I feel like a creep

[Beaver Boy]

It's been a while since I've posted on AVEN, I think in part because of this incident.

 

Back in March, I went on a little adventurous walk around some South Hills neighborhoods of Pittsburgh.  It was the week before Spring Break and I was on my last semester at university, so it was really exciting to get to take a break. I was with someone I really didn't know that well (pseudonym Clarissa), but we had a mutual friend who brought her along. Well, on the way back down on the Mon Incline I got the "cuddle urge" and slid in close Clarissa so our arms and legs were touching without asking if I could or stating my intentions. I should have been more respectful of her personal space, and it was wrong of me to totally disregard that, but that is what I did. It is a known phenomenon among women who get creeped out to freeze up, or simply "grin and bear it", avoiding showing any signs of discomfort. At the time, I had no clue she was uncomfortable about it, but it should have been obvious to me how gauche of me that was.

 

Later on in early April I volunteered with my university's sustainability club for an event promoting sustainable practices. There was a lunch where most of the packaging was compostable or recyclable, but not super clearly marked so I was standing next to the receptacles to make sure everything went where it belonged. Clarissa was there, and when she was about to discard the lunch packaging, I decided not to say anything to her and continue a conversation I was having with a friend. She was mildly involved in the sustainability club so I assumed she would know what do do with the refuse. To my surprise, she dropped everything in the compost bin and made a beeline back to her table. I didn't think much of it at the time since many attendees didn't know recycling from composting but looking back I think its because she was creeped out by me.

 

Then a few weeks later, she told me I invaded her personal space and made her really uncomfortable and I needed to keep my distance. When I first heard this, I was speechless. It took me a few seconds to realize what I even did, and I felt so bad about myself I just walked away, saying nothing when I should have apologized and thanked her for standing up for herself.

 

Shortly after graduation, I emailed a close friend of Clarissa, apologizing for what I did and told her to let Clarissa know I was sorry (I don't have any contact info for Clarissa). Neither one of them ever responded, so I'm assuming they both see me as a dangerous stalkery creep.

 

I have a feeling someone might tell me what I did wasn't wrong and Clarissa was just overreacting, but I'd have to disagree with that especially considering the idea of Scrodinger's Rapist. Maybe if Clarissa knew I was ace, she wouldn't have been as creeped out?? But still I was wrong for getting too close.

 

I'm really worried about what people think about me, and I suppose that is my biggest problem. I've graduated, so I most likely don't have to interact with either of them again, it just really bothers me that they were so creeped out by me.

[Alawyn-Aebt]

Three pieces of good news regarding this:

1. You are not a creepy person (If you think you are just remember that there are others out there who think about more than a cuddle)

2. You did not scar her for life, although it might have been awkward for her

3. You may never see he again so you will not be continually reminded of it

 

Although awkwardness may have abounded, in the grand scheme of things it should not be a major problem. People don't go around thinking "This guy is a creep" unless there was something major (stalking, etc.).

[Redwylde]

I know it feels bad right now, but honestly, you're not a creep. You made a mistake and while yes, it was pretty difficult for her to deal with, you recognised how wrong it was and tried to reach out to fix it. Not a lot of people do that, rather they blame the other person for being creeped out.

 

It'll be okay, in time it'll feel a lot better~

[element83]

47 minutes ago, Beaver Boy said:

Maybe if Clarissa knew I was ace, she wouldn't have been as creeped out?? But still I was wrong for getting too close

Having been in this position, knowing the other person was ace wouldn't have made the situation less creepy.  I don't like when people invade my personal space without my consent, whether it's for a nonsexual hug, a nonsexual cuddle, or because they have sexual feelings for me.

 

You were wrong for getting too close, but I honestly don't know of anyone who made it through their twenties without doing something stupid they regretted later.  I think what defines us is not the mistakes we've made but how we choose to handle those mistakes.  You did something wrong, and instead of blaming her for sending mixed messages, not saying no, etc, you owned up to the role you played in making the situation happen, and made an effort to reach out and apologise.  You're presumably not going to do this sort of thing again, and will be more careful about asking for permission in the future.  That, in my opinion, makes you a non-creepy person.  Yes, maybe you did something creepy in the past, and she may never want to see you again.  That's her prerogative.  But it sounds like you're not a creep now, which is not insignificant.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

You recognise you were wrong and apologised, you can do no more. You know better now, and I definitely don't think a real creep would have bothered to consider their actions like you have. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

[Beaver Boy]

@element83 Thanks for the honest thoughtful comment. Your are right that there are ways of being creepy in a nonsexual way. And I agree that it does no good of accusing someone of sending "mixed signals", like what does that even mean?? Oh wait - this is what it means.

[Scooty]

Mistakes were made, but we all make em' 🙃and we all learn from em'. It's likely you'll never see her again, as is the nature of graduation. Even if you do, you've made every attempt to make it right. You've apologized, and were genuine in the moment. That's all that matters. 

[Lynnette]

You made a mistake, in this case I think a pretty honest one, most people do, every once in a while. However,

 

On 9/13/2018 at 2:03 PM, Beaver Boy said:

 I was with someone I really didn't know that well (pseudonym Clarissa), 

 

It is a known phenomenon among women who get creeped out to freeze up, or simply "grin and bear it", avoiding showing any signs of discomfort.

 

You were with someone you didn't know well, and you decided to invade their space anyway.

 

And I dislike that you think it's a known phenomenon, that women often just deal with being uncomfortable. That's what feminists would call rape culture. From a young age females are societally taught that if boys are mean to them, it's code for that the boy actually likes them, essentially that they should put up with the abuse. And in their careers especially, and particularly around college age, if they don't want to lose opportunity, or become the face of a victim for the whole world to see, or be the subject of shame and ridicule, than it is better just to be quiet about it. -Especially- if saying something could make the situation worse. That's not phenomena, that's self protection, and societal training.

 

From her perspective, since she doesn't know you are ace, she went out to do something with someone who she didn't know, just to have fun, and found herself on the edge of a situation that might have turned violent if she'd made a deal about it, or if you had turned out to be one of those people. As ridiculous as that might sound looking at the logic, that was likely the thought process.

 

I'm sure people will disagree. But I also know what I've seen and experienced, so that's my perspective.

 

Lesson learned, don't invade people's space.

[Lynnette]

I did not mean for that to sound accusatory, because you are not that type of person, having gone to the lengths you have to apologise, I just wanted to add point of view from outside.

[Beaver Boy]

On 9/14/2018 at 11:42 PM, Lynnette said:

From her perspective, since she doesn't know you are ace, she went out to do something with someone who she didn't know, just to have fun, and found herself on the edge of a situation that might have turned violent if she'd made a deal about it, or if you had turned out to be one of those people. As ridiculous as that might sound looking at the logic, that was likely the thought process.

That does not sound ridiculous at all. I'm actually really glad she could say something to me about it later. I'm really nonconfrontational myself so I get that it can be scary to tell someone they need to stay away.

 

And now that I thought about it, I'm not sure if she knew I was ace would help any. Just having someone intentionally brushing up against you can be uncomfortable regardless.