Asexual with Libido? Anyone else experience this?

[TheAP]

@Wolfie31 In my opinion, based on the information you've provided so far, it's okay for you to identify as asexual. It can be difficult to differentiate between reasons for wanting sex, e.g. for curiosity vs. sexual pleasure. I define asexuality as a lack of sexual attraction, where sexual attraction is a desire to have sex with a particular person. If you have a vague interest in having sex but don't have anyone you want to act on it with, that does sound like it meets the definition of asexuality.

[Scooty]

17 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I can honestly appreciate why you wouldn't me to identify as asexual, it's a relatively unknown orientation and it's hard to get people to try to understand it as it is, further complicating it by adding twists and loopholes to the definition only makes that harder. 

 

Maybe I'll go out tomorrow and see someone I'm sexually attracted to and I won't identify as asexual anymore (believe me no one wants that to happen more than me) but in my entire life so far that hasn't happened, and it's made me feel isolated from other 'sexual' people in ways that I've seen a lot of people talk about on this forum and I've enjoyed finding people who's experiences I can finally relate to.

It sounds like you need to follow your instincts  if you feel like doing that will get you answers; then go for it. If you truly don't feel asexual, maybe you're not? I would experiment with dating a little more. 

[Philip027]

Feeling like you can relate to a group of people in some way (even if they don't all necessarily feel likewise about you) is perfectly valid, without necessarily having to declare yourself part of that group.

 

This happens a lot with grays and demis with regard to aces; many of them will claim to at least partially understand what it's like to be asexual, even if they very clearly aren't.  They may legitimately share some similar experiences with regard to sexuality.  Some people have gone as far as to consider these under some sort of "ace umbrella"

 

Thing is, I think it's also important for those people in the grey area to recognize that no matter how "asexual" they might typically feel, it's still not the same thing as actually being asexual, and as a result some aces might not be able to relate back to them similarly and may take offense to those that would try to declare them as similar.  That sort of thing is just inevitable when you try to categorize any two or more not-alike people together.  It's not super far off from some of the less flexible LGBTQ+ groups/members declaring heteroromantic aces as essentially "not queer enough" for them.

[Wolfie31]

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Feeling like you can relate to a group of people in some way (even if they don't all necessarily feel likewise about you) is perfectly valid, without necessarily having to declare yourself part of that group.

 

This happens a lot with grays and demis with regard to aces; many of them will claim to at least partially understand what it's like to be asexual, even if they very clearly aren't.  They may legitimately share some similar experiences with regard to sexuality.  Some people have gone as far as to consider these under some sort of "ace umbrella"

 

Thing is, I think it's also important for those people in the grey area to recognize that no matter how "asexual" they might typically feel, it's still not the same thing as actually being asexual, and as a result some aces might not be able to relate back to them similarly and may take offense to those that would try to declare them as similar.  That sort of thing is just inevitable when you try to categorize any two or more not-alike people together.  It's not super far off from some of the less flexible LGBTQ+ groups/members declaring heteroromantic aces as essentially "not queer enough" for them.

OK I can accept all this but the fact is that I don't have any other group to be in. I definitely don't fit in with hetero, homo or bi, I don't even fit with the definitions for gray or demi. Maybe you don't like the current wildly publicised definition of asexuality but the fact is it applies to me. And if it didn't, if it changed to mean someone who is not interested in sex at all, well then I wouldnt really have a way to define my sexuality. And you can say that that wouldn't be important but it's easy to say that when youre not in that position. In reality you'd just be surrounded by people saying 'oh you might feel a bit like us in ways but you'll never actually be one of us' and thats very lonely and isolating.

[Philip027]

6 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

I don't even fit with the definitions for gray or demi.

Why not?  Gray is literally the umbrella term for anyone who feels they don't quite fit with either sexual or asexual crowd for literally just about any conceivable reason.  It doesn't even have a specific definition; that is literally what a gray area is.

