Need some advice and thoughts.

[J.m.sab]

So I'm a demisexual male and I married my asexual wife about 3 years ago. We'd been together since about 2011 I think. We figured out she was asexual maybe the year before we got married. For her it was kind of a relief because it answered a lot of questions for herself. For me it was kind of a disaster but I had faith I could make it work.

 

It's starting to weigh on me rather heavily though. We have sex maybe once a month but went nearly a year without it at one point. She's not repulsed by it by any means. She enjoys it for the most part. But unless she's been drinking, she gets bored with the act rather quickly.

But for me, her having to be drunk to want to have any sexual intimacy is a turn off. I hate the smell of alcohol on her breath and I can't help but think "it's not her, it's the alcohol" then I feel I'm taking advantage of her even though I know that's not the case. 

The fact that she'll never desire me is what weighs on me the most though. I miss the feeling of being desired. Of initiating sexual intimacy with a partner who craves you as much as you do them. I'll never be able to have that type of connection with her and I know she doesn't understand that. 

I don't want to divorce her by any means. I do love her and we have so much more depth to our relationship than most people I know. But her asexuality is killing it for me. 

I want to ask her for a mutual girlfriend but we were both raised in homes where monogamy is the only option so the idea is very foreign to both of us even if I did have the courage to ask. I also don't want her to feel like she's not enough for me just because it's impossible for her to fulfill one of my needs. But I'm not sure I can convince her that I don't want an open marriage so I can just go have sex whenever I want with whomever I want. Even if she gave me that option, it wouldn't appeal to me. I think I want to add another woman to our relationship, but only if my wife can also build a strong relationship with that woman. I'm sure it would at some point be sexual for me, but my desire is for both of us to be happy. Not just me. 

I'm not exactly sure what to do. How to bring it up. What to say. Or how it would work. Or if I'm just being selfish and trying to justify something. 

[anisotrophic]

I think I'm the same way. (And I don't think it's selfish.) It's hard to think about never having this again. But I can't imagine another partner ... without being caring about it, and it being something my primary partner wants for me. Which makes it hard to ask for it... I want him to want it for me.

One idea, maybe ... start indirectly, that there's things you feel bad about sharing, because you're worried she won't understand or will be disappointed in you. Maybe this topic could be one where you are confessing and being vulnerable about your feelings, rather than demanding.

[bikecycles]

There are a couple of polyamory podcasts you could have a listen to - Multiamory and Polyamory Weekly. I can't remember exactly, but I think this is an issue they've talked about. I hope you'll be able to find some useful information there.

[anamikanon]

16 hours ago, J.m.sab said:

I want to ask her for a mutual girlfriend but we were both raised in homes where monogamy is the only option so the idea is very foreign to both of us even if I did have the courage to ask. I also don't want her to feel like she's not enough for me just because it's impossible for her to fulfill one of my needs. But I'm not sure I can convince her that I don't want an open marriage so I can just go have sex whenever I want with whomever I want. Even if she gave me that option, it wouldn't appeal to me. I think I want to add another woman to our relationship, but only if my wife can also build a strong relationship with that woman. I'm sure it would at some point be sexual for me, but my desire is for both of us to be happy. Not just me. 

I'm not exactly sure what to do. How to bring it up. What to say. Or how it would work. Or if I'm just being selfish and trying to justify something. 

Personally, I think the idea of a "unicorn" as the poly community calls it, is not such a bright idea. It is an already complicated relationship without you getting ideas for what two other people should be doing - one of whom is imaginary at this point and doesn't even exist. In my view, it would be far simpler for you to ask for an open relationship and seek a partner for yourself. If your wife shows an interest in finding one, she can start her own journey and if at some point both of you like the same person, so be it. Trying to begin with that highly unlikely goal is only going to have you frustrated over why the world can't align itself to your vision.

 

Think of it like this. To be poly yourself, this is what you will have to do:

1. Convince your wife
2. Negotiate relationship boundaries
3. Find someone interested in you who you like as well.

To make the unicorn situation happen, in addition to all this:

1. The person you like must be willing to also take a relationship interest in your asexual wife and to some extent find your wife attractive. 
2. Your asexual wife who loves you and still doesn't find you attractive must turn out to be bi and find this woman attractive.
3. Relationship boundaries must be negotiated between your wife and her as well as between each of you and the relationship between the other two.
4. If both of you are involved with her, issues with jealousy, etc are more likely to arise
5. If one of you falls out of love/like with the unicorn, you're back to square one.

My gut feel is that this is going to be altogether too much sex oriented thinking and have your ACE heading for the hills.

[anisotrophic]

Um. I don't think he's looking for a sexual or romantic "unicorn"?

 

Just that he'd want someone his wife sees as a friend and vice versa.

[anamikanon]

52 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Um. I don't think he's looking for a sexual or romantic "unicorn"?

 

Just that he'd want someone his wife sees as a friend and vice versa.

Not sure how it works for normal people, but I can't think of something more boring than having to make friends with someone just because my ace likes them loads. Unless that person is my type - in the sense of a friendship I'd be pursuing for myself regardless of my ace. Personally, I wouldn't want to be too privy to too many things about a relationship I don't participate in, and something like this would make me twitchy about that.

