cianne

Hm, help...?

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cianne

Hi!

 

Hm, I never really intended to post anything, since I'm usually a lurker on the internet in general, but I'm currently finding myself in a sort of weird situation and have nobody to talk to about this stuff, so I thought I'd give it a try over here... I'm sorry my first post is a call for advice, I'm just very confused right now.

 

A few years ago I met this guy during an exchange program and we just sort of instantly clicked. We didn't really meet that often or anything (in fact, I think we must have met like three times in total), but there's just this weird connection between us and I really like him. I came back to my country some months later and we kept in touch via messaging apps and social media. 

Yesterday, he asked me to go out with him. It would be a 120% long-distance relationship, because we're basically on the opposite side of the world from one another, but still. I have no idea what I should do. Should I explain about my asexuality or should I just go with the flow, since it's not like we'd have anything physical going on between us? Or should I maybe just decline?

 

Honestly, I don't really know how I feel about dating anyone. I used to think I was either heteroromantic or biromantic, because I kinda like the idea of being in love and I'm pretty sure I've been in love before, but... I... don't know how I feel about "dating" itself. You know, being lovey dovey and clingy and doing all that cuddling and other cheeky romantic stuff? It just feels like it's not for me, I guess. To me, an ideal relationship would honestly be just a sort of "friendship with commitment" or something like that. Some sort of QPR, maybe?

 

When I say I like him, I mean it, but it's an odd "I hope you become the happiest person on the planet" sort of like. It's different from how I feel about my friends and family, but I don't know if I'd like to be in a relationship with him. I just sincerely want him to be happy, you know? Does that sound weird?

 

Oh boy, I suddenly feel like I don't know anything anymore. 😫 I'm so confused, haha.

 

Should I give it a try anyways? I don't want to hurt him... but I feel like accepting without actually wanting it would also hurt him...

 

I'm sorry for asking for advice on my very first post here and also for my bad English, it's not my first language. ☹️ 

Thank you!

 

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MichaelTannock

@cianne Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had or desired a relationship, but I can tell you what I would do in your situation: I would let him know that I am Asexual and what my ideal relationship is.

If he agrees, then you're not hurting him, because he's making an informed decision. Likewise, if he doesn't.

 

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Scooty
1 hour ago, cianne said:

Hi!

 

Hm, I never really intended to post anything, since I'm usually a lurker on the internet in general, but I'm currently finding myself in a sort of weird situation and have nobody to talk to about this stuff, so I thought I'd give it a try over here... I'm sorry my first post is a call for advice, I'm just very confused right now.

 

A few years ago I met this guy during an exchange program and we just sort of instantly clicked. We didn't really meet that often or anything (in fact, I think we must have met like three times in total), but there's just this weird connection between us and I really like him. I came back to my country some months later and we kept in touch via messaging apps and social media. 

Yesterday, he asked me to go out with him. It would be a 120% long-distance relationship, because we're basically on the opposite side of the world from one another, but still. I have no idea what I should do. Should I explain about my asexuality or should I just go with the flow, since it's not like we'd have anything physical going on between us? Or should I maybe just decline?

 

Honestly, I don't really know how I feel about dating anyone. I used to think I was either heteroromantic or biromantic, because I kinda like the idea of being in love and I'm pretty sure I've been in love before, but... I... don't know how I feel about "dating" itself. You know, being lovey dovey and clingy and doing all that cuddling and other cheeky romantic stuff? It just feels like it's not for me, I guess. To me, an ideal relationship would honestly be just a sort of "friendship with commitment" or something like that. Some sort of QPR, maybe?

 

When I say I like him, I mean it, but it's an odd "I hope you become the happiest person on the planet" sort of like. It's different from how I feel about my friends and family, but I don't know if I'd like to be in a relationship with him. I just sincerely want him to be happy, you know? Does that sound weird?

 

Oh boy, I suddenly feel like I don't know anything anymore. 😫 I'm so confused, haha.

 

Should I give it a try anyways? I don't want to hurt him... but I feel like accepting without actually wanting it would also hurt him...

 

I'm sorry for asking for advice on my very first post here and also for my bad English, it's not my first language. ☹️ 

Thank you!

 

Go with your instincts! It does sound like you "like-like" him ;) give it a shot! if you feel like you should tell him about your asexuality, then tell him! if you're not comfortable with any of it, then back out. Just go with what you think is best!

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LP1204

You should go with it and see where things go. Maybe you will need to explain that you’re asexual, maybe not. Just see what happens because it sounds like you have a connection with him that shouldn’t be ignored. 

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cianne

@MichaelTannock

@Scooty

@LP1204

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!

I guess I'll be honest with him and try to explain everything. I'm not sure I'll be able to express it very well though. I thought a lot about this for the past two days, and I'm still kinda confused myself, because although I like him, I don't really think I'd like to engage in a romantic relationship with him? Or with anyone at all? 

It may sound a bit weird, but what I feel towards romance is kind of similar to what I feel about sex. I may have libido, but I have no interest or intention whatsoever to have sex with anyone (I'm pretty repulsed by it, and hugging is as far as I'll go with physical intimacy). And, in a similar fashion, although I'm pretty sure I'm able to fall in love, I don't feel the need to act on it? In fact, I don't think I like the idea of having a romantic relationship; just having some sort of strong emotional connection with someone would be enough... or something. 

 

Sorry, I know this is probably a really stupid problem, especially considering the distance between us. I'm probably just overthinking everything, but... I'm so confused, haha.

 

 

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Lara Black

Hello, @cianne

First of all, you don’t have to be lovey-dovey – you can be the way you are. You can tell your potential partner that you’re not a cuddly type and let him decide whether it’s good enough for him.

If you’ve never had internet relationships before, just keep in mind that they’re not like IRL ones – things that bother you in real world might be okay because it’s just about imagination. And vice-versa – many good things that a real relationships can give a virtual romance just can’t provide. So… you’re free to try it out and check for yourself what works for you.

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Philip027

If you're not into it, you shouldn't do it, and you kinda sound like you aren't.  Relationships should always be on a "because we both want this" basis.

 

That being said, if I'm reading you wrong, and you're really more just uncertain, you can always just tell him so.  As long as you're being considerate and honest, you can't really go wrong with stuff like this.  He may end up pursuing a relationship with you that he eventually may find out doesn't quite match up to the equivalent reciprocation he hoped for, but if you put all your cards on the table, he can't blame you for that.

 

Your English is better than a lot of native speakers, by the way.

 

20 hours ago, cianne said:

Should I give it a try anyways? I don't want to hurt him... but I feel like accepting without actually wanting it would also hurt him...

Bingo.

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cianne

@Lara Black Hi! Thank you for your reply!

Oh, that makes sense. I've only "dated" (in quotation marks because I'm not sure I can call that "dating" anymore lol) once in my life, and it didn't work out precisely because he wanted all the lovey-dovey part and I couldn't care less about it. So I guess now I just assume that's expected in a relationship.

I'm also pretty sure the boy in question is the romantic type, but that's just me making assumptions, and that's never a good thing, is it? Haha. In the end, I guess what I really need to do anyways is talk to him.

 

@Philip027 Hi, thank you for your reply!

Yes, you're probably reading me right. I think I got confused because he's important to me and I don't want to hurt him. But, in retrospect, what I felt when I saw his message wasn't joy, but something more along the lines of "oh, crap, what do I do now". That's probably the answer right there, isn't it? 

I'll be honest with him and see what happens. :) Thank you for your input, and for commenting on my English! I always get kind of nervous when writing long texts like these, haha!

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