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The One that Got Away


calmao

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Hi, I am new to the site. I've known for a while that I identified with this community but didn't know that AVEN existed. So far, reading some of the forum topics has been very helpful and I think I would like to share a story about something that happened to me, losing the person that was becoming my best friend. I know this might sound like a romantic drama but here it goes. So I hadn't dated for a while due to my personal insecurities but I decided to give it a try a several months ago. I made my online dating profile and thought well let's see where this goes, and wow was I surprised what God had in store for me. Within a matter of days of getting online I connected with this girl who seemed rather interesting and was also an ace. Within a matter of days she suggested to meet up for some drinks and we had a great first date. She was cute, funny, fearless, authentic, and the list could go on. I remember going back to my friend's place after that first date and him telling me he had never seen me so happy.

 

Fast forward a few more dates and now I knew that I was interested in this girl. I told her whether she was interested in perhaps taking our dates a bit more serious and she said yes. The dates continued and it was obvious we were just hitting it off in all respects. Then one freezing evening after she invited me to her place I knew that I had reached a point where I was not just interested, but I liked this girl. So I gathered the courage and asked her out and she said yes. The dates continued and people started finding out we were now a couple. Most people we told were in disbelief that each of us was dating someone but we didn't care since we had finally found someone we liked after years.

 

The dates continued and we were having an amazing honeymoon phase. Despite the ridiculous odds of us finding each other, it all seemed like a match made in heaven. We enjoyed each others company and we were slowly getting to know each other a little better each day. Both being aces really helped in alleviating any tensions regarding intimacy since all we cared about was each other. Then near the end of the summer she had to leave for some internship but she really wanted to keep things going and try long distance. She was worried about us since we would be away for so long but I promised her we would be fine and I would go visit her whenever I got the chance.

 

About a month into the summer, my girlfriend wanted me to come over to visit her favorite city. I made plans and headed over on the next plane to the capital. The first few days I spent as a tourist because she was still at work and I didn't want to bother her, but then we got the weekend all to ourselves. This was the first time we would be spending entire days together so we both didn't know what to expect. I was a little on edge for a couple of reasons. One being that she had previously told me she had once broken up with someone she was seeing after he went to visit her and also I had just received news from home that a family member was not doing so well. I tried to push those thoughts aside for that weekend to the best of my abilities.

 

I returned from the trip and everything seemed to have gone okay. We continued our daily texting and weekly video calls. She visited me a few weeks later but we only got to spend a day together. Yet something interesting happened, I met one of her sisters. My girlfriend had stayed at my place for the night and her sister came to pick her up. It was the first time me meeting someone in her family so I was a bit nervous but nothing to the extent of my girlfriend. As I was talking to her sister she literally shutdown for a moment. I thought it was cute yet interesting.

 

I was to visit her again in the coming month but I had some planning to do due to work stuff. Eventually everything was sorted out and the tickets were bought. Days before my departure I found out that her mother would be in town and wanted to meet me. So far we had been taking things very slow and I liked that. Yet I couldn't say no and I thought that well it had to happen at some point. Also, I found out I would be spending an entire day with her close friends, which was a bit daunting. Nonetheless, I thought I would be ready for it.

 

I returned to the capital and the first day went great. I finally got to meet her roommate and had a whole day of adventures with her. I even bought my girlfriend some flowers for the first time for which she was very grateful since she had had a bad day at work. Then we headed out for dinner and went to stay at a hotel for the weekend. I am an early bird so I headed out for a cup of coffee while she stayed in to catch some more beauty sleep, not that she needed it. Then I returned and we went out for breakfast and had a wonderful day in the city.

 

As it got closer to dinner time with her mom, she started to get nervous again. I tried to reassure her that everything would be fine while I tried to calm my own nerves a bit. We got ready and grabbed a cab to make our way over. Even the cab driver noticed that she was nervous and told us not to worry and that everything would be fine. We got to restaurant and I greeted her mother and sister. It was a typical meet the parents meeting where her mother told me funny stories and she asked me a bit about me and my family. I think I did well and my girlfriend started getting more comfortable as the evening went on.

 

Once dinner was finished we decided to continue the great night and headed over to a bar. There we continued talking in a more relaxed atmosphere. I also got some one-on-one time with her mother and she told me that my girlfriend really liked me, which was amazing to hear since she was not so open at expressing emotions. Then at some point my girlfriend was telling a story about something I'd done for her and she said that that's when she knew that she loved me, or at least that's what we all heard. That evening when we got to the hotel I asked her about it and she freaked out a bit. She told me that was not what she had said and told me not to break up with her. I was unusually quiet and told her to not worry about it and that we should sleep.

