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A question for sexuals regarding sexual attraction.


TumultuousTimepiece

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TumultuousTimepiece

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

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5 minutes ago, TumultuousTimepiece said:

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

Uhm. Depends who you ask, I guess. But, you generally choose a person to do the act with based off some sort of attractive quality - trust them, they look nice, they are a nice person, etc. If it was the act alone, any person would do. And ... very few will take just anyone. 

 

But, lots of sexuals desire the act without a specific target - just anyone not repulsive and willing works. Thats why bar pickups and one night stands are such a thing. 

 

Others, need a specific person and  / or emotional connections. Personally, I only desire anything because of my spouse. 

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The person (with the caveat that I have only experienced sexual attraction once, to my current partner).

 

I met him online, so before I had ever seen him, I was pretty taken by his intelligence, his humor, his perspective on a lot of things in life, and the things that we were able to learn from and teach to each other. We clicked on a lot of levels and just worked really well together. And then I saw a photo of him, and hoooo boy... those eyes... that smile... I would happily have tossed him into bed that moment, if he had let me. 🤣

 

The act itself is meaningless, to me, without loving the person I'm with. Sex is gross, and definitely has the potential to be humiliating and certainly puts both (or all) individuals in to a really vulnerable position. For me, there's no attraction to that sort of situation. But when it involves someone I love and trust, then the concern about vulnerability and humiliation go away (or at least recede), and the willingness to share that unique type of personal intimacy supersedes the yuck factor.

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For me, I'm drawn to characteristics of the person like their personality, intelligence, mannerisms, beliefs. No matter what someone looks like, I can't think of a circumstance when I have become attracted to someone just from seeing their looks.. it's not until after I have become drawn to them as a result of their I get real characteristics that they become 'beautiful' to me in a sexual way. When drawn to someone like that, I am able to imagine and enjoy the idea of sexual intimacy with them. Whereas for anyone else I find the idea of sex with them quite awful if I haven't developed attraction for those internal characteristics previously.

 

There are those who would claim attraction to the act itself (my ex is one) but it seems for many people it's either people specifically they are drawn to or a combination of both attraction to specific people combined with a deep appreciation of and desire for the act. My ex seemed to place the act of sex above all other things, and his aim was more just to find people to achieve the end goal of sex with.. As opposed to being drawn to specific people and wanting sex with them as a result, if that makes sense? :)

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Also, a far better question to ask yourself to determine the possibility of asexuality is:

 

Would I be perfectly happy and content if I were never to have sex again (or never have it at all if one is a virgin) in my entire life, even if I have a romantic partner? Would I feel like an important aspect of intimacy is missing from my life without sex?

 

Those who think something important would be missing without sex are most certainly not asexual, whereas those who can't see the fuss at all in going without sex (even in the case of a romantic relationship) and would even prefer to go without sex, are almost certainly ace, or very close to.

 

There are of course exceptions, I think there are a few sexuals on AVEN who wouldn't mind not having sex again (myself included) but for the general population those two questions are a pretty good way to establish the possibility of asexuality :)

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1 hour ago, CBC said:

I will say, I'm experiencing a current and presumably temporary lack of that type of connection, because... well, that's life or whatever... and sweet holy Jesus Christ, I miss it so terribly. If you'd told younger me that I'd ever feel that way about it, I'd've looked at you like you sprouted three heads. So I guess I'm less "on the fence" than I might've thought at one point, haha.

