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When to tell my boyfriend I am asexual?


dogpuppylover

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Hi everyone. I'm new here. Up until recently, I really did not know there were others like me. It is nice to know there are. I wanted some advice on when I should tell my boyfriend I am asexual. I have been dating him for a year. I know he is the one, and due to certain things and hints I am fairly confident he feels the same way about me. To begin with, kissing is something I never thought I would do but I did end up doing it with him for the first time. However, because I always thought kissing was disgusting (I don't mean to offend anyone, just being honest for you to understand where I am coming from to better help give me advice) I was hesitant and didn't initiate really. He picked up on that and kinda knows I'm not a fan of it. So we really just kiss one short kiss at the beginning of each date and at the end. So I know he is really patient with me and probably holding back. We have talked about moving in together in the future. As far as my asexuality, for me specifically it is that I will never have sex. And that will never change, no matter what. I feel like everything is so great but this is the one thing that could make me loose him depending on how he reacts/what he could live with/live without. I obviously know I need to tell him I just do not know when is the right time, the time that is fair to him. Any random time. Before we move in? Before I feel a potential proposal? Right after a proposal? Etc...? Also, how do you bring up this topic without revealing you are an asexual to feel their thoughts out first? Thank you for any advice you may have! I greatly appreciate it.

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I would say you need to tell him before you move in together. If that means you have to break up then best not to be living together already when it happens. It would also seem like he may expext to have sex with you once you move in.

 

Someone else with experience might be able to help you with the rest you asked about.

 

Welcome to AVEN!

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hello @dogpuppylover

You probably don't want to hear this, but I think the time to tell him is now, and that you need to accept that he may want to leave  because of this.   You say that you know you will never want sex.  That is fine.  But for many sexual people, sex is an essential part of love and romance and they cannot be happy without it.   That is fine too. 

 

Some people are simply not compatible in romance.   Not the fault of either. 

 

Many of us have discovered that a mixed sexual / asexual relationship can mean true misery for one or often both people. In many cases it doesn't get better, and it isn't something where you can compromise.  

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I'll have to agree with everyone. I think you should tell him ASAP. I wouldn't move in with him just yet. Make sure you and him are on the same page.

 

Welcome to AVEN though! 

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@dogpuppylover Welcome to AVEN!

 

The right time would be as soon as you can. Unfortunately, it could be a deal breaker no matter when you tell him, and potentially far more painful the longer you wait.

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He deserves to know that you will never have sex -- tell him now, and don't sugar-coat it.  What happens after that will be up to  him, because he needs to think about whether he will need to go without sex in order to be with you.    

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I agree with everyone above, I would tell him now. In terms of how you do that, I would first bring asexuality up as a concept rather than something you identify as, mainly to see how much he knows about it. Maybe you could mention that you saw discussion online about a character possibly being ace (canon ace characters are almost inexistent, but there's plenty of headcanons!). If that's not your thing, you could send him a news article about it or the like, just to spark discussion.

 

Once you've done that and get to actually telling him, I would have some resources on hand to link him to. This is helpful so that (a) he doesn't pretend to understand it to avoid asking you uncomfortable questions and (b) it takes the burden of explaining every detail and nuance off of your shoulders. Coming out is hard enough!

The AVEN resources are all good, and the ally forum on here could be helpful for him. I also reccomend some of Ash hardell's yotube videos. They're educational, pretty accurate and address a lot of the common questions:

Ace and Aro People in relationships - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o-l20NAsI8

 

Everything Asexual and Aromantic - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQVvVhe6EPc

How (some) asexuals have sex - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbjFK8QDhVM

 

 

Of course it's very important to explain what asexuality means to you and your  feelings on these topics, but resources are a big help.

As someone who's told a boyfriend about being asexual and it didn't go so well, these are all the things I wish I had done from the get go!

 

I hope it goes well!

🖤💜:cake:

 

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The only important thing to get across to him is that you don't want to have sex, and you don't INTEND to have sex, and that is a firm decision.  Some asexuals have tried to be a little more mooshy, as in "I really don't want to have sex now..." and their  partners decide that "now" means that sex will be had later.  That just prolongs the agony for both partners.  

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Anthracite_Impreza

I mean, you should have told him within two weeks of dating but as it is, tell him now. He needs to know. He will probably be upset, angry and may not be willing to go his whole life without sex again, but it's his right to know. Refusing to tell him because he might leave is selfish, and trying to 'trap' him by making proposals first is downright nasty. You need to be completely honest that you never want sex too, not just 'right now'.

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Agree with others. Tell him now. Dont wait. You know you never will want something most people cant be happy without. Ideally, you should have told him if you knew that much earlier - far before love or moving in together were things being discussed. If you didnt, be clear to him you didnt know yourself yet. If you did, prepare for him feeling betrayed and lied to. 

 

You cant prevent it being a deal breaker if it is. But, you can preserve the good memories if things go that way. And if he is OK with it, then that will be a worry taken away. 

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14 hours ago, Sally said:

The only important thing to get across to him is that you don't want to have sex, and you don't INTEND to have sex, and that is a firm decision.  Some asexuals have tried to be a little more mooshy, as in "I really don't want to have sex now..." and their  partners decide that "now" means that sex will be had later.  That just prolongs the agony for both partners.  

YES.  Can't stress enough how important this is.  Giving the impression that this might change is just setting both of you up for misery.  Tell him that you don't want sex and that you are sure that you will never want sex. Make it clear that asexuality is as immutable an orientation as being gay.     Please accept with grace if he decides to end things - that is actually better than trying to force a relationship that will make both of you miserable. 

 

If he is OK with a sexless marriage, then that is completely fine. 

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Agreed with everyone else on telling him as soon as possible (certainly before moving in together).  Whether it not he’ll see it as a problem is harder to know, because you don’t really get into why you haven’t had (the painful discussion about) sex already.  If he hasn’t gone farther than a little brief kissing in a year because he genuinely doesn’t want much more than that, his reaction will probably be different than it would be if - for example - he thinks you’re waiting to have sex until you’re living on your own/married/etc.

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