 

That night was bad for a couple reasons. First, well this was the first time I had screwed up and this was our first misunderstanding, thus the honeymoon phase was over. Second, that same night I received news of the loss of a loved one. When I woke up I just needed to be with her. I made my way over to her side of the bed and cuddled, but perhaps a bit too much. So far we had never talked about what we were comfortable with or our limits regarding touch. She didn't reject me but I did feel that l might've gone a bit too far.

 

The next day we spent it with her friends at a remote beach. Her friends didn't question me as much but they were indeed curious about what I thought as they were all discussing their boyfriends. Anyway, we spent a long time in the water and eventually got some alone time. I asked her how it had gone with her mom the previous day. She told me that it had all gone very well but that I had to convince her closest sister. I asked her when she would like to meet my mom and she said she was very nervous about it. I told her maybe she could meet her soon and I don't think she liked that idea.

 

Worried, given that I am very self-conscious, I asked her if I was safe and she told me yes. She asked me the same and well I said yes but also added an additional statement I wish I hadn't. I know I am not good under pressure and it sometimes makes me say things I don't mean and should be taken with a grain of salt. When she asked me, I told her that yes she was and that she hadn't done anything that had set off any flags. I think this last statement was what broke the camel's back and it made it seem like I was insecure despite me seeing a future with her. I really liked her and was falling in love with her, but the stress of the situation made me say something, well, stupid.

 

The car ride back was so uncomfortable. I could tell something was wrong. She seemed more distant now. I was dropped off at the airport, she kissed me goodbye, and told me to text her when I got home. I did so yet she didn't respond until late the next day. Then I got the message no guy, or girl, wants to receive. She told me that we needed to talk. She told me that she was feeling overwhelmed and asked me where I stood in the relationship. I told her that I really liked her and what we had was special and I didn't want it to end. I got a bit emotional and quiet near the end and I told her that I did not want it to be the beginning of the end. Should I have said that I do not know. We didn't talk for a few days and she broke up with me at the end of the week, leaving me heartbroken, and without much of an explanation other than she did not want to have to compromise.

 

The following weeks were terrible. First, just knowing that she was gone was hard. Second, she had broken up with me after the first time I screwed up, after a trip, and on the phone. Third, a week into it, I did some crazy ex-boyfriend stuff which I am ashamed of. I would not have ever done it in full conscious but there was bachelor's party where I had a bit too much. I contacted her sisters asking them whether there was a chance in me getting a second chance. My ex was not happy about that and well she started removing me from social media. I've sent her a couple messages after that but no reply. And to make matters worse I recently got divorce news which made me go through some rough times.

 

This was the first relationship where I truly felt like I had met the one and I gave it my all. No matter what she identified as or who she was, I would not change anything about her and I would have loved her without any expectations. I just wanted to make her happy. I will never forget what such a beautiful thing we had. Seeing her for the first time, those beautiful blue eyes of hers, the first time we shared a bed, the first time I took care of her after a drunk night, the first time she held my hand, baking for the first time her favorite cake for her birthday, seeing how happy she was with the pretty red shoes I got her, her playing with my hair whenever she got the chance, and of course I will never forget our first kiss and how awkward we were about it. Finding someone like her again will be very difficult.

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Wonderful story. It is a shame she broke it off that quickly but hopefully you have some useful insight if you meet someone else you want to be with.

 

Welcome to AVEN.

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I read the whole story. The fact that there was no real reason why the relationship actually ended makes it even worse. At least, from what I read, I couldn't understand her.

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Yeah, I don't think she was really being all that upfront with you with her boundaries, causing you to have to tiptoe and set you up for an inevitable faux pas.

 

If you feel like you have to tiptoe around someone with your words and your actions all the time, it isn't suited for a comfortable relationship.

 

The way I see it, the only thing you really did that I would call wrong was try to contact her again via her sister afterward.  I know you say you would normally not have done such a thing, but alcohol doesn't excuse these things.  Not trying to lecture here as it seems like you already know you were in the wrong, but just saying that this was the only instance to me in which it felt like it was your fault.

 

20 hours ago, calmao said:

Finding someone like her again will be very difficult.

It always feels this way immediately after the fact.  Ask just about every person ever who's broken up from what they thought was a happy relationship.