Yes I've felt that too, for a time. I lost my ability to connect with fictional characters for a time a year or so back and developed a deep sadness and pain at the prospect of not having a physical partner and sexual intimacy in my life etc. Though fortunately for me now that's passed and I can obsess over fictional people as I have since my childhood, and tie all my emotions and desire and passion up with them. As of now I'd be 100% happy to never have sex again, because that 'connection' is tied entirely up in fictional characters and fictional realms. But there was definitely a time when I felt the pain and emptiness many experience at the prospect of never having that connection with another person again! It was an awful feeling. Thank God I'm over that. I'm sure your lack will be temporary though, you're super nice and beautiful and funny and clever and interesting so I'm sure it won't be long at all :3 (I'm not actually sure if you mean you're experiencing a lack because you don't have someone to feel that with right now, OR it's something inside you that's causing a lack of feeling temporarily, but regardless, I hope you feel better soonies!) ^_^:cake:

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It's the person.  Being "attracted" to the act (which really just means "turned on by"; attraction can only be applied to actual tangible things) only indicates you've got a libido, nothing else.

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Well, yeah, but not sure I understand how that refutes what I said?

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TumultuousTimepiece
7 hours ago, CBC said:

Oh I meant to ask, OP: out of curiosity, since you said you're trying to figure out if you're asexual or not, what is it that you do or don't experience?

My main problem is that I don't know if i'm asexual ornam just afraid of sex. I'm a virgin and have never really... explored my nethers too much, so I don't really know "what i'm missing", so to speak. I have a libido and I do get aroused, but I never really felt the need to act on it. My fantasies don't involve any sexual contact, for the most part. If they do, i'm not involved at all in the act.

 

I've had crushes before, but the most I've ever wanted to do with them was some chaste kissing or cuddling them. I've been more attracted to the thought of growing an emotional bond than anything else. I've thought quite a few times before "Why can't I just skip the honeymoon phase in relationships where we bang and just go straight to the sexless, devoted love?" 

 

I know that body image issues come into play here, along with my lack of experience and my (mild) autism. I'm not sure how they do, though, which is where I get confused.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Attraction to the act therefore isn't anything to do with libido. 

"Attraction" to the act isn't actually a thing, imo.  It IS libido, or at least it's one of the ways it can be triggered.

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38 minutes ago, TumultuousTimepiece said:

My main problem is that I don't know if i'm asexual ornam just afraid of sex.

Asexuality isn't about whether you can enjoy sex (some do), but more about whether you feel compelled to seek it out in the first place (and out of more than just mere curiosity, but rather because you know it's something you want)

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In theory, I'm quite attracted to the idea of owning a Ferrari,

Yeah, but nobody would actually phrase it that way.  You'd just say you want a Ferrari.

 

At any rate, if you just like to see folks fucking, it isn't necessarily indicative of anything related to orientation.  (What it MAY indicate is that you could have a voyeuristic streak...)

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15 hours ago, Serran said:

Uhm. Depends who you ask, I guess. But, you generally choose a person to do the act with based off some sort of attractive quality - trust them, they look nice, they are a nice person, etc. If it was the act alone, any person would do.

 

Others, need a specific person and  / or emotional connections. Personally, I only desire anything because of my spouse. 

Me too! I definitedly need a very deep emotional connection to experience any sexual attraction. That could only happen between me and my dedicated partner if ever.

 

Aside from that, it's generally depending on the person and act both alike. Nice looks or acts alone wouldn't do anything for me.

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Touche ;)

 

It's kind of the inverse to what I was arguing, I think.  In this case, you still want The Thing, but the consequences of having it dissuade you from getting one.  You're Ferrari-abstinent.

 

Not quite the same as someone who doesn't actually want sex but is willing to tolerate it for whatever reason, but yet still related enough to the point where I'm glad you brought it up >_>

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Hmm.  I can see someone wanting (partnered) sex on the whole but not wanting it right now.

 

Wanting it right now is libido.

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Hmm.  I can see someone wanting (partnered) sex on the whole but not wanting it right now.

 

Wanting it right now is libido.

Wanting it at all (and while we're on the subject, by this I specifically mean wanting sex, not wanting a baby, or your partner's happiness, etc) is pretty clear-cut indiciative of some kind of libido being present, as opposed to none.

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1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Wanting it at all (and while we're on the subject, by this I specifically mean wanting sex, not wanting a baby, or your partner's happiness, etc) is pretty clear-cut indiciative of some kind of libido being present, as opposed to none.

