In desperate need of answers!!

[Unwanted]

Sorry if this gets long. But I desperately need answers. My husband is older than me. He's only been with 4 people his entire life. I've tried everything, I even came home and just attacked him, got in the shower with him and nothing. No reaction what so ever. I've heard him say countless times that he doesn't understand why people are crazy over sex, and that he enjoys holding me, finally finding someone he can trust and have intelligent conversations with. He kisses me, hugs me holds my hand all the time, treats me like a queen, he buys anything and everything I could ever want. I want for nothing.... except....to be with him intimately. He has lost erections during sex, saying he's stressed out, always has an excuse, and we didn't have sex on our wedding night either. He says he finds me very attractive, but sex is not the main focus of a relationship for him, that there are more important things, that he just doesn't think about it, never did, that the conversations that guys would have about their sexual conquests always bewildered him, that he doesn't get why they act as if their heads are going to explode if they don't get it. Then he did something completely out of character, and went looking at porn. I found it and I'm still deeply hurt, it devastated me. I mean if he doesn't want me why look at them?? I keep my self in shape. I'm 5'7, have a 29 inch waist. He said he didn't know why he did it, that it did nothing for him, and recently he said maybe he was trying to figure out something. But it caused me to lose all trust in him, since he looked at me and lied to my face with out blinking about it. He hasn't done it since, and is as uninterested in sex as ever. I can't even bring myself to try and initiate anything anymore because of the rejection, the no reaction. Now it's to the point that if he goes to touch a boob while we're kissing I push his hand away, and say stop. I love him deeply, that's why this is so hard, I want to show him my love, I want to make him feel good, but instead I end up hurt, and feeling lonely. I'm going to see a therapist soon, I just don't know what to do. He says he has a problem. So either he's gay or asexual. 

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds to me like he's Asexual because what you've described mirrors my own experience.
I was always bewildered by the comments of my male peers, and I tried looking at porn to see what the fuss was about but felt nothing.
Have you discussed the possibility with him?

[Scooty]

It sounds like he's on the asexual spectrum. I can read this and see that you love him dearly. It also sounds like you're frustrated. He still loves you, too--but as someone who might be on the asexual spectrum, his "love language" isn't the same. It might be good to remember that. He still loves you, but expresses it differently. 

 

I've had similar experiences, as I'm asexual and have made efforts at physical intimacy in relationships. It's because I care about the person and don't want to push them away; but by being someone I'm not? I've found that that's not the best approach. It sounds like he still cares for you, and is making an effort. Have you discussed things with him? and talked about your options? 

[Nidwin]

I'm afraid the only person having the answers is your husband.

He may or may not be on the asexual spectrum but it's clear that he needs to give you at least answers to the heap of questions you may have, whithout lying.

 

I think it's about time that he proves to you that both of you can have "intelligent conversations".

[Unwanted]

Thank you, all of you for responding so quickly. We have talked, very openly about this. He sees it as he has a problem. He knows it's not the "norm" he's even uncomfortable talking about sex but he does with me, because I'm trying to understand. I think the problem was and still is for him there was no name for us to put with it. No way for me to learn or understand.  I know for a fact he has never heard of it. I had never even heard of the term asexual until I did the research.  Again I thank all of you for your honesty, openness, and for making me feel welcome. I will definitely be on this site again, maybe I can help someone in the future. For now I need to work on us, and try to get over not feeling wanted or desired. That's still a raw area. Thank you!

[A. Sterling]

Hi, well as everyone's already said it does sound like he's very much in the asexual spectrum. 

 

As for the looking at porn there are a few possibilities I thought it could be helpful to point out.

First, he obviously loves you so it is possible that he is responding to your need for sexual intimacy by trying to build up some sort of interest by looking at porn. Perhaps he went to it out of curiosity trying to figure out why it doesn't make him feel anything in a desire to find a more sexual passion for you. (This is what it would be if it were me. Like, I don't even like discussing or thinking about sex very much but I love watching SVU, which I find interesting. I think I like it because I find it informative and interesting on an intellectual level.) 

Another option is that some asexual people still have a sort of sexual need when it is not in relation to other people. In this way it is a form of physical need which bares no emotional weight and would not occur in relation to anyone he actually cares about or knows but could have effect from a sort of objective form of sex. (The idea is that the porn would not be like a real person and so there is not the same... I don't know, let's use the word barrier.) I personally do not experience this but I've read about it a bit from first hand accounts. 

