Jump to content
TumultuousTimepiece

A question for sexuals regarding sexual attraction.

Recommended Posts

TumultuousTimepiece

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
5 minutes ago, TumultuousTimepiece said:

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

Uhm. Depends who you ask, I guess. But, you generally choose a person to do the act with based off some sort of attractive quality - trust them, they look nice, they are a nice person, etc. If it was the act alone, any person would do. And ... very few will take just anyone. 

 

But, lots of sexuals desire the act without a specific target - just anyone not repulsive and willing works. Thats why bar pickups and one night stands are such a thing. 

 

Others, need a specific person and  / or emotional connections. Personally, I only desire anything because of my spouse. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chimeric

The person (with the caveat that I have only experienced sexual attraction once, to my current partner).

 

I met him online, so before I had ever seen him, I was pretty taken by his intelligence, his humor, his perspective on a lot of things in life, and the things that we were able to learn from and teach to each other. We clicked on a lot of levels and just worked really well together. And then I saw a photo of him, and hoooo boy... those eyes... that smile... I would happily have tossed him into bed that moment, if he had let me. 🤣

 

The act itself is meaningless, to me, without loving the person I'm with. Sex is gross, and definitely has the potential to be humiliating and certainly puts both (or all) individuals in to a really vulnerable position. For me, there's no attraction to that sort of situation. But when it involves someone I love and trust, then the concern about vulnerability and humiliation go away (or at least recede), and the willingness to share that unique type of personal intimacy supersedes the yuck factor.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

For me, I'm drawn to characteristics of the person like their personality, intelligence, mannerisms, beliefs. No matter what someone looks like, I can't think of a circumstance when I have become attracted to someone just from seeing their looks.. it's not until after I have become drawn to them as a result of their I get real characteristics that they become 'beautiful' to me in a sexual way. When drawn to someone like that, I am able to imagine and enjoy the idea of sexual intimacy with them. Whereas for anyone else I find the idea of sex with them quite awful if I haven't developed attraction for those internal characteristics previously.

 

There are those who would claim attraction to the act itself (my ex is one) but it seems for many people it's either people specifically they are drawn to or a combination of both attraction to specific people combined with a deep appreciation of and desire for the act. My ex seemed to place the act of sex above all other things, and his aim was more just to find people to achieve the end goal of sex with.. As opposed to being drawn to specific people and wanting sex with them as a result, if that makes sense? :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

I have feelings for a person based on who they are and the connection we have, and desire to share sexual experiences with them for the sake of closeness and pleasure and the particular type of vulnerability and intimacy that comes with sex. That's pretty much how it works for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Also, a far better question to ask yourself to determine the possibility of asexuality is:

 

Would I be perfectly happy and content if I were never to have sex again (or never have it at all if one is a virgin) in my entire life, even if I have a romantic partner? Would I feel like an important aspect of intimacy is missing from my life without sex?

 

Those who think something important would be missing without sex are most certainly not asexual, whereas those who can't see the fuss at all in going without sex (even in the case of a romantic relationship) and would even prefer to go without sex, are almost certainly ace, or very close to.

 

There are of course exceptions, I think there are a few sexuals on AVEN who wouldn't mind not having sex again (myself included) but for the general population those two questions are a pretty good way to establish the possibility of asexuality :)

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
27 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

There are of course exceptions, I think there are a few sexuals on AVEN who wouldn't mind not having sex again (myself included) but for the general population those two questions are a pretty good way to establish the possibility of asexuality :)

Yeah that's one where I'm a little on the fence, but ultimately I lean towards believing that if I were to never again experience the type and intensity of connection that leads me to desire someone that way, and to feel desired, I'd be sad. Once you have that at some point, it's kind of heartbreaking to think of... not. For me, anyway. But if I didn't, I would be incredibly unlikely to go searching for sex just for the sake of sex. I feel like that would create an emotional void that might make me feel even worse.

 

I will say, I'm experiencing a current and presumably temporary lack of that type of connection, because... well, that's life or whatever... and sweet holy Jesus Christ, I miss it so terribly. If you'd told younger me that I'd ever feel that way about it, I'd've looked at you like you sprouted three heads. So I guess I'm less "on the fence" than I might've thought at one point, haha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, CBC said:

I will say, I'm experiencing a current and presumably temporary lack of that type of connection, because... well, that's life or whatever... and sweet holy Jesus Christ, I miss it so terribly. If you'd told younger me that I'd ever feel that way about it, I'd've looked at you like you sprouted three heads. So I guess I'm less "on the fence" than I might've thought at one point, haha.