Someone who’s completely alibidinous would probably never want sex, agreed.

 

I thought the question was whether sexuals could be said to be attracted to the act (of sex), rather than to the person, though.  Given that people who’ve never had sex may still be certain they want it, and some people engage in sex with total strangers they may never actually even meet, it seems to me the answer is “yes” at least some of the time.

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I still think it's a misappropriation of the term "attraction" to use it that way (it's definitely producing a 😕 in my own brain), but whatevs, maybe that's just me

 

Again, I don't think getting turned on by people fucking is indicative of anything other than having a libido.  Asexuals and sexuals can have this happen, so it isn't a defining sexual trait.

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I agree that getting turned on by other people fucking has nothing to do with being ace v. sexual.

 

30 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I still think it's a misappropriation of the term "attraction" to use it that way (it's definitely producing a 😕 in my own brain), but whatevs, maybe that's just me

It could be.  What would you call wanting sex in the abstract, rather than wanting sex because you find a specific person sexually attractive?

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17 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Someone who’s completely alibidinous would probably never want sex, agreed.

 

I thought the question was whether sexuals could be said to be attracted to the act (of sex), rather than to the person, though.  Given that people who’ve never had sex may still be certain they want it, and some people engage in sex with total strangers they may never actually even meet, it seems to me the answer is “yes” at least some of the time.

I think sex under different circumstances can mean different things to the same person.  I want sex with a partner that I love, and who desires me as I desire her.  OTOH, if I were not in a relationship, and I ran into an attractive woman with an attractive personality who just wanted sex, that would be fun too.  (or least so I think - its also possible that I would actually fall for the person). 

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  • 6 months later...
On 9/18/2018 at 5:42 PM, TumultuousTimepiece said:

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

I'm definitely attracted to the person. The act is what I want to do with the person, but I would be more excited about doing non-sexual things with someone hot than having sex with an ass

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“Attraction” is a force that moves you towards something. Perhaps a “hot girl” in spandex at the gym moves my attention, diverts my eyes and probably triggers a short burst of a fantasy in my brain. “Wow, I wonder how her booty would feel in my hand, in a parallel universe?” 

My freudian ego/super-ego kicks in, and reminds me that it is not very nice to stare, unappropiate for a man of my age and a young girl. In a millisecond, I stop my drooling and turn the idea into a blop that dissappears. 

I cant say, that I am attracted to the girl, who I dont know. At that point, I am attracted to the body of a girl, I, in a parallel universe, would like to get to know physically. 

If I know someone and like them, then the shape of their body is unimportant. If the beforementioned girl seems like a terrible person, then funny enough, I also lose interest in her spandex covered booty.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Treesarepretty
On 9/18/2018 at 5:42 PM, TumultuousTimepiece said:

I'm trying to figure out whether or not i'm ace and wanted to know what your opinion is regarding this question:

 

Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

I am attracted to the person, but the act--or something close to it--is necessary for me to feel loved in a romantic way. To me, there is a Venn diagram with an intersection of friendship and lust, and the overlap area is what feels like "romance."

 

I don't know if that helps, but good luck figuring it out.

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  • 2 weeks later...
TurnedTurtle
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Which are you sexually attracted to: the person or the act? Why?

In contemplating this question, I was thinking there should perhaps be a third option --  Mr. Dane alludes to it-- the physical object of a hot girl's body. This is a sub-component of the person, but in a way I see it also as a sub-component of the act, which is why I suggest it as a possible third option. There are certain physical attributes -- the shape and proportion of various body parts, her muscle tone and skin quality, the nature of her hair -- that will attract my attention and perhaps even initiate an arousal response in my body. Draw a thought bubble, over my head and it might say something like: "Hot damn! I would NOT kick her out of my bed (you know, if she were ever to sneak in to it)." But then maybe she'll turn and smile, and her teeth are rotten and half-missing, or she lights up a cigarette, or shows a bad tattoo, or something else that could be a total turn off.

