In desperate need of answers!!

[banana monkey]

On 9/14/2018 at 1:49 AM, Unwanted said:

 I mean that's lime saying you don't turn me on, I don't want to touch you. It's hurtful. 

but thats exactly it!  for asexuals people dont "turn us on" and many Asexuals really really dont want to touch anyone particularly sexually. (sometimes because they are afraid that it will lead to other sexual things, sometimes because to us its just gross to do (or even think about doing) those things with another person) and the thought really freaks us out. I understand that its very different for sexuals and because of that sexuals understandably are hurt to think that there are people can think like that about sex but this pheomenon isnt personal, its the same for any person. (Though that may not make it any less hurtful for those involved)

 

However, many of us do have a libido and so have to deal with that in some way. Mastrubation is the way we can do it without having to involve another person. Most of us dont think about anything whilst we are doing it so I have no idea why an asexual would use porn other than whats already been mentioned (like trying to awaken sexuality or viewing it as not a real person makes a difference). I would think most of us who do mastrubate (and its a minority) dont use porn though.  

[Anthracite_Impreza]

On 9/17/2018 at 1:47 PM, Unwanted said:

That's the thing we have talked about sex ad nauseum. But he just says it's not important to him. That he feels there is more to a relationship. I said this to all of you that this is what should have been told to me before he asked me to marry him, instead of the bs excuses. I have told him about the Asexual orientation to sex. He thought about it, and thinks this fits him. And we talked about the porn thing. He said it did nothing for him. But it did and still does hurt me badly, he promised he'd never do it again. And as far as I know through my super sloothing he hasn't. But sex is part of a relationship to me, it is important to me, and I don't know how we can come to a happy medium.

 

On 9/17/2018 at 6:49 PM, Unwanted said:

Well an open relationship is out of the question. He wouldn't be comfortable and I would feel guilty. All I got when we talked about it over and over was that there is more to a relationship than sex. I know this. But to me it's a small but fundamental part. He was a bit taken by surprise about the term. I explained what all of you have told me about it. And how lots of asexuals turn to porn at some point trying to figure it out. Then he tried and I think is still trying to wrap his mind around it. But he admitted that it does sound like him. Then he actually got super emotional asking if I could ever forgive him for the porn thing, and he hopes that he can regain my trust, and he'll do whatever it takes to do so. But the only answer I have is I don't know if it's possible. I've been crapped on in every relationship, and told him specific things of what not to do. Well it happened any way. So I just feel a drift right now. But I can not get a straight answer as to if sex is totally out of our relationship or not. I think it is but he's afraid to tell me.

Honestly, I don't think this relationship is going to work. He is refusing to acknowledge your feelings and you can't get sex elsewhere. Do yourself a favour and find someone more compatible. 

[secrethamster]

It sounds to me like he is trying to avoid hurting you. Sexual intimacy is an important component of the relationship for you, so I would assume he was trying to improve himself through porn. If it were me, I may lie to my partner about it because I wouldn't want to hurt them, even though the act was indirectly FOR them. I know it hurts to be lied to, and it sounds like you feel betrayed which is completely understandable. I'm sorry that you are having difficulties, but if he is asexual (and it sounds like he is) then it was never his intent to hurt you or your relationship. 

 

Hopefully you'll be able to find some common ground.