Yes I've felt that too, for a time. I lost my ability to connect with fictional characters for a time a year or so back and developed a deep sadness and pain at the prospect of not having a physical partner and sexual intimacy in my life etc. Though fortunately for me now that's passed and I can obsess over fictional people as I have since my childhood, and tie all my emotions and desire and passion up with them. As of now I'd be 100% happy to never have sex again, because that 'connection' is tied entirely up in fictional characters and fictional realms. But there was definitely a time when I felt the pain and emptiness many experience at the prospect of never having that connection with another person again! It was an awful feeling. Thank God I'm over that. I'm sure your lack will be temporary though, you're super nice and beautiful and funny and clever and interesting so I'm sure it won't be long at all :3 (I'm not actually sure if you mean you're experiencing a lack because you don't have someone to feel that with right now, OR it's something inside you that's causing a lack of feeling temporarily, but regardless, I hope you feel better soonies!) ^_^:cake:

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

There's a someone and it's a somewhat sporadic distance thing and we're both going through some (completely separate from our connection) really rough shit at the moment and have both kind of retreated into our own little worlds of inertia and isolation. This is not a new pattern by any means haha, I'm sure things will be ok again at some point. But I do really miss that part badly, and feel a little silly for doing so. Like that shouldn't be important or something, I dunno. I think some of AVEN's anti-sexual attitudes get to me sometimes... they've wormed their way into my brain.

 

Anyway. Thank you for the kind words. :cake: :) 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Oh I meant to ask, OP: out of curiosity, since you said you're trying to figure out if you're asexual or not, what is it that you do or don't experience?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Short answer: wanting the act is part of wanting the person. They're not separate, for me, so it's not an either/or. 

 

And sometimes someone might want want sex primarily because of the person they're with, or because of whatever's going on between them at that moment; other times that same person might just want relatively random sex because they're horny and the partner only has to be acceptable. People act in different ways at different times. We're not algorithms. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Short answer: wanting the act is part of wanting the person. They're not separate, for me, so it's not an either/or. 

Yeah I'm not sure I can differentiate between the two. If I want someone, I don't mean that I want to go for ice cream with them, or watch a movie together. Enjoyable as those activities may also be. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

It's the person.  Being "attracted" to the act (which really just means "turned on by"; attraction can only be applied to actual tangible things) only indicates you've got a libido, nothing else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
32 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's the person.  Being "attracted" to the act (which really just means "turned on by"; attraction can only be applied to actual tangible things) only indicates you've got a libido, nothing else.

I dunno. Aren't there plenty of asexuals who'd say they have a libido but the thought of sex with someone else would invoke instant 'ewwwww's.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Well, yeah, but not sure I understand how that refutes what I said?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Attraction to the act therefore isn't anything to do with libido. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TumultuousTimepiece
7 hours ago, CBC said:

Oh I meant to ask, OP: out of curiosity, since you said you're trying to figure out if you're asexual or not, what is it that you do or don't experience?

My main problem is that I don't know if i'm asexual ornam just afraid of sex. I'm a virgin and have never really... explored my nethers too much, so I don't really know "what i'm missing", so to speak. I have a libido and I do get aroused, but I never really felt the need to act on it. My fantasies don't involve any sexual contact, for the most part. If they do, i'm not involved at all in the act.

 

I've had crushes before, but the most I've ever wanted to do with them was some chaste kissing or cuddling them. I've been more attracted to the thought of growing an emotional bond than anything else. I've thought quite a few times before "Why can't I just skip the honeymoon phase in relationships where we bang and just go straight to the sexless, devoted love?" 

 

I know that body image issues come into play here, along with my lack of experience and my (mild) autism. I'm not sure how they do, though, which is where I get confused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Attraction to the act therefore isn't anything to do with libido. 

"Attraction" to the act isn't actually a thing, imo.  It IS libido, or at least it's one of the ways it can be triggered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
38 minutes ago, TumultuousTimepiece said:

My main problem is that I don't know if i'm asexual ornam just afraid of sex.

Asexuality isn't about whether you can enjoy sex (some do), but more about whether you feel compelled to seek it out in the first place (and out of more than just mere curiosity, but rather because you know it's something you want)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I agree that this concept of 'attraction' existing as a standalone characteristic without a subject is nonsense.

 

But you can be attracted to the idea of something, in a kind of abstract romanticised way surely - thinking it would be a pleasant experience. In theory, I'm quite attracted to the idea of owning a Ferrari, but in reality, I have no where to park it, couldn't afford to run it, and I'm not very bothered about cars. But as an idea... they're nice objects and driving fast can be fun. So I get that.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In theory, I'm quite attracted to the idea of owning a Ferrari,

Yeah, but nobody would actually phrase it that way.  You'd just say you want a Ferrari.