I'd also like to reassure you that it is nothing wrong with you and he does not need you to do anything to change for him to make you more attractive. He doesn't love you for your body he loves you for who you are, it is something more fundamental than sex for him. I hope things work out for you and I would defiantly suggest couples counseling. It sounds like you both love each other, and as long as that is true it is quite likely that you can figure this out and have a good relationship. Maybe you'll end up happier for it as you come to a new level and understanding between each other. Of course, I'm sure it will take compromise on both sides. 

Good luck, and I wish you the best. 

[Wandering Around]

I have read this and I don't see the point in which he lied... can you go over that portion again? 

 

He does sound Asexual to me. 

[Wandering Around]

4 hours ago, Unwanted said:

Thank you, all of you for responding so quickly. We have talked, very openly about this. He sees it as he has a problem. He knows it's not the "norm" he's even uncomfortable talking about sex but he does with me, because I'm trying to understand. I think the problem was and still is for him there was no name for us to put with it. No way for me to learn or understand.  I know for a fact he has never heard of it. I had never even heard of the term asexual until I did the research.  Again I thank all of you for your honesty, openness, and for making me feel welcome. I will definitely be on this site again, maybe I can help someone in the future. For now I need to work on us, and try to get over not feeling wanted or desired. That's still a raw area. Thank you!

If he is asexual and you are sexual feeling undesired will always be a sore spot to some degree.  *hugs* 

 

If he is asexual he doesn't have "a problem" per se he is just designed differently. My husband see his asexuality as him having a problem and that's just not the case... our mismatched sexualities does CAUSE a problem but neither one of us has "a problem" 

 

My husband enjoys porn (as do I) but he likes it because he doesn't have to be involved in it.... just sit back and watch (and even that isn't often anymore  

[Philip027]

1 hour ago, A. Sterling said:

First, he obviously loves you so it is possible that he is responding to your need for sexual intimacy by trying to build up some sort of interest by looking at porn. Perhaps he went to it out of curiosity trying to figure out why it doesn't make him feel anything in a desire to find a more sexual passion for you. 

This was my hunch too.

[ExanaZen]

Hi there!

First off I wanted to tell you that you're definately in the right place. We're always happy to help!

 

Secondly I'd like to absolutely stress the fact that if your husband is in fact on the asexual spectrum you're not to blame for his lack of interest in sex. Asexuals can fall in love, get married, and love people just like people of other sexualities, they just tend to show it in a less physical way. 

I understand if it can be hard sometimes, but if your husband identifies (or are starting to) as someone on the asexuality spectrum, the very best thing you can do is to be there for him and support him in figuring out who he is... He may not want or feel the need for a label, and that's OK. But it is important to let him know that regardless of his (a)sexuality he's a valid person, who's not "broken." 

 

As for you, I can only really offer one advice:  allow yourself time to accept your own feeelings. If something is making you feel bad, talk about it to someone you trust, either if it's your husband, a friend, family, or a psychologist. And if you're having a hard time talking about it with people face-to-face, or just want to talk with someone who can relate, there's always someone here happy to help, me being one of them. 

 

You are perfect as you are, and it's important that you know that. ❤️

[Unwanted]

The lying came in because he had looked at the porn and some how we ended up on a discussion about it. And he said he never has and never would do that. But he already done it at that point. He says he's ashamed of what he did, and he thinks it's stupid. But it hurt because I felt and still do feel like they can arouse you but I can't. It just broke my heart and made feel gross, ugly, and like I wasn't doing what he needed. But what all of you are saying is making perfect sense and giving me clarity. He always says he loves me for who I am, not the fact that I have a vagina, and that sex is not important to him, he values the other aspects of a relationship more. Hearing all of your experiences has really helped me. I just wonder if I should let him know there is a name for his orientation towards sex, so he doesn't feel ashamed of himself. He told me the other day that he's embarrassed by his "problem" and he's always been this way, he just doesn't and never has understood what the big deal is. What I do know is that I truly love him, so I will be with him until my last breath, sex or not. 

