OneSadBoi420

Am I Asexual or mentally damaged?

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OneSadBoi420

Okay, so I identify as asexual and I'm very comfortable with my identity. for so long I felt like there was no one like me, that felt like I couldn't be a part of the LGBTQ+ community because I wasn't gay or queer enough to join. But I knew I didn't feel straight. I've been identifying as asexual for about a year or so now and came out as asexual in June? I haven't gotten any shit for my identity which I am SO grateful for, but there are still days where I question "Am I asexual enough?" I know asexuality is a spectrum and that I am indeed asexual, but I can't help the feeling of being judged from afar. Every now and then I take a quiz to see if I'm truly asexual, sure enough, I am. And yet, there is still a part that wonders "what if I'm just damaged?"

You need to know a bit of my backstory to somewhat understand why I'm so insecure:

 

I had a fairly good childhood nothing amazing but I always had clothes on my back and food on the table. that said I've never been 'popular' and my parental situation was never great. My mum and my dad had a pretty nasty divorce in 2012, my mom assaulted my dad several times and he had no choice but to call the police. My siblings and I still deal with her trying to slander my father's name and her incredibly biased and hostile look on the matter. Going into sixth grade I was a timid yet spritely lass and very, very stick-ish. School hadn't gone great that year and following into 7th it got even worse. I went for an AA cup to a C in about 3 months, and by the end of the year I was a D. That was an extreme change for me, not just because I was young, but everyone started looking at me. Not in a positive light but in a more sexual sense. I was never the flashy popular girl time that goes around with deep a V-neck, yoga pants and uggs (as that was the trend in 2013-2014) and I didn't want to be.

I didn't want to be sexy, I didn't want to be hot. I wasn't even comfortable with being beautiful or pretty, the guys at my school started noticing me and it was new and kinda weird, to be honest. I started "dating" this kid named Steve, STEVE... I'm rolling on my floor in stitches because of how silly I was back then oml... Anyway, I was already a D cup at 12 they still advised me to get a push-up bra and then stuff my bra with socks and tissues. This did not help me with Steve but back-fired immensely, he dumped me a short 2 weeks after I had gotten the push-up bra, and called me a slut. I brushed it off and kept going to the Friday teen-skate night that my friends went to. Other guys looked at me in a way that made me feel disgusted, they looked at me with lust and some actually approached me asking for my number. These boys were all around 17 years old. I repeat, 17 years old!!!! I was TWELVEnot even an actual teenager.

When I got home I threw away that bra and all the extra stuffing I was told to put in it. I put that year behind me and left the friend group I was in and met a slew of amazing people, one of which was my best friend, Mika. 8th grade sucked, just all of middle school, but she made it better. We were inseparable, we would talk for hours about the most random things such as: How many Australias would it take to reach Jupiter? the answer? 147,000 Australias (in km) lol. In my freshman year of high school I was now at a DD and had severe depression and anxiety, I ended up missing 1/3 of the school year due to my skipping, several ER visits, and a week and a half long stay in a mental hospital. I hated my body so much, I hated how everyone wanted to get in my pants, and I hated that I couldn't understand the appeal of sex. 2015 was one of the worst years of my life. I tried to kill myself about 8 times within the span of 6 months. And 3 days before school got out for the summer, my best friend Mika successfully committed suicide in a forest near the school where I later found her.

She was the one who introduced me to asexuality, and she herself identified as demi-sexual. Now I don't know whether that's a crazy coincidence meeting another person who is on the asexuality spectrum when it is said that only about 1% of the population is asexual. Or that I've fabricated my sexuality to feel closer to Mika. I just want someone who is asexual help me validate myself so I don't have to constantly live in self-doubt.

 

If you read all of this ^^^ thank you for taking the time to read my story and helping me understand who I truly am. 💜💜💜

 

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Anthracite_Impreza

Answer me one question, do you want to have sex?

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InquisitivePhilosopher

Hello. :cake:

 

Just to let you know, there are heterosexual/homosexual, etc. people who've had a similar upbringing to yours (i.e., parental divorce, witnessing domestic abuse and anxiety about receiving harassment from others, due to their growing bodies during puberty), but that didn't cause them to be asexual; likewise, there are asexuals whose upbringing didn't include parental divorce, witnessing domestic abuse, etc.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were in pain and disliked your body. Are you trans? I noticed your username is OneSadBoi, so I was kind of wondering whether perhaps you were experiencing body dysphoria. There are trans people in the Gender Discussion forum who experience body/chest dysphoria who might be able to help you or answer any questions you might have if you're not sure you're trans.

 

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TheAP

If you don't experience sexual attraction, you can call yourself asexual, no matter what happened in your past. There is nothing wrong with not being interested in sex. It's normal to have doubts about your identity, but I hope over time you will come to accept your asexuality.

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I had a friend try to commit suicide, but I can't begin to understand what you went through with finding yours like that.
I have my own traumas, but they don't compare.

 

I will tell you what I tell myself anyway because it's the only answer I have.
If you don't experience Sexual Attraction, the desire to have sex with another person, then you are Asexual, no matter the cause, if there is one.

