dre.rolling

Really?

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dre.rolling

I'm currently consuming mass amounts of youtube trying to figure myself out, and one thing is bothering me:  Almost everything I've seen indicates that ace people literally do not understand what a sexy person looks like/what allosexual people consider attractive or sexy.  Is that really the case, because I definitely do not fit that criterion.  I can definitely look at a person and think they're sexy, but not want to have sex with them.  I don't get massively confused or lost when someone tells me they find some sexually attractive.  So yeah I'm just wondering.  Thanks!

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LadyWallflower

I think plenty of Ace people think other people are sexy! I do! We can think people are sexy, beautiful, pretty, handsome, cute, and so on.

 

For me, I understand people wanting to have sex with other people. I've read lots of books, I understand the principle. But sometimes when it happens in real life, I get hit by a feeling of surprise. And then I'm like, yes, that is something people do! I also have a habit of not fully understanding the full power of sexual desire. I'm like, yes I understand people desire that, but do they really desire it to that extent? I sometimes believe movies and books exaggerate it, but friends have told me they feel the full force of it.

 

So I wouldn't say I get massively confused! It's just something I don't often think about. When people mention it to me, I just blink away the spark of surprise, and am instantly reminded that that is something other people do, and then progress with the conversation.

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mashandgravy

I think it varies from person to person but I'm definitely more like you. I certainly can't relate to to the narrative of never understanding what the deal was with love or sexual attraction. I just eventually realised that those things weren't happening to me.

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Enzic

I can not say that I have considered anyone sexy.

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acethetically_amaceing

I mean, we're asexuals, not blind. 😉

 

I can sort of understand what allosexuals find attractive, but I'm never hit by that massive wave of 'wow, they're sexy'-feeling. For me, using the word 'sexy' or 'hot' feels weird, because I don't think of other people that way, so I tend to call people beautiful, or cute, as you would call a painting or a puppy.

 

I never dwell on attractive people I've seen (like I know my friends do; whenever they see an actor in a movie they find attractive, they look them up on Google and look at pictures of them going on about how handsome they are; whereas I'm fully pleased just watching the actor in the movie, while thinking 'I like their face a lot, it's beautiful' and then move on). But I can recognise when someone has features that others feel attractive, only I don't feel anything about them. So I'm not oblivious to what's considered as sexy features, but looking at them doesn't make me feel anything. I think it varies from person to person, though. 

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MichaelTannock

Personally, I've never found anyone hot or sexy, and I don't understand it.

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SilentRose

I relate to this. There are a few people I think are really hot or sexy, but I never desire sex with them. I used to think of myself as just one step away from heterosexual, but just had some faulty wiring somewhere in my brain- I experience aesthetic attraction, I find certain people incredibly attractive or even sexy, but I never have really wanted sex with them.

 

Asexuality is such a diverse label and we all have different experiences. Some aces have no idea what sexy even means, and some like me can call people sexy but still ID as ace. Don't worry if you don't fit exactly into a certain box, you are you :)

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TheAP

I can recognize what other people consider sexy, but "sexiness" doesn't appeal to me personally. But I do find people cute or pretty.

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kiaroskuro

I don't fit that criterion, either. I have a feeling there are many aces who don't, and I believe that there are many shades between asexuality and demi-/graysexuality. It can get confusing. But after all, they are just labels.

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Laplace

I can understand what other people find attractive even though I don’t really care about it myself. Though my assessment of people’s appearance is pretty basic compared to perhaps the average sexual individual. I pretty much only have like three categories: nice, normal, and staggeringly ugly. I don’t really describe people as sexy or cute cause I feel like those adjectives would only apply if I had some degree of physical attraction towards them.

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Anthracite_Impreza

It's more of an exaggeration really; we don't understand sexy on a physical level but we can admire looks, or even just know what our culture sees as sexy.

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Philip027
3 hours ago, dre.rolling said:

I can definitely look at a person and think they're sexy, but not want to have sex with them.

What exactly causes you to use the descriptor "sexy" to describe them, then?

 

To me this is like calling food "tasty" even though you would never eat it.

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

What exactly causes you to use the descriptor "sexy" to describe them, then?