[Pest]

1 hour ago, Unwanted said:

I just wonder if I should let him know there is a name for his orientation towards sex, so he doesn't feel ashamed of himself

I think that might be a good idea, both for him and for the relationship. You could browse and explore the forums and the AVENwiki together and he can try and figure out if his experiences matches those of others (which I think they will do). I know it has helped me to put these thoughts and feelings into words and to discuss these things with my partner.

 

Another thing is that just the knowledge of not being alone in this means the world, especially for a man, I believe. Sex is everywhere, and men are by society's norm expected to always seek it and never to turn down an opportunity to get laid. Not feeling like that is weird and can be alienating at times. Introducing him to the community can do great things for him.

 

At last, I think it might be good for you (and your relationship with your husband). You can explore and discover this together and support each other, understand each other better and love one another even more.

[nimbus]

3 hours ago, Unwanted said:

I just wonder if I should let him know there is a name for his orientation towards sex, so he doesn't feel ashamed of himself. He told me the other day that he's embarrassed by his "problem" and he's always been this way, he just doesn't and never has understood what the big deal is.

It would probably be counterproductive if you didn't tell him about asexuality. You need to tell him. For some aces, it can be a profound, liberating moment of self discovery when they first learn asexuality is a valid orientation. He has nothing to be ashamed of, he's not broken, and it's okay to not want sex. The problem is working with the different sexualities you both have.

 

Here's a short video about asexuality you can watch together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XkhsD1C9MA

Or a long video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11GGzOGIJnk

 

 

And there are ace meetup groups all over the world. You can find some of them on this forum: https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/12-meetup-mart/

 

[Unwanted]

Thank you for all of your help. I am now preparing to talk to him about this. The information and shared experiences are going to be part of the of the discussion. So he can see for himself, and read it. Then we can discuss it together. I know one reaction will probably be fear of losing our relationship. But I plan on assuring him in the very beginning that is not going to happen. Now I have something I can understand, thanks to all of you a place where we (I) can discuss concerns. I will be sure to update all of you.

[NickyTannock]

If it helps, I know of a book about Asexuality that he can read for free, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

[Unwanted]

I do have a question. I guess I'm a bit confused. Please forgive my ignorance. But if you're asexual, and have no interest in sex then why would you turn to porn to masturbate, or at all, especially if you are in a relationship. I mean that's lime saying you don't turn me on, I don't want to touch you. It's hurtful. 

[NickyTannock]

If an Asexual doesn't know that they're Asexual, they'll try to force themselves to be Sexual.

Watching porn and masturbating would be his attempt to become Sexual for you.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

22 minutes ago, Unwanted said:

I do have a question. I guess I'm a bit confused. Please forgive my ignorance. But if you're asexual, and have no interest in sex then why would you turn to porn to masturbate, or at all, especially if you are in a relationship. I mean that's lime saying you don't turn me on, I don't want to touch you. It's hurtful. 

Many (most?) aces have a libido, they just have no desire to take care of that libido with someone else. It would kinda be like going to the loo with other people; rather awkward and unnecessary.

[Unwanted]

I have a hard time with understanding this portion of it. And frankly at this point I'm pissed because he not knowing the name for how he feels about sex, should have been upfront with me, and told me exactly how he felt about sex. Instead I got every excuse in the book. But not the trurh. I feel like a roommate not a wife. I did not willingly sign up for a life of celebacy. I long for that intimate contact. But I'm not the type to go outside of my marriage. I feel like I was intentinally lied to. I should've been allowed the chance to make a choice, long before he even asked me to marry him. My self esteem has never been lower. I feel ugly, and gross! 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

4 hours ago, Unwanted said:

I have a hard time with understanding this portion of it. And frankly at this point I'm pissed because he not knowing the name for how he feels about sex, should have been upfront with me, and told me exactly how he felt about sex. Instead I got every excuse in the book. But not the trurh. I feel like a roommate not a wife. I did not willingly sign up for a life of celebacy. I long for that intimate contact. But I'm not the type to go outside of my marriage. I feel like I was intentinally lied to. I should've been allowed the chance to make a choice, long before he even asked me to marry him. My self esteem has never been lower. I feel ugly, and gross! 

He probably didn't know he was ace, he probably thought he could 'fix' himself. Asexuality isn't widely known and a lot of us only find out after a lot of heartache. It's not easy thinking you're 'broken' either.

