Acoolusername

Did anyone on here think they were ace and then realize they weren't?

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Acoolusername

In more detail: Is there anyone on here who thought they were ace and then either had sex or just had more romantic experiences in general, and then realized they weren't actually ace? I actively do not want sex and never have, though I've had crushes and always liked the idea of kissing, etc. I'm trying to figure out if I'm ace, but even though I'm 20 I've haven't had any romantic relationships yet (well, I'm in one currently, but it's new enough that I'm not sure if I'm even into him yet), and I was also very sheltered and have always been a loner, so I didn't even really grow up around other kids who talked about sex. So I can't tell if it's just the complete lack of life experience. But it seems like maybe it would be more of a biological thing, not so much how you were raised or what you were (not) exposed to??

 

Also: Is there anyone here who doesn't experience any kind of sex drive or libido whatsoever? It seems like a lot of aces actually do have this (I do not). 

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The Angel of Eternity
14 minutes ago, Acoolusername said:

I'm trying to figure out if I'm ace, but even though I'm 20 I've haven't had any romantic relationships yet (well, I'm in one currently, but it's new enough that I'm not sure if I'm even into him yet), and I was also very sheltered and have always been a loner, so I didn't even really grow up around other kids who talked about sex.

I definitely do not think it's about experience. I believe it happens to some people naturally. 

 

I do experience some libido, though not as much as I used to.

 

Also, welcome to heAVEN! Have some :cake:!

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CBC

Yup, me. Someone will probably summon me to this thread if I don't post in it haha, so.

 

I assumed I must be somewhere in that realm of things (and possibly bi-romantic) for quite a long time. Ended up meeting an asexual man here on AVEN and we got married. Not that long into our relationship, I developed really strong (and unrequited) feelings for a girl. It didn't go anywhere because she was straight, but it threw me for a massive loop. I still wasn't entirely sure how I felt about sex with anyone; sex with guys didn't really seem to be my thing though, and I often found aspects of it emotionally/psychologically unpleasant. A few years after that, a longtime female friend sort of... inadvertently pursued me... and that experience was confusing as hell and completely upended what I thought I knew to be true of myself. Rather than the one-sided unrequited crush, it was mutual and there were sexual components and I knew I'd never felt that way about anyone before. Definitely not about a guy. It just felt right, like I finally understood what so many people seemed to feel when they said they were "in love". I still get crush-y feelings for dudes sometimes, but sex and romance don't translate and it just doesn't feel right. Following that experience, which was about four years ago when I was 29 (we still have a connection of sorts, but the whole thing is... complicated), I began just identifying as gay.

 

For what it's worth, my own experiences with being sheltered in certain ways very likely contributed to why it took so long to figure out. I was always a bit of a loner as well, at least from the teen years on, which were very difficult for me as I had trouble relating to my peers and began struggling pretty severely with mental illness.

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Kayze

 

1 hour ago, Acoolusername said:

In more detail: Is there anyone on here who thought they were ace and then either had sex or just had more romantic experiences in general, and then realized they weren't actually ace? I actively do not want sex and never have, though I've had crushes and always liked the idea of kissing, etc. I'm trying to figure out if I'm ace, but even though I'm 20 I've haven't had any romantic relationships yet (well, I'm in one currently, but it's new enough that I'm not sure if I'm even into him yet), and I was also very sheltered and have always been a loner, so I didn't even really grow up around other kids who talked about sex. So I can't tell if it's just the complete lack of life experience. But it seems like maybe it would be more of a biological thing, not so much how you were raised or what you were (not) exposed to??

Life experience could change that or do nothing at all. Just as homosexuals don't need a heterosexual experience to know their orientation (or to even rule out bisexuality), someone can be a virgin and still be asexual. After all, it's about sexual attraction - whether you experience that "lust" or "thirst" for another person. It's why some asexuals still have sex - they don't have to find the attraction to still have it for the benefit of their partner (if they're comfortable with that).

 

Regardless, it's perfectly fine to not know for certain and just use a label that fits who you are now; not who you could be later.

 

1 hour ago, Acoolusername said:

Also: Is there anyone here who doesn't experience any kind of sex drive or libido whatsoever? It seems like a lot of aces actually do have this (I do not). 

I have a high libido, apparently. It's a bit annoying and I wish it was reduced like when I was on an SSRI but Aces all experience different levels and isn't a factor for asexuality itself (Just confirming, not suggesting you meant that).

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TheAP

That happens to some people, but it doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen to you. If you don't experience sexual attraction, it's fine to identify as asexual.

 

I don't really have any libido and have never truly been aroused, I don't think.

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Philip027

Yes, plenty.  Not me, though, which I'll go into a bit more detail about below.

 

Maybe @Serran would chime in on this, if she isn't already typing something up.

 

13 hours ago, Acoolusername said:

Also: Is there anyone here who doesn't experience any kind of sex drive or libido whatsoever? It seems like a lot of aces actually do have this (I do not).

For the most part, I don't.  On my own, there is nothing there.  But my partner is libidoist, and sometimes when that pops up so to speak, we're able to "share" that and be able to share a mutual sexual interaction.

 

Not sure whether that even really counts as me having a libido; there isn't really any "drive" to it at all, so it doesn't seem quite right to me to apply a term to it that most people find synonymous with "sex drive".  Yet I could see why some people would, in my case.  To me it just seems a lot similar to how people can get physically aroused by, say, cuddling with someone, even if they absolutely do not desire sexual interaction with that person.  For me it's still never something that I desire.  If my partner were also nonlib, nothing would ever happen and I wouldn't even notice it.

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Marlow1

Yes, you could say this about me. 

 

Up up until the age of 33 years  old I was not attracted to anybody. Then I meet a female friend and after just over two years that relationship became romantic, a year or so after this sexual attraction towards her developed. We are still together and I am now 63 years old. Before I met her I was not attracted to anybody and since being with her I have never been attracted to anybody else. This includes never being attracted to folk in real life, celebrities, porn etc

 

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like

 

 

I personally put this down to having Total Aphantasia. My past posts explain this in more detail and there are some links on my profile

 

I now identify as Demisexual

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Serran

I used to think I was ace. But, i met my now spouse on AVEN and at 30 I developed sexual desire for them. After multiple relationships of nothing, with no libido ... I now have a libido and want sexual interactions with my spouse. 

 

So 15-30 I felt nothing. At 30 I did. Longest relationship was 10 years. 

 

Still dont like sex itself, but I like sexual activities. 

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