 

I'm trying to meet people to be poly with on and off and my ace is actually more open to the process than I am, but he too is rather indifferent about potential partners. He has no interest in meeting them ("what will I do there?") nor any aversion if they end up meeting socially. He's very interested in me finding something that makes me happy and has cheerfully offered all sorts of things, from support when things get irritating to cheerful offers to babysit so I can go spend some time with someone, but he is completely disinterested in engaging with the other person.

 

Edit: INSIGHT! While my ace is disinterested in meeting potential partners, I often find myself sharing information about them, offering to introduce if he wishes, etc. My motivation for doing that is to make sure he knows and is ok with what is going on. I'd rather dump someone now than hurt my ace. So in a way, it is a kind of approval seeking process to have him involved, so I have a gauge of informed consent and comfort. He tolerates it to the point of listening, etc as long as he doesn't have to go out of his way to do anything to discover the other person. He sees at listening to me being interested/excited and less of being about the other person at all.

[anamikanon]

I don't get it. Why would you want to involve your partner (or sibling or parent or anyone) into your relationship with someone you are dating? Messy no matter how you look at it. Think of it from the wife's perspective. Both of them make friends with someone, then her husband goes has sex with her and has something special with her that the wife can't do, because the wife is ace. SERIOUSLY?

[ryn2]

12 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

I don't get it. Why would you want to involve your partner (or sibling or parent or anyone) into your relationship with someone you are dating? Messy no matter how you look at it. Think of it from the wife's perspective. Both of them make friends with someone, then her husband goes has sex with her and has something special with her that the wife can't do, because the wife is ace. SERIOUSLY?

I have one poly friend whose husband/primary partner is of this mindset.  He hates having metas and wants everyone in his poly family to be poly together.  One of his secondary partners has that sort of relationship with everyone in her poly family *except* his wife.

 

His wife is willing to be pleasant to his other partners (and has other partners of her own, who are not his partners) but has zero interest (and in fact active disinterest) in being more than metas with them.

 

So, they’re out there.

 

It’s causing some strife (for her, not me!) presently.

[anisotrophic]

I knew someone with two, wife and girlfriend, they all lived together (!). Kids he was stepdad for. Eventually the girlfriend moved on to something else? They must have been amicable enough to share a house, I imagine.

 

@anamikanon I think what you said about wanting to make sure it's okay with your primary is likely to be driving the wish here. Not a sexual unicorn thing. It's more about not wanting to do something unless it's what a primary partner wants too, and worrying about the genuineness of that... thus... imagining some level of friendship.

[J.m.sab]

Thank yall for your input. I got the courage to bring it up but to no avail. She immediately stated her discomfort with the idea and refuses to even entertain it. She says she hates seeing me depressed and wants to help, but doesn't know how. She's always been stubborn about trying the unfamiliar.

 

I'll keep looking around the forums for people in my situation who made it work. Maybe I can get some insight from an aces point of view that could help me either convince her to try it or just consider it.

I also need to figure out how to explain the feeling of sexual desire and why it's so hard to not have it. 

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, J.m.sab said:

She's always been stubborn about trying the unfamiliar.

Does she tend to be someone who just comes around to change slowly?  I.e., does she say no to most changes initially and then gradually open up to the idea once she has some time to process it?

[J.m.sab]

It can vary depending on the situation. For the most part, no. It has to be a specific way, traditional, normal way, or she'll not have anything to do with it. Can't really think of any examples right off hand. But maybe if I try and stay positive she'll eventually come around. 

I know she's probably scared I'll replace her if we had a girlfriend. I'm sure me telling her that would never happen is not as reassuring as I like to think. In my mind you never know until you try. Even though I have my own doubts that it'll work, it's kind of irritating that she's unwilling to even consider the possibility that it might.

[ryn2]

Some people are strictly monoamorous, in that they cannot romantically love multiple people at the same time.  Falling in love with someone new means (or causes) falling out of love with the person before them.

 

Others may be able to love multiple people at once (polyamorous), but choose not to and/or choose to live monogamously (have sex with just one person) anyway (societal pressure, less complexity, religious beliefs, monoamorous partner, etc.).

 

If your wife is monoamorous (or you are), an open relationship may not be an option no matter how you explain it. 

[ryn2]

40 minutes ago, J.m.sab said:

I know she's probably scared I'll replace her if we had a girlfriend. I'm sure me telling her that would never happen is not as reassuring as I like to think. In my mind you never know until you try. Even though I have my own doubts that it'll work, it's kind of irritating that she's unwilling to even consider the possibility that it might.

Maybe this is a poor analogy; I don’t know where you live, or how deeply rooted you are there.  I’ll give it a try anyway.

 

Suppose you and your wife own a house in a suburban community you enjoy.  The commute is workable.  The weather doesn’t get to you.  You’ve joined several local teams/churches/organizations and established a successful career.  You’ve lived there three or four years now and expect to continue living there forever (or at least until retirement).

 

It’s not something you discuss a lot with your wife, but - although she was skeptical before you moved, because she had always been “a city girl” - she seems equally content there (the house, the community, her work, etc.).

 

In reality, she’s not content.  She hasn’t managed to tolerate the non-city nature of the place, let alone come to love it like you’ve hoped she would.

 

One day she comes to you and announces she’s planning to take a new job and move to [big city].  It’s not a breakup, and you’re even welcome to tag along.  It’s just a change she needs to make in order to be happy.

 

It’s going to take some getting used to, no?  And it’s going to evoke a strong (less-than-positive) emotional response initially.