10.jpg

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OneSadBoi420

@InquisitivePhilosopher

I don't believe I am. I'm comfortable with my feminity but I become very uncomfortable when people sexualize me in any way. I use OneSadBoi420 ironically because I think it has a very edgy meme-ish feel to it. Thank you for asking and giving me a referral to groups that, if I did think I was trans, would be able to help.

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OneSadBoi420

@MichaelTannock

That is the most delicious and #Extra cake I have ever witnessed. Thank you for blessing my feed 💜💜💜

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Feynman

Welcome to AVEN, @OneSadBoi420!

 

I am extremely sorry to hear about your experiences. Still, remember that you are now part of a truly wonderful community.

 

If you are feeling down for any particular reason, you can post in the Tea and Sympathy forum, and receive support from various members of the community. Or, if you just want to cheer yourself up with some fun and interesting games, you might want check out our Arcade. There really is so much to do; I think you'll like it here. Have some cake!2018_Peanut-Butter-Chocolate-Ice-Cream-C

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secrethamster

I can relate to (some) of what you are talking about. Now, I have a small chest and have almost never had anyone show interest in me, but hear me out.

 

I have always hated my chest, swimsuits, skirts, short shorts, tops that aren't just unisex t-shirts, and anything stylish or feminine. My mom repeatedly asked if I was transgender, because I would say things like "dresses just repel me. I don't care if other people wear them, but I just CAN'T." I recently realized that my fear of appearing feminine was not body dysphoria, but an association of femininity with sexuality (and I am asexual, so this is not how I want to be seen). Yes, I know that's probably an unhealthy outlook, but our culture is SO obsessed with sex. In advertisements, women are more often shown as being sexy. While men may be portrayed this way as well, there is also a theme of being strong protectors and stuff. I associate masculinity with being tough, but I can't help but see displays of femininity as trying to be sexually attractive.

 

From your original post, you appear to be asexual. It doesn't matter if you were born that way or became so, and you can change labels later if you realize you have changed.

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OneSadBoi420

@secrethamster

I totally relate to the feminity=sexual/sexuality, women are just portrayed as these sex objects. Not just in the media but EVERYWHERE! At school, the grocery store, the mall, if I feel comfortable wearing an even slightly form-fitting shirt, people will stare at me, guys will just ogle at me. Not something I want, at all. And to be special or memorable in film a woman has to be sexy! I hate it! I don't want a heroine who is sexy, but strong, powerful, and a good person through and through. That's what I want to be seen as, someone not regarded for my figure or my 'beauty' but by how passionate I am about equality, how bad-ass I am when it comes to my sewing ability. I don't want to be a sexy/beautiful princess (who stereotypically is just a useless sex object, ugh.) I want to be the most BAD-ASS pirate woman, like Anne Bonny.

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Tunes

There is a fairly simple way to tell if it's a mental disorder or asexuality. Like the first post said, ask yourself if you want to have sex.

 

See, people who have a disorder will generally WANT to, but can't get aroused. The fact that they can't get aroused will cause severe DISTRESS - not because of society or the way people treat them or say they should feel, but because they WANT to experience sexual arousal and can't. If being unable to be aroused doesn't bother you, and you don't want to change it and it doesn't cause you distress, then it is asexuality. :cake: 

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Tunes
8 hours ago, OneSadBoi420 said:

@secrethamster

I totally relate to the feminity=sexual/sexuality, women are just portrayed as these sex objects. Not just in the media but EVERYWHERE! At school, the grocery store, the mall, if I feel comfortable wearing an even slightly form-fitting shirt, people will stare at me, guys will just ogle at me. 

It's really funny - I was a fat shy kid. Granted, I didn't get the chance to wear "showy" clothes for most of my life - my grandmother (who raised me) essentially made me wear bags for clothes (clothes multiple sizes too big for me) because anything else showed that I had rolls, which was, apparently, the end of the fucking world... But even when I did get the chance to wear more form-fitting clothes, it was like the rest of the world confirmed what my grandmother thought. When I got into high school and forced my own choice of clothing into my closet, guys were still uninterested. I was dieting myself to misery through all of high school, wearing the "sexiest" clothes I felt I could get away with, because I was insulted that guys DIDN'T look at me that way. I kept wandering, "What's wrong with me?" (If that's not an indication of how obnoxiously common this issue is. The idea that people didn't look at me that way was taken (and treated) as an insult!)

 

Well, in college, one guy finally did. It only took one. Before then, I hadn't realized how uncomfortable it feels - I just wanted to stop being considered "ugly" no matter what I did. At this point, I wasn't even dieting anymore because I never lost weight anyway and just decided that it wasn't worth it and I didn't care anymore. So this guy, after giving me that look, asked me for my number, and I think I just burst out laughing and told him that I didn't own a phone - insisted on it even when he called my bluff, even when I took my phone out of my pocket to check the time... As soon as I realized that it wasn't what I had thought it was and I didn't need the approval of random strangers, I started exploring actual styles and looking for stuff that I like wearing and that I think I look good in. If guys still give me that look, they don't bother saying anything about it and I don't notice. Even if I did, I'd probably just laugh. At this point, the entire concept just seems so ridiculous.

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