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New and married to husband of 10 years


Kirsten M

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This past Thursday my husband of 10 years decided to tell me he is asexual. I knew something was different from the night we got married.  He made me wait 3 months after our wedding to have sex and it was less than joyous.  I felt like he forced himself,  so all I could do is cry.  It's been that way ever since.  We planned or two children and that's been about it in all the 10 years.  I am lost and confused.  Over the past decade ive turned to food for comfort,  lost any type of self esteem I once had and I'm at the bottom of the barrel from depression and rejection.  I've been asking myself for so long"what's wrong with me" come to find out now... nothing.  I'm crying as i write this because i have nobody to even talk to about this.  All I want is for him to be happy now that he finally found himself.  This is all so new to me,  I feel like a bad person for being so hurt and Heartbroken over this. 

 

Sorry if this is in the wrong place,  I've never put anything on a forum before. 

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I'm so sorry you had such a life, Kirsten. Nothing is promised in this world. My friend grew up in Nazi Germany. It couldn't have been pleasant. But I hope things are looking up for you now. Are you going to get a divorce and try to start over? Good luck and hugs.

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Hi,  everything is so new still.  I'm honestly clueless as what my future plan is.  I'm 44 and never even thought about having to start over.  Everyone deserves to be loved,  we are just different in our needs. 

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Juliatransdress

I'm sorry that you have to go throught this. I hope that life will get better.

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Hello, Kirsten.

I’m very sorry to hear about your situation. But I do think that when a person neglects themselves (like starts stress eating, loses shape etc.), it’s a bad thing and a sign that something needs to be changed. It’s your choice whether to divorce, to open your relationship or to accept yourself as a happy “nun” – whatever works best for you. Counseling might help find the right way for you.

I know that 44 might seem a bit late to start something really new, but I know quite a number of people who found very happy partnerships in their later years – having divorced and alcoholic etc. It’s always hard to change your life – leaving in a rut is much easier. Sadly, if I understood your story, it doesn’t promise you much happiness. So, the choice is yours.

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This is the right place in the sense that you will find others here in the same situation.  You have my, and many other's sympathy. Most of us in this situation have not found a good solution that makes us and our partners happy. 

 

In the end, you cannot change him, you can only do what you can do.  You are left with an unfortunate set of choices, but you need to try to find the best one.

 

Being mean, I typically write "leave, cheat, live like a nun".    WIsh I knew a better option.  Sometimes compromise can work, but I think it rarely works well.

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@Kirsten M this is the exact rigth place for your letter! I will not welcome you, as I would rather have you leave the club, if you catch my drift? It is not easy having the love of your life, who just doesnt need/want to share that love in a sexual manner. Most of the sexuals here, are deeply in love or at least have intertwined live-stories with an asexual. You have to start asking questions and forget about all those advices from magazines and tv-shows about how-to-turn-your-husband-on, and how-to-fuel-his-desire. 

First of all: is it worth the figth? Is he a fantastic husband in other aspects? Do you love eachother?

then: what do you and he need to achieve happiness?

and: is it possible to make deals/arrangements that help you with that?

 

to me, after blaming everything else for the first 10+ years, it has helped somewhat to remove “sexy” from the equation. No sudden wet kisses, no groping, no mentioning of lust/sexy! Not hugging with hands wandering, no foreplay, no expectations... apart from at our businesslike agreed upon set schedule for sex.

 

what you need to do, is to embrace your sexuality and express it. If he cannot meet your need, then you should both talk about what options there are. He has every rigth to decline and never participate in anything sexual ever. He has no rigth to blame you if you want to have partnered sex. 

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I hope you keep us updated, Kristen M and your story has a happy ending.

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First of all, welcome Kirsten.  I know you are overwhelmed right now, and that is perfectly normal.  

On 9/15/2018 at 5:21 PM, Kirsten M said:

I'm honestly clueless as what my future plan is.

Again, perfectly normal.  Thing is, take the pressure off yourself to come up with a "future plan".  I know it is most likely an instinctual response; personally when I put the pieces together and my husband admitted to his orientation, all I wanted my brain to do was high tail it into full throttle and have this master plan to stop the pain, really.  

On 9/15/2018 at 5:21 PM, Kirsten M said:

I'm 44 and never even thought about having to start over. 

Starting over is the last thing most of us think about at any age, I reckon. 

On 9/15/2018 at 5:21 PM, Kirsten M said:

Everyone deserves to be loved,  we are just different in our needs. 

We go into our marriages with full faith, trust, and belief that we are going to live in a relationship with both components of emotional and physical intimacy present and working together.  Yes, I think most sexuals would agree that these are basic needs for us that define the essence of the marital relationship, that sets it apart and makes it unique.  

 

And, Kirsten, you have made a very telling statement there....how everyone deserves to be loved, and that includes you too!!  That is the first step.  You are deserving, and shouldn't settle for anything less.