 

At any rate, if you just like to see folks fucking, it isn't necessarily indicative of anything related to orientation.  (What it MAY indicate is that you could have a voyeuristic streak...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity
15 hours ago, Serran said:

Uhm. Depends who you ask, I guess. But, you generally choose a person to do the act with based off some sort of attractive quality - trust them, they look nice, they are a nice person, etc. If it was the act alone, any person would do.

 

Others, need a specific person and  / or emotional connections. Personally, I only desire anything because of my spouse. 

Me too! I definitedly need a very deep emotional connection to experience any sexual attraction. That could only happen between me and my dedicated partner if ever.

 

Aside from that, it's generally depending on the person and act both alike. Nice looks or acts alone wouldn't do anything for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

You'd just say you want a Ferrari.

Wasn't this the argument from last week? I'd say I don't want a Ferrari, on balance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

Touche ;)

 

It's kind of the inverse to what I was arguing, I think.  In this case, you still want The Thing, but the consequences of having it dissuade you from getting one.  You're Ferrari-abstinent.

 

Not quite the same as someone who doesn't actually want sex but is willing to tolerate it for whatever reason, but yet still related enough to the point where I'm glad you brought it up >_>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Hmm.  I can see someone wanting (partnered) sex on the whole but not wanting it right now.

 

Wanting it right now is libido.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Hmm.  I can see someone wanting (partnered) sex on the whole but not wanting it right now.

 

Wanting it right now is libido.

Wanting it at all (and while we're on the subject, by this I specifically mean wanting sex, not wanting a baby, or your partner's happiness, etc) is pretty clear-cut indiciative of some kind of libido being present, as opposed to none.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Wanting it at all (and while we're on the subject, by this I specifically mean wanting sex, not wanting a baby, or your partner's happiness, etc) is pretty clear-cut indiciative of some kind of libido being present, as opposed to none.

Someone who’s completely alibidinous would probably never want sex, agreed.

 

I thought the question was whether sexuals could be said to be attracted to the act (of sex), rather than to the person, though.  Given that people who’ve never had sex may still be certain they want it, and some people engage in sex with total strangers they may never actually even meet, it seems to me the answer is “yes” at least some of the time.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

I still think it's a misappropriation of the term "attraction" to use it that way (it's definitely producing a 😕 in my own brain), but whatevs, maybe that's just me

 

Again, I don't think getting turned on by people fucking is indicative of anything other than having a libido.  Asexuals and sexuals can have this happen, so it isn't a defining sexual trait.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

I agree that getting turned on by other people fucking has nothing to do with being ace v. sexual.

 

30 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I still think it's a misappropriation of the term "attraction" to use it that way (it's definitely producing a 😕 in my own brain), but whatevs, maybe that's just me

It could be.  What would you call wanting sex in the abstract, rather than wanting sex because you find a specific person sexually attractive?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

I think kids these days call that "thirsty"? Hahaha. I dunno really. Horny? Wanting to get laid? It's something with which I have extremely minimal experience in that abstract sense myself, since for me it's generally connected to having feelings for someone. I think I've had it a little bit lately but that's been only because of a bit of a relationship disconnect, and once that passes, the nonspecific restlessness will completely dissipate. I genuinely have no serious interest in sex just for sex, so I'd never act on it.

 

 

15 hours ago, TumultuousTimepiece said:

My main problem is that I don't know if i'm asexual ornam just afraid of sex. I'm a virgin and have never really... explored my nethers too much, so I don't really know "what i'm missing", so to speak. I have a libido and I do get aroused, but I never really felt the need to act on it. My fantasies don't involve any sexual contact, for the most part. If they do, i'm not involved at all in the act.

 

I've had crushes before, but the most I've ever wanted to do with them was some chaste kissing or cuddling them. I've been more attracted to the thought of growing an emotional bond than anything else. I've thought quite a few times before "Why can't I just skip the honeymoon phase in relationships where we bang and just go straight to the sexless, devoted love?" 

 

I know that body image issues come into play here, along with my lack of experience and my (mild) autism. I'm not sure how they do, though, which is where I get confused.

Some of that stuff is familiar to me on a personal level. My best advice is to stay open to the possibility that things may change. Obviously don't do anything that you're uncomfortable with, but when stuff like mental health and inexperience come into play, there's definitely the chance that as you mature and grow and change as a person, the way you connect to your sexuality may also change. Been there, done that. Obviously you're more than welcome to seek community and support on AVEN regardless, though. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...