crocodal

hello, my name is crocodal and i think i might be asexual

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crocodal

it's a preety confusing time in my life as i dig deeper into my personality and trying to figure up my sexuality.

guess the better way to start an introduction is with the begining.

because of my mental ilnnes which i would not like to discuss or specify, the begining is a bit fuzzy

my first crush was around age 15 when i started to devolop an atraction for this girl who was amazing (i still think about her and sometimes look at her facebook page)

at fifteen i was a three year veteran of masturbation and until recently i realised i did not fantasy about girls or guys when i did it (even thou i was watching heterosexual porn)

, it was very exciting to find myself and discover pleasures ive never experience before, this girl rejected me and the gave me a hug, which till this day is the most intense pleasure ive experience, i know sex with this girl (i dont feel confortable calling her just a girl because she was much more.. so i called her MANIA) whould never be as excited that the hug she gave me.

long story short, mania and i fell apart throw the years and i was gealos on every guy mania was being friendly to... anyway i dont want to rant about  mania, i just wanted to mention her because i think she was my first love.

 

fast forward a few years and i was a young teen almost to be a man (by the law) and because my mental ilness i mention before and probably the society preasure in my country (romania my friends) who played a big role and my friends and sisters were buging me about being a virgin so i've decided to go to a prostitute for "the ultima pleasure everybody is talking about" .. i didn't want to feel different or broken so i saved money and rided my bike to a truck garaje where i knew ill find one... i pay the lady and we start having sex.. IT WAS FUCKING DIRTY and i couldn't

focus, my penis whould go soft a few time, it was stresfull, the lady kept asking me if i would be done this year.... it took more then 10 minutes but finally i cum.

 

on my way home i didnt feel relive or better or happy or satisfy.. i dont remeber exactly what i felt but it sure was not pleasent. i kept telling myself that i should be proud because now i am a man and thats what mens do. i got home and made a shower and i try to think about it when i masturbate but it didnt feel right, it felt force and made me more abnoxious.

please dont judge me for thinking back then that just what men do, i come from a very.., well... let's say a country in recovery from an old stereotypical, judgmental and prejudicious mindset.. beautiful people and places thou... anyway, im ranting again.

 

one year later i felt the presure of my new entourage to have sex again, and i knew this girl who was into me for 3-4 years but i never have in mind a sexual act with her. i called her and we talk for a few weeks, but i was very symtomatic from my ilnnes and all the weed so i decided to call her to my place to "watch a movie" to have sex and be over with, even that i was in a very confusing period of my life (not because of not knowing my sexuality) i knew she would fuck me.. well, we fucked... it was not diferent then the first time, maybe even worse  because i knew she wanted to fell pleasure and i was just not the right man to deliver it, it was different then with the prostitute, because the prostitute did it for money, so i felt no obligation there. we fucked, we talk for a week after when we tryied to have a reletionship and we did not talk anymore, now that i think about she probably wanted to have sex again, but for me sex with her was just to prove my friends that i can do it. i would lie if i sayed i didnt like kissing her and hugging her and cuddle her, that were the only thing i liked.

 

after one year i stop from trying to prove my friend i was not broken, because i had the sex, i did it, nobody could say i did not try and make me feel less normal. but the worst thing is that i start to try to prove myself that i am a man and... well... in this crazy society thats what men are projected as " horny cant keep it in his pants" .

i've tryid again with prostitutes but coudnt do it for more then.. maybe 30 seconds or 1 minut maximum. instead i settle for a blowjob, which was slighty better then sex.

 

i still want a romantic reletionship with a women and i gaze to the idea of doing some kinky ( i think that the word) stuff, i still do enjoy some porn WARNING GRAFIC CONTENT: porn where women keep sexy poses and i rather not see ALL OF IT when i look at porn, i thought lately that i whould jerk off if i had a girlfriend and shes doing a sexy pose, i also watch today guys masturbate and i get off three times. i do get aroused when i read about people having sex even more then when i see then on video. i dont dream about having sex, neither do i have sexual fantesys, my fantecys are of a romantic nature, PURELY romantic.

 

My question is for you guys, if i did this post and steal a few minutes of your time, did anybody experience similar stuff, tell me i am not alone... i whould ask if you think i am asexual, but thats agains the rules if i remeber corectly. 


PS sorry for my bad english.

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TheAP

Welcome! :cake: You can ask if you are asexual, but we are discouraged from telling people that they're not asexual. From what you've written, it sounds like you could be asexual. Some asexuals do want romantic relationships and can get aroused by things. You are not broken. There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex.

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crocodal

thank you for the quick replie, i expected to last a few hours. i feel alone as i dont know anybody IRL whos asexual, maybe my neighboor but i could not have a convo about this with him, so i hope this forum will guide me. i felt more happy in the last period of time as i realised i dont need to force myself to wanting to have sex, i always thought i was doing something wrong because i did not have sexual desires my friends have. it a long road ahead my friend i still have hope that everything will be good for me and everybody whos struggling

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You seem Asexual to me because even though you mention sexual things, it sounds like you did them not out of Sexual Attraction, but because you wanted to prove something to yourself and your friends, or because you like the sensation.

 

I realised I'm Asexual early, so I did not have a similar experience to you, but I know that other Asexuals did.

 

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crocodal
13 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

because you like the sensation.

 

 

Helo, thanks for the reply

 What do you mean by "liking the sensation" ?

i liked when i cum on that woman, is this apropriate? or weird?

and the idea of having an deep connection with a women makes me aroused but i dont now how to form this kind of reletionship

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MichaelTannock

Some Asexuals can still be sexually stimulated, even though they lack Sexual Attraction. That's what I mean.

 

Incidentally, your reply confused me at first, because typing inside the quote box makes it look like they're my words rather than yours.

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crocodal

sorry for that, i fixed it.

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Lichley

Welcome! Sexual attraction is different from sexual desire, so having a libido and masturbating don’t stop you from being asexual. The fact that you mentioned not thinking about specific people during masturbation links in with the ideas of asexual with libido, the sexual desire but not the attraction. 

csc_8469.jpg

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Atra

Welcome. :) I think you are asexual, as many of the things you described are similar to my own experiences. (I am a libidoist also, just deeply disturbedby sex and not turned on by sexual things/porn. You speak also of mental illness? I am not asking you to tell more about it, nor implying it has anything to do with a/sexuality. I experience often dissociation and identity problems.)

 

You might want to look into the terms "autochorisexual" (though I'm not certain of the spelling) and gray-ace. 

 

And I am happy you shared your story. Sometimes I need to be reminded that others experience these things too. 

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crocodal

Thank you friend for The Warm welcoming. I am sorry  you experience identity problems. I Will check The terms out

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Enzic

Welcome to AVEN.

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