 

There's the thing, how you find that love that you deserve.  Well, you will find many creative ways here in which sexuals make it work.  

Not to be lady gloom here, but think about this:  it is work, any way you slice it, hard hard work.  in the end  staying together will involve major compromise,which may work in the short term but I have serious doubts that these compromises work in the long term.  I made all sorts of compromises over the better part of my 27 year marriage, and have decided that I am worthy of more than just settling for a continued lifetime of compromises.  I am 55, if that helps you feel better about your age off 44 (you youngster!!).

 

Good luck, I hope you find your happy!  Keep us posted.  It's a great place to bounce ideas/strategies/philosophies off of each other, along with the occasional word sparring matches you'll see cropping up, just to keep us entertained, haha!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation Kirsten. I don't have any grand advice but I will echo what others have said, and that is not to make any decisions or try and figure out what your future will look like just yet. You're just realising that the future you thought you had will look very different than you believed. Take time to reevaluate and figure out what you're feeling and what you want. Whatever happens, take the time to look after yourself, and remember you are not alone.

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All these responses are amazing.  I finally feel like I'm not alone.  

 

As far as making decisions,  I'm seeking counseling with and without him.  I want my old self back. 

 

As of the day I found out,  he hasn't really spoken to me.  I guess he and I both need time to research and adjust.  I've been living in a spare room in the house for a while so not being in the same bed hasn't  been a problem.  More and more pieces are coming together for me. 

 

How do you all deal with the lonely feeling? I'm finally discovering my feelings,  until now I never accepted that what I was feeling was loneliness.  Its powerful.  I'm lonely same as before but now it seems different.  

 

Thanks for letting me get things off my chest.  

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, Kirsten M said:

All these responses are amazing.  I finally feel like I'm not alone.  

 

As far as making decisions,  I'm seeking counseling with and without him.  I want my old self back. 

 

As of the day I found out,  he hasn't really spoken to me.  I guess he and I both need time to research and adjust.  I've been living in a spare room in the house for a while so not being in the same bed hasn't  been a problem.  More and more pieces are coming together for me. 

 

How do you all deal with the lonely feeling? I'm finally discovering my feelings,  until now I never accepted that what I was feeling was loneliness.  Its powerful.  I'm lonely same as before but now it seems different.  

 

Thanks for letting me get things off my chest.  

 

 

 

I don't think the loneliness goes away. Being lonely while with the person you love and surrounded by friends doesn't help. For me its not a "sharp" loneliness, just a sort of dull undercurrent that something important is missing. 

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Oh, my loneliness was sharp, my partner and I hadn't known, it's been a big transition. And basically impossible to talk to others.

 

The forums help some. I also talked to my partner a lot -- but in my case, we didn't lose emotional intimacy (or even much sexual intimacy), even though it was so upsetting.

 

Also, I did a lot of reading on my own. You might try getting some books about asexuality (I got ones by Julie Sondra Decker and Anthony Bogaert). This gives a more holistic understanding than forums can give you, and something you can tell your partner about, potentially share with them...

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7 hours ago, uhtred said:

I don't think the loneliness goes away. Being lonely while with the person you love and surrounded by friends doesn't help. For me its not a "sharp" loneliness, just a sort of dull undercurrent that something important is missing. 

Totally the same feeling for me.  It is almost like a dull ache.  

Since I made the decision to leave, I tell myself regularly, "I'd rather be alone on my own terms than on his terms", if that makes any sense.

 

2 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Also, I did a lot of reading on my own. You might try getting some books about asexuality (I got ones by Julie Sondra Decker and Anthony Bogaert). This gives a more holistic understanding than forums can give you, and something you can tell your partner about, potentially share with them

Yes, the books do shed light on the big picture.  I also read the one by Julie Sondra Decker, which I regard as an "Asexualtiy 101" primer for the layman.  Another one is by Dave Wheitner, interesting read based on real life experiences and options for coping and preserving the marriage and family unit.  

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It's a kind of bereavement - you weren't with the partner you thought you were, or in the relationship you thought you were. Some counselling/therapy might be really helpful, just to untangle your feelings out loud.

 

The tricky bit is that unlike a normal bereavement, it's ongoing. Every situation in which you'd anticipate and want sex, it triggers again. 

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's a kind of bereavement - you weren't with the partner you thought you were, or in the relationship you thought you were. Some counselling/therapy might be really helpful, just to untangle your feelings out loud.

 

The tricky bit is that unlike a normal bereavement, it's ongoing. Every situation in which you'd anticipate and want sex, it triggers again. 

To me it feels like the old idea of unrequited love.  You are near the person you love. Talking to them, spending time with them - but you can never have the romantic relationship that you want. 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

To me it feels like the old idea of unrequited love.  You are near the person you love. Talking to them, spending time with them - but you can never have the romantic relationship that you want. 

That’s how it feels from the ace side too.  The difference is in the definition of “the romantic relationship you want.”

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