 

To me this is like calling food "tasty" even though you would never eat it.

Because they're gorgeous on a level "regular" words don't describe. I've called cars sexy before.

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Philip027
11 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Because they're gorgeous on a level "regular" words don't describe.

The English language has plenty of better suited words for this.  Arguably too many.  Why settle for one that's very clearly inaccurate?

 

This sounds a lot like a school kid insisting on calling something he dislikes "gay" or "retarded" (obviously misleading, if not outright offensive, uses of the terms) because he can't be bothered to consult a thesaurus.

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Light02
3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

What exactly causes you to use the descriptor "sexy" to describe them, then?

 

To me this is like calling food "tasty" even though you would never eat it.

Personally, what I mean when I say I find people sexy but I don't want to have sex with them (for example, Arianna Grande) is that I would like to see this person naked but I don't want to touch them/have any sexual relations with them. It's kind of an aegosexual thing (you know, that gray-asexual microlabel meaning you like porn but lack the desire to actually engage in sex, just like other aces), at least for me.

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Anthracite_Impreza
10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

The English language has plenty of better suited words for this.  Arguably too many.  Why settle for one that's very clearly inaccurate?

 

This sounds a lot like a school kid insisting on calling something he dislikes "gay" or "retarded" (obviously misleading, if not outright offensive, uses of the terms) because he can't be bothered to consult a thesaurus.

I dunno, it's the first word that comes to mind. I don't tend to think about the most accurate word when struck by "Fuck me, what a sexy beast".

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Roidgy

Dudes are hot as hell!!! But I just wanna look at them an touch their tiddes, not have sex with them, ugh

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dre.rolling
4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

What exactly causes you to use the descriptor "sexy" to describe them, then?

 

To me this is like calling food "tasty" even though you would never eat it.

I think part of the reason I use "sexy" is that the person is clearly being marketed to be sexy; if someone is on tv in a bikini with wet hair and glistening skin, crawling around on a beach at sunset, clearly that person is being marketed as sexy, so I call them that.  I don't call anyone I see in real life sexy, the same way I don't look at anyone and think "I'd have sex with that person."  I might them hot, because they're good looking and frankly everyone uses the word hot; it would me way more conspicuous to use another word, even though that word may be more accurate.  But I'm just as likely to say beautiful, gorgeous, etc.

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To Each Their Own

I think I’m able to objectively recognise what society thinks is “sexy”, for the most part. I mean, people have been pointing it out to me my entire life!

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Philip027

Yeah, but the odd part to me is calling it "sexy" yourself when you don't find it that way.

 

To continue the food analogy, it would be like me recognizing that the majority of people think pizza is delicious, and therefore I describe it to someone unfamiliar with it as delicious... even though I can't stand pizza.  You kinda need to at least add on a caveat statement (that somehow makes it clear that most people find it delicious, even if you don't) or something, or else it just doesn't make sense to say.

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To Each Their Own
8 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Yeah, but the odd part to me is calling it "sexy" yourself when you don't find it that way.

I did not know if it’s odd. However, I don’t personally use that word to describe people or things because it would make ME feel odd to do so. 

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secrethamster

Less than 5 times in my life have I had any opinion, good or bad, about someone's appearance (I'm talking about faces only). I've tried many times to understand what other people were saying when they say someone is hot or cute or whatever, but I can never relate. 

 

For your situation, is it possibly aesthetic attraction? To me, the word "sexy" implies a desire for sexual actions, but I could be wrong. It is possible for asexuals to be attracted to a person's appearance without wanting it to be sexual, but I wouldn't use the word "sexy" in those situations if it were me. 

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breezycalm

I can find men and women attractive on a aesthetic level. But as someone on the asexual spectrum, my brain can't process what its like to look at someone and be sexually attracted to them. If I'm capable of that, it hasn't happened yet. 

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violas

Honestly...for asexuality just as most things sex & gender-related, there is a range. I am of the sex repulsed variety of asexuals, however, I can still find people attractive. I think that's the difference and that may be your hangup. Yes, asexuals can find people attractive or hot. The term/word "sexy" is just a variant of that! :) Sexy is just a term and while it may fit, other terms may fit better for the situation you're describing. I hope that helps!

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