 

But the body is only one aspect of the person, and real attraction -- beyond a purely visceral reaction -- the attraction that would really drive me to want to actually have sex with a woman, can only come once I get to know her more, her personality, intellect, interests, etc... The body is still important, it starts there, but the parameters that I find physically attractive may adjust to better match those of a woman with strong personal qualities who might not be a "perfect 10." Still, I think it is unlikely that I would find myself sexually attracted to someone who was obese or otherwise had physical attributes far removed from those that I tend to like. And of course, our standards can change as we age, or find ourselves in new surroundings.

 

The act itself? Well I guess I can't see how that, by itself, can be the basis of sexual attraction. Sure, I enjoy the sensations of stimulating my organ to the point of orgasm, and I can do that by myself without directly involving another person, but not without visualization of a woman's body to help initiate the necessary arousal. Fantasy can play in to it too, imagining the sensations of caressing her skin, stroking her hair, etc... But I still need the person, or at least an image of her body, to get the process started.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
IDK who I am tho

Is it maybe that people find each other attractive, and someone sexual would like and is drawn to the act when attracted to someone? 

 

Um. Asexuals find a human attractive. But they aren’t drawn to having sex. Someone sexual will be attracted to the person, but that attraction will lead them to having sex. 

 

That “attraction” is talking about people, but “sexual attraction” means sex is part of the expression?

 

 

im not making any sense am I....

 

”attraction to sex” feels kind of clunky to me, not exactly wrong but like it’s bad grammar or something. People want sex. People are attracted to people. The two go hand in hand for someone sexual. Asexual people don’t want sex. But asexual people can be attracted to people. 

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Don't worry about the "attraction" business.

 

If you're not interested in having sex with anyone, and in fact actively don't want to have sex -- you're asexual.

 

If you're interested in having sex for sex's sake, because you want to have sex -- you're sexual.  

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Anthracite_Impreza
7 hours ago, reimagine stardust said:

People are attracted to people

Not always people... ;)

 

InB4 @Dreamsexual.

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Dreamsexual
On ‎6‎/‎6‎/‎2019 at 12:22 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

InB4 @Dreamsexual.

.

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9 hours ago, reimagine stardust said:

Is it maybe that people find each other attractive, and someone sexual would like and is drawn to the act when attracted to someone? 

 

Um. Asexuals find a human attractive. But they aren’t drawn to having sex. Someone sexual will be attracted to the person, but that attraction will lead them to having sex. 

 

That “attraction” is talking about people, but “sexual attraction” means sex is part of the expression?

 

 

im not making any sense am I....

 

”attraction to sex” feels kind of clunky to me, not exactly wrong but like it’s bad grammar or something. People want sex. People are attracted to people. The two go hand in hand for someone sexual. Asexual people don’t want sex. But asexual people can be attracted to people. 

No. You are making sense. 

 

Attraction is attraction. You can find someone hot. You can find someone nice. You can trust them, or just think they are funny, etc, etc. All types of attraction to who they are. Sometimes even just "there and willing".. 

 

If you then desire to express that attraction to who they are via partnered sexual activities, voila, sexual. It isn't really a separate attraction where you just wanna bang the person on the spot cause of how horny they make you. Its more ... sharing sexual stuff with this person could be nice or fun or whatever motivation you have for sex from personality standpoint. Some keep it casual and sex is just fun for the orgasm or physical side. Some find an emotional connection. Some find it deeply moving and love based. Whatever the reason doesnt much matter. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

It can be both. For me personally, when it's the 'act' it has generally been more of a 'no strings attached fun between two people' situation. No stong emotional connection required. 

 

However, in a relationship, it is most definitely the person. I am currently in a relationship with an ace; and I don't desire just the act as such, and definitely not with anyone else. I am simply sexually attracted to my partner. 

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