 

It isn't always true.

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1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, I don't think she was really being all that upfront with you with her boundaries

I don't blame her entirely on this though. I also did not totally discuss my personal limits but I think they were less on the relationship side. I guess both of us were just trying to enjoy the honeymoon phase and avoid any conflicts. However, when we finally had a hiccup unfortunately we couldn't recover. I am very considerate though so I would've liked to talk about it, to understand her, but she was more reserved. In my case, I guess if she would have tried to force me into a haunted house we would have had to something to talk about... haha :P

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

The way I see it, the only thing you really did that I would call wrong was try to contact her again via her sister afterward.  I know you say you would normally not have done such a thing, but alcohol doesn't excuse these things.

No, I totally hold myself accountable for my actions. I am not a drinker but at the time I was going through a rough series of events. I had just lost a loved one and my relationship had just ended. Should I have caved in to the peer pressure of getting drunk for the first time, of course not, but I was not thinking clearly at the time. It was the first time I had gotten drunk and well I don't even remember contacting her sister. I only found out a few days later which is terrifying. I haven't had a drink since. That was the first time in my life I had such a gap in my memory. Nonetheless, I know I should not have done this and even after I ruined the possibility of a possible post-friendship. :(

 

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

It always feels this way immediately after the fact.  Ask just about every person ever who's broken up from what they thought was a happy relationship.

 

 It isn't always true.

I understand what you are saying, this was not my first relationship but I can honestly say this was the first one in which I felt like I had found someone with whom I could see myself spending the rest of my days happily :).

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Siimo van der fietspad

Based on what you've told us, I'm not convinced you really did anything wrong. Possibly asking her about what her mother said, but then if anybody has broken trust it's the mother herself for telling you this - and in another scenario she might well have asked you what you talked about when alone anyway. 

 

It's impossible to be certain what other stresses might have been going on in her life that she wasn't prepared to share. Work, parental pressure, phobias, assumptions, bad experiences in previous relationships, these are all things that make people take unexpected and irrational decisions. 

 

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15 hours ago, Siimo said:

Possibly asking her about what her mother said, but then if anybody has broken trust it's the mother herself for telling you this

NO! I would not blame her mom in any way, she was a sweetheart. 🙂We were just having a conversation which led to her telling me how my girlfriend felt about me. 😊

 

15 hours ago, Siimo said:

It's impossible to be certain what other stresses might have been going on in her life that she wasn't prepared to share.

Yeah, despite my ex being a Chatty Cathy, I felt, she did not like to talk about more serious matters or her feelings to openly. There were a few times where she would catch herself and change the subject for instance. Maybe she was afraid of being vulnerable with me, I don't know. 🤷‍♂️There were a few moments where she would tell me she had a pit in her stomach when I was about to leave or she would catch herself getting too corny, awe, precious moments! 😊

 

15 hours ago, Siimo said:

Work, parental pressure, phobias, assumptions, bad experiences in previous relationships

Well her work was stressful, but whose isn't! 😂Parental pressures and phobias I do not know. She did discuss with me a bit about when she told her parents about being asexual and how her family was very surprised that she was going out with somebody. Her Opa might've even given her a hard time about it, but in a funny way, like saying "Finally!" 😂Phobias... 🤔She did not like clowns 🤷‍♂️I don't know about assumptions but we both wanted to take things slow and steady. Maybe meeting her family was something we were not ready for yet and made things feel too real for her/us. As for previous relationships, to my knowledge she only had dated twice. Both short from my recollection. The one I remember was years ago and she broke up with the guy when he visited her too.

 

The one thing that worried me was that people always told me that they were very surprised that she was going out with somebody after so many years. When I finally got a chance to talk to one of her friends about it I was told that they were surprised for two things. One being that she was known for being flaky. Whether this might've indicated a fear of commitment or something maybe, but I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt. The other was that she was known for being rigid/uncompromising and had indicated before that she did not want a relationship. Apparently she had discussed this with her family and had told them that she was and would be happy being single for the rest of her life. So when they found out she was dating someone they were very, very surprised. Finding out about this did scare me a bit at the time that it would not work out but I decided to stay optimistic, everything was going good so far,

15 hours ago, Siimo said:

these are all things that make people take unexpected and irrational decisions. 

For sure her decision was unexpected but I do not know whether it was irrational. She must've had her reasons but she was unwilling to share. 🤷‍♂️

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