because I'd really struggled making it and he didn't want it he wanted them instead. You've made me feel not alone thank you this has been killing me .

 

[Telecaster68]

7 minutes ago, Egwene said:

Serran thank you. That's spot on. I feel physically sick at the thought of it and you are right I will never be enough. 

I tried making footage and went away and he chose porn instead and it broke my heart so much because I'd really struggled making it and he didn't want it he wanted them instead. You've made me feel not alone thank you this has been killing me .

 

Ah well, different people are different. The home made stuff would work for me.

 

Do you think it's a problem for him outside of your relationship - I mean is he spending huge amounts of time on porn so that it impacts the rest of his life?

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, Egwene said:

Serran thank you. That's spot on. I feel physically sick at the thought of it and you are right I will never be enough. 

I tried making footage and went away and he chose porn instead and it broke my heart so much because I'd really struggled making it and he didn't want it he wanted them instead. You've made me feel not alone thank you this has been killing me .

 

I get it. I did that too and then it was barely used, just them. It is to me the same as if I offered sex itself and got told no thanks and had them go off and find a one night stand instead. Just crushing. And really self-esteem killing. 

 

And i know the betrayal feeling of dishonesty over it too. They feel guilty you are hurt, but they wont give it up so they lie (even though you didnt ask them to). Then it just feels 100x worse cause they lied. And its hard to trust again. And they gave you a hint if happiness by saying they would stop and take it away as illusion, which makes it harder to deal with in the future knowing what it feels like to not have it be there...

 

Its really lose-lose-lose. But, Ive never been in a relationship where it didnt happen. So, its just a thing I have accepted. Being sad and feeling like I share them. Feeling second. Feeling like the way i feel about someone is never how they will feel about me 

[Egwene]

10 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

 

Do you think it's a problem for him outside of your relationship - I mean is he spending huge amounts of time on porn so that it impacts the rest of his life?

He used to use it loads pre being with me and said he felt sometimes it was a problem.  He didn't tell me he used it til six months in and I was very shocked and he said he'd stop but did it behind my back. 

He's not happy not using it tho. I said use cartoon stuff but it's not enough 

[Egwene]

11 minutes ago, Serran said:

 It is to me the same as if I offered sex itself and got told no thanks and had them go off and find a one night stand instead. Just crushing. And really self-esteem killing. 

...

Feeling like the way i feel about someone is never how they will feel about me 

This and this. 😔❤

 

 

[Telecaster68]

If he thinks it's a problem, then you're just being supportive in helping him cut down, or stop altogether.

[Egwene]

4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If he thinks it's a problem, then you're just being supportive in helping him cut down, or stop altogether.

He doesn't really want to stop tho and I think he only sometimes sees it as a problem.

I am honestly lost and out of my depth 

[Telecaster68]

How much does he actually use it, as far as you can work out?

[Philip027]

You have to keep in mind that at the end of the day, you're still the one he's coming home to.

[Egwene]

29 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How much does he actually use it, as far as you can work out?

He isn't at the moment. Well he says he's not and I believe him (or what's the point?) But he is unhappy and frustrated and I do not want him to feel that way.

When he did use it I felt so awful it was a deal breaker for me. But I can't bear the thought of causing him hurt if he wants it that much. 

Now wanting it that much is unhealthy imo but equally it's not my call to make. He's insightful and intelligent enough to draw a line when he feels he needs to. He's managed to quit drug addiction by himself before for e.g. 

So I wanted to try and fully understand so I can find a way to be ok with it. I fear that serran is right and for me also I may never.

So the answer then is a compromise. I don't know what that could be. 

Our relationship is worth fighting for we've been friends ten years and together three and we are strong together. This is our only weakness and I do not want it to cause a hole in our seams. 

[Telecaster68]

11 minutes ago, Egwene said:

He isn't at the moment. Well he says he's not and I believe him (or what's the point?) But he is unhappy and frustrated and I do not want him to feel that way.

I'm just trying to gauge whether he would be spending hours a day using it, or it's a once a month kind of thing. 

[Egwene]

14 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm just trying to gauge whether he would be spending hours a day using it, or it's a once a month kind of thing. 

I don't know how much it would be. I don't know if he'd use it every day or once a week or what.