 

8 minutes ago, Wolfie31 said:

And if it didn't, if it changed to mean someone who is not interested in sex at all, well then I wouldnt really have a way to define my sexuality.

Not exactly our problem.  Asexuality defines asexuality.  It's not there as some convenient catch-all term for anyone who's ever felt unsure or like they didn't fit in anywhere sexually.  Again, that's more what the gray area is for.

[PixleyDust✨]

10 hours ago, Scooty said:

Hi friends! 

 

I've had the suspicion that I'm ace for a while now. What resonated with me recently, is the fact that aces CAN have a libido. I myself have experienced crushes, but only once experienced sexual desire/attraction towards someone (who I had known since high school="strong emotional bond"). Hence why I believe I'm demisexual/graysexual. I want to see if anyone else has experienced this. I have been attempting to date for YEARS and have had zero success. 

 

As far as the dating goes, I would always seek out "cute" guys (aesthetically attractive) and would primarily focus on their personality. I know I have a libido, and I have dabbled with masturbation and pornography before. Both were pleasurable, but whenever it came to dating, the sexual desire wasn't really there. Whenever I attempt to date, there is always a primary focus on the person, and not the focus on sex or physical desire. Even if I did hold hands, kiss or touch them, it always felt like I was "people pleasing" in some way. I don't ever experience/focus on a sexual attraction. It's always emotionally focused. Once I get to the point where the other person is interested in a romantic/physical relationship, I break it off. 

 

When I talk with friends, and the conversation goes to sex and relationships, I ALWAYS get an intense feeling of loneliness and "I'm the outsider" feeling. I can now understand why. At first, I thought it was because of an inferiority complex, but after having attempted to date for so long...I think it's because I'm demisexual/graysexual. Could I have been subconsciously suppressing asexuality? I have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety and social anxiety, but could it be because I subconsciously know I'm ace?

 

I don't know. I know this is a long tangent. I'm hoping to see that there are other aces with libido.  I want to help clear the thought of "maybe I'm just heterosexual and have a low libido" and the thought "maybe it's just social anxiety".. I really think I'm ace, but would like some more input. 

 

Not sorry for the wall of text!  

I so resonate with all of this, and I’m aromantic and grey asexual.

 

I’ve never dated, but do get urges to do so sometimes. I’ll hang out with someone with “potential” so to speak, but the moment it feels like they might actually have feelings for me I freak out because my lack of inherent romantic instinct makes it impossible to determine the difference between the desire for companionship and romantic attraction. I’ll still hang out with them, but I’ll kind of distance myself a bit emotionally fearing that I’m leading them on or “giving them hope”. 

 

But I still get sexual urges and sometimes other people spark them, I just don’t feel the need to express those urges with other people, even with those that initially sparked them. I’m content with solo sex.

 

And even when I do, despite being somewhat physically attracted to men to an extent, I’m more attracted to the idea of a person (personality, beliefs, etc). Like, a guy can seem attractive on the outside, but his personality, mannerisms, his sense of humor, beliefs, etc. is what makes him “cute”. Part of what makes me asexual is that any physical attraction I may experience is not sustainable without the emotional component. Like ever. Not even just in passing.

 

All of which is how I’ve determined I’m Aro and Grey Ace, because although my romantic compass is wonky and nebulous it’s fair to say I have yet to experience romantic attraction in my waking life, and my sexuality is mostly asexual with moments of extremely brief, but intense sexual attraction absent of any actual desire to act on it. 

 

So yep. I get it. 

[Lemon Ice Tea]

I believe I am asexual, but I do have fantasies. Does that count? I do masturbate and it feels like a physical need. 

[Philip027]

I don't personally understand how/why but many people apparently have fantasies of things they don't actually want in reality, so no, doesn't count.

[Lemon Ice Tea]

5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I don't personally understand how/why but many people apparently have fantasies of things they don't actually want in reality, so no, doesn't count.

For me personally, there are certain scenarios that I imagine myself in. I’d kill to be able to do these in real life. My fantasies involve fetishes and do not involve any “traditional” sexual contact.