[Guest]

If he knew he should have told you. But, its easy to not know. Especially if you are into your partner in other ways. If he has a libido and liked you aesthetically and romantically, he probably figured he would like you sexually. No one tells someone they might not be into sex, so it never crosses your mind as a possibility. 

 

Personally, I had sex about 3,000 times before figuring out some dont like it. And when I had it at first and it was meh, I got told by people I asked that first time sucks, try again. When I did and it was still meh, I got told it was the wrong person..so tried again. Then got told I just needed to find what I liked, so i experimented more and nothing helped. I looked at porn once to see if that did anything, but it was ew. 

 

I ended up dating 3, marrying the 4th and through it all the advice of family and friends was just keep at it, everyone loves it once they figure out what they like and have the right partner. 

 

I never ended up loving anything with any of them. I finally turned to google and found here.

 

Though, meeting "the right person" did end up sparking sexual desire in me finally at age 30. However, I still hate traditional sex.. so i guess their advice wasnt totally off. I found what I like (not much) with the right person. But, I never would be able to make most happy in a sexual sense. Im lucky my partner is not fully sexual either. 

 

But yeah its not easy to.figure yourself out. 

[Philip027]

6 hours ago, Unwanted said:

And frankly at this point I'm pissed because he not knowing the name for how he feels about sex,

You can blame terrible sex ed plus a crappy society, both of which inherently assume everyone is into sex, for that one.

 

It was easy for me to figure out on my own (even if I didn't know it had a name, asexuality, until a decade later) because I'm rather hardheaded and opinionated, not one to follow a crowd, and nonlibidoist and sexually oblivious.  Not everyone ticks all those boxes, and they're therefore left to struggle for years figuring out how and why they're not like seemingly everyone else.

[NickyTannock]

Personally, I think you should be more understanding. Let's say the roles were reversed, and being Sexual were the minority. How would you feel if after forcing yourself to be celibate for your Asexual partner, they get pissed at you because they didn't sign up for sex, and call you a liar for not knowing about Sexuality?

[Ldlelee]

I understand you're frustrated, and how this can affect your self-esteem, but please know that he never meant to hurt you. A lot of people don't know they're asexual; they assume that everyone feels the same way they do. You feel normal until something makes you realize you're not.

 

As for the porn bit, as others have said, he was probably trying to force himself to be sexual. God knows I did the exact same thing. He's probably frustrated with himself and is trying to figure out what "works" for him, so he can reciprocate your desire. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.

[nimbus]

He may not have enjoyed the porn or masturbation, but even if he did, he can still be asexual if he doesn't feel sexual attraction to people or doesn't desire sex. Some aces are repulsed by porn, but others are comfortable with it because it's just pixels on a screen and doesn't require them to be involved in the action. They can be aroused, but it doesn't mean they'd want to have sex with the performers if given the chance in real life. With masturbation, some aces don't enjoy it, while others do it for reasons such as pleasure, stress relief, or human instinct, but it doesn't necessarily mean they wish they could do it with a real partner, and they might not think of people at all while doing it. For aces, having sex with another person might cross their personal boundaries, or it might seem daunting or gross, because it involves physical contact, performance expectations, exchanging bodily fluids, etc., which are things that can be of no concern when looking at images on the internet or masturbating. Basically: porn isn't sex, masturbation isn't sex, sex with people is sex, and aces aren't into sex.

 

Here's some more info on the subject of ace masturbation and sexual fantasies:

https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/asexual-relationships_n_3362206

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/mgv4wy/we-asked-asexuals-what-they-fantasize-about

 

I can see why you'd feel hurt and angry if your husband tried masturbating to porn but didn't want sex with you. However, I think that's jumping to conclusions and taking it personally without fully understanding asexuality and discussing it with him. I don't think he lied to you about his sexuality, he's just trying to figure himself out and he obvisously loves you very much. If your husband is asexual, then it's not that he isn't interested in sex with you personally, it's that he isn't interested in sex with anybody. When you're asexual, you might appreciate the aesthetic beauty of people, and you can potentially enjoy the thrill of watching porn as an uninvolved outsider, but you can't bring yourself to actually desire sex with anyone, even the hottest pornstar or the most loving and devoted partner. It's not a personal thing or a judgement on how anyone's body looks. That said, some aces do still choose to have sex with their partners, and they can certainly enjoy it, but they don't feel the same deep need for it that sexuals do. There are also related orientations like demisexuals, who might develop sexual attraction over a long period of time and bonding.