When he used it a lot he didn't have anybody to have sex with.

[Telecaster68]

If he's just using it for a few minutes a week for instance, I really don't think it's an addiction problem. 

[Egwene]

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

If he's just using it for a few minutes a week for instance, I really don't think it's an addiction problem. 

When he was using it before it was every night and he couldn't sleep without it. 

He said it was a need rather than a want. 

 

If he could use it now I suspect he'd use it every chance he could. I don't think he'd use it when I was in the house unless we rowed but whenever I was out for multiple hours he would I expect. 

That's what I think was happening before though he always denied remembering when he had used it 

[ryn2]

I used to feel much the way OP and serran do.  One of my previous partners was a heavy porn consumer, and my current partner once consumed porn pretty much all the time he wasn’t doing something else (including times at work that I, with an IT background, knew could put his continued employment at risk).

 

At that point it was a dealbreaker, which then led to the same sort of concealing behavior and lying others here have mentioned... and to an almost-breakup and years of counseling.  I don’t think the damage we both caused to the relationship all those years ago has ever fully healed.

 

These days, though, I no longer care.  I wish I could offer a clearcut explanation as to why, since it might help OP/others, but I honestly don’t know the answer myself.  All I can provide is a list of what’s changed.  Maybe it will make better sense to someone else here than it does to me!

 

1)  I outgrew my upbringing.  My mother was from another era and very prudish.  She considered porn a horrible thing that was universally degrading to

women, supported organized crime, etc.  Over time I’ve met many people who felt differently and come to understand that her viewpoint was both dated and incomplete.  I no longer agree with her that every porn consumer is a terrible person, so I no longer have to reconcile that against my feelings for people (or my feelings about myself).

 

2)  Via therapy and on my own, I did a ton of work on self-image, self-loathing, etc.  It’s still a work in progress, but I’m much, much better these days at not taking on other people’s problems as my own.  If my partner is into porn, I recognize it has nothing to do with me.  I’m not the cause.  I’m not the “cure.”  It’s not about my shortcomings.  I don’t need to feel jealous, inadequate, or undermined.  I don’t need to rely on my partner in order to feel okay about myself.

 

3)  I got back into fandom.  This may seem silly and trivial, but it did have a big impact.  In much of (female-driven, at least) fandom, porn and erotica are openly enjoyed and discussed.  There’s no shaming.  Sexual content is no more hidden, and therefore no more elevated in importance, than morning coffee.  People gleefully make nsfw art/write smut for their friends as birthday presents, thank-yous, cheer-you-up gifts, etc.  And while they do so, they (myself included) live their regular, ordinary lives.

 

4)  I got old.  I don’t think this did much on its own, though, judging from my mother.

 

#3 helped a great deal with #1.

 

tl;dr - for me, at least, I think the issues I had over partners’ porn were really more related to feeling bad about myself.  I was trying to make them help me manage my own emotions by not doing things that generated an emotional reaction, rather than addressing the situation myself.

[Egwene]

I get what you are saying. It makes me slightly sad tho. 

As tho having a problem with porn must be a problem with you and can't be just a problem with porn. Porn is problematic in many ways.

 

 Everything is sexual everywhere all the time and it sucks. Imo. I feel like an alien anyway. 

 

It's ok I hate it. I just need to manage my expectations of my partner. 

 

I hated it when he smoked. It's like that. I wished he didn't, thought it was unhealthy (and unethical) and I didn't want him doing it around me. He quit when he was ready. I wish I could view it like that.

[ryn2]

Agreed, I don’t think you have to come to the conclusion porn is okay.  The key part for me was separating my feelings about what my partner was doing from what his actions said about me (nothing).

 

You can certainly view it like smoking, substance use, etc.  You have a right to be concerned where it may affect you (e.g., drinking and driving could result in an arrest and/or lawsuit that affects the whole family; using porn at work could mean losing an income; engaging in addictive/habituated behavior renders a partner emotionally unavailable), but that’s different than feeling like the vice/habit/behavior itself is somehow related to or reflects on you.

[ryn2]

In other words, someone with a habit isn’t engaging in that habit because their partner isn’t good enough, or because they don’t love their partner, etc.  It’s all about them.