 

You should tell him that he might be on the asexual spectrum. Show him the asexuality.org homepage, let him browse around for a while on his own, then discuss it together. Right now, he's embarrassed and ashamed of himself for being different, he has no idea why, and you can help him out of it by giving him the word "asexual." Until you've had that talk, you'll only be making assumptions about him.

[Unwanted]

On 9/14/2018 at 10:00 AM, MichaelTannock said:

Personally, I think you should be more understanding. Let's say the roles were reversed, and being Sexual were the minority. How would you feel if after forcing yourself to be celibate for your Asexual partner, they get pissed at you because they didn't sign up for sex, and call you a liar for not knowing about Sexuality?

I'm trying to be understanding. BUT I tried to talk to him numerous times before he ever asked me to marry him. And I got excuses. Then it was just wait until after we're married, get ready because it's on then. Really.....we didn't even have sex on our wedding night. It was about a week after, and it's always the same as the very few times we've done it. There's no foreplay to speak of on his part, he doesn't touch me sexually ever, and it just seems very mechanical on his part. Like he had to concentrate so much on keeping an erection, that he can't enjoy it. I've asked him what do you want or need....I'll do it. What am I doing wrong?? He says I'm not doing anything wrong. I guess I'm angry because I love him, and want to be with him so badly. But I also am angry because it would have been better if he told me how he felt about not wanting, or needing sex. And that it was not a part of a relationship for him. But he gets very nervous just talking about it.  I just wish he would have told me, then I could have had the chance to decide if I could happily function in a relationship like that. Maybe "lied to" was the wrong wording, but I flat out asked questions and never got the truth either. Now my self esteem is little to nothing, I feel like I'm ugly, and it's hard knowing your husband doesn't desire you. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Give him an ultimatum, he has a week to talk to you about it or you leave. If you don't he'll keep putting it off.

[Unwanted]

That's the thing we have talked about sex ad nauseum. But he just says it's not important to him. That he feels there is more to a relationship. I said this to all of you that this is what should have been told to me before he asked me to marry him, instead of the bs excuses. I have told him about the Asexual orientation to sex. He thought about it, and thinks this fits him. And we talked about the porn thing. He said it did nothing for him. But it did and still does hurt me badly, he promised he'd never do it again. And as far as I know through my super sloothing he hasn't. But sex is part of a relationship to me, it is important to me, and I don't know how we can come to a happy medium.

[Pest]

I'm with you that he shouldn't have mislead you in the beginning. I would believe him in regards to the porn - I don't think it will happen again, and it did nothing for him. 

 

Reaching a happy medium is hard. In some cases it's not even possible. It's not for everyone, but an open relationship might be a possibility? I can't stress enough though that there is a big difference between having an open relationship from the start and opening a relationship up. My relationship with my partner is open due to my asexuality and has been such from the get go.

 

Opening up changes something fundamental, it changes the rules so to speak. It might change the dynamic of the relationship and unveil jealousy you didn't know was there. Other times it's just the change you need to be able to stay together and still live a fulfilling life.

 

You said that you've discussed Sex to the moon and back, but have you spoken with him about these things since you reached out to us here on AVEN? If so, how did it go? 

[Unwanted]

Well an open relationship is out of the question. He wouldn't be comfortable and I would feel guilty. All I got when we talked about it over and over was that there is more to a relationship than sex. I know this. But to me it's a small but fundamental part. He was a bit taken by surprise about the term. I explained what all of you have told me about it. And how lots of asexuals turn to porn at some point trying to figure it out. Then he tried and I think is still trying to wrap his mind around it. But he admitted that it does sound like him. Then he actually got super emotional asking if I could ever forgive him for the porn thing, and he hopes that he can regain my trust, and he'll do whatever it takes to do so. But the only answer I have is I don't know if it's possible. I've been crapped on in every relationship, and told him specific things of what not to do. Well it happened any way. So I just feel a drift right now. But I can not get a straight answer as to if sex is totally out of our relationship or not. I think it is but he's afraid to tell me.